Thursday, May 30, 2013

all in the phrase...

Words. put the individuals together and form a phrase -- because even Words are stronger together.

The hardest thing...

How often has this phrase crossed my lips:
This is the hardest thing I've ever done...age 13, watching all of my best friends walk away...
This is the hardest thing I've ever done...age 15, suffering a nervous breakdown...
This is the hardest thing I've ever done...age 18, disappointment -- not good enough...
This is the hardest thing I've ever done...age 19, working through the scars of abuse...
This is the hardest thing I've ever done...age 20, "a mission is not for you"...

hardest things, hardest things, so many hardest things -- "this is the hardest thing I've ever done."
Words that fit the circumstance at the time.

I look back and shake my head,
those are not the hardest things.

my Words evolve and change according to the hardest things of the present. No --
not the hardest things anymore -- look how far you've come! Yes --
how far I've come against the next hardest thing.

This is the hardest thing I've ever done...until there is something harder placed in my way.

it's all in the time of the phrase.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

when I went for a run because I could...

Some storms begin with a small drop of water falling from the sky -- a slow sparkling crystal descending from the clouds to land with a slight splattering spread on the pavement. A storm that appears gradually, misting the earth and blocking the sun with its fog.

But this storm began without shining crystals or pavement drops bleeding into one another to create a single shining slate of asphalt. This storm began in her heart.

She felt it before she heard it. A cold, hard stinging inside her chest; a sharp, tight pulsing in her brain.

It's going to rain.

Down from the sky-- barrage of hammers on the rooftop --
down from the clouds -- volley of bullets against the walls!


Out, out, out -- out into the rain.

Running...running. Bare feet against the pavement.
Running...running. Hair plastered to her cheeks.
Running...running. Clothes clinging as though naked.
Running...running. Skin screaming with the sting.

Run. Run. Run. Run. Repeating
in her mind, racing through the storm. Racing through the storm running from the rain through the rain to the rain
the rain the rain the rain

The rain.

Cold, biting, stinging rain -- rain that is alive.
Cold, biting, stinging rain.
Cold. Biting. Stinging.
Cold. Biting.



She can feel it. Feel. the cold. the bite. the sting.

the life.

Time -- what time? No time -- running. running. raining.

Hair streaming, hands shaking, feet bleeding, lips speaking
words she cannot hear. Stumbling, tumbling, crumbling on the porch
with rain.

The rain.

All she wants is rain.

Monday, May 27, 2013

i am iron maiden...


While I would like to believe that I embody qualities of Tony Stark, as in the ability to laugh in the face of danger and be phased by nothing, that is the absolute opposite of the truth. Case in point, sitting through Iron Man 3 was a nightmare. After wobbling through the parking lot, desperate to get to my car and on my way home, a panic attack ensued, leaving me so exhausted and shaky that I could barely drive.

Yep. The film was a bit too intense for this girl. Objectively, I believe that it is the best of the three when you look at character and plot development, as well as graphic quality. The film also had an actual bad guy who was legitimately frightening. Stark's other nemeses? Snore. Subjectively, not my favorite film, and one I probably will avoid in the future in favor of a Psych marathon or Captain America.

Second severe anxiety episode this weekend. Thank heaven for good friends who let you spill how you feel, who don't judge you for the crazy thoughts you share, and hug you tight so you feel safe.

Also, the puppies are seven days old as of this morning. Their eyes opened yesterday, and they are precious. I'll post some pictures as soon as I get my camera back from my sister -- can't believe she's graduating this week. It's a wee bit insane.

Sunday, May 26, 2013


It's a pretty terrible feeling when you'd do anything to get out of your own skin.


Awkward and uncomfortable.

The only thing that's been keeping me from falling apart today is that my new fosters need me. That and forcing myself to keep moving, despite the pain that's been nagging at me since last night.

I'm so tired. I'm so tired of constantly fighting the thoughts and feelings that tear at my insides. No matter what drugs I take, no matter how many counselors I talk to, things never seem to get better. I try and I try and I always find myself back at square one.

I feel as though there is no one to talk to. I know I have friends and family who will listen, but I worry that I'm a bother. I just say the same things over and over again -- mainly because the fight has never ended. It's the same fight with the same demons, and nothing ever seems to change.

People tell me that I've changed. That I'm doing better. Perhaps because I'm in the middle of it all, I don't see the change.

the me I was...

After a couple of hours spent trying to sleep, I've given up for the moment.

I keep thinking about who I used to be a few years (or even months) ago. In a lot of ways, I'm haunted by the image of the old me and wish desperately to go back to who that girl is. And at the same time, I'm just as disturbed by the pain I feel when I see all of the changes in my life.

The changes have been for good. I no longer starve myself. I no longer do a lot of things that were really quite bad for me. Yet I'm dissatisfied.

I look at myself in the mirror with contempt. I despise what I see -- the thickened waistline, the fuller hips and breasts, the presence of more me everywhere. I hate that.

I feel like I've completely lost control -- I can't go without eating anymore. I get so sick when I don't, most likely because of the years I spent keeping myself to under 1,000 calories per day, if I made it even close to that. I see pictures of myself from just last year and compare them to how I look now, and I want to cry.

I want to cry because I'm "not skinny."

How stupid is that? How ridiculous is it that I berate myself for every thing I put inside my mouth? Even as my brain says that I need to eat, and that eating is good for me, my brain also screams to stop because I'm FAT.

My diet isn't bad. I eat a lot of good foods, and I go for walks several times a day. That's about all I can do right now, as my body still gets worn out very quickly. I'm not complaining -- there have been times when all I could do was lie in bed and pray that the pain would go away. Walking is a joy. The pain I experience after a long walk is worth it, because I'm walking. And not a slow stroll walk either, but actually walking to have some sort of activity in my life.

Despite it all, my pants still get tighter. My shirts aren't baggy. There is more of me than there has been in years, and I have to force myself out of a panic when I feel myself starting to get hungry (also a new development -- in the past five years, I forgot how to feel hungry). I have to make myself be calm and remind my brain that if I don't eat, I'll get sicker.

I miss the old me. I know it's stupid. I know it's wrong. I know that weight isn't the important thing.

But I don't believe it. And I wish that I could go back.

Saturday, May 25, 2013

a little thing called trust...

There are few things I hate more than being lied to. Finding out that someone has been taking advantage of your kindness, time, and resources for over a year is like a stab in the back.

Sure, there are the little white lies that people tell. Those don't bother me so much.

It's the "cry wolf" kind of lies. The ones that I have been stupid enough to fall for over and over again. The kind of lies where you think someone is truly in trouble, but the only trouble is this: that I have been stupid enough to listen and believe every time, to the point that I've stuck up for this person.

And to think it took another person calling the cops, and the cops finding out that everything has been a lie.

Hard not to believe that, isn't it?

Despite that, I don't know what to believe. Though I do know that this person needs some serious help. Honestly, I don't think she even knows what is real and what is not. However, I don't think I can  help anymore, because I can't tell what the truth is.

I don't trust this person anymore. How can I?

Wow, it's been a rough couple of weeks. I'm going to make some cookie dough. Egg-less. Because I can just eat it.

Friday, May 24, 2013

the hardest thing...

The hardest thing about being a foster mom for dogs isn't letting them go to new homes. Yes, there are tears shed, but the knowledge that your temporary baby is going to have a wonderful life makes it all worth it.

The hardest thing is not being able to save them all.

Knowing that there are animals who will never have a chance to have a family again, or a family in general, is killing me right now. I'm so grateful that Chels and I were able to take Lily, Bowser, and Teddy, and that we'll be able to provide a temporary home for four other dogs (a mom, dad, and their two puppies) this weekend. I wish, though, that I could do more. Just the thought of these wonderful animals being numbered on a kill list at the shelter makes me want to cry.

If you have room in your home for a foster dog, please take the time to check out Rescue Rovers and give these friends a second chance.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

so super dizzy...

When I woke up this morning, I felt great. I got the best sleep I've had in weeks and I couldn't remember any of the dreams I'm pretty sure that I had.

Everything changed when I got up to brush my teeth. All of the sudden the floor was the ceiling, the door was the window, and the bed was the closet. Also known as the room appeared to be spinning and twisting like mad.

As of now, the dizziness has only increased and I would very much like to go back to bed. It's kind of funny -- in between tasks here at work I have to stop and hold on to something for a minute or two until my eyes stop thinking the walls are moving. Gotta let my vision catch up with what my brain already knows -- walls don't move. Unless you're in Harry Potter. Or Psych.

Other than the dizziness, I feel great. 

I feel so great. 

Seriously. I'm being completely serious. 

There are so many good things in this world. Here's a list:
  1. Little Lily Bear got adopted this week! She went to a family who has a cross-eyed cat and some other cool stuff, but Chels lost me at the words "cross-eyed cat" and I don't remember anything other than that. It's funny because Lily is slightly wall-eyed, and the cat is cross-eyed, so they even each other out! How cool is that? I'm glad she has a family to love her.
  2. It is so sunny today. It's sunny and bright and warm -- if I weren't so dizzy, I'd take a long walk in it. Sitting at the park will have to do.
  3. Two exams down yesterday! Only finals left for English, and now that I know what to expect, I almost look forward to it. Seriously, that essay I wrote was awesome. If the prof doesn't like it, who cares? I like it.
  4. Voice lessons are awesome.
  5. Doing what I want to do with my life makes me so much happier than doing what I think others want me to do.
By the way, Village Inn has a Tin Roof Sundae pie that is so. Good. Mostly because of the crust. If a pie has a good crust, I'm going to like it.

Ha. When I watch my fingers typing, I feel like throwing up. This is a fun game.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013


Everything I look at squiggles and wiggles before my eyes. The carpet. The wall. The door. The screen. Even my toes are squirming and twisting in a strange, motionless dance. Because they're not actually moving.

Perhaps I'm dehydrated. Perhaps I'm lacking nutrients that my body needs to function properly. Both of these are most likely accurate -- if I remember to eat, or have the will power to force myself, I haven't really been eating very well the past few days. And I cannot for the life of me remember to drink. The water bottle on my desk at work sits full and untouched for entire shifts, as does the one in my backpack, and the one on the kitchen table.

My head is full of air, like a balloon bouncing and jouncing on a string.

My heart is full of lead, like a weight on the floor of the ocean.

Honestly, I'm exhausted. I'm pushing through things, but nothing I'm doing has results like I want.

I can't focus enough to study -- I fill out the study guides, but I take in nothing. I can't get anything done at work --  I go to the office and sit at the desk, but I end up staring at the screen for hours, unaware that I'm doing nothing. I can't complete tasks at home -- I get halfway through a job, such as the dishes, but then have no energy to get them done.

There are so many questions in my head. What did I do wrong? What more could I have done? What should I do now? How can I fix this? Should I? Should I not? What? When? Where? Who? How?


Questions, questions, tormenting and reopening wounds -- "don't live in the past," "don't dwell on things," "don't ask why." I know. I know not to.

And I do it anyway.

Should I move on?

I'm eavesdropping on two people in at the end of the hallway. One I know from a music class two semesters ago. She said something that, while it doesn't relieve the pain and emptiness between my ears, speaks to my heart:

"If it's the right thing, then you'll still be here when the time is right."

If it's right, God will make it so. Whatever the right thing is, God's will shall be done. Keep living. Keep trying. Keep working. Keep studying. Keep doing.

One day at a time -- one minute, one hour, one day --
moving, moving, moving.
Moving towards God -- to His blessings.

So dizzy.

Thursday, May 16, 2013


I have not felt this horrible in years.

Not knowing what to do, not knowing what to say, not knowing where to turn -- not knowing -- I hate not knowing.

I feel lost.

Adrift in the dark with nothing but pain for company.

So this is heartbreak. This is real, true, hopeless heartbreak. It's nothing I've ever felt before, not even when I've been hurt in the past. This -- whatever this is -- this. Is unbearable.

I need a nap.

peace in the storm...

I hate you.

That's been running through my mind a lot today. Vicious and cruel, broken and empty -- there have been various tones of the sentiment.

All day, though, I've seen evidences of how much I am loved. I saw it a lot last night as well. Today I really felt it.

Though I've had my world turned upside down again and my heart wrenched from my chest, I'm okay. Life goes on. Not only does it go on, but it goes on happily, joyfully, with people who love and are in their turn lovable.

I've made serious mistakes. I've lost a lot, including the one person who meant the most to me in the entire world. But I have not lost my faith. Nor have I lost my Heavenly Father. If anything, I feel closer to him than I've felt in a long time. All day I've been comforted and sheltered from the turmoil raging inside my heart. There have been tears, yes. Tears, however, can often be as healing as a good laugh. At least they are for me.

I'm still angry. I'm still heart broken. I'm still confused and sad and scared.

But I'm not alone.

Sunday, May 12, 2013


"World's worst ___________________."

That's how I feel right now. World's worst you name it, that's how I feel.

Worst daughter.
Worst friend.
Worst student.
Worst employee.
Worst girlfriend.

Especially the worst girlfriend part.

But more the worst person in general.

It's probably not true, and probably stems from many factors. Like lack of sleep, intense worry about an exam tomorrow, a near panic attack during church this afternoon, the family gathering tonight, weaning off of medications.

I feel like a total jerk.

Also probably not true, but it doesn't lessen how badly I feel.

I really do feel like the worst person ever. And so, I think it's time for bed.

Friday, May 3, 2013

things I learned today...

  1. My dryer only shuts off if it gets too hot. The rest of the time I have to pay careful attention to how long clothes have been in the dryer so that things don't shrink. That's why I noticed -- I put a load of towels in the dryer and a little while later the house was quiet. Yep. Dryer had gotten too hot and had shut itself off.
  2. Most of the curators and non-student staff at work now treat me like I'm in charge of Workflows. The student employees like me know better, and none of us can figure out why the big wigs don't spread things around a little bit more. I mean, come on -- I haven't even been trained on the super specifics, yet I'm expected to know them.
  3. When Kala gets hungry enough, she will not hesitate from waking you up from an unexpected nap by huffing and whining in your ear. And if that doesn't work, she'll full on whop you on the face with her paw. I guess she was really hungry, or I slept a lot longer than I thought I did.
  4. It is possible for professors to assign homework that takes five to six hours a day, and have exams once to twice a week for an entire term.
  5. I really, really like my job.
  6. I CAN MAKE GOOD COOKIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously. Never before have I been able to make a good batch of cookies by myself. But this time, they're turned out amazing. Which is why I am actually going to take them to the neighbors as I originally intended, rather than tossing my mess into the garbage bin. Because it's not a mess! It's cookies!
  7. Chelsea's pillows are much more comfortable than mine.
  8. I really need to get better sleep!

Thursday, May 2, 2013

why do I feel like I failed...

I got a 3.7 for the semester. Two A's, an A-, and a B+.

First ever B+ at BYU. In a history class. I'm good at history and I got a B+.

My rational mind recognizes that I did a really good job, particularly given the circumstances of the past few months. I've never missed that much school in college, and I've never missed that much work. I had such a hard time doing my homework because I was so sick most of the time, and taking exams was a nightmare.

Oh, and I figured out why things were made harder: I went to the psychiatrist yesterday to ask him some questions about my medications that I was given for migraines and depression, and we discovered that the meds are causing short term memory problems. This also messes up long term memory, particularly with studying, because the short term never sticks long enough to become long term.


So, in reality, I should be very happy with this semester. But for some reason, I feel like I totally failed.

That's dumb.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

May Day...

First day of May.

Wake up and think, 'my face is frozen'.

Follow me to the bathroom and experience a bewildering sensation that the tile has suddenly turned into an ice rink. I forgot my skates, so my toes were not very happy.

Turn on the faucet to 'HOT' and find that even after running it for 30 seconds, the water won't come out warm.

Look out the window and see ice on the bushes, slowly becoming water as the sun forces itself through the clouds.

Walk outside and realize that the sweater isn't going to be enough, and it's time to pull out the winter coat. Again.

May Day, anyone?

For real. Mayday, Mayday, Mayday -- get me outta here!