hard to breathe...

In a literal and figurative sense, yes, it is hard to breathe today. In the literal sense, I'm having a harder time than I was hoping for in getting over...whatever it is that I've got. When I woke up today I found it rather more difficult than usual to breathe, and so far nothing's changed. Perhaps it's the fact that I had several young gentlemen friends visit me and my sister (who is home from the hospital) last night and one of those young men tends to leave me feeling rather breathless. He's just so good looking. :)

In the figurative sense...ever feel like you're needed by so many people but they forget that once in awhile you might need them? I know I'm rather selfish, but I'm feeling very tired and worn down. There are people who I want to help and be strong for. Sometimes I just get a little bit tired. For example:

I have many friends who are several years younger than I am. I count them as some of my closest friends, in fact. And there is probably only one of them who isn't struggling with something similar to what I went through at that age. One young friend in particular is having a really rough time.

He doesn't think he's good enough for anything or anybody. He engages in behaviors that at times make me want to smack him and at other times send me to my room crying because I'm so afraid for him. Last night was frightening. All of this group of friends of mine went to a theatre competition. I got a text from him in the evening after the awards ceremony. He didn't do as well as he'd hoped, and that kind of sent him over the edge. It was very scary for me; here I am at home, so far away from him, unable to do anything more than what I can do over the phone.

The feeling of helplessness that comes with these situations is so hard for me. I want my friends to be happy! I want them to be safe and know that they are loved. These relationships with my friends have given me a greater appreciation for the people who stuck with me when I was at my lowest points. Now I see how hard it was on them, to talk in circles and watch me keep doing the same things. I see how hard it is on them now, even though I personally am doing better. They keep sticking it out. It makes me want to try harder.

So yes. Today, it is very hard to breathe. I think I'm going to go back to bed.