Thursday, May 31, 2012

taking a(nother) break...

This theory project (I call it the Beast) is just one frustration after another. Luckily it isn't officially due until next Friday. A completed draft is expected tomorrow, but as my professor put hypothetical quotation marks around the word completed and then said to at least "bring stuff," I'm inclined to take him very seriously.

It's all just frustrating. Finding enough time to get things all finished is ridiculously difficult (two jobs, the internship, other homework from the same class, maybe getting some sleep, trying to stay on top of the Move stuff). So is getting things to work out on the blog (that's what my project format is). No matter how I try to get it to work, the formatting gets messed up. I'll probably have to retype everything into each post because copy-paste isn't behaving. I even tried editing the HTML, but no go.

And so here I am, surrounded by books, papers, pens, stacks of notes, cords for technological things, my school bag, and my sketchbook (which I no longer sketch in). I've got 60 pages of reading to do before class tomorrow, plus messing with my project blog. Sleeping isn't a very good option anymore (8 hours over the course of the last two nights -- not because I haven't tried to sleep, but because when I do go to bed I just lay awake -- even the sleeping pill I took last night didn't help much). Despite not sleeping, I don't feel particularly tired. Just stressed out and frustrated and rather sad.

Happily, tomorrow is Friday. I'm going to play with Brianna and Ann for a little while, and get more work done on the Beast.

Brown out...that was scary. Oh, and do you ever get lines from movies stuck in your head? Or scenes of movies that just replay over and over again? When it happens to me, they're usually the most random, unimportant scenes. Like the one that's currently playing through my brain. It's from (three guesses) Captain America, when the stage manager of the USO show is searching through the dressing room and yells, "Has anybody seen Rogers!"

Yes, I punctuated the question with an exclamation mark, because the man doesn't use any inflection that signifies a question.

So obscure. Whatever. It's fine.

PS I say "Whatever. It's fine." so much that the tutors in the writing center said they want to make me a t-shirt with the phrase on it. I'm not sure that's a good thing...

Tuesday, May 29, 2012


For having been caught by a rather flooring cold (because I didn't catch that thing -- there is no way I would ever voluntarily reach out and grab any bug, let alone one as disgusting as this one), I've gotten a lot done this weekend:

...I've cleaned my room so well that you can see almost the entire floor
...almost all of my clothes are put neatly into the closet (minus the ones that need to be ironed)
...I've boxed up the winter clothes (which I find I might need because it's actually been rather cold)
...I finished my FAFSA application
...written an outline for my 251 project
...started up a skeleton blog site for aforementioned project
...written three papers for my internship
...compiled a couple of different music lists of various genres for workouts
...I planned workouts (!!!)
...began working on a budget for The Move
...selected cupcake recipes to practice before I take them to the writing center to share
...went to the library and braved the deathly still fifth floor to find research materials for the project

So yes, I've been productive. I've been motivated and I've made progress. And after all of that...I only have one question:

WHY am I suddenly in tears?!

I don't get it. See, it's one of those times where I feel so very sad, but I don't understand why. I can't explain it, so I can't talk about it. I write things out (a friend told me I'm very good at writing what I'm thinking) and there's no connection. It's just this dumb feeling that has no logical explanation.

Well. That's that. I'm going to make cupcakes. Maybe. This project kinda takes precedence...

Sunday, May 27, 2012


It's been another one of those difficult weeks. Lots of pain, little sleep, many things to do, and home alone often. I've been very grateful that it's a three day weekend, because it means that I won't miss any school but I can still rest.

I've also been very grateful for the little things that have reminded me that someone is watching out for me. I'm lucky to be where I am and to have the people that have been put in my life.

I'm lucky because

...Misty is one of the sweetest little dogs in the entire world. She sleeps with me, she spends time with me, she makes me laugh when I'm sad, and she cuddles with me when we're both cold. Love that dog.
...people like Steven and Dominique text me just to say hello. It's always great to have a day start with a text that says you're loved.
...that lovely girl Q sent me a short message to tell me that she loves me.
...Kenna invited me to hang out with her on Saturday morning. We made breakfast and talked about how wonderful life is, even when it's hard (because it truly is wonderful). She and I think so alike it's scary. We decided again that we definitely are sisters; we just had to find each other.
...Dad asked me to watch Captain America with him on Friday night because we both weren't feeling well. He bought pizza and cookies (I know, great food when you're sick, haha) and we watched the movie together. It was great.
...I got to talk to Jaden, Ruthie, Coty, Brianna, and Corby today. I love text messaging -- I can have conversations with multiple friends at once without any of them needing to leave a voicemail (which half the time I don't get anyway. My phone is dying).
...I was really worried that some of my friends were upset at me, but then one of them sent me an email to say hello and I felt better about everything.

The Lord cares enough about me to put me in contact with people who stay in contact with me. Friendships mean a lot to me, and to have others care about a relationship as much as I do helps me keep going. I know I need to learn to be less dependent on others, but you know? I really can take care of myself, and I do, even on the days that I'm sad. It just makes it a little bit easier when there's somebody to talk to -- even if in the talking we never address anything other than the happy things.

Most of these people don't know that this week has been hard. That's one of the reasons why it meant so much to me for them to say hello or spend time with me. They were each answers to prayers in their own way, and for that I am very grateful.

Life is GREAT, guys. Even when it's hard, it's great.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

they know why...

School is so complicated. It's so much more than going to class and doing assignments. There are all of the hoops to jump through to fulfill requirements, all of the things you can't say in order to remain on good terms with professors and peers, all of the extra things needed outside of classes to show potential employers or educators that you're prepared, all of the little things that no one mentions until you get an email telling you that you dropped the ball you didn't know you were holding.

All of this stress and work and anxiety over a piece of paper with your name on it that says you accomplished something. All of the money, time, energy, frustration, all of it, for the sake of some fake gold lettering that you put on your wall.

There is a point to all of this stuff I'm doing, I'm sure of it. For one thing it keeps me from being bored out of my mind. For another, I'm getting a glimpse of how others think and behave in a way I wouldn't if I just had a job.

However, I don't feel like I'm doing this for any other reason than if I don't, there will be consequences that will be detrimental in the future. Be it social disapproval, or inability to provide for myself or future family, or not being able to do the things I want to do with my life -- I feel as if I go to school out of fear, rather than a desire to learn. A lot of the time I don't feel like I'm learning anything, other than that I'll never get used to how often I feel stupid in school.

I know that there are people who would do anything for a shot at an education. I mean, look at what's happening in Afghanistan. 122 girls and 3 teachers were poisoned by the Taliban while the girls were in school because these girls want an education. Not only that, but this isn't the first time this has happened over there. And you know what? The terrorists aren't stopping girls from going to school. Despite this serious threat, girls in Afghanistan don't let it stop them from learning. They're literally risking their lives to learn. They don't let anything stop them.

I'm not anywhere near as dedicated as they are. Some days I don't even know why I'm going to school. I mean...I go to school out of fear. They go to show the world that no one can stop them. They know why they're going. They know why it's important. I wish I could see it as clearly as they do, free from the lense of doubt and frustration.

I need to be more grateful for what I have. Those girls sure are -- they're grateful for their school houses that are falling down, with three students to a desk and not enough books to go around, while security guards stand outside to keep people from causing trouble. They know what they're doing, and they know why the're doing it. I pray that I can be half as brave and determined as they are.

would you?

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

a to the venge...

Ann and I went to see The Avengers the day after it came out. I didn't go to the midnight showing because I acted like a grown-up and went to bed because I had school the next day (stupid school). Since it was a special occasion, we splurged on blue raspberry Icees, popcorn, Sangria, chocolate covered pomegranate seeds (Ann hates them), and Avengers temporary tattoos. My Captain America shield on my collar bone was quite awesome, as were our ribbons: Ann's was for Thor and mine was for the Captain.

Super excited fan girls. No big deal.

Since then I have been multiple times, each time with different people. If you guess more than two, you're right. If you guess less than seven, you're also right. However, that is likely to after seeing it several times, here is what I have to say:

First, that the movie is super entertaining. For an action-packed film it was surprisingly hilarious! Second, Captain America is just a good guy. Third, there isn't really a weak performance in the whole film. Fourth, there are some pretty interesting symbols in the film, if you know where to look for them. Linnea in her Loki colors and I in my blue America hoodie shirt saw it tonight (we also splurged because pay day was on Friday...pretzels, popcorn, Coke Zero, the works) in a nearly empty theater and discussed many of those points while we watched.

I liked the movie because it was fun, fast paced, full of clever dialogue, includes interesting allusions to other films and, if you look for it, spiritual things (and my literature/theory professors think I can't analyze), and had characters you could actually root for. Yes, Steve Rogers steals my attention every time, but each character has an interesting story and a key role in the events. There are things I would have liked to see more of in the storytelling (like less Iron Man and more Captain America and Thor), but overall I really liked it and I would recommend it to audiences who like a fast moving story with interesting twists and turns (and a great villain).

In short, if you're looking for a stellar plot with great character development, eh, not so great. BUT if you want to see some bad guys get their butts kicked, heroes banter back and forth with wit so quick you can't help but laugh out loud, and some pretty intense, dizzying in a good way special effects -- in my opinion, it can be classified as a good movie. Assembly complete. Avengers unite. Yay!

Sunday, May 20, 2012

family matters...

I am going on record by stating this goal for my life: that when I have a family of my own, I will never yell at my spouse or children, unless it is to warn them of danger -- like if one of the kids runs out into the road and I need to stop them, or if a tree is going to fall on them (it happens -- my dad has been hit by trees twice). All other circumstances will be handled without any kind of yelling, screaming, swearing, belittling, guilt tripping, or any other such displays of loud, unkind anger. I will not be the cause for contention and fear in my home.

I know I'm not going to be a perfect wife or parent, but by golly, I will do whatever it takes to not scare or hurt my family. I want my spouse and kids to feel safe, loved, and treasured. If I've learned anything in my 20 years at home, it's that family members should be treated with respect, kindness, and love -- family members are not punching bags for you to verbally abuse because you are frustrated or upset. It is not and never will be okay. And so I promise now, today, forever, to do my best to be a peacemaker, to be understanding and kind -- not to be permissive -- but gently firm.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

team coulson...

Oh, snap.

weird day...

Strangest Friday of my life. Nothing went as planned, and a lot of things turned out odd in a good way. Others, not so much.
  1. Finished the exam within ten minutes of the time limit. 2 hours and 50 minutes of all short answer essays and essay questions, 32 questions total. Uuuuuuuuuuuuugh. It is OVER.
  2. Missed getting soaked by a sudden cloudburst by about 30 seconds.
  3. Getting to Walmart took half an hour. Blergh.
  4. When I returned to my car after dropping off photos at Walmart, a lady sitting in the van next to me asked me if I would watch her sleeping children for a few minutes while she ran into the store to grab something. I said sure. While she was gone, I began imagining horrible reasons for why she had left the kids with me (she'd killed them and left their bodies in the car, leaving me to deal with the crime and be a suspect as well; she'd left the kids asleep and taken off for good; they weren't really her kids at all and she was a kidnapper who'd chickened out). After poking my head through the open window and making sure the children were alive, I felt a little better. Anyway, the mother returned and paid me in king size Kit Kat, Whatchamacallit (Whatchamaspellit), and Almond Hershey bars and a bag of pistachios, plus the change from her purchases. Definitely the most interesting babysitting experience I've ever had (except for the time Ian pulled a gun on me...)
  5. After examining the sink full of dishes and the stack next to them, I realized something: three of the dishes from the entire week were mine. I don't eat at home very much these days. I also realized that no one had done dishes at all the whole week. SICK. And so I did them, starting with the three I had used. I hate doing dishes.
  6. Went back to Walmart to pick up photos and found white canvas sneakers for only $5. I bought two pairs because I wear those things out so fast. AND I found a Captain America t-shirt for under $10. Yes, it's a guy's shirt and yes, it's made for someone shaped like a rectangle, but whatever. I can't find a Captain America shirt in a girl's tee, and all of the plain white t-shirts were sold out so I can't make one yet. This will just have to do!
  7. There is construction everywhere. It took me 45 minutes to get from my house to Spanish Fork -- although I think that the majority of the time was spent trying to get out of the gas station lot.
  8. Got to see Kayla, Tayler, Kenna, Maddy, Ben, and Steven tonight, plus make some new friends. It's been FOREVER since I've seen those kids. Steven's reaction to my haircut was the best (I didn't tell any of them about it). He freaked out. It's good to know that I am first and foremost his first and favorite "wife." Good times.
  9. Tonight was the first time I've stubbed my toe on cement in almost a decade. That's because about ten years ago I stopped going barefoot. Well, tonight I went barefoot and you know that feeling of skin meeting concrete? OUCH!!! My toe is gashed wide open...if it wasn't a toe, it wouldn't hurt so badly. Lots of little nerves in there. Yowza.
  10. What I saw of X-Men: First Class was dumb. There were so many unnecessary parts -- we skipped more than half of the first half of the movie. I didn't get to see the end, but I didn't like the beginning, so I'm okay with it. I have issues with heroes who aren't good people. Like Magneto? Um...he's a bad person. Yes, he has a VERY troubled past, but seriously? Bad guy. I won't ramble on about it.
  11. Got to the airport exactly 60 minutes from the time I left Taylor's house. I don't really know how that happened.
  12. Dad's home! His flight was delayed, so I ended up waiting at the airport in the parking lot for about an hour and a half. The guys in the car next to me were weird. Just sayin'.
K, now I'm freezing and I'm going to go to bed okay?

Thursday, May 17, 2012


I've noticed that I blog a lot more when I'm feeling anxious. Kind of like right now.

This exam is stressing me out so much. I've studied for four hours today, and two yesterday, with some regular prepping for class sessions every day this term, but I don't feel like it's enough.

I don't know what I'm supposed to know! I don't know the format, I don't have any clue about the types of questions that will be on the exam, I don't know how to give good answers.

...thank goodness for good things...

...for my dog Misty, who has spent the whole day with me
...for Alyssa, who made the shift enjoyable
...for Brianna, who visited me at work and brought me beautiful pink flowers in a mason jar with an orange ribbon (love the ribbon so much)
...for Taco Bell, which has cheap food (even though I had to force myself not to think about what I was eating -- it's a lot better in my imagination than it is in my mouth. You can feel the calories -- sick)
...for my dad, who called me again tonight
...for silly temporary tattoos, Iron Man flying across my right collar bone (I'm such a rebel)
...for hot showers, because no one has been home to run any water all day
...for clean sheets, which smell so good and are so soft
...for parties to look forward to this weekend

Because even though I'm an emotional wreck, good things still happen.

Still...emotional wreck. I hate feeling so unprepared for an exam, especially after I've spent so much time with the material. Ugh. Whatever. Sleeping pill time. After 12pm tomorrow, the exam will be over and that will be that. Joy.

fun in the work place...

I have interesting jobs. I work at a party store and a snow shack, and I intern in a prestigious university's writing center. Each job has different requirements, but a lot of the skills that I've learned for each individual job are applicable to all three. The environments, however, are more than a little different.

The writing center has an intellectual, academic, and stiff atmosphere. Some days it almost oozes with elitism. It bothers me, because students who come in for a tutoring session look uncomfortable and many of them can't wait to get out. Not all of the tutors contribute to that feeling -- the few that do are good at it though. As I've observed, I've decided that I will not become a tutor with that elite mindset. I don't even think of myself as a tutor, or students as students. I think of myself as a writer, and the students who come in are writers as well. That levels the playing field and turns the sessions into collaborative efforts, rather than the term tutor becoming a title that gets in the way.

The snow shack is a bit trickier to explain because all shifts are run solo, and it's definitely just a job. I like it most days, but it's mostly cleaning the shack, filling up the flavor bottles, stocking supplies, taking and completing customer orders, and making sure that the other girls stay on top of their work. I've sort of become the unofficial manager of the Orem store...I think it's because I'm the oldest girl working there and I'm the only one who really works at keeping the place running in a clean, orderly fashion. That's sort of fun for me because I get to be in contact with the owner a lot. Natalie is so great.

PartyLand is an entirely different animal. It's fun, it's crazy, it's stressful, it's boring, it's exciting, it's annoying, it's everything all wrapped up into one, giant, eclectic, hodge podge party store. The people are great to work with -- they're some of my closest friends -- the work isn't too hard but it's stimulating, and it's an outlet for creativity. It's the most frustrating and most enjoyable work place. The fun generally outweighs the frustration though.

For example, PartyLand is the only place where I can make themed balloon bouquets like this one:

Yes. This is an Avengers mylar (insert girly squeal of excitement here). But wait. It gets better.

A totally Avengers themed bouquet. Alyssa and I made it a couple of days ago. I'm rather proud of it. I was so happy that Tracy ordered the mylar that I requested. She let me pick it out, too. Can you spot all of the heroes? We fit all six of them into it!

Six super heroes represented in one giant, ridiculously fun, delightful, vengeance-filled bouquet. SO. MUCH. FUN.

Avengers assemble!! Holla!!

things get better...

...stressful days still hold smile-worthy things...

...random calls from dad because he said he had a feeling I needed someone -- twice in one day
...texting Brianna and having a fun conversation with her for a few minutes
...talking to my sister Amanda for a little while and sharing dreams and schemes dogs Misty and Molly "sharing" my dinner (they stole a potsticker) and cuddling with me on the couch
...chatting with Parker for about 15 minutes after I accidently pocket dialed him, and he called me back -- so good to hear his voice
...a sympathetic comment from a friend regarding the upcoming exam paycheck is bigger than I expected it to be
...Amanda made chocolate milkshakes -- BIG chocolate milkshakes
...this picture that Linnea shared on my Facebook page:

...little tender grateful for them...

Wednesday, May 16, 2012


Here's the rub:

I'm stressed, I'm scared, and I'm exhausted. I've eaten too many peanut M&M's, I've contributed nothing to my class study guide except reformatting sections (because let's face it -- some of them were a little scary), and I've scared my dogs because I keep bursting into tears. I have no idea how to study for this exam, I don't know what to expect (because my professor so kindly said that if he told us to prepare for multiple choice or essays or matching that the fun of the exam would be ruined), and I have a horrible feeling that I'm not going to be prepared no matter what I do.

In short, I despise English 251.

Mostly, though, I hate being alone.

Monday, May 14, 2012

a late surprise...

Remember how I told you I had a surprise, and that I'd show you, but then I never did?'s because I never had any pictures to put up. I was told I'd be emailed some, but I never got them, so these will do! Here's my surprise...a month and a half bad.

Remember how my hair always looks like this?'s like this now:

Chopped it. I'd been thinking about cutting and donating my hair since January, but I'd never had the time. Then, one fine day in March, Locks of Love came to BYU. I had an hour between classes, so I sat myself down and had my hair cut off.

16 inches donated. The stylists said I only needed to give 10 inches, but since I had so much, why not go all the way, right? And so I did! It was quite shocking.

You know, my hair was actually shorter when I first got it cut -- it reached barely below my chin. A month and a half later, it touches my collarbone. That's when it's dry and curly. When my hair is wet, it reaches a little bit below that. How cool, huh?

Anyway. Sometimes I look in the mirror and think I'm crazy for cutting off all of my hair. Those are usually the days when I have no idea what to do with it, or it's full of static from working with balloons all day, or I see a girl with waist length curls and miss my own. And then I think about the little girl, or the little boys (because you could probably get two or three short wigs out of my hair -- seriously, it was so thick and long when the girl who cut it handed it to me), who get to have my hair. After all, mine will grow back. But I sure am glad that I was able to do this, and help someone out there have pretty hair to wear. I can't do much, but I can do enough.

Sunday, May 13, 2012


There are some topics that raise feelings of nausea in me. It's the real psychological deal: dizziness, blurry vision, headaches, and the uncomfortable twisting of my insides. Topics like getting shots (ugh), entrance exams, spinning rides at carnivals, looking for work -- those are a few that are on the list. One, however, is the mother of all nausea-makers. That topic is marriage.

It comes up all the time in my life these days. My sisters talk about it. My parents talk about it. My friends talk about it. My professors talk about it. Mostly it's my sisters and parents. Meghan and Amanda have detailed lists of what they want in a husband -- they even have specific boys that they've got their eyes on (and are quietly waiting for while these boys go on missions). My parents have specific boys that they like, and often praise these boys in front of me. In every family council or meeting in which we discuss future events and expenses, mom and dad look at me and say casually, "Now, we also need to remember that somebody could get engaged in the next year." Shortly after, the list is again discussed in detail, and I sit there feeling small and awkward and preparing myself for a dash out of the room in case my stomach decides it can't handle things anymore.

First off: I have nothing against marriage. I think it's a wonderful, amazing, good thing. I'm not ragging on the institution itself. For most people, it's great! But only great at the right time, in the right place, with the right people, by the right authority. Today, tomorrow, and at least through next week (if not longer), it's not right for me.

Where I am in my life, the discussion of marriage only arouses feelings of horror, terror, and nausea. Even right now, it just makes me feel like I do after I've been driving for a long time: sick.

I don't like feeling pressured to marry. I don't like having lists of names passed under my nose for examination, especially when I can see that the names on the lists would be good choices, though ones hopelessly out of my reach.

Perhaps there are people who think I'm being silly and ridiculous. That could be the case. I am being honest when I say that marriage, as wonderful as it is for other people, is not wonderful for me at the present time. I mean, heck. There aren't even any potentials in my life! Honestly, I don't want any potentials right now. I just want to be as I am. I actually like this single me (yes, it's true, even if some of you don't believe me). Right now it feels most important that I focus on the things that I can control, like my schooling and employment. Sure, I'll go out with a guy if he asks me. Until then, though, I won't be looking for potentials. Some things are better left alone. After all, it's often been said that love finds you when you least expect it. And I am okay with that, particularly if it means I won't feel sick. Or as never know, right?

Saturday, May 12, 2012

getting nothing done...

As you've probably noticed, I am a list person. Lists of things that make me smile, playlists of music, to do lists, things I'm thinking about lists, to be lists, this and that lists. If you can line it up with some bullet points, numbers, or dots, I like it.

What I don't like is the increasing length of my to do lists (yes, plural). It is such a struggle these days to get anything done -- my homework, cleaning my room (I've lost many battles, but I am not losing this war), packing up stuff I can store, sorting through things that I no longer need, writing to missionaries -- everything seems so very hard to do. I can't focus, and I don't even want to focus.

Why, do you ask? Because I'm exhausted.

Seriously. I am so, so, SO tired all the time. The worst part of it is that I can never sleep well. It takes me a really long time to fall asleep, and then when I do, I don't stay asleep for long. My greatest wish is to sleep longer than two hours without waking up. When I was younger I could sleep through almost anything -- once I even slept through the smoke alarm that went off when it got a whiff of some wandering cigarette smoke that came in through the air vent. That scared my parents quite badly. They needn't worry anymore. Nowadays the door opening upstairs (which is a flight of stairs above me and on the other end of the house), or the sound of my dad's phone beeping in his room (which is two flights above me on the opposite side of the house from me), or the crickets in the evening and the birds in the morning, or any other number of small noises wake me up.

Not to mention I dream all the time. I crawl in bed exhausted, but due to the number of dreams and their contents I wake up feeling more tired than I was before.

I lack motivation these days. I get the most important things done (most of the time), and then I have no energy left. And so I watch the to do list grow, fretting because of how fast it is lengthening. Then I put it away because item number one is at least attemptable. It doesn't always go as I plan, but I can at least try.'s the easiest thing to cross off...item number one being "take a nap."

Friday, May 11, 2012

what's important...

I hate to admit that I've blown people off because I didn't feel like getting involved. There have been days where I've noticed someone was sad or upset and I just offered a casual, "You okay?" without really expecting an honest answer. And they responded with the socially acceptable, and often expected, "Doing good," even if they're not. Often times a follow up question of "Are you sure?" is met with the reply "I'm fine, just tired." Those are answers I'm totally okay with. Most people are, I think. After all, it's a rather scripted conversation:

"Hi, how are you?"
"Good, you?"
*insert smiley faces...*

It occurs every day in my life at least twice, be it me asking or someone asking me. But do I even really care? I'd like to say that I do, but just pops out of my mouth before I even think about what might happen if the other person deviates from the script. Does the other person care how I'm doing? Maybe he/she is thinking the same things that I am.

Or are we just conforming to an expectation that doesn't really mean much anymore because it is so prominent -- so expected?

Realizing how frequently I blow people off is a little surprising. What's not surprising is that I didn't start thinking about it until I noticed how often I'm blown off by the people who I believe should be the most interested in my life. And then I get to many times do I blow off those people who should be the most important to me?

That's not a good thing. I'm especially feeling it now, that it isn't a good thing. Blowing people off or accepting the generic, almost automated "I'm fine" response isn't always what is needed. Yes, we're all busy. I'm busier than I've been in a long time. However, that doesn't mean I should use my crazy schedule as an excuse. Homework is important, work is important, church is important, a lot of things are important. It is PEOPLE, though, who are the MOST important.

Perhaps it doesn't need to be a long, lengthy, soul-bearing conversation. Maybe all somebody needs is a big hug, or a short note, or a question posed in a way that shows the sincerity behind the asker's query. Maybe the answer will still be "I'm fine, just tired," but at least the person knows that somebody is interested. The person will know that if ever the answer becomes deeper than the expected, it's okay. Somebody out there will put aside his or her own cares and listen for a few minutes. Because sometimes all you need is someone to listen.

Thursday, May 10, 2012


In the past 48 hours, I have had the following comments directed at me:
  • "You're an idiot."
  • "This is probably the crappiest job I have ever seen anyone do. It's just awful!"
  • "Well, clearly you don't know what you're doing at all."
  • "You are not helpful." 

What really bothers me about it all is that
1) I did the best I could with the directions I was given (which were given by the person(s) who gave me the directions in the first place),
2) actually, I do know what I'm doing -- the person who said that has no idea what is needed to complete particular tasks which take time and are a little difficult when there are other people needing my attention as well, and
3) helping a person who can't make up his/her mind no matter how many options I give is not my fault.

 In short, I'm feeling exceptionally self-conscious and awkward with everyone I come in contact with. I don't want to go back to the writing center. I don't want to go back to work. No choice though. And so I'm trying to give people the benefit of the doubt -- maybe they were having a bad day or they were frustrated with things, then took it out on me because I was there.

All of this makes me very glad that the rest of the day was good. My friend Corby took me to see The Avengers with him and it was quite enjoyable (you'll be seeing a review of it later on -- if Ann ever posts pictures to go with it, that is). Corby is one of the nicest, funniest, smartest people I know (and I'm not just saying that because he sometimes reads this blog). Not only that, but he bought me a peanut butter shake at Iceburg, and then we talked for a couple of hours about a bajillion (almost) things. It was great to spend time with a good friend!

Then the evening got better. I got a text message from Brady telling me that I'm awesome times a million in all caps with a smiley face. And my dog snuggled with me for a long time because she didn't want me to put her down. And I realized that school is almost over. And I heard this song on the radio:


Not so great day ended much better than I thought it would. Good, good, good.


Tuesday, May 8, 2012

happy things...'s a good day in May...

...Ruthie is back in town for the summer before she goes on her mission -- so glad to have her back!
...discovered a safe topic of conversation in the Writing Center: TV shows
...Misty follows me around and sleeps with me all the time -- love that dog
...finding a pen that makes my handwriting better
...being trusted
...carrots -- carrots are so great
...$5 tip at the snow shack from a really nice, very cute guy
...not spilling that bright red tiger's blood snow cone on a customer -- yes, that was a good thing
...funny, random memes posted on friends' Facebook pages which make me laugh out loud -- literally
...memories that prompt smiles, rather than tears
...dark chocolate covered pomegranate seeds cozy, warm, soft, excellent bed

the way it was...

I remember

...sitting next to you at lunch, making up stories about the people passing by.
...dancing with you.
...going with you to the credit recovery program the high school offered after school so you wouldn't have to be by yourself.
...walking to the park and swinging on the swings for hours until I got sick and we laid in the grass before going back home.
...the afternoon that I got in my first wreck -- it was also the first time you held me when I cried.
...trying not to get caught looking at you in choir class.
...that I was one of the few people who could ever surprise you.
...our first fight, onstage during our ballroom performance in the dance concert at the end of the school year.
...when you came to my house late at night to apologize, and how I couldn't help but forgive you.
...the afternoon in the parking lot during the rainstorm, where you twirled me around and around as the rain drenched us while we laughed. you laughed at how shocked I was the first time you kissed me on the cheek -- and how I cried when you drove away after saying good-bye for the summer.
...the night you called me when you were gone for the summer and we talked for four hours.
...the look on your face when I gave you your birthday present.
...when I fell asleep on your shoulder on the bus ride home when we were on choir tour.
...that summer night under the cherry tree, blossoms all pink and white, and you asked me to dance with you before you drove me home.
...the first time you told me that you loved me.

I'm glad I can remember you now and smile. I didn't think I'd ever get to this point. It feels good.

Monday, May 7, 2012

in theory...

I put off my homework again. Surprised? I kind of am. I should know better by now.

I've been finishing up my readings for Theory tomorrow morning. This comic was used in the book. It is an exact description of how I've been thinking lately. Or almost exact...minus the tiger and the red wagon.

Really though. It's so true I could be Calvin.

PS Honestly, this makes me laugh so hard. I think I'll print it off and tape it to my mirror. DONE. After I buy ink for the printer, that is.

Sunday, May 6, 2012


My PartyLand buddy and partner in adventure moved away to Idaho in April. It's been easier than I thought it would be in some ways. It's probably because I don't have a lot of time for missing anyone. There's hardly time to sleep!

He surprised me with an email earlier this week. I sent his last paycheck to him in the mail and a week later I sent a follow-up text because who knows if I actually got the correct address. I didn't get a text back, but a legit email. Which is funny to me because 1) he never gets on Facebook and 2) he seemed to want little connection to anything home related.

He did get the check, by the way.

Now we have some semblance of a pen-pal friendship. He writes, I write back, he writes again, you know how it works. It's fun, getting an alert on my phone telling me that I have a message waiting for me. I am just oh so connected -- I get 150 characters and spaces of whatever he's written as a preview, and then the wondering about what else he said begins until I can get on a computer.

I shouldn't worry about this, but of course, I have to. My friend once told me that I'm the type of person who has to find something to worry about, even if it means worrying about not having anything to worry about. 7 months of friendship and he knows me well -- sometimes it's annoying. Most times it's not so bad. Anyway -- I worry because , what happens when I have nothing interesting to say? I don't want to waste his time...if I'm busy, then he's out of control unavailable (which is one of the reasons why his emails mean a lot to me, since he takes the time out of his studying to write back).

I also worry...and this is stupid...but...what if he stops writing back?

Whatever. It doesn't matter.

Friday, May 4, 2012

5/4 forever...

The more I branch out, the more I find that there is some sort of holiday for almost everything imaginable. There's National Chocolate Day, National Princess Week, Pi Day, even a National Repeat Day (June 3. I'm looking forward to it). Some holidays are weird, some are lame, but they all give a reason for celebration. And, every once in awhile, you've just got to celebrate your inner awesomeness.

Aaaaand out comes the closet nerd. Hipster glasses and all. Which are really just 3-D glasses that I punched the lenses out of because, really? Who pays $20 for a pair of glasses with no lenses?

May the Fourth be with you. Alwayth.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

April top 10...

1. Lullaby -- Nickelback
2. City -- Sara Bareilles
3. If I Saved My Heart for You -- Carrie Underwood
4. Eyes Open -- Taylor Swift
5. Safe and Sound -- Taylor Swift
6. Dare You to Move -- Vocal Point cover, Switchfoot
7. I Will Rise -- Alex Boye with LDC cover, Chris Tomlin
8. Part of Me -- Katy Perry
9. Dancin' Away with my Heart -- Lady Antebellum
10. Glad You Came -- The Wanted