Saturday, October 26, 2013


That awkward moment when you and your ex-fiance plan a couple's costume entirely by accident. 

Peter Pan and Peter Pan's Shadow

Upon discovery two days before the LDC Halloween party to which you are both going, you just deal with it and get matching fairy dust, because at that point it's too much of a hassle to make other plans.

And in case you're wondering, I did let my friends talk me into experiencing the haunted house. Honestly, it was less of a haunted house and more an amalgamation of every creepy building and landscape you could hope to walk through. Luckily for me, Adam was attentive to the fact that I was so scared that I was about to pass out from lack of oxygen -- I now know why young men are so keen to take young ladies to these places. Add that to my List of Things I'm Never Doing Again.

That might have been the best LDC Halloween extravaganza to date. Just saying.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

pretending is really tiring...

I woke up this morning and said to myself, "Self? Today, you are going to be happy. Even if it kills you, you will smile, laugh, talk to lots of people, and walk with a spring in your step. You will not cry. You will not frown. You will not worry. You will be witty and funny and hug everyone. Because you are not going to hurt anymore. You won't be sad. You have a good life -- live it good."

16 hours later, I've learned that all of that stuff is a lot easier said than done. I already knew it was harder to do than to say. I've just learned again how much harder it can be.

Honestly, I'm exhausted. I'm sick, I'm hurt, I'm angry, and I'm scared. I feel totally alone, even though I know that I'm not. And I feel guilty! I feel guilty for all of these feelings, because my life really is good. I have great work, great friends, great family, great classes, great professors, great opportunities. And yet I wake up every day and it's an absolute battle to get out of bed.

What's strange to me is a comment that someone made whilst talking with me in the courtyard at school. She looked at me and said, "You know, you always look happy. I see you every single day at least twice in passing, and you just always look happy. I don't know how you do it."

As I started to scoff, she said, "I'm trying to be more like you."

She emotionally floored me. I don't feel happy. I know for a fact that I often don't look happy, either. Dad tells me I'll have worry wrinkles by the time I'm 25 (whereas my money is on 23). So for her to say she wants to be like me?

I'm trying to change. I'm trying to be that girl who smiles and laughs and helps everyone else.

But I'm not that girl. I'm the quiet one, the one who looks at her feet, the one who worries about the well-being of people who have used her and taken advantage of her, the one who tries to be everything.

Tomorrow is another day. Another day to practice.