Friday, October 29, 2010
I've mentioned these friends before. They are Jason, Jordan, and Kyle. When I first told you about them, we were still becoming friends. Now, they are my best friends and my brothers (though that depends on the day because Jason and Jordan are both really, really, really cute).
Anyway. As you probably know, my sister had pneumonia and ended up in the hospital. I had something like it, and my youngest sister ended up with walking pneumonia. So we were all sick. Jordan and Kyle stopped by with two friends, Tim and Joe (I'm getting to know Tim better and he's really nice). They brought us all Frosties from Wendy's. That was so sweet of them. It really helped me out, because I was all ready having a really rough day.
Then this newer incident: BAD day. It was a "I am done with everything and I give up" day. Jason called me, and I'm a terrible actress I guess because he knew right away that I was really upset. So he and his brothers went to Walgreen's at 10:00 in the evening and bought candy bars and fuzzy socks in various color combinations, then brought them to my house. There were candy bars and socks for all of the girls in the family, including my mom.
They picked my two favorite candy bars AND my favorite color for the socks (purple). I didn' t know that they even knew that stuff.
In short, I have good friends and I love them so much. I'm so grateful for them-God has been so kind to me in sending me people who look after me. They really do help me out so much.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
I'm not understanding a lot of my homework assignments, and when I ask teachers for clarification I just get more confused. The computer program at work is all messed up, so it makes my job take twice as long to complete. Not to mention people don't do their jobs on time so that means more work for me to go in and fix things.
The biggest stress is my constant feeling of "I don't care anymore." There's a pattern that I've noticed: August comes around and I'm super happy. September hits and I start to slide into lack of energy. October rolls around, and by the end of it I don't care about anything and I seriously consider giving up. November is just more of the same.
So stress...yeah. It's great. Stupid kid I am. I'll grow up one of these days. I hope.
Monday, October 25, 2010
char, over at ramblins, invited some of her readers to write a life lesson and share it with our own readers. I decided to accept the invitation. As I've thought about this lesson the past week, I've worried that people would find it trivial or insignificant. But I also realized that different things are hard for different people. Something that you have gone through might seem easier than my own trials. Something that I have gone through might seem easier to you. And I remembered something I said once. Quoting myself, "The smallest, tiniest, most insignificant things can break your heart because they weren't small, tiny, or insignificant to you."
We all suffer heartbreaks. They are different for us all. And that, friends, is how I will begin my lesson, of what I have learned:
I am what you would call a rather paranoid person. I constantly worry that I hurt others and drive them away from me. I'm afraid that I'll be abandoned. I'm afraid to abandon others, even when I know that their actions are unfair or harmful to me. This past year I have lost several friends, friends who I trusted and loved as much as my own family. One experience in particular comes to mind. During my junior year in high school, I befriended a young man who I had several classes with. Johnny* was a year older than me, but that didn't really seem to matter. We talked to one another frequently about the things we were struggling with, and he often told me that I helped him get through hard things.
Johnny helped me in many ways as well. When I faced similar trials, especially the feeling of worthlessness that rears up in my heart and mind, he talked to me and gave me advice. He never made me feel like I was stupid or mediocre. Yes, his honesty would on occasion be brutal, but I knew that he was saying such things as a friend. It wasn't to bring me down.
This young man meant a lot to me. I sort of adopted him as my older brother; I loved him for his courage in continuing forward despite his struggles with his family, his friends, and feeling that he was of no worth. I loved him for his intelligence and honesty. I loved him very much.
Johnny was in a lot of pain, emotionally and mentally. I remember staying up all night long talking to him on several occasions, and I would find myself crying silently as I listened to him. I wanted to help Johnny; he had entered a very severe depression. "There is no light anymore," he said, "There hasn't been for a very long time. I expect that for me, life will never be bright again, and I will be lost to the darkness forever." This frightened me. Johnny had done stupid things before and had talked about doing stupid things, and I was worried that he would make the greatest mistake of all.
I worked with him. I did what I could, in listening and accepting him the way he was. One night, I told him that I would always be there for him if he needed me. The conversation died for a few moments, and he answered saying, "I don't see how girls can do that. They're just there for people, despite the fact that they get hurt. You're like that. You will get hurt for it. And you, of all people in the world, I couldn't bear to hurt." He then said something that made me think for a few minutes, "You can't always be there for people. When they fail…if you've invested too much energy and time in a person who will disappoint you-don't make that mistake."
I was confused by this. How could I possibly invest too much time in a person? Did Johnny think he would disappoint me? I told him he couldn't disappoint me. He hadn't given up. He kept trying. Besides, I trusted him. I had from early into our friendship. I told him, and he replied, "You give your trust too easily."
I decided to ignore this. Give my trust too easily? Ridiculous! Johnny was my dear friend. I knew so much about him. He knew so much about me. I kept trying to help him. I talked to him. I talked to his family. I did everything that I could possibly think of without making him upset with me.
Early in November of last year, Johnny was lower than I had ever seen him. He truly seemed to be near giving up. I could think of nothing more to do, so I asked him a question. I asked, "Have I ever told you that I love you?"
There was no answer for a few minutes. I sat at the computer, scared to death that I had overstepped and made a huge mistake. Then came the answer, an answer that I have never forgotten. "You have never needed to. I've known since the beginning that you love me. You are the most sincere person I have ever met; for that I thank you. I know that you love me. And I hope you know that I love you, too."
The next afternoon I got on the computer to talk to him, as I had every evening for almost two months. He was gone. All traces of Johnny had disappeared. I tried to call, but there was no answer. I talked to his brother, who I went to school with, and he told me that he didn't know what was going on.
He really was gone. He hadn't done anything stupid, but he had detached himself from our friendship. We were, in fact, no longer friends. I was devastated. Johnny, who I had loved so much, and held such high regard for, was gone from my life. There were no more talks. No more phone calls. No more plans to do things and becoming too busy so planning for another day.
This really destroyed me. For days, weeks, and months, I thought about what I had done wrong. Had I truly overstepped in telling Johnny out loud that I loved him? Had I been wrong in becoming so close to him? What had I done to make him leave like that? Over and over again in my mind I analyzed our conversations and tried to figure out what my mistake had been. I was so down about this, and any mention or reminder of Johnny would send me over the edge. We went to a dance together junior year; I hid the flowers, I put away the pictures, and I stored the dress somewhere in the basement. I wanted to erase him from my life.
I saw Johnny in the spring. It had been months since he disappeared. I was so shocked, but my first reaction was to run, to run after him and catch him. I burst out of the building and yelled his name. He stopped, and turned around. Johnny's smile started, then faded, and slowly he held out his hands to me. I almost ran into his arms. All of the pain and fear was gone in that moment. I wasn't angry at him. I didn't feel any pain. I was just so happy to see him. I couldn't even believe it.
The conversation was awkward, but I didn't want him to leave. I knew that it would be back to the way it had been before. We said a quiet good-bye, and I had the feeling that I would never see him again. As I walked into the building alone, I began to cry. For a few moments, the pain had been gone. It returned even stronger than before. I was so confused, and felt so abandoned. I knew he was gone again, and there would be no chance for the friendship I had so cherished to be fixed.
Johnny's younger brother, Eric**, has become a friend of mine. We had a ballroom class together the last semester of the school year. He looks so much like Johnny, and he sounds like him, too. I was worried that Eric would think I was using him as a replacement for my Johnny. I talked to him about it one night. He told me that he had never thought that, and to stop worrying about Johnny's decision. I, however, couldn't stop worrying about it. Just last week, I was thinking about Johnny and feeling the pain of his leaving again. I decided I would talk to Eric; he always has very good advice. I didn't tell him what I was really bothered by. I told Eric that I feel that I constantly hurt people, and that the things I do push them away from me. "I've lost so many people I love this year," I told him, "And I don't understand what it is that I'm doing wrong."
Eric gave me a situation to think about. "Imagine that both of my parents died in a car accident last weekend. I am extremely distraught, and I shut myself off from the world. You try to approach me to say hello, just as you normally would. I don't respond. In fact, I cut you off from me. You have no idea what has happened, and I don't feel like telling you. Does that make my actions your fault? Have you done anything to hurt me, other than being yourself and being my friend, just as you always do?"
That really made me reflect on what happened with Johnny. This past week, as I was thinking about what Eric said to me, I have realized that I didn't really do anything wrong. I was honest. I was myself. I did everything that I had always done, since the beginning of my friendship with Johnny. Perhaps, as Eric said, this isn't my fault. Perhaps Johnny is at a time in his life where he has cut himself off from the world. Perhaps I didn't hurt him; perhaps I did nothing wrong. Eric's words, and my own search for answers, have helped me to see that perhaps things just happen. People handle trials and struggles in different ways. I won't say that I am 100% ready to trust someone again. I won't say that I'm not hurt. I won't say that I'm not afraid that I will be hurt again. But now I am finding that to forgive the person who hurts you, and to forgive yourself, are the two ways to find peace.
I have learned that people hurt each other. I have been very hurt multiple times this year by people I love; the experience with Johnny is just one of them. However, it is not my job to harbor guilt, resentment, fear, and pain. I do not need to constantly analyze my actions in a situation. I do not need to take all the blame. I am not to judge another, but I am to forgive. And I am also to forgive myself.
Life is a hard thing. We meet people, we keep people, we lose people. Perhaps there are people who come into our lives for a short time to teach us, and then they leave when they are no longer needed. Perhaps there are people who come into our lives for forever, and the lessons we learn from the short term people will strengthen our ability to keep the forever people. I have learned to love despite the fear. I have learned how to love despite the pain. I have learned to forgive. I haven't completely learned everything; I'll never stop learning. But I have a foundation now. Now, it is time to move forward.
*Name has been changed
**Name has been changed
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
There will be a better post tomorrow. Maybe. If I have time. If not...sorry for the lameness.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
I watch women's hands; they posess a beauty that fascinates me but I don't really know why. Women have beautiful hands-the things they do with their hands make them even more so. The women I know have gentle, soft, busy hands. They care for themselves, for children, for friends, for strangers.
The men I know-I wouldn't say that their hands are beautiful. But I would say that their hands are strong. Strong, and still gentle.
The hands I have known and do know are gentle. They are strong. They are busy and soft. Men and women alike; my parents, my sisters, my brother. My friends' parents, my friends themselves. Neighbors, teachers, coworkers, even strangers. The simple things that they do-brushing my hair, opening a door for me, carrying groceries, driving me to school, paying for things, wiping away tears, pushing a button on the elevator-all things that people I know well and do not know well have done for me and for others.
Hands do so many things. They can destroy. They can build. They can strike. They can caress. They can wave...and they can flip you off. I have experienced all of those things because someone used their hands.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
There are things in my life that are happy. Many things. I have amazing friends. I have a wonderful family. School is going surprisingly well. I have a job that pays well. I was given a full-ride scholarship. I received two grants, so was able to pay for all of my books, fees, and get a new laptop (currently using!!). My brother gave me a car. I'm in a great choir.
So why do I feel so empty? Why can I not understand how to be happy? I see it. I taste it. I hold it in my hands and gaze at it, captured by the sparkling brilliance of the treasure. But like any precious gem or pearl, it goes back in the case, locked and under guard. I can't keep it for my own. I hold it as a loan for a few minutes or hours, but it's not mine.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
These are my words:
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
the first time
I spoke the words to you.
across my lips,
binding words that speak of
Words that speak of
The words poured from
desperate to reach out
Desperate to show you
what I'd hidden
for so long.
I told you that I love you.
The words would not stop.
to hold them back.
on my part.
But I meant it.
Yes, my friend. I meant
what I said.
That I love you.
The words have escaped;
they no longer belong
to my heart.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
I am not into self-disclosure at the moment (despite the first paragraph which just disclosed so much. More than I was planning). I'm having trust issues to say the least. But here, I find that I'm not afraid. Perhaps it is the fact that this is my space. I don't really control who reads or comments, but it's my place to put myself. This is me. Or perhaps it is because I know you-the people whose lives I read and relate to and enjoy from my bedroom. And yet, I don't know you. I don't know your faces. Any disappointment in me, I don't see. And if you stop reading, how am I to know?
Today has been rough. Very rough. There have been temptations and I was almost not strong enough. However, I put away my pride and didn't phone a friend-I texted. Yes. I text. Guilty.
Then the tears came again. The fear and loneliness and anger at my own stupidity came back. With it came the desire to do something stupid. It's like Oreo cookies: they make you feel better when you eat the whole package, but is it good for you? Eh...not so much. For short term it makes you forget, but the long term it just gives you a stomachache. So now, I'm in my space, and I'm going to put myself back where I belong. Here. With my words.
Broken girl with shattered dreams
clutching the shards tightly in her hands.
Crying from the pain of holding on,
but afraid to let the pieces go.
Once Upon a Family has tagged me with some questions!!
We are known for the happiness of the valley, the blueness of the residents, the tallness of the mountains, and the greenness of the Jell-o.
2. What was your favorite TV show when you were a kid?
Do I have to pick one? PBS stations: Arthur, Cyberchase, Liberty's Kids, Puzzle Place, Lamb Chops. Great stuff.
3. Do you have any pets?I have a white fluffy thing (Maltese Pomeranian Shi Tzu mix, or Malteraniantzu) that loves me. Her name is Misty. And there's a cat that's adopted my house...he can't come in because my sister and I are both very allergic to cats, but he comes around every day.
4. How often do you vacuum?Um...ah ha ha...not enough?
5. What would you want to do if you weren't living the life you are now?I would be singing for my supper and making lots of money to buy shoes (???????).
6. Would you rather go to a crowded supermarket on a Friday afternoon or be canning on a hot day?Supermarket! Because that's what I do anyway. And...I've never canned anything...
7. What is the best thing about your spouse?I have no spouse. But maybe someday I can answer this question.
8. If you could go to the lunch with anyone in the world who would it be?
Currently I have no desire to go to lunch with anyone. Tomorrow, however, I would probably pick my friend Shelby because I haven't seen her in 5 years and I really, really miss her.
Monday, October 11, 2010
- Not feeling tired when I woke up
- My new purple sweater that I bought. Which I love. And that I actually think makes me look pretty.
- Understanding the math concepts that I missed last week while gone from school at the doctor/in bed
- Learning something new in Institute (even though it was kind of a slap in the face for me)
- Getting an A on my English paper
- Friends posting random notes on my Facebook page and making me smile
- Long text conversations
- Talking to a good friend about a problem and being taught so many new things
- Being blown kisses
- Dancing with my 3-year-old friend who is an absolute little doll
- Being hugged
- Knowing that a boy thinks you're cute, and knowing he respects you by treating you in a kind, friendly manner. No strings attached.
- Making a new friend
Sunday, October 10, 2010
In the figurative sense...ever feel like you're needed by so many people but they forget that once in awhile you might need them? I know I'm rather selfish, but I'm feeling very tired and worn down. There are people who I want to help and be strong for. Sometimes I just get a little bit tired. For example:
I have many friends who are several years younger than I am. I count them as some of my closest friends, in fact. And there is probably only one of them who isn't struggling with something similar to what I went through at that age. One young friend in particular is having a really rough time.
He doesn't think he's good enough for anything or anybody. He engages in behaviors that at times make me want to smack him and at other times send me to my room crying because I'm so afraid for him. Last night was frightening. All of this group of friends of mine went to a theatre competition. I got a text from him in the evening after the awards ceremony. He didn't do as well as he'd hoped, and that kind of sent him over the edge. It was very scary for me; here I am at home, so far away from him, unable to do anything more than what I can do over the phone.
The feeling of helplessness that comes with these situations is so hard for me. I want my friends to be happy! I want them to be safe and know that they are loved. These relationships with my friends have given me a greater appreciation for the people who stuck with me when I was at my lowest points. Now I see how hard it was on them, to talk in circles and watch me keep doing the same things. I see how hard it is on them now, even though I personally am doing better. They keep sticking it out. It makes me want to try harder.
So yes. Today, it is very hard to breathe. I think I'm going to go back to bed.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Lately I'm seeing a new side of myself as my subconscious, sleepy mind wakes. I scream, I yell, I cry, I break lamps and punch walls. I say incredibly insensitive, mean things to people who don't deserve them, and I say even meaner things to people who might need to hear a little bit of...something (not to say it needs to come from me). In short, my dream self is a rather brutal, violent, angry person.
I don't like that.
What problems is my mind trying to solve? Sure, I'm probably reading too much into this, but I'm curious. Am I as "healed" as I pretend I am? Have I really forgiven the people who I feel have hurt me? Am I incredibly selfish? I feel very selfish. Sometimes so selfish I'm ashamed of myself. And some days I really do feel so very, very hurt and betrayed. Honestly, nothing really bad has happened. I wasn't beaten or anything like that. It's more the feeling of being abandoned. Which is in itself ridiculous. I'm not an abandoned person. My family and my friends are here. God is always here.
It doesn't always feel that way.
These dreams are bothering me. A lot.
Friday, October 8, 2010
- The antibiotics are different enough that "she should be fine"
- This particular antibiotic really kicks my particular problem in the butt, and the faster its butt gets kicked the better off I'll be
- I really didn't want to end up in the hospital so I wanted that kick quick
Here's what we decided to do: I was to get the medicine at the pharmacy and go visit my sister at the hospital. After arriving, I was to take the medicine and wait to see if I had an allergic reaction. If said reaction occurred (no matter how I spell this word it looks wrong, so I'm leaving it), I was to inform a nurse and get treated right away. If said reaction never happened, I was to go home and rest.
This is where the term "experimentation" gets taken to a new level. I did as the doctor instructed. I, however, had an advantage: I was not trying this at home. There was a fully trained medical staff just outside the door. Granted they had no idea what was going on, but in my mind it was good. And it made me feel super dangerous. Insert sniggering here.
I took the drugs. And guess what? Nothing. Happened. Which is why I'm sitting at home in the office writing of my drug adventure right at this moment.
We can now officially declare that the question: "will she have an allergic reaction" gets a negatory. The hypothesis: "she'll be fine due to the nearly two decade time lapse" gets a thumbs up.
(that doesn't really work...I've just always wanted to say that.)
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Hospitals are interesting places. Happy things take place here. Sad things take place here. People laugh. People cry. People are born. And people die. That rhyme was unintentional. You get the point. Anyway, as I've been sitting here I'm realizing that hospitals are very complex settings. So many different events take place here. So many different experiences. While one couple is exclaiming over their perfect new baby, another couple could be suddenly faced with the fact that their long awaited little one will never come home. One person could be tenderly helping their soul mate into the car, while another might be saying good-bye for the last time. It's all so fascinating to me, this idea that so many lives are being lived while we are so very unaware of one another.
In this world we're so connected-Facebook, blogging, cell phones, email-we're so very much involved with one another. And yet, there are still so many strangers. How do we affect other people? How are we affected by others? How do all of the unintentional connections affect us, like when you make eye contact with a stranger in the hallway? That happened to me downstairs; a woman and I made eye contact as I was going in the elevator and she was coming out. She was sad, yet she smiled at me. I was sad, yet I smiled at her. Did we help each other? Despite our backgrounds and personal struggles, did we perhaps make one another stronger for just a little while?
Then again I could be crazy...good night.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
HOLY FREAKIN' COW I am such a slacker.
So it's October. My last post? April. I feel like a whole chunk of my life has disappeared.
And I know I say this every time: I WILL CHANGE!!! Well...I probably won't. Not overnight. But I will try.