door mat...

Some of you may know my middle name and think it fits rather well. Others know what I say it is and disagree with it. And others have no clue what it is.

Well. I will tell you.

Hi, my name is Georgie, and though the initial in the middle of my name is "K" my real middle name is Door Mat.

Don't believe me? You should believe me, because it is very much true. Try as I might to change that middle name, it takes time and money and knowledge, none of which I have at the moment (or in any upcoming moments, it looks like).

A lot of people walk all over me. Granted, not everyone does, but enough that it hurts and gets old. It doesn't always start out that way -- a lot of friendships have started out with mutual give and take. Then I start to notice that I'm the one doing most of (in some cases all of) the giving and getting little back. The more I notice it, the more afraid I get, and the more I begin to pull away. I give less because I get scared of being hurt more -- I put on a face of indifference when in reality it hurts, but I don't know what to do or say to fix it. Maybe it's because I expect too much of others. Maybe it's because I'm "loyal to a fault" and any little deviation from what I consider loyalty is painful for me, but it doesn't even cross the other person's mind as an issue. I don't know how to talk about it, though. Conflict, potential conflict, whatever of any kind is literally the stuff of nightmares for me. I hate it.

It's not fun being a door mat. It's not fun trying to stick up for yourself, either. When you do try, people are so used to you just laying down and saying "Here, step on me, and don't forget to wipe your feet on my face -- the carpet is more important, and the shine of soles of your shoes is just absolutely imperative" that they don't take a "No" or an "I don't want to" or an "I have an idea" seriously. Sometimes I wonder if people don't think a door mat person can even come up with anything close to the definition of an idea -- door mats can't think. They're simply there to be walked over and to scrape the mud off of the bottom of your shoes.

I wish I weren't so afraid to say what I want. I wish I weren't so scared of offending someone or coming across as bossy and controlling. I don't want to be bossy and controlling. Neither do I want to be ignored or have what I want pushed aside -- or have people think that I really don't want anything. I'm the girl who just does what others want -- I watch movies I don't feel comfortable watching, I do activities I don't want to do, I eat food I don't like, I do things that make me extremely anxious or that bore me, I say things that I really don't believe, I don't say anything if it disagrees with a friend's opinion or belief -- I just do what I'm told. Any little fight I put up generally gets ignored anyway, so I give up pretty easily.

Finding a balance between outright rude or bossy and being a door mat is so hard for me. I hate anything remotely close to conflict. Unfortunately, that makes me very good at the cold shoulder. I'm so afraid of a fight or an argument that I just shut down, pull back, and avoid people that I feel anxious about. That's no good, either. It's just as hurtful, if not more so, than simply piping up and saying, "Um, excuse me, but would you please take into consideration my feelings, rather than only thinking about what you want? Yeah, thanks. I'd appreciate it."