taking it back...

I've missed writing because I've been super busy and felt like hiding away. So here is a long, truly scary confession post for me with *gasp* a photo with MAKE UP ON. 

Triggers here. Fyi.

I don't wear make up pretty much ever. If I do, it's basic mascara and some pink blush used as eyeshadow. Nondescript. Barely there. Fiance is cool with it - "You're naturally beautiful.  Women really are. I wish you - all of you - could see it too." Love him, right? Anyway. We did engagement photos a week ago, and so I did the thing you do and put on my face - and though I look very Jane Austen? I about had a panic attack walking out of the bookstore restroom to go meet up with our photographer.

Fiance immediately asked what was wrong - and I almost cried off my face as I told him I hate wearing make up. "People look at me more. They see me. Men see me. I want to be left alone. I don't want them to look at me." He was confused. And as I thought about it from his perspective - I found myself analyzing why I think this way.

Guy from high school who locked me in his car and threatened to rape me? He wouldn't let me wear make up. Or cute clothes. "I don't want other men to look at you. You're mine." Checking my phone, playing mind games, making me change outfits before dates if I looked "too hot." Don't be seen.

Supervisor who locked me in the janitor's closet with him. He let me go when I stared too hard at him, wide-eyed and more confused than scared. "Close your eyes, girl. What the hell you doin' with those?" Don't be seen.

Ex who repeatedly abused me for two years - "You attract so much attention just because of your face. Especially your eyes. Stop looking at me. Look down." "Take off the eyeliner, you look stupid." "Did you see that guy checking you out? Don't wear that shirt when we go places anymore." Don't be seen.

I've always been shy. Awkward. Looking at the ground. But to have a panic attack because I put on make up? Unable to breathe because my eyes shine? Afraid to show fiance my face when I put this stuff on because he might see something he's suddenly afraid of or made angry by and tell me to disappear? He wouldn't. He won't. But my crazy brain says he might - it's ridiculous.

So guess what? This cleansing confession post now has a DARE. A BIG ONE.

Be seen. With or without make up on. With or without a nice outfit. I'll Be Seen. I'll see others. I'll smile and laugh and walk with my head held high.

I'm taking back my face.

i am iron maiden...

False.

While I would like to believe that I embody qualities of Tony Stark, as in the ability to laugh in the face of danger and be phased by nothing, that is the absolute opposite of the truth. Case in point, sitting through Iron Man 3 was a nightmare. After wobbling through the parking lot, desperate to get to my car and on my way home, a panic attack ensued, leaving me so exhausted and shaky that I could barely drive.

Yep. The film was a bit too intense for this girl. Objectively, I believe that it is the best of the three when you look at character and plot development, as well as graphic quality. The film also had an actual bad guy who was legitimately frightening. Stark's other nemeses? Snore. Subjectively, not my favorite film, and one I probably will avoid in the future in favor of a Psych marathon or Captain America.

Second severe anxiety episode this weekend. Thank heaven for good friends who let you spill how you feel, who don't judge you for the crazy thoughts you share, and hug you tight so you feel safe.

Also, the puppies are seven days old as of this morning. Their eyes opened yesterday, and they are precious. I'll post some pictures as soon as I get my camera back from my sister -- can't believe she's graduating this week. It's a wee bit insane.