The tears come in quiet moments.
When the night has fallen and the stars awake in the sky;
when the city goes to bed, and the clock creeps slowly on to midnight.
Finally alone -- and I cry.
I cry for the sorrow, the hatred.
The pain. For the hunger and sickness -- for the loss.
But mostly
I cry for the children.
Showing posts with label this world. Show all posts
Showing posts with label this world. Show all posts
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
little things that make me smile...
There are certain things in life that I cannot keep from smiling about. To some they may seem like silly things. To me, they mean the world.
Like...
...making friends with a brown squirrel on the walk across campus
...signing up for music lessons because I can
...seeing little Teddy run up to me when I get home and snuggle as close to me as he can (he does that to no one else)
...hearing birds singing in the morning sunshine
...watching a butterfly skim the grass on colorful wings
...feeling Adam run his fingers through my hair (I don't know why I love that so much)
...looking outside and seeing the little ones playing in the backyard or snuggling up close in their kennel
...sitting on the kitchen floor under the light of the stove drowning Oreos in milk (because that is the closest I will ever come to murder)
...snuggling down in warm covers, pillows, and teddy bears after a long day at school and work
...hugging daddy
...receiving kisses and cuddles from Misty and Molly when I visit my parents' house
...driving with the windows down and the music turned up
...walking through grocery stores for fun
...getting a soft kiss on the forehead
...eating a big bowl of freshly baked brownies with vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup on top with my special spoon
...being held close enough and long enough to hear heartbeats synchronizing
...talking to a long time friend and realizing how much you can learn about a person by listening, even after years of conversations
...drinking a cup of horchata in the spring, a glass of strawberry lemonade in the summer, a tumbler of herbal tea in the fall, a mug of cinnamon hot chocolate in the winter
...laughing until your cheeks hurt and your sides ache from the giggles
...climbing a tree barefoot
...playing on the kids' jungle gym at the complex park even though you're a grown-up and your boyfriend barely fits on the swings
...gazing at the stars - or the clouds - or the clear blue sky
...opening a package, a parcel, a letter, addressed to you
...baking cookies late at night with someone you love
...cooking dinner for more than one person
...washing dishes in such a way that it becomes an all-out water war (but don't get it on the carpet)
...kissing good-night, soft and sweet and promising tomorrow
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Thursday, July 12, 2012
haunted...
*names have been changed
Let me begin by saying that I don't know how to begin, and I don't know how to write this, but I know that I need to. If you're reading this, please bear with me.
While on my way to work this morning, I received a phone call from a friend. I knew something was wrong the second she said, "It's Callie*." When she asked me if I had time to come pick her up, I knew that work was the least important thing on my list of places to be today, and that I needed to be with Callie instead. After calling the office to tell them I'd be late, I literally raced all the way to the gas station where Callie had called me from. I'm amazed that I didn't get in a wreck.
She wouldn't look at me. She wouldn't talk to me, she wouldn't say anything. She just sat there shaking like she was freezing cold, despite it being 95 degrees outside and my car having no air conditioner. Her eyes kept darting back and forth, and she jumped whenever I moved my hand. She had a bruise and a cut on her forehead -- Callie isn't clumsy. Her actions and mannerisms were making me nervous. I became more worried when all of my questions were answered in the same way: "I'm okay." Over and over again, "I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay."
I took her to school like she asked me to, but I felt like I should keep asking her if she was okay, and if she needed anything, and what happened. Finally she looked at me.
Her eyes -- I have never, ever seen eyes like that before. Callie's eyes have always been happy and mischievous. They've been tinged with a bit of sadness on occasion, but never like they were today. Today -- I can only describe the look in her eyes as broken, or shattered. It was like looking through a window and seeing darkness, pain, shame, sorrow, fear -- every awful feeling you can feel was housed in her eyes. Two dark, never-ending pools absolutely full to the brim of everything and nothing at the same time. A strange and terrifying emptiness.
Suddenly, she broke. Through tears and sobs, she kept saying that she was sorry, so sorry, that she didn't mean to -- my suspicions that I had when I first saw her increased. She said she felt sick and like she'd done something wrong, and she'd repeat "I'm sorry" again and again, followed by the mantra "I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay."
Amid the repetitions of apology and her continual attempts to convince me (though I'm almost positive that she was trying harder to convince herself) that she was okay, she choked out what had happened. The phrases were in no logical sequence of beginning-middle-end. But it was enough.
I've never seen anyone so broken before -- like something inside of her had been snuffed out, a candle flame in a sudden gust of wind. I didn't know what to do -- how can you convince someone so shattered that it wasn't her fault?
How can people be so cruel and evil? How could anyone willingly hurt someone as badly as they hurt Callie?
And it brings back so many horrible feelings and memories -- what happened to Callie almost happened to me. I could have been the girl with the haunted, broken, shame-filled stare. I almost was. And every once in awhile this afternoon, I've felt like it should have happened to me. Me, and not Callie. It doesn't seem fair that I was spared, and that she wasn't.
The look in her eyes keeps flashing in front of me -- what I wouldn't give to take this away from her, to experience it for her, to do something that will help her. I don't know what to do for her. All I could do was hold her while she cried, and repeat to her again and again that it wasn't her fault -- she didn't know this would happen! It wasn't and never will be her fault. Ever.
But she doesn't believe me. I don't really expect her to believe me. I just wish that she could see that the blame doesn't rest on her shoulders -- that this is not her fault.
Callie -- beautiful little Callie. I don't know what to do.
Let me begin by saying that I don't know how to begin, and I don't know how to write this, but I know that I need to. If you're reading this, please bear with me.
While on my way to work this morning, I received a phone call from a friend. I knew something was wrong the second she said, "It's Callie*." When she asked me if I had time to come pick her up, I knew that work was the least important thing on my list of places to be today, and that I needed to be with Callie instead. After calling the office to tell them I'd be late, I literally raced all the way to the gas station where Callie had called me from. I'm amazed that I didn't get in a wreck.
She wouldn't look at me. She wouldn't talk to me, she wouldn't say anything. She just sat there shaking like she was freezing cold, despite it being 95 degrees outside and my car having no air conditioner. Her eyes kept darting back and forth, and she jumped whenever I moved my hand. She had a bruise and a cut on her forehead -- Callie isn't clumsy. Her actions and mannerisms were making me nervous. I became more worried when all of my questions were answered in the same way: "I'm okay." Over and over again, "I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay."
I took her to school like she asked me to, but I felt like I should keep asking her if she was okay, and if she needed anything, and what happened. Finally she looked at me.
Her eyes -- I have never, ever seen eyes like that before. Callie's eyes have always been happy and mischievous. They've been tinged with a bit of sadness on occasion, but never like they were today. Today -- I can only describe the look in her eyes as broken, or shattered. It was like looking through a window and seeing darkness, pain, shame, sorrow, fear -- every awful feeling you can feel was housed in her eyes. Two dark, never-ending pools absolutely full to the brim of everything and nothing at the same time. A strange and terrifying emptiness.
Suddenly, she broke. Through tears and sobs, she kept saying that she was sorry, so sorry, that she didn't mean to -- my suspicions that I had when I first saw her increased. She said she felt sick and like she'd done something wrong, and she'd repeat "I'm sorry" again and again, followed by the mantra "I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay."
Amid the repetitions of apology and her continual attempts to convince me (though I'm almost positive that she was trying harder to convince herself) that she was okay, she choked out what had happened. The phrases were in no logical sequence of beginning-middle-end. But it was enough.
I've never seen anyone so broken before -- like something inside of her had been snuffed out, a candle flame in a sudden gust of wind. I didn't know what to do -- how can you convince someone so shattered that it wasn't her fault?
How can people be so cruel and evil? How could anyone willingly hurt someone as badly as they hurt Callie?
And it brings back so many horrible feelings and memories -- what happened to Callie almost happened to me. I could have been the girl with the haunted, broken, shame-filled stare. I almost was. And every once in awhile this afternoon, I've felt like it should have happened to me. Me, and not Callie. It doesn't seem fair that I was spared, and that she wasn't.
The look in her eyes keeps flashing in front of me -- what I wouldn't give to take this away from her, to experience it for her, to do something that will help her. I don't know what to do for her. All I could do was hold her while she cried, and repeat to her again and again that it wasn't her fault -- she didn't know this would happen! It wasn't and never will be her fault. Ever.
But she doesn't believe me. I don't really expect her to believe me. I just wish that she could see that the blame doesn't rest on her shoulders -- that this is not her fault.
Callie -- beautiful little Callie. I don't know what to do.
Monday, February 13, 2012
love isn't only about romance...
Valentine's Day. It's been a conversation piece at work and school for the past month. You know what? I'm sick of two things about it:
1. People who constantly squeal about how excited they are for it because of their significant other
2. People who constantly complain about how much they hate it because of their lack of a significant other
I used to think I was impartial to this holiday. And then I got to thinking about it more. I don't have neutral feelings about it at all. Despite my lack of a significant other (which, right now, I am so grateful for), I love Valentine's Day. Why? Let me tell you:
There is always, always, always someone who needs to be reminded that they are loved. It doesn't even need to be a holiday to show someone that they are cared for.
I'm excited for Valentine's Day because it's a day I get to show others I care about them. I care that they are alive. The people I know and love and hold dear, they deserve to know that I love them! People I've never met before, people I'll never see again. They're important in this world! Every person is important, whether you personally know their name or not. That's part of what makes everyone so very special: despite the billions on the planet and the potential to become insignificant, no one truly is.
This Valentine's Day, I ask you to think less of yourself and your relationship status. Think more of those who may be struggling less than, as much as, or more than yourself. Be it a single mother, a child in a dysfunctional or even functional home, a widow or widower, a person down on their luck, a customer at your workplace, a teacher, a friend, a family member, or even the dog down the road--all need to know they are loved.
Those who are loved, take some time out to share it with another person. Those who don't think that they are loved, go out and find it in loving someone else.
1. People who constantly squeal about how excited they are for it because of their significant other
2. People who constantly complain about how much they hate it because of their lack of a significant other
I used to think I was impartial to this holiday. And then I got to thinking about it more. I don't have neutral feelings about it at all. Despite my lack of a significant other (which, right now, I am so grateful for), I love Valentine's Day. Why? Let me tell you:
There is always, always, always someone who needs to be reminded that they are loved. It doesn't even need to be a holiday to show someone that they are cared for.
I'm excited for Valentine's Day because it's a day I get to show others I care about them. I care that they are alive. The people I know and love and hold dear, they deserve to know that I love them! People I've never met before, people I'll never see again. They're important in this world! Every person is important, whether you personally know their name or not. That's part of what makes everyone so very special: despite the billions on the planet and the potential to become insignificant, no one truly is.
This Valentine's Day, I ask you to think less of yourself and your relationship status. Think more of those who may be struggling less than, as much as, or more than yourself. Be it a single mother, a child in a dysfunctional or even functional home, a widow or widower, a person down on their luck, a customer at your workplace, a teacher, a friend, a family member, or even the dog down the road--all need to know they are loved.
Those who are loved, take some time out to share it with another person. Those who don't think that they are loved, go out and find it in loving someone else.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
not so sure...
I am a very small, rather insignificant part of this world. What I think and say probably don't matter much to anyone. Especially when it comes to questions about the great plan of life. It's been on my mind a lot lately, the Lord's plan. So many things make me wonder. Wondering about what God is doing is kind of pointless though. He's going to continue doing what He does no matter what my small objections or questions may be. Still, I ask. Rhetorically, of course. I don't expect an answer. Even though I'd like one.
I've been thinking a lot about how the world is today. How society is. The more I think, the more I realize that there are so many things that I don't know. That I don't understand.
I don't understand
...why some people have so much and most have so little.
...the lack of compassion in society.
...why there is so much pain and destruction.
...why people actually choose to hurt others.
...why people cheat and lie and steal and injure and kill.
...the thinking behind using other people or abusing other people.
...how a desire for power can cause an utter lack of humanity.
...the disregard for common courtesy and individual decency.
...why awful, ugly things are considered entertaining.
But the biggest thing I don't understand is why God lets someone hurt someone else. I don't understand it at all. Yes, I know about agency and that if God were to take away a person's agency He would be going against His own laws. If He did that, He would no longer be God. But it still bothers me that an all-powerful, omniscient being would stand by and let terrible things happen. As I've been thinking about it a lot, I can kind of understand the people who say, "I don't believe in God. If there were a God, bad things wouldn't happen. I can't believe in a God who would let so much suffering occur."
I'm not saying I don't believe in God. I've seen and learned and experienced too much to go back on that. I am saying that I can see their point. Even for me it's a hard thing to swallow.
It's probably wrong for me to be bothered. I know that the Lord allowed for an Atonement to provide healing for those who have been hurt or taken advantage of. It isn't just for the perpetrators. It's for the victims, too. But why are there victims at all? Again, back to agency. One of the main laws.
This all stemmed from a commercial I saw for a movie. The whole thing was just awful. There was destruction and violence and anger and pain. The world was literally falling apart. For a moment it was as though I saw the future on the screen. It terrified me, so much so that I started to cry.
Because isn't that what is going to happen? Wars and rumors of wars; secret combinations and not so secret ones; fires and earthquakes and storms and droughts; illnesses; pain and suffering everywhere. It is happening, right now, all over the world. And it scares me to death. People are being hurt everywhere. More people are going to get hurt. And I hate that. I hate it so much that it makes me want to yell at God like I would yell at my dad if he weren't stopping someone from hurting my sister. WHY?! I want to scream. Don't you even CARE?! You say that you do. Prove it!
But who am I to do that? It's wrong to be angry with God. After all, He does know what He is doing. I may not understand what it is right now, but it will all be made right. He's promised it will be. It just frightens me and it makes me so angry that people get hurt, people who have no control over their situations and are just written off as "collateral damage".
I fear for the future of the world. It's the opposite of faith, I know. It's something I'm trying to become better at. Right now I'm just being honest. I mean...I'm going to have to raise my kids in the future. What is it going to be like? How will I answer their questions and prepare them for things I don't even know about yet? The world moves so fast now and changes so quickly; I'll be learning right along with them. How will I know what to do for them and how to teach them?
I want to be a good part of this world. I want to help those around me. I want to be good and faithful and valiant. I want to be strong for my family and my friends and my future family. I don't want to be afraid--but I am.
I've been thinking a lot about how the world is today. How society is. The more I think, the more I realize that there are so many things that I don't know. That I don't understand.
...why some people have so much and most have so little.
...the lack of compassion in society.
...why there is so much pain and destruction.
...why people actually choose to hurt others.
...why people cheat and lie and steal and injure and kill.
...the thinking behind using other people or abusing other people.
...how a desire for power can cause an utter lack of humanity.
...the disregard for common courtesy and individual decency.
...why awful, ugly things are considered entertaining.
But the biggest thing I don't understand is why God lets someone hurt someone else. I don't understand it at all. Yes, I know about agency and that if God were to take away a person's agency He would be going against His own laws. If He did that, He would no longer be God. But it still bothers me that an all-powerful, omniscient being would stand by and let terrible things happen. As I've been thinking about it a lot, I can kind of understand the people who say, "I don't believe in God. If there were a God, bad things wouldn't happen. I can't believe in a God who would let so much suffering occur."
I'm not saying I don't believe in God. I've seen and learned and experienced too much to go back on that. I am saying that I can see their point. Even for me it's a hard thing to swallow.
It's probably wrong for me to be bothered. I know that the Lord allowed for an Atonement to provide healing for those who have been hurt or taken advantage of. It isn't just for the perpetrators. It's for the victims, too. But why are there victims at all? Again, back to agency. One of the main laws.
This all stemmed from a commercial I saw for a movie. The whole thing was just awful. There was destruction and violence and anger and pain. The world was literally falling apart. For a moment it was as though I saw the future on the screen. It terrified me, so much so that I started to cry.
Because isn't that what is going to happen? Wars and rumors of wars; secret combinations and not so secret ones; fires and earthquakes and storms and droughts; illnesses; pain and suffering everywhere. It is happening, right now, all over the world. And it scares me to death. People are being hurt everywhere. More people are going to get hurt. And I hate that. I hate it so much that it makes me want to yell at God like I would yell at my dad if he weren't stopping someone from hurting my sister. WHY?! I want to scream. Don't you even CARE?! You say that you do. Prove it!
But who am I to do that? It's wrong to be angry with God. After all, He does know what He is doing. I may not understand what it is right now, but it will all be made right. He's promised it will be. It just frightens me and it makes me so angry that people get hurt, people who have no control over their situations and are just written off as "collateral damage".
I fear for the future of the world. It's the opposite of faith, I know. It's something I'm trying to become better at. Right now I'm just being honest. I mean...I'm going to have to raise my kids in the future. What is it going to be like? How will I answer their questions and prepare them for things I don't even know about yet? The world moves so fast now and changes so quickly; I'll be learning right along with them. How will I know what to do for them and how to teach them?
I want to be a good part of this world. I want to help those around me. I want to be good and faithful and valiant. I want to be strong for my family and my friends and my future family. I don't want to be afraid--but I am.
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