Saturday, October 9, 2010

not abandoned...

Do you ever wake up from a dream and find yourself thinking, "Wow. Did I really just do that? I mean, it was a dream...but did I really do that in my dream?"

Lately I'm seeing a new side of myself as my subconscious, sleepy mind wakes. I scream, I yell, I cry, I break lamps and punch walls. I say incredibly insensitive, mean things to people who don't deserve them, and I say even meaner things to people who might need to hear a little bit of...something (not to say it needs to come from me). In short, my dream self is a rather brutal, violent, angry person.

I don't like that.

What problems is my mind trying to solve? Sure, I'm probably reading too much into this, but I'm curious. Am I as "healed" as I pretend I am? Have I really forgiven the people who I feel have hurt me? Am I incredibly selfish? I feel very selfish. Sometimes so selfish I'm ashamed of myself. And some days I really do feel so very, very hurt and betrayed. Honestly, nothing really bad has happened. I wasn't beaten or anything like that. It's more the feeling of being abandoned. Which is in itself ridiculous. I'm not an abandoned person. My family and my friends are here. God is always here.

It doesn't always feel that way.

These dreams are bothering me. A lot.

3 comments:

Q said...

So pray that they will go away. Seriously, it works. I haven't had a nightmare since I was a little kid, because I started praying every night that I'd not have them because I hated them so much.

SandyCarlson said...

Well said. I wonder if I have forgiven those I would like to believe I have forgiven. I suspect I have not.

Georgie K. Buttons said...

Q: I'll try that.

Sandy: I haven't yet. Got to keep trying.