Sunday, November 27, 2011

sometimes I wonder...

I've learned a lot this weekend. I've learned that I
1) don't flirt,
2) don't understand adult humor,
3) don't understand most normal humor,
4) that if ever I am a distressed damsel, I usually have to take care of the problem by myself because I'm either afraid to ask for help or asking for help would be pointless, and
5) that I'm socially bashful and on many occasions very awkward.

How do I know this? Well, either someone told me or, after noticing patterns in my life, I came to the conclusions myself.

Last night I went to a play with my parents. It was supposed to be a comedy buuuuuuut I wasn't laughing. Why? Because I didn't get any of the jokes. My parents were both laughing their heads off, as were most of the people in the audience. Not me though. That was a weird start to the night, being the only one who didn't get the jokes. Heck, even the 12-year-old kid whose dad was in the show was laughing! Sometimes I wonder...

This particular group of friends has a tradition of going to IHOP after a show, whether they performed in it or not. The three families (mine, the Carrascos, and the Poulsens with Jaden who is their cousin) made a sort of caravan over to the nearest IHOP and we, as usual, took up three tables. I sat with the younger people, me being the oldest at nearly 20 and the youngest being 11 (who I met when she was 9 months old). On the other end sat the real grown-ups, or at least age wise. I'm not sure about the maturity

As I sat with the kids, one of them being one of my best friends (Jaden), I didn't understand half of what they were talking about! Their jokes and comments and such just went over my head. Or sometimes I got the gist of it, but I didn't want more than the gist because I could feel my cheeks burning (as Mitchell so kindly pointed out several times). To top it off, Mitchell started giving me advice about boys. And a lot of the advice sounded rather sound, too. For nearly twenty minutes I received relationship advice from a 12-year-old. A TWELVE year old! What is WRONG with me?! Sometimes I wonder...

So, I don't get adult jokes. So, I don't get teenage jokes, either. So, I'm the only one besides the 11-year-old who can't claim to have some sort of relationship, though I'm not sure if it counts for them or not. I lame is it to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend when all you can do is hang out at recess, and you have to ask your mom to drive you over to his or her house to hang out? You can't even go on a date because you don't have any money! So, why do these things bother me so much when none of them really matter? So what? Whatever the what is, it seems to mean a lot more to me than it should.

It was an awkward night for me. It's been an awkward weekend, to be honest. Not to mention this morning that I got super dizzy in the shower, thought I was going to throw up, and suddenly found myself on the ground wondering what the heck happened.

My sister Meghan has always (and I mean always) conveniently passed out while surrounded by strapping young men who carry her to a couch, bring her water, and do all sorts of heroic acts to make the distressed damsel comfortable. Me? I pass out in the shower. There is nothing dignified or romantic about that. Sometimes I wonder...

And, yes. Someone told me I don't flirt and that I'm socially bashful and often awkward. Gee...thanks for that. Now that I know what my problem is, I'm going to go read my book. Maybe I'll get lucky and find a Beast to fall in love with me...after all, he does have a beautiful rose garden in which I could amuse myself for hours on end. If I take care of his flowers well enough, do you think he'd overlook the bashful awkwardness? I'll take my chances.**

**I'm not bitter. I'm actually making myself laugh...seriously.**

Saturday, November 26, 2011

sister shoot...

Today I'm taking a bit of a risk: I'm posting a teaser of the Christmas gift my sisters and I are giving to our parents. I'm banking on what we'll call facts--I'm not 100% sure that it's fact but close enough! Mom never has time to blog surf, nor does she have the address to my blog. I've given it to her a couple of times, but I think she loses it. Dad doesn't read blogs. He hardly even gets on Facebook. Now watch, the one time I post something I don't want them to see they're going to look at it and the surprise will be ruined, lol. SO mother and father: if you are reading this STOP. Thanks much.

My family hasn't had pictures taken in years. I think the most recent studio photo of my sisters and me is almost ten years old. For Christmas this year, we wanted to give our parents new pictures. My sisters and I got in touch with our good friend Michelle, who is a wonderful photographer, and we went down to the Payson Park to shoot some magics. Here are some of my favorites:

Wednesday, November 23, 2011


No, I'm not watching Finding Nemo right now........haha. ACTUALLY. I am. With my family. Usually during the week of Thanksgiving we have a LOTR marathon, where we watch one extended version each night. However, we watched LOTR this summer when the series was re-released in theaters. This Thanksgiving we're having a Favorite Pixar Movie marathon. So far there hasn't been any fighting when it comes to which movies we're picking. Hopefully it will stay that way!

The bad thing about watching Finding Nemo is that it's making me cry. And that is lame. LAAAAAAAAAAAME.



Monday, November 21, 2011

crazy spiritual weekend...

LDC with Michael McLean after our first performance of The Forgotten Carols

I am developing a theory. This theory has to do with my personal limitations when it comes to spiritual experiences. I am beginning to believe that due to my spiritual maturity and understanding at this time in my life, I am only able to handle a small amount of spiritual-ness. After a certain point, I reach full capacity. "My cup runneth over" and I am literally unable to process any more. Then come tears that won't stop, the absolute exhaustion of body and mind, and the slight hungover feeling that reminds me of the times when I have accidentally taken too much cough syrup before bed.

This weekend has been incredible when it comes to feeling the Holy Ghost. From Friday morning clear through Sunday night, it's been almost non-stop, body and soul immersion. Much of the time it's been with the same people: Friday at the LDC rehearsal and the afternoon devotional, then with my family and Ann at my sisters' Children of Eden performance. Saturday was LDC's performances in The Forgotten Carols with Michael McLean, so all day was spent rehearsing, performing, and spending time the wonderful choir members. Sunday was LDC's Thanksgiving concert with two other local choirs. Each experience has been incredible...each one has also left me feeling overwhelmed, building on one another until I now feel totally out of it.

This weekend I've been reassured, corrected, comforted, promised, reminded, and blessed multiple times in the past three days. It's literally too much to take in; as Sister Terry says, it's like getting a drink of water from a fire hydrant. WHOOSH!

How is it that something like this can take so much out of you? Usually the Spirit helps us to feel ready to take on the world, and secure in the knowledge that the Lord loves us. I know he loves me, but right now I just feel rather overwhelmed. Almost waterlogged...

Personally I'm very grateful for the experiences of the past three days, even though there are probably some people who could not figure out what was wrong with me when I started crying and couldn't stop (at The Forgotten Carols after our second short I was a bit of an emotional wreck). I've learned and felt so much. Now to sort it all out and prioritize what I need to change in my life.

Thank you to my wonderful friends and family who were there for me this weekend. To my mom and dad for coming to my performances, bringing me a box of truffles, and buying me a souvenir 20th anniversary CD of The Forgotten Carols (though I'm not supposed to know about that)...thank you. To my sisters for sharing their talents with the community and for coming to the Sunday concert...thank you. To Ann, Brady, Brad, Claire, Amanda, Sean, Kayla, Skyler, Brianna...thank you. (((hugs)))

Friday, November 18, 2011

God is merciful...

Those of you who read yesterday's post know that I hated highly disliked the new Twilight movie. After a rather restless night I woke up feeling guilty and kind of gross...there were images and feelings that would not get out of my head. I felt like skipping out on the emergency choir rehearsal that was called for this morning because I just felt terrible and wanted to hole up. Then I remembered that I was one of the people who had raised my hand to agree to be to an extra rehearsal. The thought came to mind, What if every single person who agreed to go is thinking the same thing I am and not one of them goes? What if everyone acted as I will? What would a quality person do?

Well. Better late to a rehearsal than not showing up, correct? And seeing as I'd already knowingly made a mistake by going to a movie I was pretty sure I shouldn't see, it probably wouldn't be a good idea to make a second by not being where I'd said I would be.

The rehearsal was, for me, incredible. Being with such wonderful people and singing music that is centered on the Savior was a huge help to getting the images and memories out of my mind. When we went outside to the parking garage and sang one of our numbers (a Puritan hymn that's sung right in the mask of your face, or in your nose while still keeping the sound rounded instead of wide and nasal) I wanted to jump up and down because of the lightness I felt inside.

After that it just got better. Paul Cardall, a famous LDS pianist and speaker, spoke at the Institute devotional. Listening to the music he played and the words that he shared brought me such peace. Near the end of his presentation he played a medley of hymns, starting with "I Stand All Amazed". It then segued into "Come, Thou Fount". I couldn't hold back the tears as I listened to the music and read the scriptures about the Savior that scrolled across the projector above my head. I felt an overflow of peace and love. got better. My younger sisters have had the opportunity to perform in their high school's fall musical, Children of Eden. Dallyn Bayles, a famed Broadway performer (has played roles such as Jean Val Jean in Les Miserables and Raoul in The Phantom of the Opera) was featured as Father, or in other words God. He was, as always, fantastic. So were the others.

It wasn't merely the talent of the students and Dallyn that made the show wonderful--it was the Spirit that they brought to their performances. Each performance had a power behind it, one that conveyed the testimonies of each individual in the cast. As the students sang and spoke their parts, you KNEW truth. You FELT truth. For the second time that day I couldn't hold back tears, and this time it wasn't just two or three. It was just short of a cloudburst. The Spirit was so strong, and I felt what I can only call love.

Somehow I feel like I failed a test yesterday. I didn't stand up for my beliefs, for what I know to be true. I was afraid of opinions, of others' thoughts, of others' actions. I let my fear of what people can do get in the way of what I know to be true and right and good. I put my faith not in the Lord, but in what I can do by myself. And what I can do by myself is nothing compared to what I can do when I put the Lord first.

Today I have seen that the Lord is absolutely involved in my life, down to the very tiniest detail. He knows that I messed up. He knows that I am sorry for the mistake I made, for willingly putting myself into a situation that I shouldn't have been found in. He also knows that I want to do better, but I was struggling to remove the guilt and memories from my mind. I am so, so grateful that he cares enough to bring me the peace and calm I needed today. How wonderful it is that instead of getting angry at you for making a mistake he puts his arms around you and helps you to get yourself out again. That's why he's called the Savior. He doesn't condemn or destroy. That's not why he came. He came to help and heal and save. And he does. Every day.

"All praise to the name
of the Father of light,
one who listens and hears
when I call.
Every step He ordains
I shall walk without fear.
In His light I'll not stumble or fall.
In His light I'll not stumble or fall."

Thursday, November 17, 2011

okay that was the worst thing I've ever seen...

5 minutes until "Twilight: Breaking Dawn" is released to the general public of my state. I saw it at 7pm. It was for PartyLand's big pre-premier party that they do with a lot of popular movies that come out. Corporate gave me and the rest of the PartyLand employees free tickets to go and we were all "highly encouraged" to attend. Encouraged being more like guilted into it. So I went, and I got my cute little Twilight grab bag full of candy and coupons and a really fun pretend diamond ring that I couldn't stop playing with. And I watched the movie.

You know what? I hated it.

Seriously, I'm being generous if I give it a 3 out of 10. It was that bad. Sorry all of you Twilight fans out there...I honestly don't care if you liked it or not. If you did, great! You didn't waste your time and I'm happy you had an enjoyable evening. If you're like me, you're sitting there thinking why, when there was the potential for SO MANY other uplifting activities, did I sit through THAT?

The acting? Terrible. Stiff. Definitely ACTED, not portrayed. There is a difference. Yes, Taylor Lautner was decent. And as always, I love the actor who plays Charlie Swan. I don't know his name, but he's the only one I believe every time he's onscreen. Everyone else is just so stiff and dry and clearly repeating lines they memorized. Especially the wolves. And the Cullens. And the two leads., everyone. Terrible, terrible.

The music? Only part of the movie that actually held my interest, honestly. I was bored ten minutes into the movie, so I found myself focusing on the soundtrack and playing with the ring from my goodie bag. Also scoping out the nearest exit signs in case I decided to make a mad dash out of the theater to escape the disaster that was happening onscreen.

The content? Um...yikes. I was actually ashamed of myself for going to that movie. Article of Faith #13: "We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men...If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report, or praiseworthy, we seek after these things."

First off, what I actually watched didn't fit the bill. I probably missed half of the movie; I closed my eyes a lot of the time, mentally wondering why the heck I was sitting in that theater and wishing I had the courage to leave while at the same time rationalizing why it was okay for me to stay (no car [although a ride was offered], sitting on the opposite side of the theater from the exit so it would be super awkward [then seeing the one behind me about ten minutes later], worrying I'd trip over my friend sitting next to me [he's probably used to that by now]). It wasn't just the immoral content of the movie. Yes, I KNOW they were married, but honestly that argument is invalid. It was the other gruesome, disgusting, ugly content that has left me five hours later still feeling unsettled and awful.

Overall, it was terrible. I feel terrible. The only really good parts of the night were riding with my cute coworker to the theater in his big red Jeep, sitting next to said cute coworker, making jokes and laughing with the same cute coworker, and the ride to my house with my cute coworker after he offered to take me home.

We spend so much time laughing together that it actually amazes me, especially when I make him laugh really hard. He's a funny guy, always coming up with something witty or sarcastic or clever, so to make him laugh so hard that he almost wrecks the car is a big deal. I really like being friends with him! He's so fun to be with! Not to mention he is flawless in his performance as a gentleman. No awkwardness or hesitation there. He just goes for it and makes it happen. Makes a girl feel special, you know? So thanks, Tracy, for asking him to drive me instead of forcing me to do it myself. You're a gem. :)

PS Funny stories. I'm Coworker 2, he's Coworker 1.

"The Tale of the Ring"
Coworker 1: "Ooo! A diamond ring! Wait...what?! Cubic zirconium?! I feel ripped off!"
Coworker 2: "Cubic zirconium...I thought these rings were just made out of plastic."
Coworker 1: *shakes his head and smirks*
Coworker 2: " that what cubic zirconium is? Plastic?"
Coworker 1: "Yup."
Coworker 2: "Oh. I didn't know that. Well. I guess I learned something today. Thanks."
Coworker 1: *busts up laughing*

"Remember That One Time You Almost Wrecked Your Jeep?"
Coworker 1: "That was a terrible movie."
Coworker 2: "No kidding. I feel like I have a really bad taste in my mouth that I can't get rid of."
Coworker 1: *laughs so hard Coworker 2 is surprised*

PPS His Jeep is named Sheila. My Saturn is named Sheila. What the heck?

Wednesday, November 16, 2011


As you know, I'm pretty stupid when it comes to boys. I am almost 100% unable to hide the way I feel. This makes it very difficult for me to act "normally", and it often leads to me blushing like a tomato (as Coty put it yesterday), stuttering, and letting things slip without meaning to.

For example. I have a picture of Steve Rogers (Captain America) on my cell phone as my background. Yes, I'm a little bit obsessed, but at least it isn't Batman. Anyway. Several of the girls at work and I have decided that our only male coworker looks scarily like a thinner version of Steve Rogers. One of the girls (Chelsie, who is totally a Disney princess and is one of the funniest people I've ever met) didn't agree with us until she caught a glimpse of my phone tonight. She thought I'd put our coworker's picture on my phone! Nope. Just good old Steve. Who my coworker happens to look like.

After she decided that he does indeed look like Captain America, we showed him the picture. He did some sort of super hero/model pose and made us laugh our heads off (we do that a lot).

Later I regretted ever showing him because of my more than slight attraction to him. He was using my phone to try and help me figure out some security settings. While working with it, he casually commented that Captain America is quite the attractive man. Then, glancing slyly sideways at me he said "I wish I looked like him."

Words failed me and I blushed so badly that I got a headache.


I am grateful for friends who...

say hello when they see me coming towards them,
sincerely ask me if I'm doing alright,
provide advice that I might not want to hear even though I need to,
dry my tears,
appreciate that I really am trying my best,
convince me to hang out with them after choir,
wrap me up with them in their jackets when I'm freezing cold,
make me laugh and smile like a maniac with their crazy and silly antics,
nearly tickle me to death while eating lunch at Taco Bell,
share their nachos,
think it's cute and not crazy that I talk to puppies and kittens like I do people,
find my amateur knowledge of betta fish interesting and not nerdy,
smile when I buy special gems for Leonardo's tank,
giggle with me about Captain America,
attack one another with hugs and squeals instead of just saying hello,
scope out the current crush scene,
wait with me to make sure I have a ride,
give wonderful hugs,
encourage me in my goals and dreams,
talk about everything and nothing all at the same time,
apologize for their mistakes and forgive me for mine,
offer to help me get my dress altered for choir,
swap nerdy facts,
call me to share their good news and happiness,
continually inspire me to be better by watching the way they each live.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011


I am grateful for coworkers who make me laugh, encourage me in my work, thank me when I do something right, and gently correct me when I make a mistake. I am so glad to know that they care about me and that they are real friends, not just people who I run a store with.

I am grateful for friends who always see the positive side to life, and who remind me that I am worth something.

I am grateful for the space heater my parents gave me, the electric blanket that the Raddatz family gave me, and the various blankets that I've acquired over the years to put on my bed.

I am grateful for teachers who care more about getting the spirit of the message across than making sure that we students know how smart they are.

I am grateful for the many resources that give me access to the words of prophets, past and present. I am also grateful to whomever invented the highlighter.

I am grateful for music of all styles and genres. There is a song for everything--every emotion, experience, dream, every everything. Music is an expression of life.

I am grateful for all of the opportunities I have to learn, grow, experience, and become.

Monday, November 14, 2011

remembering to forget...

It's dark outside. Everyone at home is either asleep, doing homework, or otherwise too busy to talk. Same with everyone not at home. In both cases that's totally fine, because I honestly wouldn't know what to say if I were to begin a conversation about what's on my mind.

Blocked. Yep. I did it. Finally.

My thoughts and feelings seem somewhat disconnected. Everything is jumping around, touching on something here and flitting to something there. Right now I'm mostly cold...very cold. And inside I don't feel afraid or nervous. Just contemplative, somewhat curious, and relieved.

Sometimes taking the seemingly impossible step is the thing that brings you relief. I get the feeling that this isn't over yet, but it's getting closer.

almost funny...

I laughed way harder at this than I should have.

Sunday, November 13, 2011


Like a night with no moon, or
a spring with no rain.
Like a song with no sound, or
a man with no name.

Like a rose with no thorns, or
a lamp with no flame.
Like a kite with no tail, or
a flag with no wave.

Like a wish with no hope, or
a crime with no shame.
Like a heart with no beat, or
a break with no pain.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

sometime's perfect happens...

And when it's this kind of perfect, it puts all other perceptions of perfect to shame.

For fear of embarrassing this beautiful lady, I'll keep this short. She got engaged last night, and every time I think about it I start to cry. Not because I'm unhappy about it, but because I'm so happy about it that I can't stand it! Brianna and Matt are just their own kind of perfect. They are both such good, kind, honest, spiritual people. They've going to be a team now that will be incredibly strong. I'm so excited to see how their lives turn out! I bet they'll be an unstoppable force for good, because as separate individuals they are. Double that and you're talking about amazing potential!

As I talked with Brianna about this (and still am talking about it, she just doesn't know that I'd been working on this post for about 20 minutes before we go started), she said that this is a fairytale, being with Matt for eternity. And it is! Who better to author your fairytale than the Lord? This gospel is so true. It's so happy and hopeful. We are SO. LUCKY.

I love you, my beautiful friend! You are one of the best friends I have ever had in my life, and I am so excited for you to take this step in your fairytale. Thank you for your example to me in all parts of you life. You are wonderful!

There is perfection out there, people. Not the world's view of "perfect". But with God, all things are possible. With God, even a fairytale becomes a reality.

Thursday, November 10, 2011


Now that I've written out all of the fears and worries, I've been able to think more clearly. That helps sometimes, to talk or write out all of the things going on inside. Then they're trapped on paper so I can examine them. You can take a step back from the problem and pray about the things you wrote down, and answers come.

It took me awhile to get this answer. It was given to me yesterday, but I guess I was too afraid to take it at face-value. Who, though, needs to fear when the answer you've received is from the LORD? Of all people to believe and trust, who better than he?

As I've been pondering this problem, I remembered what happened yesterday. I have an Institute class on Mondays and Wednesdays every week; it's Dating and Courtship. Something my teacher, Sister Terry, said in class yesterday really stood out to me. We were talking about how we naturally filter out potential marriage companions. She compared a marital relationship to a team of oxen pulling weighted sleds. In order to pull well, the teams had to hit the yoke at the exact same time with equal amounts of force. If one or both oxen hit at different times or with unequal force, the teams would veer off to one side and the sleds wouldn't move at all.

Sister Terry told us that she talks to a lot of young women who have found themselves in relationships where the two people didn't pull together. Often times, the young women was pulling the young man along with her, and it was painful for the girl to put so much effort and receive so little in return. She said that for a woman, there can be several red flags that will save a lot of time and heartache: "If you find yourself thinking, 'I can help him', then it's probably not going to be a good relationship. Both people have to have the same values, to be 'equally yoked', to take on a problem at the same time with the same force and determination. Otherwise if you hit that yoke at different times with different degrees of force, it's going to hurt."

Sister Terry acknowledged that many girls want to help young men, and sometimes we really can make a difference. However, we are NOT to be their saviors. Referring to a man who is struggling, she said "He already has a savior. That person is not you."

What an incredible thought. I barely had time to think about the complete truth behind this and apply it to my own life before she hit me with her next statements about how it is absolutely unnecessary for a woman to risk her safety, happiness, and well-being to help a man who cannot or will not help himself.

Then, after flipping through memories in my mind fast enough to turn a 4G network connection into dial-up, she said this:

"The Lord will never sacrifice his daughters to save his sons."

Deep breath. Sincere prayer. Remember blessings. Apply lessons. Do this.

strung out...

This is a two part post.

Part 1: Today I went on a date. On Monday, Sean casually mentioned to Kevin that I would be free to double on Wednesday afternoon if Kevin were inclined to ask me. So Kevin did. May I say that this was one of the most fun dates I have ever been on?

It started out with the boys blindfolding the girls and leading them around one of the buildings and outside on campus. Since Kevin was my date, he blindfolded me and made sure I didn't fall down any stairs, crash into any walls, or otherwise do anything very embarrassing or painful. I'll admit that when I first saw the blindfold I was scared to death. There was a lot of trust necessary, and that's been kind of hard for me of late (or the past two years) when it comes to men. However, the second Kevin put his hands on my shoulders to guide me, I felt a feeling of total calm and reassurance come over me that I could trust him.

That reassurance was incredible. At once I felt safe and completely the opposite of awkward. I was able to be myself without feeling the need to apologize for everything I said or did! It was amazing!

Kevin is very fun and very creative. Our little adventure through the Institute building went something like this: through a cave (the basement) to the castle moat (outside in a stairwell), passed the dragon (the vents in the parking garage), through a dungeon (the elevator), through a forest thicket (fake trees), under a bridge (a door that he knocked on to make it sound like there was a board I needed to crawl under when there really wasn't), and over a waterfall (more stairs). After getting through all of these obstacles, we made it to our first clue. Let the search for treasure begin!

The other girl wasn't as familiar with the campus as I was, so figuring out and finding the clues fell to me. Kevin and Sean were no help (except when I surprised Kevin with my "brilliant observations" as he called them and he accidentally let something slip). I felt kind of bossy...Kevin didn't mind though. He kept laughing at me, especially when I got a little frustrated and girlishly stamped my foot when he refused to give me a hint.

The final clue led us to the treasure, which consisted of a small blue cooler placed near the fountain in the middle of the Student Center courtyard. Upon opening it, Megan and I found gold coins (some plastic and others chocolate), Lindorf truffles, and two cans of silly string. I asked Kevin which color he liked better, blue or orange, and he said blue. "Good. Can I spray you with it?" I asked him. "I don't know, can you?" he said, while pulling out two of his own spray cans and attacking me with them.

Good grief, that was so much fun! The whole date was a blast, but seeing him whip out those cans was hilarious! He was totally ready for it. I had to work hard to keep from getting totally covered in that stringy stuff. I haven't had that much fun in a long time! In short, it was one of the most epic dating experiences I've ever had. Honestly, I wouldn't mind going out with him again. Kevin is one awesome guy!

Part 2: Aries has been trying to get in touch with me for the past two weeks.
Every time I've kind of shut the door on him (gently). It was easy at first, but all of the sudden I want to talk to him SO. BAD. I just want to go back to him and say I'm sorry that I wasn't friends with him again right away and that I miss him and want it to be the way it used to be. I want to so badly that it literally hurts.

Then I had a thought that has been puzzling me. Why the heck do I want to go back to being friends (or even something more) with a guy who treated me terribly? I'm so frustrated with this, be it normal or otherwise. I don't understand why he keeps coming back, and why I was doing so great at just being distant and now bam: I want his friendship.

At the same time that I want to talk to him or see him, I don't understand how he can expect me to be "best friends" with him again after all he did. I don't know why he says he can't get over me. I don't know why I want him back after the things he did! It's stupid!

It really does hurt. Physically, mentally, emotionally. It's like breaking into pieces, fighting to breathe, smashing your fingers in a drawer. The worst part is that I would really like to burst into tears but I can't. That sounds weird and super girly, but it's the truth.

A friend I talked to about this last night asked me what I want. I don't know what I want. I say that I want to be able to tell him to leave me alone, or that someone could help me to do that. I say I want him out of my life because each time he comes back is more painful than it was before.

I don't know what the right thing to do is.

Right now I'm more afraid of myself. I'm afraid I'll get myself into trouble on a stupid whim because I might not be strong enough to resist this ridiculous pull.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011


I am grateful for a friend who, upon finding out that I hadn't been asked to the Institute dance on Friday, offered to take me even though dancing isn't really his thing.

I am grateful for coworkers who never cease to make me laugh, and not just at their jokes. They are teaching me to laugh at myself.

I am grateful for the loyal, kind, sincere women in my life who are and are becoming the best friends I have ever (and probably will ever) have.

I am grateful for the lessons I learn from the children I am privileged to associate with, and for the love that they give without question or hesitation.

I am grateful for a friend who let me call him on the phone just to have his company because I ended up not being able to talk at all through the tears.

I am grateful for missionary friends who take the time out of their busy, busy, busy lives to write me a letter.

I am grateful for a dad who rearranges his entire day's schedule to take me to a movie with him.

I am grateful for a teacher who knows that there are more important things than singing well; the most important thing is to live well.

I am grateful for a mom who has continually given up her schooling to take care of her family, but she never gave up enough to not go back (she'll earn her degree in a year and a half).

I am grateful for a little dog who wakes me up every morning at 8am by scratching on my bedroom door because she doesn't want to be alone after everyone else has left for work and school, then jumps up onto my bed and cuddles up next to me.

I am grateful for sisters who do their best to be their best in every situation or setting they are found in, be it work, school, rehearsal, church, home, or hanging out with their friends.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

There was a time when I didn't know what happiness was. Happiness: the variable in my life that continually remained undefined. Then all of the sudden life turned upside down. Instead of a daily struggle to even get out of bed, it turned into heaven with only the occasional bump in the road.

For days I've been hit by sadness, but I haven't known why. Everything is well and truly great in my life, so I've been trying to figure out what the heck is going on. Usually I'm so super happy that it's weird to me. Honestly, sometimes it freaks me out how good I feel. So this unhappiness...I don't know where it comes from. Possible factors: an overwhelming feeling of loneliness; a feeling of being back into a corner with no place left to go; being unable to keep up with a house that needs to be kept clean and organized; insincerity.

None of those things seemed like the most probable cause for this feeling of deep sadness. They contribute, yes, but it's easy to get over those. Those factors will hit for an hour or so and it's back to happiness and joy! Then all of the sudden there will be an out of nowhere crash into this sadness that is literally painful. It's the kind of pain in your chest that makes it hard to breath. Sometimes I find myself wrapping my arms around myself as tight as I can to stop the strange, shaky, weakness because it really does hurt. It's a feeling of vulnerability and fear and crumbling to nothing.

A friend of mine had an interesting thought. She said that maybe I'm sad because I'm so happy most of the time. Now before you think this is insane, let me explain: there has never been a time in my life when I was able to be happy or content with anything. No matter how hard I tried, happiness was always just out of reach. It was like trying to drink water with your hands. You got a taste, but before you could drink it all, the water trickled through your fingers to the ground, turning the dirt to mud. That taste wasn't enough to quench an incredible thirst, and each tiny taste was enough to drive you crazy.

I wonder if my friend is right. For so long I was getting sips of happiness without ever being rid of the thirst for true joy. Lately I seem to be immersed in happiness. Instead of being satisfied and content with all of the goodness, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle it, and I'm drowning.

Drowning isn't pleasant. Neither is being thirsty. Not sure how to balance the two yet...