Thursday, May 29, 2014


I can't explain my life to you. The pain. The fear. The constant exhaustion that never goes away.
Until it all becomes a sort of fog, where I'm choking, but I don't care.

You can't understand it. You can empathize -- and for your compassion, I am grateful.
But you can't understand.

I cannot tell you how grateful I am that you cannot.
Because to understand? You have to live this.

I pray you never live this way.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014


i don't want to be a victim.
i don't want to be running scared,
walking through the world like there's a target on my back,
worried that someday, somewhere, someone is waiting.
waiting for the perfect moment -- to strike.

i don't want to be paranoid. i don't want to be afraid;
constantly re-living the past. always aware of an unknown -- unseen -- unnamed --

because that's how i've been living.
that's what i've become.
this is the world that i inhabit, that i understand, that i know appears irrational
-- but i also know to be horribly. nightmarishly.

living with depression and all that comes with it...

Things that go bump in the night go bump in the day;
the difference so little that time slips away
-- exhaustion.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

comic KAAAAAAHN...

No, I'm not actually a Trekkie, though I have been initiated into the fandom by several very persistent friends. It's going to be a long undertaking. They're quite dedicated.

Despite my lack of Trekkie-ness, you can count on my nerdy affiliations to other fandoms, like Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, the TV series Chuck, Harry Potter, among a myriad of fun things. Which is why I once again attended the Salt Lake Comic Con this April with one of my best friends.


Here we are, me and Linnea. We're two of the cutest little nerds you're ever gonna meet, if you're lucky. ;) This is the second time we've gone together, and we're all ready making plans for September.

Meeting Karen Gillan from the popular TV series Dr. Who, which I've never actually seen. Linnea was kind enough to let me be in her the photo. Can you tell that I'm super tired? We'd been in line for over two hours!

Meet the handsome, charming, devil-may-care and self-proclaimed "I'm a nerd just like you guys!" Karl Urban of The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers and The Return of the King. When I walked up to him, I exclaimed, "Wow! You're super tall!" He laughed and in his adorable Kiwi (New Zealand) accent, he said, "No worries!" He then put his arms around us and bent his knees a little bit. 

He is so TALL. 

But my favorite -- the man who I was so excited to meet that I almost cried -- Adam Baldwin, who plays John Casey in my favorite TV show, Chuck. Yes, I know that it's kind of silly that I about cried from happiness and excitement. It was really special for me, though. I even got a giant hug when I said hello to him. It was a literal dream come true.

We had such a good time together. I was lucky enough to go on Saturday with a few other friends. I got to see Adam Baldwin again and attend the panel where he answered questions. One of the guys I was with went up to ask a question and got Mr. Baldwin to do his John Casey growl just for me! Afterwards, we got to meet Patrick Stewart -- another step to making me a real Trekkie. They just don't give up!

Such a fun experience. I can't wait for September.

Monday, May 5, 2014

night time...

I spend little time outside. I realized this two days ago, when I was lying on the grass at the park and I was struck by the fact that the sky is blue. Running an average day's schedule through my head, it became clear that being outside isn't really a "thing" in my life. Which is very sad.

As I've thought about it more, I've also realized that I do get outside -- I just get outside during the night time. For some reason I'm a lot more comfortable outside when the sun has gone down. Perhaps it's the fact that it requires zero sunscreen (I burn like you wouldn't believe [no, really -- I get sunburned sitting at stoplights with the car windows rolled up]). Or maybe it's because it's dark and that means my eyes don't hurt, which means no headaches from bright sunlight.

Both contribute to why I prefer venturing out of doors at night. And -- this is just sad -- there are a lot fewer people out after dark. No one bothers me at midnight when I'm sitting out in the driveway looking at the stars, and no one wants to talk when I'm driving down the freeway at two in the morning with the windows down and the radio turned up loud.

I like the night. I like the quiet, and the coolness -- I have a rather startling number of sweaters, so the cold doesn't bother me too much. I like that the rest of the world is sleeping and that I'm not. Sometimes it's lonely. Sometimes it's very lonely, and a little scary. But I like to think that somewhere, there is someone else enjoying the night time, just like I am.

While all of this is fine and good, I really should get outside in the sunshine more often. I don't think the moon produces any vitamin D, and I might be less depressed if I get out of this vampire-like habit and, you know. Interact with day time lovers or something.