Monday, April 30, 2012

keep it simple, stupid...

I've been wondering about so many different things lately. I feel like the more schooling I get and the more knowledge I'm (supposedly) gaining, the less I know about the world. It seems to me that my perspective should be widening, but in fact I feel as though my thinking is growing more limited. I'm less receptive to knew things. I push against the complex and the abstract. Having no right answers makes me uncomfortable and anxious about the subjects I study. I should have expected that. I mean, duh. I'm a Humanities major. There are no right answers -- but there are at the same time. If you happen to figure that one out, please share your insights, because I'm really struggling with it.

I mean, how do you define something that is undefinable? The things we discuss in class...these ideologies seek to be formulated and defined, yet they also want to be limitless and free to change. Defining what these things are, like literature and politics and even history, is becoming a grueling, mind boggling task. And, if you can't define something, does it even exist?

All of these questions are controversial because, like everything else, they have no right or wrong answer. I guess I just feel tired and confused and frustrated by how much I don't know, and by how complicated things are made to be. To me, truth shouldn't be complicated. A truthful claim isn't enhanced by complications -- sometimes I feel as though I'm mentally wading through hot tar that is cooling so rapidly that it leaves my mind feeling scorched and stuck in the text or discussion wondering why does anyone care? and is this even important? I don't know what to do with any of it! Learning is no longer freeing, but a chore that must be done, like washing dishes. I hate washing dishes, but if I don't, there are consequences. The gravity of the consequences for dirty dishes have less of an impact on my future than those of not finishing college, I know that. However, both of those things are hard for me to do.

The necessity of education in the world today weighs on my mind too, but the heaviest element is the sheer difficulty and complexity of learning...complexity doesn't help me learn, and it certainly doesn't help me decide how I should use the information I'm trying to understand. If things were simplified, it'd be helpful. I'm not saying water things down or disregard ideas and concepts that pose a challenge for students, but the volume of material that isn't easily comprehensible could be limited a little. Or maybe I'm stupid and don't get stuff like others do.

Simplicity is a beautiful thing. I wonder if simplicity in academics and study is overlooked or under appreciated because simple is just that: simple. I wonder if education and the acquisition of knowledge are seen by society, scholars, teachers, students, whoever it may be, as needing to be complicated and difficult because otherwise the learning didn't mean anything -- it wasn't "worth it" in some way, because it wasn't hard enough.

There are so many questions that I have. There are so few answers that I can find. Either I don't have time to seek out answers (after all, I do have 55 more pages of reading to do tonight -- 64 for tomorrow -- and I've already read 79 tonight) or I can't find ones that are satisfactory because -- wait for it -- there are no definite answers. I should probably just accept that. There is safety in conformity, after all. Conformity is simple. But...I don't know if I want to argue for that much simplicity...

Sunday, April 29, 2012


...thinking...'s so much easier for me to talk about the things going on in my mind and heart with a guy friend than with a girl friend. I don't get it...neither does my friend Alex, whom I discussed this with today. He feels the same way -- there must be a reason why we're such good friends!
...theory of English is harder for me to wrap my head around than statistics was. Dislike.
...that strange feeling when you realize that someone loves you, really loves you, and they're not just saying it to make you feel good.
...the more I think about it, the more I recognize that the LDS church is strange. If you haven't grown up with it, it'd be hard to accept. Thank goodness for the Holy Spirit which testifies to me and others of the truth of the gospel.


...the internship started on Friday morning. It's going to be a lot of work, but it'll be worth it in the end. Penny seems like she's really nice and a good teacher. I'm excited for this opportunity!
...Brianna's bachelorette party was on Thursday night and it was fun! La Jolla Groves has made the list of places to eat. part of the week was Brianna's wedding on Saturday. Great day. She looked so beautiful, and so happy. I'm so proud of her for the choices she has made and I'm so happy for her and Matt. More to come later.
...balancing two part time jobs, full time school, and the internship is going to be very interesting. I apologize in advance if I'm absent for the next few weeks.
...I keep trying to clean my room...trying being the key word. mentioned before, I spent the afternoon with my friend Alex. Love that man. He is awesome. I'm so lucky that he's my friend. Especially when he makes me smile by sneaking me an extra peanut butter bar because he knows I love them, or when he looks at me and says, "Whoa...your eyes are gorgeous and you look super attractive right now," or when he listens without judging me for the thoughts and feelings I have. He's just great.


...holding a sleeping baby is one of the most relaxing things in the world. I haven't felt that relaxed, peaceful, and hopeful in a long time. has such an amazing impact. do you tell someone they've hurt you and ask to fix a problem without hurting them in return?'s starting to run my life again.

PS If you haven't seen The Prince of Egypt, I highly recommend it.

Friday, April 27, 2012

have you ever...

...have you ever wanted someone to get mad at you? wanted someone to yell and scream at you until you started sobbing because maybe, just maybe, you'd have a reason to feel the way that you do?
...have you ever had a strange and ridiculous urge to be and do things you'd never be or do? like tell the person being rude that he is being a total jerk, or shout at someone to shut up, or be an absolute brat to someone who hurt your feelings so that they'd know how it feels? like go out and get drunk, or max out a credit card, or drop out of school for good, or get in trouble with the law?
...have you ever put down whatever you were holding out of fear that you might snap and throw it across the room?
...have you ever bit your tongue so hard to keep from speaking your mind that you actually hurt yourself?
...have you ever regretted something so much that the memory of it sends you spiraling into self disgust? so much regret that you want to stay away from all people?
...have you ever made a mistake but were too proud to admit it? made a mistake that really wasn't a big deal but it eats at you and makes your heart hurt?
...have you ever ached for someone, anyone, to hold you and just let you cry? to see past the "I'm fine" and the "everything's great!" and allow you to be honest for a little while?
...have you ever had someone see past the "I'm fine" and it scares you to death? makes you feel absolutely vulnerable and self-centered because your front slipped, the focus landed on you, and not on the other person?
...have you ever had conflicting, contradicting desires?
...have you ever felt so weighed down and so alone that you can barely face getting out of bed in the morning?
...have you ever been hit in the face with your smallness and insignificance?
...have you ever fought for something with all of your might, mind, and strength and lost it anyway? fought a quiet fight in your mind or your heart and are criticized because there is no obvious growth or change?
...have you ever realized how proud, selfish, ungrateful, and unkind you actually are? realized that so much of you is a mask put in place every morning to cover up what you're really like on the inside?
...have you ever tried letting go but worry that in the letting go, you'll lose a part of who you are?
...have you ever wished? prayed? hoped?
...have you ever kept a secret out of fear of a person's reaction to the knowledge or feeling you're holding back?
...have you ever needed to talk about something but kept it back because you were afraid of burdening someone with what you need to say?
...have you ever debated between going on and giving up?

Thursday, April 26, 2012

i can't swim well...

But I would wear this! Essential Swimwear is having a giveaway for this swim suit.

I love the color of it, and how romantic it is. I definitely wouldn't feel so shy about going to the pool if I could cover up in one of these!

Let's just say my fingers are crossed.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

start of something new...

After 8 days off, school is back in session. Compared to last semester, there is almost no one on campus. It's a little bit weird...oh, and most of the enrolled students that I've seen are men. My classes have a guy-girl ratio that's insane. Like my first class today: 15 people, 4 girls, 9 guys. I haven't had a class that small since AP US History my junior year of high school. I don't remember what the ratio was for that class, though. I think there were 5 boys...I only remember 3 of them for sure because they were annoying. Always jabbering about something, or starting gender wars based on ability to wrestle or chop wood or something.

High school. So glad that's over.

My English Theory (yikes) class is going to be professor is funny and seems pretty chill, but he's all about class participation. This will definitely push me out of my comfort zone. I hardly ever make comments in class because I'm of the opinion that most of the things I say cause people to question my acceptance into the university. But whatever. I'm here, and so are they, and "we're AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLL in THIIIIISSS toGEEEEEther," and yes I did just bust out a mid-sentence High School Musical. Which I've never actually seen, by the way.

British Literature 1 is going to be an adventure as well. I knew it the second the professor walked into the room: white and blue checkered button up shirt, lime green tie with light green polka dots, forest green dress pants with a brown belt and gold buckle, gray high top Converse, and when he put his foot on the chair his pants pulled up to reveal red and white striped socks. Add to it the small, pince-nez like glasses and presto! Doctor Hilariously Interesting has arrived.

The people in my class don't know what to do with me. They think I'm weird. I don't know what to do with the people in my class. If they think I'm weird, I think they're all crazy. Seriously...English majors are weird. Not in a bad way, just in a way I've never experienced before. This is a whole new sort of person for me to get used to...they don't get my humor at all, they've never seen any of the movies I quoted. Except for Lord of the Rings, which I mentioned as a joke when the teacher read us "The Finnesburg Fragment," but that turned into a whole class discussion on how Tolkien used his study of the English language to create a world similar to that of the Celts, Saxons, Angles, Jutes. I wasn't being serious. Turns out I hit the nail on the theoretical English head! It's going to be a fun class.

Then there's the internship. I'm thanking my lucky stars that the class has been scheduled for Mondays. It'll totally free up time for me to get hours at work. This internship will be work, too -- much like a part-time job, but I pay to do the work. 10 hours a week, 2 of which are class meetings and 8 of which are learning how to do the actual tutorials in the writing lab. Yay for grants to pay tuition for the credit hours.

PartyLand is still keeping me busy, too. I seriously like that job. Granted, I don't like helping with rentals because there are so many little things that have to be written down and taken care of, and rentals are a huge part of spring/summer business, but other than that it's great. Tracy just hired three new girls, so everything will run super smooth now. PartyLand...completely the opposite of enrollment on campus. While BYU has a prominent amount of testosterone, PartyLand is lacking in everything male. It'll be weird with no guys. Although...maybe we need to recover from Parker...ha, just kidding!

Any dang way, I'm looking forward to being busy. In all seriousness, I'd rather be busy than bored. As long as I can keep my head above water for the next 7-ish weeks, it'll all be just dandy. Bring on the madness! Even though I'm feeling tired just looking at my syllabi. So. Much. Reading.

And honestly, English theory is ridiculous. I'd rather take another stats class. But that's a post for another day when I'm really frustrated instead of just extremely mildly irritated.

PS I got an A- in stats, I'm reasonably sure that I got an A in Religion and an A in Choir, and I have no idea about English or Humanities. Stats grade = I'm buying myself Cafe Rio. Anyone want to go with me?

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

santa jorge...

Okay, so I actually don't know how to say Saint George in Spanish (I Googled it and got three different ways to say it -- I don't know which one is right) but Santa Jorge is just so much fun to say!

Anyway. Last Thursday through Saturday I went to Saint George with Ann and Brianna. It was sunny and warm (dare I say hot) and beautiful. We found the Walmart, went swimming every night in the waterfall pool, made our own lazy river by running in circles around and around the circular hot tub (hence the circles we ran in), shot the heck out of each other with water guns, drove past the temple a couple of times, went mini golfing, played Deal or No Deal in the arcade, discovered that you can buy ice cream at the Dollar Tree, pretended to be Iron Man (or at least I did) while driving go-carts, made lasagna (frozen...haha) in our hotel room OVEN, took jumping pictures on the hill above the city, made paper cranes at the dinosaur museum, and did whatever we wanted whenever we wanted (except for when we ate breakfast -- you had to do that before 10am).

Here are some photos of the adventure:

Brianna with the lambs at the petting zoo near Scipio (how many prepositions can you use in one sentence, eh). They even had a zebra! It was a little guy.

Brianna's "hole in awesome!" Or in one, if you prefer.

Jumping downhill = a feeling very similar to when you tip your chair back too far and think you're going to die.

Driving the go-carts...just made it!

Monday, April 23, 2012

door mat...

Some of you may know my middle name and think it fits rather well. Others know what I say it is and disagree with it. And others have no clue what it is.

Well. I will tell you.

Hi, my name is Georgie, and though the initial in the middle of my name is "K" my real middle name is Door Mat.

Don't believe me? You should believe me, because it is very much true. Try as I might to change that middle name, it takes time and money and knowledge, none of which I have at the moment (or in any upcoming moments, it looks like).

A lot of people walk all over me. Granted, not everyone does, but enough that it hurts and gets old. It doesn't always start out that way -- a lot of friendships have started out with mutual give and take. Then I start to notice that I'm the one doing most of (in some cases all of) the giving and getting little back. The more I notice it, the more afraid I get, and the more I begin to pull away. I give less because I get scared of being hurt more -- I put on a face of indifference when in reality it hurts, but I don't know what to do or say to fix it. Maybe it's because I expect too much of others. Maybe it's because I'm "loyal to a fault" and any little deviation from what I consider loyalty is painful for me, but it doesn't even cross the other person's mind as an issue. I don't know how to talk about it, though. Conflict, potential conflict, whatever of any kind is literally the stuff of nightmares for me. I hate it.

It's not fun being a door mat. It's not fun trying to stick up for yourself, either. When you do try, people are so used to you just laying down and saying "Here, step on me, and don't forget to wipe your feet on my face -- the carpet is more important, and the shine of soles of your shoes is just absolutely imperative" that they don't take a "No" or an "I don't want to" or an "I have an idea" seriously. Sometimes I wonder if people don't think a door mat person can even come up with anything close to the definition of an idea -- door mats can't think. They're simply there to be walked over and to scrape the mud off of the bottom of your shoes.

I wish I weren't so afraid to say what I want. I wish I weren't so scared of offending someone or coming across as bossy and controlling. I don't want to be bossy and controlling. Neither do I want to be ignored or have what I want pushed aside -- or have people think that I really don't want anything. I'm the girl who just does what others want -- I watch movies I don't feel comfortable watching, I do activities I don't want to do, I eat food I don't like, I do things that make me extremely anxious or that bore me, I say things that I really don't believe, I don't say anything if it disagrees with a friend's opinion or belief -- I just do what I'm told. Any little fight I put up generally gets ignored anyway, so I give up pretty easily.

Finding a balance between outright rude or bossy and being a door mat is so hard for me. I hate anything remotely close to conflict. Unfortunately, that makes me very good at the cold shoulder. I'm so afraid of a fight or an argument that I just shut down, pull back, and avoid people that I feel anxious about. That's no good, either. It's just as hurtful, if not more so, than simply piping up and saying, "Um, excuse me, but would you please take into consideration my feelings, rather than only thinking about what you want? Yeah, thanks. I'd appreciate it."

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

do you want MLA with that?

I got a phone call this morning. It was a really important phone call. It was a really, really important phone call.

Guess what?

You are getting this message from the desk of the newest BYU Writing Center intern (!!!).

I am beyond excited.

So excited that if I had money I'd go out and buy myself a pair of red high heels to celebrate.

St. George tomorrow morning, my friends. This girl is ready to party!

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

school's out...

Finals are over for me this semester. I don't like handwritten finals as much as I like Scantron exams. With Scantrons, you get your results right away. With handwritten, you have to wait for days or weeks to get your score back. It's particularly frustrating when you're pretty sure that you didn't do very well. I just want to see the grade and get on with my life, rather than sitting here biting my nails and cursing the fact that I missed a very important point that would have strengthened my argument quite nicely.

Well. At least it's done with now. No more Interdisciplanary Humanities 261 ever again. Unless I, you know, fail the class. C's get degrees!!!

I can't believe I just wrote that. I never want to get a C. EVER. The end.

One week from tomorrow I start Spring semester. Tuition is paid for, books are ordered, and I have almost no spring/summer clothes to wear. No, really. I was looking through my closet to find things I can start boxing up for the season, and I realized that more than half of my wardrobe falls in these categories:
  • sweaters
  • turtle necks
  • cardigans
  • coats
  • sweat shirts/pants

Not sure what I'm going to wear this spring...maybe it will stay chilly so I won't have to worry about melting in the sunshine. So far I've stayed cold most of the time. If you ever need to find me on campus, look for the girl wearing jeans and a black peacoat in the middle of a crowd of capris, cap sleeved blouses, knee length plaid shorts, and American Eagle tees.

Speaking of clothes. Have you ever worn an outfit that when you looked at it in the mirror, you thought it was super cute and fun and were excited to wear it? Then when you go out into the world, you start to notice people looking at you funny -- like double takes and stuff. And not in the "oh, look, I like her [insert item here]" sort of way but in the "oh wow" with a raised eyebrow sort of way.

Maybe I was imagining it.

Or maybe it was the white tights?

Sunday, April 15, 2012

woman of light...

Lately I've been trying to get in touch with the incredible people in the blogosphere. I've kept writing on my own, but I haven't read many of the blogs I used to when I was in high school.

As I was reconnecting, I noticed a remembrance button for a name I recognized. After doing a little digging, I received an email from one of the other women whose blog I love, informing me that my friend Char had passed away in June of last year.

I had no idea -- I didn't know Char in person, but I knew her through her words and her photographs. It's actually been really, really hard to wrap my head around. I read her stories all through my years in high school. Her photos, her words, her recipes, her advice, her music -- she was an absolutely beautiful, inspiring, and genuine friend. All of the things she wrote about meant so much to me when I was in my junior and senior year. I read her blog every time she posted, until I left the blog world settle into the new world of "grown up" that I had been tossed into.

Char stopped in to visit here every once in awhile. She commented on pictures from the dances I went to, saying that I looked lovely. That was a time when I was feeling like a rather ugly duckling; she didn't think so.

She gave me advice on how to see the world as a beautiful place.

She was real, you know. She was beautiful and smart and kind and funny. She helped me be stronger and better. She truly was, and is, a wonderful, exceptional, beautiful woman of light who touched my life.

I miss you, my friend. Until we meet in heaven -- I hope it's full of light and warmth and beauty. But of course it is, because guess what? You're an angel there now.

weekend thoughts and observations...

...sometimes my thoughts are deep. other times, they're more like this... of my dear, dear friends has just transferred to BYU. Welcome to Cougar Town, Brady!! I'm so, so excited to go to school with you again!! Granted he'll be in the Business building ALL the time because he's smart and cool like that, but still. It'll be good to know I have another friend on campus.
...every time I sneeze (and they're not big sneezes), the vertebrae in my back pop into alignment
...same thing happens when I lift something that weighs more than ten pounds. It isn't heavy, but my back pops anyway.
...I'm thinking about taking a second stats class just to have Patti as a professor again -- she's fantastic -- and I actually find stats really fascinating
...I have $7 in my bank account...I'm super glad that my grant came through for Spring/Summer it possible to OD on Ibuprofen? Hope not...
...weird things make me Penelope -- I cried TWICE during that movie -- double u tee heck?
...Iceburg shakes = one of the best things that has ever happened to me
...I'm actually really looking forward to school starting in two weeks...huh?
...I only sing at home when I'm by myself -- the second I hear the door, it was as though I was never belting "Someone Like You" (Jekyll and Hyde) while dancing through the house with a duster and a laundry basket (or, you know, just sitting in my room on my bed staring at walls thinking about what I should be doing) bed has become one of my very best friends in the whole world
...I'll bet you $7 that my Visiting Teachers are cooler/kinder/sweeter/funnier/more helpful/make better cookies than yours do
...remember that Kid History video where the guy proclaims to the world that he hates hot dogs (at 1:53)? Well, I. HATE. ONIONS. is SO POWERFUL. I was asked to sing in church, first soloing on the first verse, a duet with Amanda on the second, and then with the choir on the third and fourth verses. It was the hymn version of "I Know That My Redeemer Lives." From the first phrase, people were crying. The Spirit was so very strong. Gotta love it.
...if I could eat pizza bites, brownie shakes, carrots, peach or strawberry yogurt, and Reese's every day without getting fat/sick, I would
...spending most of two days in bed is boring
...less than two weeks until my sista-friend Brianna gets married!!!!!!!!

Saturday, April 14, 2012

baby, you've got this...

It's been an interesting Friday-Saturday transition. Yesterday and last night were a bit stressful, but super great. Good friends, good food, good amount of productivity, and good results from said productivity.

Around 3:30 am I woke up with the most awful, awful pain inside that I have ever felt in my life. I haven't cried because of pain for a long time. It was scary to feel so absolutely helpless; I couldn't walk, could barely move! Nothing's wrong according to the medical definition of wrong though, so don't worry.

This morning the pain had mostly faded to a constant, dull throbbing, like when you pull a muscle in your shoulder or neck. It's not too bad, so long as you don't move too fast. So I got up, skipped breakfast because looking at mom's toast made me feel nauseous, grabbed two sharpened pencils, three pieces of paper, my ID card, and prayed that I'd make it through the Stats final without passing out/throwing up.

It sounds dramatic. It kind of was. Meh.

At 11:15 am, the most dreaded exam of my life began. The hall itself was terrifying: that room could probably fit close to (or more than) 600 people. Now I know why people dread having American Heritage in JSB 140 -- you almost get swallowed up in the hugeness of it. Fewer people attended my high school football games!

Luckily it was quieter than a high school football game, and I was happy to find a seat on the end of a row. Immediately I tried to figure out a strategy to not drop all of my stuff (exam packet, bubble sheet, scratch paper, calculator, and pencils) because there truly was no place to put it. The auditorium desks are about two inches longer than an 8.5 x 11 inch piece of paper and maybe an inch wider. Not the best desk to take any sort of exam on. Strategy finalized (haha), I sat down to take the odious Departmental Statistics final.

But I didn't dread it so much after I finished the first page and realized there was no way I could have missed any of those questions. Despite the awkward, abyss-like feeling of the auditorium, the constant whispering shuffle of hundreds of exam papers, the cramped confines of my paper size desk, the dull pain in my body, and the ache in my head from a sleepless night, I knew that stuff. At 12:30 pm I walked out of the auditorium, trying to be afraid of my score, but I just knew I'd done better than what I was hoping for (a C). And guess what?

I ACED that sucker.

90%, my friends. Nine-zero, a straight up A- on the exam I have heard nothing but horror stories about. I could barely (still can barely) fathom the fact that I didn't fail that final. When I saw my ID number next to the 90%, I actually started laughing. The girl who'd scanned in my test smiled and said, "It's a good feeling, isn't it?"

It is indeed a good feeling. So is going home and sleeping from 1 pm to 5 pm without waking up once.

2 finals down, 2 to go. After that, three days in St. George with two of my favorite girls in the world. Bring on English and Humanities!

PS Prayer WORKS, people. If you've done all you can do, and worked as hard as you can despite your limitations, the Lord WILL help you. Give him a shot. He'll give you a miracle.

a list of smiles...

...smiling feels good...

...visited LDC yesterday, got lots of hugs, found out I've become a much better sight reader because of the BYU choir I was in, felt the Spirit like I haven't in months
...coloring books, Cadbury eggs, and Ann
...ACED my religion final
...found my paycheck after tearing my room apart over the course of two days looking for it -- it was inside the envelope containing Jordan's latest letter. Good thing I wanted to read it again!
...finished ALL of my laundry today
...English professor recommended me to the Writing Center as a potential candidate for the writing internship my application in on time on Wednesday and guess what?
...interview with the BYU Writing Center department head on Tuesday for a spot in the TA intern program
...YAY!! *fingers crossed*
...studied my brains out for Stats tomorrow...I think I'm only smiling about that because I'm sort of in a standard deviation-margin of error-Normal distribution- x bar plus/minus 3 times sigma times whatever daze... skating with Emilyann and Blaine on fresh, smooth, slippery slide ice and NOT falling at all
...first adventure to Iceburg -- I've had shakes from there before, but I've never actually been inside. Well worth it. I've missed out for far too long!
...text message from Brady that absolutely made my day/night/life
...chilling with Parker for several hours last night while he packed for Idaho and getting a great big hug calls with dad, mom, and Meghan at different times during the day
...going to bed before 1 a.m. tonight!'s happy here tonight...

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

why am I not like that?

It's very hard for me to let things go. It's hard for me to stop thinking, and to focus on one thing at a time. It's hard not to immediately react with fear, not to give up before I get started, to see anything between 85 and 94 percent as a good thing, to believe myself as anything other than potential failure.

It's hard to accept a compliment. Saying thank you is easy, but really accepting it is so, so hard. Like this one, "There isn't anything you can't do! Seriously, if I've ever met anyone who could do anything she wanted to do, anyone who could never fail, it's you." I almost burst into tears. The girl who said it meant it. And what if she were to find out what I'm really like--what would she say then?

It's hard for me to get started on something I'm afraid to do. I have a sort of psychological block that makes it difficult to begin something I'm scared I'll fail. I mean, why try if you're going to fail, right? Wasted time, wasted effort, wasted memory on the laptop disk, wasted paper, wasted ink. Yeah, yeah, it isn't a waste if you learned something. I'm just describing the block, and how I think, and what I'm trying to get over. But it's hard. Like these papers that are due tomorrow. Yes, four papers, due tomorrow. 3 are done now. Or done enough (I don't have a clue what my professor wants, the evaluation he gave me completely contradicts the parameters of the assignment outlined in the syllabus). I really like one of the papers, I like another, and the third I halfway like. I'll fix it tomorrow. As for the fourth, I just have no ideas. That will also get done tomorrow.

It's hard for me to see the good things in life, even when I try. So many people I know are struggling with things, but they're smiling and happy and making other people smile. They're not focused on the hard things, they're focused on the good and happy things. I try, I really do. Sometimes it makes everything worse. It doesn't make sense, I know. That's why I keep trying.

There are so many good ways to be, and good things to be, and good ways to do, and good things to do. How do you apply them to your own life? How do you become who you're going to become when you don't know what you want to become? How do you become anything when you don't even like who you are?


Sunday, April 8, 2012


1. Finals
2. Finals...I cannot afford to fail my finals...finals
3. Stupid Religion project which I am going to fail because there is no way this seed is going to grow. It's the 7th one I've tried to get to grow over the course of the semester. I've done everything my professor told us to do. Still nothing. It's due on Wednesday. Nothing. Failing grade.
4. Bedroom = disaster
5. Money. Where does it all go?
6. Finals
7. Can't sleep. Almost ever. When I do sleep, it's just nightmares and tossing and turning, never resting.
8. Mom
9. Mom
10. Mom
11. Finals
12. How lonely I feel, and how guilty I feel that I haven't been able to keep in touch with others or help them as much as I wish I could
13. Ate too much...keep eating too much...checked the scale and saw weight gain...bad words in my head
14. Are you still mad at me? I wish you'd tell me, because I'm too afraid to ask you.
15. Dad's going out of town this week again, it's spring break for my sister, choir tour for my other sister, finals for me and mom...ugh. It's going to be a long week.
16. My family (mom's side of the family minus mom because she was sick and stayed home) spent a quarter of an hour after dinner tonight discussing how great I am and how well I represent the family. How good a student I am and how I'll be the first grandchild to graduate from college, how I'll be the first grandchild to go on a mission, how they guess I'll be the first to find a worthy young man to marry, how I set and will continue to set a good example for the rest of the cousins, how I'm good and kind and hard working and intelligent and so much more, so much that I wanted to stand up and scream STOP IT PLEASE. How am I supposed to live up to all of that? What happens if I don't do well, if I do make a mistake, if I fail somewhere? What will they all say? What will they think of me?
17. I have no idea how I got this limp in my left leg, but I did, and it hurts, and I don't know why. Maybe it has something to do with the knots in my shoulders...I need knew pillows. Money...bug.
18. Wow, I'm a brat. Look at how good I've got it and all I see are the bad things. Stupid girl! Grow up.

Saturday, April 7, 2012


I made callbacks for the show. I did not get cast. I'm trying not to be upset about it anymore. Being honest, though, it's really hard to accept that the directors considered me "head and shoulders" above everyone else in all but one area. My mom is on the production team for one of the shows that I tried out for, so she told me what happened. It got down to me and one other girl for a role, and even though I was proficient in every single area but the one she was good at, they cast her. Why? She's a theater major. I'm an American Studies major. Should have seen that one coming.

I'll get over it. I probably won't be trying out for anything at the Y ever again though. What's the point if they're going to pick a theater major for all of the plays, dance majors for all of the dance teams, and music majors for all of the choirs? It's hard to be told that you're fantastic, and a "first choice," then be shunted aside for someone who is in the department.

Understandable, really. But it doesn't feel very good.

The other most memorable, less disappointing thing of the weekend: guess who got a letter today? This girl did. My dad actually drove over to my work and gave me the letter because he knew how excited it would make me. I have the greatest dad ever. And he was right. I just about threw the box I was holding into the air, I was so out of my mind happy.

Elder Raddatz is doing well. He said that General Conference was awesome (which made me feel slightly guilty because I didn't catch any of it), and that he and his companion have gotten in contact with two new people who are very interested in our church. It's really great!

Jordan is doing so awesome out there! Every time I talk to his mom she has stories about how well things are going in Jordan's area. He's a busy guy! It's nice that he took the time to write to me. And I love that he still addresses all of the letters with the nickname his little sister came up with for me. Makes the letters even more special, you know?

Wow, I miss him. I need to start working on his birthday present. Any ideas for me?

PS "Once Upon a Time" is just annoying. I caught up on the episodes I've missed and the show just bugs me. So why do I watch it? I honestly do not know. Meh.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012


I auditioned for a play today.

It was alright. They had groups of us auditionees go into the studio four at a time. After asking us why we wanted to be a part of the production, they had us get into partnerships. And then they dropped the bomb: "improv a fairy tale for us."

I SUCK at improv.

Seriously. I am so bad at it. Not to mention I got totally confused because the detailed instructions were to act out a fairy tale...but the two girls before my partnership and the girl I was with decided to do storytelling. So instead of creating a scene or having a plot, they told the entire story starting with "Once upon a time" and so forth.

I found out later that one of the directors we were auditioning for is the storytelling professor in the theater department. A lot of her students were trying out, so they were doing what she'd taught them. Soooo yeah.

Anyway. So the my partner and I get up to do our improv section. She got into the storyteller groove, and I stood there feeling like an idiot. Then it came time for me to say something, so I went for it and...

they laughed at me.

Not just a polite titter or a chuckle, but a throw-your-head-back, bust-a-gut roar. I was so thoroughly thrown off by it that I looked at them like a deer in the headlights, then realized this was an audition so I just had to go with it. So I kept going and...
they laughed even harder.

Every time I opened my mouth they started laughing their heads off. So while I was up there making a fool of myself I replayed what I had done and said in my early improv attempts and started laughing too because gosh dang it...I was funny.

It was fun. I don't know if anything will come of it, but it was entertaining. It still is entertaining to think back and picture my 5 foot 2 inch self trying to tower over a girl three inches taller than me, ordering her to come to dinner and go on a date with me because "I'm the Beast!"


You would have had to be there to appreciate it




Tuesday, April 3, 2012

a little help...

A common expression I hear and use is "If you ever need any help with anything, please let me know!"

Well. The stuff I need help with is a little difficult when it comes to asking. I mean, who is going to drop what they're doing and help me clean my bedroom? Not because it's a huge job (*cough*) or because I can't do it by myself -- I don't really need someone to help me clean. It's more like I don't want to be by myself.

Same with homework. Nobody has time to come do homework with me. Besides, that's boring for the other person!

Late night phone calls, too. Or just phone calls in general...or face to face conversations. Either I'm too busy or too afraid to talk, or the other person is busy and I'll bother her/him. And so I don't call anybody. Besides...there isn't much to say.

Two weeks and one day until my semester and finals are over. Then off to St. George for a couple of days. Can. Not. Wait.

Monday, April 2, 2012

March top 10...

1. Rumor Has It -- Adele
2. Safe and Sound -- Taylor Swift
3. Little Wonders -- Rob Thomas
4. Part of Me -- Katy Perry
5. Runaway -- Mat Kearney
6. City -- Sara Bareilles
7. Stronger -- Kelly Clarkson
8. Unapologize -- Carrie Underwood
9. Turning Tables -- Adele
10. Dare You to Move -- Vocal Point, Switchfoot cover

Sunday, April 1, 2012



...I think I'm a little too honest sometimes. There are more things I should keep to myself, particularly opinions. Either that or I should say them in a different way.
...knowing what you should do and wanting to do it are not the same thing at all. is very hard for me to imagine being parents (because you're the parent), no friends (not all the time), just you and your spouse making all of the decisions, all of the purchases, all of the plans, all of the actions that are necessary for a successful family. I can imagine me doing those things by myself, but throw in a man and my brain can't handle it.
...I really hope there is a point to all of the things I'm doing.


...went on a date last night, and it was so much fun. John is one of my best friend's older brothers. He took me to Trafalga and we played laser tag, mini golf (amid the presidential monuments of the United States, which is ironic because we played without any rules), skeeball, and air hockey. For our prizes, John got a mustache and a miniature pin wheel. I got a butterfly temporary tattoo because it was just too pretty to pass up. Even if I don't wear it, I might put it on a piece of paper. Very fun date, very nice guy, very good time.
...two bridal showers this week for darling Brianna! She is so adorable, I can't get over it. 27 days till the wedding!
...homework. Who does that? Oh...I should be doing that.
...Love's Labors Lost at BYU. Good show, but the girls in the production bothered me. Every time they were onstage I felt like I was watching junior high school students giggling and shrieking over something. There wasn't a lot of depth in the female character portrayals -- it was all surface flirtation with little visible thought behind the actions. Other than that, it was a fun show.
...I have a plan. 6 credits this Spring, 6.5 credits this Summer, 17.5 credits this Fall. Put in mission papers, and if I still feel like I should go I'll go. If not, I'll keep going to school and graduate in August 2013. Ready, go.


...don't want to be touched. At all. Period. No hugs, no high fives, no brushing hands, no linking arms, no nothing. Why? No idea. None.
...blessed because the grant money I received for school will carry over into the Spring/Summer terms, the car is still working just fine, I have a good job, my school schedule will allow me to keep working and study as well, and I don't have to pay rent. is not meant to be spent in comfort. We're moved from old places and friends into new places with new people. Start over every few months. Change is certain, yet brings such uncertainty.
...what do you do when you realize your heart is breaking but you don't know why? It shouldn't be breaking at all, but it is, and it doesn't make sense. No matter how much you think about it and work at being "unbroken" -- you're broken. The feeling doesn't go away.

so...rumor has it...

You are all probably aware how easily obsessed I get with things. Take Adele. No I'm not obsessed with her as a person/artist, but some of her songs have become a bit of an obsession. Like "Rumor Has It." O-em-gee seriously much.

I like music that speaks. The rhythm, the beat, the vocals, the instruments -- I like pieces that have a voice. I know that a lot of people don't like Adele's work, and there are some songs that I don't particularly like. Others though...they're the kind of songs that call for near speaker blow out with the car windows rolled down, or for singing your heart out alone in your bedroom.

I like music that makes me feel. Be it happiness or sadness or frustration or giddiness or heartbreak, I like songs that channel emotion and thought, whether through the lyrics or the musicality or both. Sometimes I wish I were as brave as music helps me to be...sometimes I wish I could take the thoughts and feelings aroused by a song and hold onto them for carry those feelings over into "20 seconds of courage" act.

"Rumor Has It" is one of those songs that does it for me right now. Blasting it in my room, dancing around the piles of organized disaster on the floor, singing as loud as I can, feeling and thinking and being the girl I wish I was brave enough to be when people are watching. It's a song you can feel -- I like that.