closet nerd...

Some of you know that I am a nerd, but it's not a super well known fact. Brother Eggett described me as a "closet nerd", and I think that is a pretty good way to put it. So...out comes a bit of my inner nerd-joy. I've listened to this three times now and I keep getting chills!

YAY LOTR happiness!!

sad times...

Before I write anything else, let me say this: I know that there is a ton of beauty and goodness in this world. I see it every day. It's there, it's tangible, and it's easy to see if you are willing to look for it.

Lately the good has been tinged with feelings of sadness. There are a couple of reasons for this. First is that because of the time it takes to keep up with all of my classes, and because of the number of hours I need at work, I had to leave LDC.

The decision to leave wasn't made lightly. I'd been thinking about it for a few weeks. I came up with some ways that I could make it all work, but each time I felt tired just thinking about it. Christmas break came around and I realized something: I didn't really miss choir. I love singing the music and testifying through song. I love learning from Brother Eggett. I love being with my group of girls and guys. But even with all of that, I didn't miss it. Still, I didn't want to leave because I wasn't sure it was the right thing to do.

After thinking about it for a long time and talking to the Lord for awhile about it, I came up with a pros and cons list. The cons outweighed the pros by a long shot. Some people can do it all. I am not one of those people. The good thing about LDC is that I can go back to it when I have more time to be a 100% dedicated member. The bad thing is that by the time I can go back, a lot of my dear friends will be gone, the third years (Sierra, Allie, Jon, Mike, Jenny, to name a few). I hope that we'll be able to keep in touch though! I'll admit it, I miss everyone.

BYU is a hard place to be. It's so, so, so big. I see people I know, but I don't know them. Most of the people I see aren't close friends. Erin, Amelia, and Tiana are there, which is awesome (Erin and Amelia used to be in LDC and Tiana is a good friend from the junior high and high school days), but other than that I don't really know anyone. We're more like acquaintances rather than friends. That will probably change (I hope) but for right now it's a lonely place. Boring, too. Very boring. You can only study for so long, you know?

Third, one of my sisters' friends committed suicide this morning. He went to school with them. I don't know him, but from what I've read and heard today it sounds like he is an awesome, awesome kid. I wish I wish I wish this sort of thing didn't happen. I wish it so much. No one even expected it. It was totally out of the blue. It's so horribly sad.

So, so many sad things happen in this world. A lot of good, happy things happen too. Right now, though, I'm feeling the sadness.

playin' with the Eggletts...

Last night I didn't sleep well. It's been the running trend for the past month or so. It's become rather hard to deal with, and I'm hoping that I'll be able to do alright once school starts. Somewhat worrying, because I won't have time to catch up on lost sleep until Sundays, so I'm just crossing my fingers that it will be okay. Sleep. Something you hardly think about until you can't get enough!

When I finally got out of bed today, I had no energy and no desire to do anything other than get my laundry done and avoid contact with people at all costs. Then I got on Facebook and saw a post from one of the choir members, asking for any girls who were available this afternoon to help out the Eggetts. Sister Eggett had surgery earlier this week, and when mom is sick, nothing fun happens.

Allie and Heather were the ring leaders for the small gang of choir members who went over to the Eggett home. The four youngest children, Brother Eggett, and we "grown-ups" (Heather, Sam, Mike, Brad, and myself) had a lovely time playing Just Dance 3 on the Wii. Rachel, the oldest Eggett girl, dances circles around everyone at that game! And my one claim to fame for the night: I beat Brother Eggett at his best song, "California Girls" by Katy Perry. It's a proud moment in my life.

Later in the afternoon we took the 4 youngest kids to the park and played there.


A short soccer game took place until Joseph, the youngest, got too tired to run. Then freeze tag for awhile until Joe again was too tired to run anymore. So we played an on-the-grass version of Dead Man, Dead Man. Since there was no trampoline available we made a ring out of coats and made it work.


Pretty soon the kids got tired of Dead Man, Dead Man. Once the playground was pointed out, there was no stopping any of us from having a go at the slides, swings, and ramps. A new game began, Lava Monster. If you've never played it, you should! It's a total blast. The wood chips are the lava, and one person starts as "it", or the lava monster. Rules: The lava monster can only touch one color of the playground equipment. In our case, it was white. The monster can only touch the color for five seconds at a time (that rule eventually got overlooked). The people have to stay on the playground equipment. They can only touch the lava for 5 seconds in the case of the kids, 3 in the case of the grown-ups. Once you're tagged, you become a lava monster. The last person still "alive" becomes the lava monster for the next round.


After a good three rounds or so of Lava Monster, everyone was getting cold and hungry. Back to the Eggetts we went to finish up the dinner prep. Sam and I took the two youngest girls, Sarah and Hannah, to Harmon's to get some extra food for the LDC "grown-ups". He bought each of us a bottle of Jones Soda, which I thought was very nice of him. Mine was Green Apple...it was weird, like a carbonated green apple snow cone. Good, just weird.

Dinner was followed by Wii Resort, emphasizing in the game Swordplay. Wow...that was so intense! We were all screaming and jumping up and down. Brigham, just older than Joe, was jumping in circles he was so into the game. The best part was when Hannah was taking her turn, and her dad started cheering her on. "Be aggressive, Hannah!" he shouted, to which she calmly replied (while swinging her remote at the screen) "I'm not that kind of person." Priceless!

All in all it was a 100% enjoyable, perfect afternoon. I didn't really want to go over at first because I was feeling so tired and just downright sad. I'm so glad I did though. It was just what I needed.

And may I just say that if I could look as beautiful as Sister Eggett did today, I would feel absolutely satisfied with my life. I don't know how she always manages to look so wonderful, two days after surgery and all! She is an amazing lady, not just because she's pretty, but because she is so kind. I hope to be half as gracious and kind as she is.

Here are some of my favorite captured moments from this afternoon. The Egg-letts are the cutest kids ever! Seriously though. BEAUTIFUL children.

















.

a girl worth fighting for...

Today LDC performed for the university faculty. Every year the Institute hosts a luncheon for the UVU teachers and employees, and somehow LDC always ends up performing something to fit the theme of the event. Last year we didn't find out until the day before. Brother Eggett came into choir and said, "In a moment of weakness I may or may not have volunteered you all to put on a pirate musical. Tomorrow." So we did it! And it was rather fun.

This year we performed again, only we knew about it about a week in advance. The theme this year had something to do with China, and so we dragged out the kimonos and fans and created a mini production of the Disney movie Mulan. I don't know why the guys have the best songs in that movie. It's about a girl, for heaven's sake!

While I was waiting to perform the "show" a second time, one of the guys in choir came and sat next to me. I'll describe him to you: tall, dark, handsome, intelligent, talented, kind, hilarious, with a smile that stops your heart while simultaneously making you feel like you've just run a marathon. Aka, the kind of guy a girl like me tries desperately NOT to fall head over heals for. He's the only person I've ever met who I cannot look at while I'm frantically trying to form an intelligent sentence. I'll stare at my knees, his shoes, the floor, anything other than that face with the devastating smile. He's also the only man who upon meeting has caused me to forget my own name (true story).

So anyway, this is the guy who comes and sits by me and asks me if I'm okay. I wasn't, because I was really sad and feeling all mixed-up inside, but I didn't want to talk about it for fear of crying and smudging my carefully prepared, very black eyeliner. And then when I explained that, he did the unthinkable: he HUGGED me. And not just a hug: a hold. A longer than 10 second near cuddle while he told me that he'll be there for me anytime I need and that I shouldn't be a stranger because we're friends, and friends help each other when they need it.

When he put his arms around me, I was terrified. Boys do not touch me. I don't like it, and I don't want it. Then he pulled me close and I was even more afraid. For one my face was on fire and I was afraid he'd see it. For another, I didn't want to be that close to someone, anyone. Here's why: the last time I was held by someone of the opposite sex, I was scared of him. The feeling was totally and completely wrong. I hated the way it felt, and I wanted to get away from him, but he wouldn't let me go.

That was what I expected today, and I was immediately ready to run away. Then I realized...the feeling was completely different. With this friend from choir, I wasn't an object of gratification. I wasn't a toy to be used. I was a person, a girl with feelings and thoughts, and he was only showing me that he cared. He wasn't trying to scare me or threaten me. He was being a friend. It's been so long since I felt that around a guy that I didn't even recognize it. It was so weird to go from feeling afraid to completely relaxed, to actually enjoy being shown friendship through a physical touch.

I don't want to be scared anymore. I am, I'll admit it. But I don't want to be. I want to ENJOY choir. I want to keep the close friends I have and to make close relationships with new friends. I want to be able to love others and to trust them and to show them that I care. I want to do for others what my friend did for me, reminding me that there are good, honest, kind people out there.

I want to be a girl worth fighting for. I want to be respected and loved, really loved. I want other girls to feel that way, because they should feel that way. No woman should ever be afraid of what a man might do. No woman should ever feel threatened or used or frightened. She is to be fought for and cared for, not used and dumped aside like a toy that has lost its shine.

Tomorrow is another day. I'm going to make it better than I made today.

day 16...

a picture of someone who inspires me...


This is Ryan Eggett, choir director, teacher, and surrogate father-friend extraordinaire. He is the leader of the Latter-day Celebration choir that I have been singing with this past year. Every word that comes out of this man's mouth is either hilarious, inspiring, or a mix of both.

Sometimes he is a little intimidating. I guess it's mostly because he waits until he really knows you to be openly friendly. Brother Eggett's compliments really mean something, because he only says them if he sincerely means them. There have been a handful of occassions where he has told me something as simple as "well done" or "excellent". I felt like I was on top of the world!! The times when he said something to the same effect but with more words? Wow...those are the moments when you feel truly appreciated.

Brother Eggett is a true example of how people should act towards others. He admits his faults, but he is always trying to become better for them. He is honest, helpful, interested in the well-being of others, hard working, and always stands for what he believes in. He is a dedicated, loving father and husband. He loves people for what they are and not for what he thinks they should be. He has helped me in so many ways, and I am so grateful to call him a friend.