Friday, January 28, 2011

what do you dream about?

"To sleep: perchance to dream".
-Hamlet, William Shakespeare

It's funny what you don't notice until it's gone. For me, it's pretty much the ability to sleep well or to sleep at all. For those who would suggest some sort of herbal sleep supplement...I tried it. Made it worse. Frustrating life.

After averaging two hours of sleep for an entire week, I was sure that I would sleep like a rock (if they do indeed sleep) last night. Well...I got the chance to dream, but I wouldn't call it sleeping. Mostly because I got out of bed feeling worse than I had when I got into bed.

The reason? Dreams. Many of them. For me, dreams are in bright colors, with vivid, VIVID action, reasoning, and frequently a plot that keeps going and going. And the other part? In the dreams I am aware that I am dreaming, but I can't wake up. So no matter how terrible or fun it is, I won't wake up until my alarm goes off or the dream ends.

Last night was full of dreams. The basic ideas? I shall list them:
  • Burning buildings with myself and many people I knew and didn't know stuck inside
  • Losing all of my homework when my grandparents' house burned down
  • Walking through cemeteries putting coins on gravestones in order to release the angry or sad ghosts who were stuck on earth
  • Hitting a girl's car who I went to high school with (we are not friends in reality)
  • Debating about ice cream flavors while walking through a huge ice cream grocery store with three girls I went to school with: one was the girl who I am not friend's with whose car I hit during the above listed dream, another who I haven't seen since jr. high, and the last who is a dear friend that currently lives in Wyoming
  • A ghost woman leading me down a pitch black tunnel
  • A cursed necklace that I could not take off no matter how I tried, which pulled me by some invisible force into a cemetery that looked very much like the one in Logan during the fall (the necklace had two rectangular gold pendants with strange writing on them, and a diamond studded skull)

That was all in one night. These are just the small descriptions of the dreams; I could probably write some sort of short story from each one. I'm not particularly interested in doing that right now though. I like to avoid revisiting the scary stuff in detail.

So now my question is this: what do you dream about?

Sunday, January 23, 2011

shaking like a leaf...

The last time a young man confronted me on whether I was interested in him or not, it ended disastrously. Due to our mutual stupidity, we went from best friends to painful memories.

Tonight, a different young man has confronted me on the same issue. However, I am afraid to answer. So afraid, that I am shaking from head to foot and want to crawl up in a ball and hide forever.

He's the one who hurt me so badly during school. I hurt him, too. He's moved on and forgiven me and himself. We're friends again. I care about him--but do I trust him?

I want to say yes, I'm interested. But I don't even know what he feels, or where he stands. He just wants to know. If I say yes--I might get hurt. If I say no--he might get hurt. do I even know that I'm interested because I truly feel something for him, or if I'm interested for the sake of interest alone?

How do I know that I don't just want someone to hold me, and who cares who it is? How do I know that I really want it to be him who says he loves me?

Or if another person came up to me and said the same thing I'd willingly step into his arms, just because he said those three words?

I'm scared. I don't even know what my heart really wants.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

1 + 9 = 10

I don't like the number 19. I'll be stuck with it for a year, but heck, it's just a stepping stone. It'll be over before I know it, just like 2011. SO to make myself feel better about this teeny tiny thing that I'm making a big deal of because I can (*smirk*), I am saying that I'm not 19. I am ten years old, because...

1 + 9 = 10

It just makes me feel better.

Friday, January 14, 2011


Do you ever ask mind boggling questions? I do. Granted, something that blows my mind may make complete sense to you, and vice versa. But just for a minute, imagine this:

Imagine all of the people in the world. All of them-not groups of people, but each specific individual in every single place of the world. Imagine the sheperd boy, the village girl, the man stuck in traffic, the woman at the grocery store, the youth looking out the window in school. What are they thinking? What are they feeling? Every person has thoughts and emotions, dreams and fears.

Now imagine every single animal. Where they are, what they're doing, thinking, and feeling. Add in every insect. Now the plants. Imagine every rock, stick, leaf, bug, cat, dog, everything.

Imagine every action and system in the world. Imagine each cell. Each tiny, invisible cell and think about how it works. How it just does is job, and allows everything to function.

Imagine it all-even the things I haven't mentioned. There are a lot; I promise. Imagine it.

Do you feel small? I sure do.

Now, with that perspective, step back and ask yourself this question: Do I believe in God?

Saturday, January 8, 2011

every single second...

Have you ever wondered what is happening at a certain second in another place? Ever since I was very young, I have always been aware of the fact that at every second during every day, somewhere in the world, someone is being born. Someone is dying. Someone is jumping up and down with joy. Someone is caving in to sadness.

Something is happening every second. A snowflake is falling. A flower is opening. A sunbeam is dancing through a window. A star is shooting across the sky.

Somewhere, someone is typing, just like I am. Somewhere, someone is thinking about how much bigger the world is than he or she is, just like I am. Somewhere, someone is more similar to me than I will ever know. Somewhere, we are the same.

Every single second things are happening. Things are beginning. Things are ending. Things are continuing just as they always have, with no interruptions in the daily routine. And somewhere, lives are being turned upside down.

It's a simple concept, that of "every single second". At the same time, it is so very huge and mind boggling that I have a hard time wrapping my head around it. It's all the same time. A moment. A second. A minute. An hour. A day. A week. A month. A year. A decade. A century. A millenia. All time is the same for everyone. Similar, and different, experiences happening in the same second.

And we will never know who it is that we shared that time with.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

my happiness for today...

Paste this into your browser and prepare to laugh. Because it truly is so cute.