I am having the hardest time finding my own words to express what's going on. So many things run through my head during the days and nights, but when I actually sit down to write them, they all disappear. All I am left with is a feeling of emptiness, a numbness that I don't understand.
There are things in my life that are happy. Many things. I have amazing friends. I have a wonderful family. School is going surprisingly well. I have a job that pays well. I was given a full-ride scholarship. I received two grants, so was able to pay for all of my books, fees, and get a new laptop (currently using!!). My brother gave me a car. I'm in a great choir.
So why do I feel so empty? Why can I not understand how to be happy? I see it. I taste it. I hold it in my hands and gaze at it, captured by the sparkling brilliance of the treasure. But like any precious gem or pearl, it goes back in the case, locked and under guard. I can't keep it for my own. I hold it as a loan for a few minutes or hours, but it's not mine.