The first time I heard this, my automatic response was, "Love must not be human."
Sunday, December 26, 2010
The first time I heard this, my automatic response was, "Love must not be human."
Friday, December 24, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
The other problem is when life gets in the way of school. Personal issues conflict with school issues conflict with job issues conflict with personal issues conflict with everything else issues...oi vay. This life sure is an adventure.
I didn't fail my tests though. History, as of yet, is a terrible score. At least to me. Yes, there is a curve, but it is against my nature to not stress about things I have no knowledge of. Math was surprising to me: 97/100. What? Me? Shocking, really. No. Really. Shocking. And English? 100%. Say what?
Why am I so down even when things are going well? Ugh.
Friday, October 29, 2010
I've mentioned these friends before. They are Jason, Jordan, and Kyle. When I first told you about them, we were still becoming friends. Now, they are my best friends and my brothers (though that depends on the day because Jason and Jordan are both really, really, really cute).
Anyway. As you probably know, my sister had pneumonia and ended up in the hospital. I had something like it, and my youngest sister ended up with walking pneumonia. So we were all sick. Jordan and Kyle stopped by with two friends, Tim and Joe (I'm getting to know Tim better and he's really nice). They brought us all Frosties from Wendy's. That was so sweet of them. It really helped me out, because I was all ready having a really rough day.
Then this newer incident: BAD day. It was a "I am done with everything and I give up" day. Jason called me, and I'm a terrible actress I guess because he knew right away that I was really upset. So he and his brothers went to Walgreen's at 10:00 in the evening and bought candy bars and fuzzy socks in various color combinations, then brought them to my house. There were candy bars and socks for all of the girls in the family, including my mom.
They picked my two favorite candy bars AND my favorite color for the socks (purple). I didn' t know that they even knew that stuff.
In short, I have good friends and I love them so much. I'm so grateful for them-God has been so kind to me in sending me people who look after me. They really do help me out so much.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
I'm not understanding a lot of my homework assignments, and when I ask teachers for clarification I just get more confused. The computer program at work is all messed up, so it makes my job take twice as long to complete. Not to mention people don't do their jobs on time so that means more work for me to go in and fix things.
The biggest stress is my constant feeling of "I don't care anymore." There's a pattern that I've noticed: August comes around and I'm super happy. September hits and I start to slide into lack of energy. October rolls around, and by the end of it I don't care about anything and I seriously consider giving up. November is just more of the same.
So stress...yeah. It's great. Stupid kid I am. I'll grow up one of these days. I hope.
Monday, October 25, 2010
char, over at ramblins, invited some of her readers to write a life lesson and share it with our own readers. I decided to accept the invitation. As I've thought about this lesson the past week, I've worried that people would find it trivial or insignificant. But I also realized that different things are hard for different people. Something that you have gone through might seem easier than my own trials. Something that I have gone through might seem easier to you. And I remembered something I said once. Quoting myself, "The smallest, tiniest, most insignificant things can break your heart because they weren't small, tiny, or insignificant to you."
We all suffer heartbreaks. They are different for us all. And that, friends, is how I will begin my lesson, of what I have learned:
I am what you would call a rather paranoid person. I constantly worry that I hurt others and drive them away from me. I'm afraid that I'll be abandoned. I'm afraid to abandon others, even when I know that their actions are unfair or harmful to me. This past year I have lost several friends, friends who I trusted and loved as much as my own family. One experience in particular comes to mind. During my junior year in high school, I befriended a young man who I had several classes with. Johnny* was a year older than me, but that didn't really seem to matter. We talked to one another frequently about the things we were struggling with, and he often told me that I helped him get through hard things.
Johnny helped me in many ways as well. When I faced similar trials, especially the feeling of worthlessness that rears up in my heart and mind, he talked to me and gave me advice. He never made me feel like I was stupid or mediocre. Yes, his honesty would on occasion be brutal, but I knew that he was saying such things as a friend. It wasn't to bring me down.
This young man meant a lot to me. I sort of adopted him as my older brother; I loved him for his courage in continuing forward despite his struggles with his family, his friends, and feeling that he was of no worth. I loved him for his intelligence and honesty. I loved him very much.
Johnny was in a lot of pain, emotionally and mentally. I remember staying up all night long talking to him on several occasions, and I would find myself crying silently as I listened to him. I wanted to help Johnny; he had entered a very severe depression. "There is no light anymore," he said, "There hasn't been for a very long time. I expect that for me, life will never be bright again, and I will be lost to the darkness forever." This frightened me. Johnny had done stupid things before and had talked about doing stupid things, and I was worried that he would make the greatest mistake of all.
I worked with him. I did what I could, in listening and accepting him the way he was. One night, I told him that I would always be there for him if he needed me. The conversation died for a few moments, and he answered saying, "I don't see how girls can do that. They're just there for people, despite the fact that they get hurt. You're like that. You will get hurt for it. And you, of all people in the world, I couldn't bear to hurt." He then said something that made me think for a few minutes, "You can't always be there for people. When they fail…if you've invested too much energy and time in a person who will disappoint you-don't make that mistake."
I was confused by this. How could I possibly invest too much time in a person? Did Johnny think he would disappoint me? I told him he couldn't disappoint me. He hadn't given up. He kept trying. Besides, I trusted him. I had from early into our friendship. I told him, and he replied, "You give your trust too easily."
I decided to ignore this. Give my trust too easily? Ridiculous! Johnny was my dear friend. I knew so much about him. He knew so much about me. I kept trying to help him. I talked to him. I talked to his family. I did everything that I could possibly think of without making him upset with me.
Early in November of last year, Johnny was lower than I had ever seen him. He truly seemed to be near giving up. I could think of nothing more to do, so I asked him a question. I asked, "Have I ever told you that I love you?"
There was no answer for a few minutes. I sat at the computer, scared to death that I had overstepped and made a huge mistake. Then came the answer, an answer that I have never forgotten. "You have never needed to. I've known since the beginning that you love me. You are the most sincere person I have ever met; for that I thank you. I know that you love me. And I hope you know that I love you, too."
The next afternoon I got on the computer to talk to him, as I had every evening for almost two months. He was gone. All traces of Johnny had disappeared. I tried to call, but there was no answer. I talked to his brother, who I went to school with, and he told me that he didn't know what was going on.
He really was gone. He hadn't done anything stupid, but he had detached himself from our friendship. We were, in fact, no longer friends. I was devastated. Johnny, who I had loved so much, and held such high regard for, was gone from my life. There were no more talks. No more phone calls. No more plans to do things and becoming too busy so planning for another day.
This really destroyed me. For days, weeks, and months, I thought about what I had done wrong. Had I truly overstepped in telling Johnny out loud that I loved him? Had I been wrong in becoming so close to him? What had I done to make him leave like that? Over and over again in my mind I analyzed our conversations and tried to figure out what my mistake had been. I was so down about this, and any mention or reminder of Johnny would send me over the edge. We went to a dance together junior year; I hid the flowers, I put away the pictures, and I stored the dress somewhere in the basement. I wanted to erase him from my life.
I saw Johnny in the spring. It had been months since he disappeared. I was so shocked, but my first reaction was to run, to run after him and catch him. I burst out of the building and yelled his name. He stopped, and turned around. Johnny's smile started, then faded, and slowly he held out his hands to me. I almost ran into his arms. All of the pain and fear was gone in that moment. I wasn't angry at him. I didn't feel any pain. I was just so happy to see him. I couldn't even believe it.
The conversation was awkward, but I didn't want him to leave. I knew that it would be back to the way it had been before. We said a quiet good-bye, and I had the feeling that I would never see him again. As I walked into the building alone, I began to cry. For a few moments, the pain had been gone. It returned even stronger than before. I was so confused, and felt so abandoned. I knew he was gone again, and there would be no chance for the friendship I had so cherished to be fixed.
Johnny's younger brother, Eric**, has become a friend of mine. We had a ballroom class together the last semester of the school year. He looks so much like Johnny, and he sounds like him, too. I was worried that Eric would think I was using him as a replacement for my Johnny. I talked to him about it one night. He told me that he had never thought that, and to stop worrying about Johnny's decision. I, however, couldn't stop worrying about it. Just last week, I was thinking about Johnny and feeling the pain of his leaving again. I decided I would talk to Eric; he always has very good advice. I didn't tell him what I was really bothered by. I told Eric that I feel that I constantly hurt people, and that the things I do push them away from me. "I've lost so many people I love this year," I told him, "And I don't understand what it is that I'm doing wrong."
Eric gave me a situation to think about. "Imagine that both of my parents died in a car accident last weekend. I am extremely distraught, and I shut myself off from the world. You try to approach me to say hello, just as you normally would. I don't respond. In fact, I cut you off from me. You have no idea what has happened, and I don't feel like telling you. Does that make my actions your fault? Have you done anything to hurt me, other than being yourself and being my friend, just as you always do?"
That really made me reflect on what happened with Johnny. This past week, as I was thinking about what Eric said to me, I have realized that I didn't really do anything wrong. I was honest. I was myself. I did everything that I had always done, since the beginning of my friendship with Johnny. Perhaps, as Eric said, this isn't my fault. Perhaps Johnny is at a time in his life where he has cut himself off from the world. Perhaps I didn't hurt him; perhaps I did nothing wrong. Eric's words, and my own search for answers, have helped me to see that perhaps things just happen. People handle trials and struggles in different ways. I won't say that I am 100% ready to trust someone again. I won't say that I'm not hurt. I won't say that I'm not afraid that I will be hurt again. But now I am finding that to forgive the person who hurts you, and to forgive yourself, are the two ways to find peace.
I have learned that people hurt each other. I have been very hurt multiple times this year by people I love; the experience with Johnny is just one of them. However, it is not my job to harbor guilt, resentment, fear, and pain. I do not need to constantly analyze my actions in a situation. I do not need to take all the blame. I am not to judge another, but I am to forgive. And I am also to forgive myself.
Life is a hard thing. We meet people, we keep people, we lose people. Perhaps there are people who come into our lives for a short time to teach us, and then they leave when they are no longer needed. Perhaps there are people who come into our lives for forever, and the lessons we learn from the short term people will strengthen our ability to keep the forever people. I have learned to love despite the fear. I have learned how to love despite the pain. I have learned to forgive. I haven't completely learned everything; I'll never stop learning. But I have a foundation now. Now, it is time to move forward.
*Name has been changed
**Name has been changed
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
There will be a better post tomorrow. Maybe. If I have time. If not...sorry for the lameness.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
I watch women's hands; they posess a beauty that fascinates me but I don't really know why. Women have beautiful hands-the things they do with their hands make them even more so. The women I know have gentle, soft, busy hands. They care for themselves, for children, for friends, for strangers.
The men I know-I wouldn't say that their hands are beautiful. But I would say that their hands are strong. Strong, and still gentle.
The hands I have known and do know are gentle. They are strong. They are busy and soft. Men and women alike; my parents, my sisters, my brother. My friends' parents, my friends themselves. Neighbors, teachers, coworkers, even strangers. The simple things that they do-brushing my hair, opening a door for me, carrying groceries, driving me to school, paying for things, wiping away tears, pushing a button on the elevator-all things that people I know well and do not know well have done for me and for others.
Hands do so many things. They can destroy. They can build. They can strike. They can caress. They can wave...and they can flip you off. I have experienced all of those things because someone used their hands.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
There are things in my life that are happy. Many things. I have amazing friends. I have a wonderful family. School is going surprisingly well. I have a job that pays well. I was given a full-ride scholarship. I received two grants, so was able to pay for all of my books, fees, and get a new laptop (currently using!!). My brother gave me a car. I'm in a great choir.
So why do I feel so empty? Why can I not understand how to be happy? I see it. I taste it. I hold it in my hands and gaze at it, captured by the sparkling brilliance of the treasure. But like any precious gem or pearl, it goes back in the case, locked and under guard. I can't keep it for my own. I hold it as a loan for a few minutes or hours, but it's not mine.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
These are my words:
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
the first time
I spoke the words to you.
across my lips,
binding words that speak of
Words that speak of
The words poured from
desperate to reach out
Desperate to show you
what I'd hidden
for so long.
I told you that I love you.
The words would not stop.
to hold them back.
on my part.
But I meant it.
Yes, my friend. I meant
what I said.
That I love you.
The words have escaped;
they no longer belong
to my heart.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
I am not into self-disclosure at the moment (despite the first paragraph which just disclosed so much. More than I was planning). I'm having trust issues to say the least. But here, I find that I'm not afraid. Perhaps it is the fact that this is my space. I don't really control who reads or comments, but it's my place to put myself. This is me. Or perhaps it is because I know you-the people whose lives I read and relate to and enjoy from my bedroom. And yet, I don't know you. I don't know your faces. Any disappointment in me, I don't see. And if you stop reading, how am I to know?
Today has been rough. Very rough. There have been temptations and I was almost not strong enough. However, I put away my pride and didn't phone a friend-I texted. Yes. I text. Guilty.
Then the tears came again. The fear and loneliness and anger at my own stupidity came back. With it came the desire to do something stupid. It's like Oreo cookies: they make you feel better when you eat the whole package, but is it good for you? Eh...not so much. For short term it makes you forget, but the long term it just gives you a stomachache. So now, I'm in my space, and I'm going to put myself back where I belong. Here. With my words.
Broken girl with shattered dreams
clutching the shards tightly in her hands.
Crying from the pain of holding on,
but afraid to let the pieces go.
Once Upon a Family has tagged me with some questions!!
We are known for the happiness of the valley, the blueness of the residents, the tallness of the mountains, and the greenness of the Jell-o.
2. What was your favorite TV show when you were a kid?
Do I have to pick one? PBS stations: Arthur, Cyberchase, Liberty's Kids, Puzzle Place, Lamb Chops. Great stuff.
3. Do you have any pets?I have a white fluffy thing (Maltese Pomeranian Shi Tzu mix, or Malteraniantzu) that loves me. Her name is Misty. And there's a cat that's adopted my house...he can't come in because my sister and I are both very allergic to cats, but he comes around every day.
4. How often do you vacuum?Um...ah ha ha...not enough?
5. What would you want to do if you weren't living the life you are now?I would be singing for my supper and making lots of money to buy shoes (???????).
6. Would you rather go to a crowded supermarket on a Friday afternoon or be canning on a hot day?Supermarket! Because that's what I do anyway. And...I've never canned anything...
7. What is the best thing about your spouse?I have no spouse. But maybe someday I can answer this question.
8. If you could go to the lunch with anyone in the world who would it be?
Currently I have no desire to go to lunch with anyone. Tomorrow, however, I would probably pick my friend Shelby because I haven't seen her in 5 years and I really, really miss her.
Monday, October 11, 2010
- Not feeling tired when I woke up
- My new purple sweater that I bought. Which I love. And that I actually think makes me look pretty.
- Understanding the math concepts that I missed last week while gone from school at the doctor/in bed
- Learning something new in Institute (even though it was kind of a slap in the face for me)
- Getting an A on my English paper
- Friends posting random notes on my Facebook page and making me smile
- Long text conversations
- Talking to a good friend about a problem and being taught so many new things
- Being blown kisses
- Dancing with my 3-year-old friend who is an absolute little doll
- Being hugged
- Knowing that a boy thinks you're cute, and knowing he respects you by treating you in a kind, friendly manner. No strings attached.
- Making a new friend
Sunday, October 10, 2010
In the figurative sense...ever feel like you're needed by so many people but they forget that once in awhile you might need them? I know I'm rather selfish, but I'm feeling very tired and worn down. There are people who I want to help and be strong for. Sometimes I just get a little bit tired. For example:
I have many friends who are several years younger than I am. I count them as some of my closest friends, in fact. And there is probably only one of them who isn't struggling with something similar to what I went through at that age. One young friend in particular is having a really rough time.
He doesn't think he's good enough for anything or anybody. He engages in behaviors that at times make me want to smack him and at other times send me to my room crying because I'm so afraid for him. Last night was frightening. All of this group of friends of mine went to a theatre competition. I got a text from him in the evening after the awards ceremony. He didn't do as well as he'd hoped, and that kind of sent him over the edge. It was very scary for me; here I am at home, so far away from him, unable to do anything more than what I can do over the phone.
The feeling of helplessness that comes with these situations is so hard for me. I want my friends to be happy! I want them to be safe and know that they are loved. These relationships with my friends have given me a greater appreciation for the people who stuck with me when I was at my lowest points. Now I see how hard it was on them, to talk in circles and watch me keep doing the same things. I see how hard it is on them now, even though I personally am doing better. They keep sticking it out. It makes me want to try harder.
So yes. Today, it is very hard to breathe. I think I'm going to go back to bed.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Lately I'm seeing a new side of myself as my subconscious, sleepy mind wakes. I scream, I yell, I cry, I break lamps and punch walls. I say incredibly insensitive, mean things to people who don't deserve them, and I say even meaner things to people who might need to hear a little bit of...something (not to say it needs to come from me). In short, my dream self is a rather brutal, violent, angry person.
I don't like that.
What problems is my mind trying to solve? Sure, I'm probably reading too much into this, but I'm curious. Am I as "healed" as I pretend I am? Have I really forgiven the people who I feel have hurt me? Am I incredibly selfish? I feel very selfish. Sometimes so selfish I'm ashamed of myself. And some days I really do feel so very, very hurt and betrayed. Honestly, nothing really bad has happened. I wasn't beaten or anything like that. It's more the feeling of being abandoned. Which is in itself ridiculous. I'm not an abandoned person. My family and my friends are here. God is always here.
It doesn't always feel that way.
These dreams are bothering me. A lot.
Friday, October 8, 2010
- The antibiotics are different enough that "she should be fine"
- This particular antibiotic really kicks my particular problem in the butt, and the faster its butt gets kicked the better off I'll be
- I really didn't want to end up in the hospital so I wanted that kick quick
Here's what we decided to do: I was to get the medicine at the pharmacy and go visit my sister at the hospital. After arriving, I was to take the medicine and wait to see if I had an allergic reaction. If said reaction occurred (no matter how I spell this word it looks wrong, so I'm leaving it), I was to inform a nurse and get treated right away. If said reaction never happened, I was to go home and rest.
This is where the term "experimentation" gets taken to a new level. I did as the doctor instructed. I, however, had an advantage: I was not trying this at home. There was a fully trained medical staff just outside the door. Granted they had no idea what was going on, but in my mind it was good. And it made me feel super dangerous. Insert sniggering here.
I took the drugs. And guess what? Nothing. Happened. Which is why I'm sitting at home in the office writing of my drug adventure right at this moment.
We can now officially declare that the question: "will she have an allergic reaction" gets a negatory. The hypothesis: "she'll be fine due to the nearly two decade time lapse" gets a thumbs up.
(that doesn't really work...I've just always wanted to say that.)
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Hospitals are interesting places. Happy things take place here. Sad things take place here. People laugh. People cry. People are born. And people die. That rhyme was unintentional. You get the point. Anyway, as I've been sitting here I'm realizing that hospitals are very complex settings. So many different events take place here. So many different experiences. While one couple is exclaiming over their perfect new baby, another couple could be suddenly faced with the fact that their long awaited little one will never come home. One person could be tenderly helping their soul mate into the car, while another might be saying good-bye for the last time. It's all so fascinating to me, this idea that so many lives are being lived while we are so very unaware of one another.
In this world we're so connected-Facebook, blogging, cell phones, email-we're so very much involved with one another. And yet, there are still so many strangers. How do we affect other people? How are we affected by others? How do all of the unintentional connections affect us, like when you make eye contact with a stranger in the hallway? That happened to me downstairs; a woman and I made eye contact as I was going in the elevator and she was coming out. She was sad, yet she smiled at me. I was sad, yet I smiled at her. Did we help each other? Despite our backgrounds and personal struggles, did we perhaps make one another stronger for just a little while?
Then again I could be crazy...good night.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
HOLY FREAKIN' COW I am such a slacker.
So it's October. My last post? April. I feel like a whole chunk of my life has disappeared.
And I know I say this every time: I WILL CHANGE!!! Well...I probably won't. Not overnight. But I will try.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
- BYU Ballroom performance
- Jordan's house
- Ruthie's house-Howl's Moving Castle
BYU Ballroom-My family and I went to the matinee performance of BYU Ballroom Company's show "Encore". It was really, really cool. Some things that I learned:
- Choreographers really, really like Cha Chas, sambas, and waltzes.
- The opening theme of "Pirates of the Caribbean" is a waltz.
- The West Coast Swing champion couple from California? Well-they can be outdanced.
- Costumes really can make or break a dance.
- You can do ballroom dance to hymns!? Yes.
- I suck at ballroom.
- I really, really, really. Suck. At ballroom.
One really cool thing about going to this was that the man we sat to was the guy who taught the ballroom dance couple on the Lawrence Welk Show (spelling?). He used to have a studio in California, and he taught Bobby and the girl he danced with. That was really cool. He told us a lot of stuff about touring and teaching, and he was really nice, too.Jordan's House-I don't really remember why, but somehow Ruthie and I ended up at Jordan's house (again). We both knew that he was going on a date with Martie to the ballroom performance I'd seen that morning, but we went over anyways. I thought he'd left an hour before, but apparently he hadn't because he was the one who answered the door. Martie and Jordan had decided that she would wear her red Homecoming dress and he would wear his Chamber Choir tux to match her, just for fun. He opened the door all dressed up, and he was wearing his "highway patrol man" sunglasses, and the first thought in my mind was "Oh, gosh. He is hot." And then I felt bad; I don't have a crush on him or anything, and besides, that's disloyal to my best friend. It's a fine line, and I feel like I cross it quite frequently. Makes me feel bad. :P
Anyway, Ruthie and I stayed after Jordan left and hung out with Jason and the kids. They invited us to eat dinner with them (which I did-first time), and then we helped clean up the dishes. A waterfight almost broke out, but only just. I love helping out at their house. It's really fun, and Jason and I mess with each other all the time.
Pretty soon Ruthie's mom called and asked if we wanted to go over to Ruthie's house to watch a movie. That sounded like a good idea, so we did!! And it was fun:
Howl's Moving Castle-So, the book and the movie are very different. And I, personally, think that Howl looks WAY too much like a girl/is too beautiful. It kind of bothered me the whole movie. Other than that it was pretty good. I enjoyed it.
Sitting next to Jason was more enjoyable though. I felt kind of awkward, because the couch was full of people and we were really close, and I was super tired. I was afraid I was going to fall asleep and land on his shoulder or something. Ruthie let me borrow a jacket (which once belonged to Aries kid), and I kind of used that as a pillow. I still felt kind of paranoid, because secretly I found myself actually wanting to be close to him. Stupid girl. I'm ridiculous.
Jordan came over a little later, and he and Ruthie went to buy poster board for their drama assignment which they both forgot about. Jason and Kyle drove me home, and I got a hug again! Hugs from friends are the greatest ever, really.
It was a good last day of break.
Rehearsal-It started out with another rehearsal for "The Valiant" (hereafter referred to as "T.V."). David wasn't able to come, so I had to do my first scene without him. Adam took David's lines and read them in I kid you not the flattest, most boring monotone I have ever heard in my entire life, once in awhile broken by an accent somewhere between Mexican and Middle Eastern. Try playing off of THAT. It was interesting, hard, annoying, AND a good learning experience because I had to keep in character despite the funky voices/boring. Then, after we ran through the show twice, we timed it sitting down reading our lines. 26 minutes. That's long for a student directed one-act. It'll be more like 30 minutes when we finally set everything. Longest one-act of the year. Jasmine is going to talk to Mr. Criman (drama teacher) to see if that's still okay, since he was the one who gave her the show in the first place. We shall see what happens.
And I just have to say-Adam makes everything awkward. On purpose. Because he can. And all the same, I pretty much love that kid. He is so awesome.
Soccer-Next came a soccer game over at the junior high school. Brad invited me, and this was who was there (at least those I know): Tiana, Rachael, Tucker, Brad (of course), Justin, Nick, Hugh, Jason (different one), Jared, and Kevin. I think I got everybody. It was fun-I'm in better shape than I thought I was. The only problems were that it was a little bit cold, and then Tucker fell on his wrist. I could tell that it was swollen, but nobody seemed sure as to what to do. It was kind of ironic; I was surrounded by Eagle Scouts and I was the only who thought to get him some ice and some pain killer with swelling reducer in it. He wouldn't go for the ace bandage wrap idea, so ice it was. Tiana, Tucker, and I drove down to the gas station, nearly getting hit in the parking lot twice by girls backing out without looking. >.<Some interesting things happened with Kevin. I went and sat down by him because he wasn't feeling well, and he commented that instead of buying a bag of ice I should have just used a water cup and filled it with ice from the soda machine. "It would've been less of a pain, and it's free if you do it that way. Sort of obvious, you know?" It kind of bugged me a little bit. Kevin is my friend, but whenever I'm around him I feel like he thinks everything I do is stupid or silly or far below his level of intelligence and practicality. The only reply I can think of in times like this, such as with the ice, is "Yeah, I guess it was obvious. I'm just not as smart as you." And then he gets this sad look on his face and his eyes go to the ground. He shakes his head and says, "You put yourself down a lot. You shouldn't do that."
Eagle Project-I invited the boys and Ruthie to come over to my house to watch Surf's Up, and Jason and Jordan said they would come "on one condition-that you come to the movie theater tomorrow at 3:00 to help out with Jordan's Eagle Project."
Well, seeing as Jordan is pretty much one of my best friends, there is no way I would miss his Eagle Project unless it was completely unavoidable, so their conditions for a movie party at my house were rather useless. I left a little bit early from the soccer game to go over to the theater where Jordan had planned to plant flowers, trees, and bushes. The older boys/men were also going to be removing some dead trees (chainsaw time). Several of my other good friends were there: Adam (different one), Andrew, Paul, Joseph, Ann, Jane, of course Ruthie, her sisters and mom, and Jordan's family. I was the first one there after Ruthie. I sat down to tell her about the soccer game while we were taking pansies out of pots to put into the ground. I heard someone behind me, and I looked at Ruthie and said "Jason's going to come scare me, isn't he?"
Yep. And even though I knew he was there and heard him say, "What if I came up behind you and did this?" I was super scared and totally screamed when he grabbed me. Pretty much the most outrageous thing he has done since the ice fight (did I ever say anything about that? *smirk*). He's pretty shy, most of the time. Somehow I managed to "chip that shell", as Ruthie called it, and now he teases me like crazy. I think it's funny, and it's kind of fun at the same time.
Anyway, the girls at the project were put in charge of planting flowers in the garden, and the boys got to plant the trees. Jason and I planted four juniper bushes in the time it took Ruthie and Jordan to plant two. Not to mention ours looked nice; they weren't crooked and they were spaced evenly. One word of caution-junipers are pretty but they bite. Seriously, those things are so poky. Then Ruthie and I were assigned to take down some Christmas lights that had been left up on the fence from winter. Problem: Ruthie and I are both under 5' 5". The fence was six feet tall. Tip toes!! To pass the time (we couldn't talk because we had to start on opposite ends of the fence) I practiced my songs for the Ariosa recital at the end of the month. Apparently the man in charge of the musical theatre part of the movie theater (they do a lot of live productions, especially in the summer at the outdoor stage) could hear me through the fence and wants me to come audition. Exciting? Yeah...pretty much. :)
All of the work got done in under 2 hours. Excellent.
Surf's Up-So my youngest sister is a total flirt. And if kind of bugs me. A lot.
THAT aside, it was a BLAST!! Jason is hilarious, Kyle is so sweet, Jordan is adorable, and Ruthie is a doll. Ruthie fell asleep halfway through the movie because she was super worn out. She and Jordan are so cute; he takes really good care of her. I mean, they're "just friends" in a sense, but they really like each other. Then Jason-what am I going to do with him? He's crazy!! Amanda kept slamming me all night, and everytime he'd hit her in the face with a pillow. She'd try to retaliate and miss. And they all spent a lot of time trying to get me to blush. It's a favorite past time of the two oldest boys. They think it's so funny. Well-it's not. Just because "it should be illegal for somebody to blush as much as you do!!" (thank you, Jordan). Gosh. Haha.
Oh, and tonight was the first time that Jason hugged me voluntarily. He's done it once before, but that was only because we'd just gotten home from a date and Jordan kept looking at him like, "Come on. Do something!" It was quite hilarious. Tonight was nice though. It was just a hug, nothing more. Yay, we're friends!! :D
Basically it was a good day. I love my friends.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
- Hungry-no desire to actually eat
- Exhausted-too much fun
- Sore-Eagle Project, soccer game
- Headache-sunburned/see hungry
- Warm-borrowed Ruthie's jacket (which used to be Aries's-lol)
- Confused-Aries is still in my mind, but then...what about him?
- Distracted-on purpose for various reasons
The exploits of this Friday and Saturday will be posted later on. I'm too tired right now. :)
Thursday, April 8, 2010
When I got home I cleaned some of the house. Most of the living room was all ready finished, but no one had vacuumed. So I did it. And I did it while singing! Because nobody can hear you when the vacuum is running. And then I found out that I was the only one home so it wouldn't have mattered. Then I sang without the vacuum running. Haha. I also sorted all of the games that we have because they've been a MESS and it's been driving me nuts. But every time I think of it, I'm all ready engaged in a task or event. Not so today!! I spent fifteen minutes taking everything out of the cupboard, arranging it all by size, trying to stick it back in with some attempt at order, pulling it out again, and trying over again to get it all nice and neat. I think I succeeded. I think.
Know why I cleaned the house? It wasn't for fun; I don't particularly enjoy it. However, it was for a very good reason. Jason and Jordan and Kyle are coming over tomorrow (and hopefully Ruthie but I forgot to call her tonight-oops)!!!!! Now for intros:
- Jordan-my friend since 8th grade drama class, Jordan is amazing beyond belief. He is a notorious flirt but never hurts anybody. He's incredibly handsome. He's funny, clever, kind, and so full of energy I wish I could bottle it up and sell whatever he runs on because I'd be a millionaire. He truly is a guy worth having around.
- Jason-notice I wrote his name first? Lol...he's Jordan's older brother. He's quite possibly the sweetest young man I have ever met in my life. He is, like his brother, also very handsome. He's very shy and doesn't talk much, but when he does you better be paying attention because it's always hilarious. Or very wise. He took me on a date last week (most awkward date of my life because it was actually a date-lol) and it was fun. Really, lots of fun.
- Kyle-Jordan's younger brother. I'm not sure what to make of him except that he's smart, funny, shy, and quiet. He's more like Jason than Jordan is. At least so far. He's my youngest sister's age, so he's got some growing left. I really, really enjoy having him as a friend.
- Ruthie-I ADORE this girl. She is, without a doubt, my best friend. She's beautiful, funny, a klutz extraordinaire, so talented, kind, and loving. I don't know how I've gotten on without her before. We've always known each other, back since 7th grade. But we've never really, really known each other until about a month or so ago. Things just brought us together. Now we're almost inseparable. When I'm without her, people ask me, "Where's Ruthie?" She told me it's the same when I'm not with her. I kind of love it. The only sad thing is this: she'll be moving the week after graduation, about three hours away to go to school at USU. Three hours isn't a huge deal, I know, but that's a lot different than three minutes. We'll get along, but it'll be kind of hard.
Dad and I visited BYU today because the new Freshman Mentoring program (required for all new students-you select a group of classes, and if the class you want isn't listed among those you can't take it. At all. Period. So that's why I'm not taking Science this semester because I've all ready completed Biology and I'd fail Chemistry) was giving me issues. The mentor I talked to, a really nice girl named Clarissa, helped me pick a class bundle (one required GE credit and a religion class). I'll be taking Comparative Lit. Honors and Book of Mormon 121 for sure. I can't add any more classes until July. Retarded. All of the ones I need/want will be full. :P
BYU is terrifying. It's so huge, and it's going to be so hard. I feel so completely alone on campus, especially after dad left to go pick mom up from school. I sat outside the art museum waiting for him to come back and get me feeling indescribably tiny. The only reason why I didn't start to cry was because it would be super awkward. The good part was that a guy walked past me and dropped his binder. I picked it up and gave it to him, and he started talking to me. His name was Chase Presley, and his bag told me that he is a member of the Ballroom Company at the school. He was really, really nice and talked to me for awhile. I hope there are a lot of people like him there. Maybe it won't be so bad.
Jasmine invited me over to her house to watch the new episode of "Bones". It was pretty good. Before we watched it, we (Jasmine, Alexis, Trevor, Melinda, and me) made pizza, looked at magazines with ridiculous and sometimes AWKWARD things you never knew you needed in them, and had bubble blowing contests in our drinks with the bendy straws Jaz found. Haha. I won. 37 seconds of bubble blowing, AND I was laughing so I was running out of air faster. We laughed so hard tonight. It was the best.
Then Kevin came over (the man of my dreams who is completely out of my league, which is why I don't pursue a crush on him, lol) and I felt uncomfortable. Mostly because I feel so intimidated by him. He's so amazing-SUPER, SUPER intelligent, spiritual beyond belief, really tall (really), good looking, clever, caring...everything. But anyways, it was a lot of fun. The two of us ended up on the couch next to one another, helping deal out cards for those playing Candyland to keep anyone from cheating. I feel kind of bad though, because he'll tease me or make fun of me about something and it totally leaves a hole open for me to get him back. Sometimes it might be a little bit less kind than I intended. Ugh...I'll have to work on that.
And now I'm feeling a little bit fragile again. I wonder why that happens; great time with friends who I know care about me, and yet I feel like I'm breaking apart again. I don't enjoy that part of things. So I'm going to go to bed, because it's been a long day and tomorrow will be even longer. It will be good-I know it will be good. Look, I'll show you:
- Call BYU and change my major (yes-it's changed again. I'll tell you later. :) )
- Rehearsal at Adam's house
- Soccer with friends at Lakeridge (Brad invited me!! No one from that group [Kevin's friends who are my friends too but not so much good friends anymore-it kind of died] has invited me to do anything with them in about 2 and a half years!!)
- Jordan's Eagle Project at the Scera
- Get ready for people to come over
- PARTY with Jason, Jordan, Kyle, and Ruthie!!
...this. is. so...
It's because of last night. Before there was always an outlet for the barrage of thoughts. There was a way to get rid of the persistent badgering because the tools were actually available (and no, I don't do drugs). But now they're gone, because I decided to get rid of them. I decided I was going to fight the voices of "you can't", "you're a loser", "you deserve the pain, and you know it will help". Instead of embracing the pricking words as truth, I would throw them off into the dirt and walk away.
But I am truly not prepared. The voices and feelings, perhaps even chemicals in my body, are strong (or not strong enough, if it still is chemical). They jab in the weakest places, because they know them all. They have been advancing steadily for years; all of the soft spots are well mapped. Onward they charge, throwing all of their force at the still open wounds.
And, somehow, I seem to have misplaced my shield.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
...I made a decision tonight...
It was done without thought and out of desperation, a feeling that I have been plagued with for a few days. More like months, actually. I just didn't know it or wouldn't recognize it. I've been fighting off feelings of every kind for a long time; there's no time for emotion, or pain, for that matter, anymore.
But sometimes things happen that crack the pretense of confidence and security. And it truly is pretense. The happy, friendly exterior of a person often hides darker, deeper thoughts and fears. Fears which might even be suppressed and hidden from oneself. It can be shame, or guilt, or escape from pain, or anger at having such feelings. But they are still there: the doubts, the faults, the weaknesses. Each person, struggling day by day through their own personal troubles. Many of which no one will ever know. Many of which, I believe, occur most often inside hearts and minds.
Friendships fail; relationships die. New ones begin, but in all cases the past creeps its fingers into the heart and pries open old wounds-the fear of repeated pain causes one to fall inward. It is the same for things dreamed of, for things hoped for. The long awaited triumph that never comes, the bitter disappointment of being so close, but not making the mark. Dreams, once unwrapped gently like shining glass ornaments and viewed with starry eyes, are placed in dusty boxes and forgotten. Hopes, left untended and alone, shrivel and die like a flower gone too long without water. The continual pain of disappointment often leaves one an empty shell, merely existing. Not truly living.
Every person carries scars. Some scars are only skin deep, with stories behind them, whether sad or brave. Other scars are more painful. Scars of rejection; scars of failure; scars of shame; scars of guilt. Even love causes scars. And sometimes, the personal struggles can leave permanent, easily viewed damage. Broken skin, torn and bleeding, releasing the pain one cannot understand. Broken hearts, brutally ripped apart, beating unevenly in a sobbing gasp. Broken things, tender children with souls of sorrow, faces bent to the ground. For we are all children, in a way. We are all, very much, children, broken and beaten by the world.
I was once told to follow my heart. To do what I wanted most; to be what I wanted to be. I asked them what it meant to follow my heart. In response, I was told "to do what your heart tells you". With a shrug, I replied, "You know, I don't know what my heart tells me to do. It beats-I exist. Nothing more."
I know now what I want; I know what my heart's desire is. And this decision-this choice-I pray will set me on the path to what I long for most. It will not be easy, for I am learning that the best choices are often times the most painful. I feel that pain now-the fear to let go-the pain that brings quiet tears and tremors from head to foot. It's terrifying, in more ways than one. But the alternative? The alternative is even more frightening.
My choice has been made. My course is set. The path I have begun will not take me back to where I was earlier this evening. I cannot go back. It will not ever be easy, not as long as I live. But I will learn. I will fail at times, but I will learn how to hope. I will learn how to dream.
Friday, April 2, 2010
I do want to update though, because for one I type faster than I can handwrite so it makes journaling easier, and second I want to share. And this is what I wanted to share today:
Now, I don't usually believe in horoscopes or fortune cookies or anything, but today's was particularly appropriate. Here's what it said:
"Letting yourself get emotional over bad stuff is healthy. Don't rush through it, Capricorn."
WELL, then...guess what? Totally PERFECT for today, except for one thing. The reason I've been "emotional over bad stuff" of late is due to a young Aries. In other words, a young man who is, in fact, an Aries. And today I talked to him about said emotion (he asked). And today Aries was my compatible sign.
Monday, February 8, 2010
I found out today that I have to wear a mic for "Seasons of Love". Only it's a weird mic. It's called: a hair mic. You clip it to your hair in two places, at the base of your hair line and at the back of your scalp. Then you tape it to your neck. Then you put it into a bag around your waist or, in some cases, in a pouch near your chest.
The problem with a hair mic is that it's very obvious. I mean, it kind of looks like a piece of fluff of peanut butter or gum stuck in your hair right above your forehead. SO, you have to hide it somehow. Since it was just tech rehearsal we weren't too concerned about hiding the mics right then, but we had to think about it for the performances. I wonder how I'm going to fix my hair over it...
The tech rehearsal was long, but not super long for me because my specialty number was at the very beginning of the program. As soon as I was done I left. When I got home I was feeling really down. I was frustrated with the rehearsal, I was nervous about upcoming tests, AND my costumes still weren't done. My mom had had a ton of math homework so she couldn't help me, and I don't know how to sew that sort of stuff. We called a lady in my ward, and she agreed to help but then her husband called back an hour later to tell us that she'd come down really sick.
I didn't know what to do. I pulled out the neighborhood directory and looked up people who I know can sew. I found Sister Baird's number, who helped with my skirt before. I called her and asked if she could help me hem the skirt and fix the length of the bodice, and she said she'd help me.
Goodness gracious, she did help me!! Plus her husband showed my dad how they'd done the kitchen, and I've decided that I want a kitchen like they have when I grow up. Talk about counters!! You can never have too much counterspace, I think.
So it's been working out again. :)
Sunday, February 7, 2010
- Drank orange juice
- Cough syrup every 4 hours
- Ibuprofen every 6-8 hours
- Ate/drank chicken broth
Tomorrow is Monday. *sigh* I am not ready for it yet.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
I'm so glad it's the weekend. Hopefully this will all work out and I'll be able to perform.
Speaking of working out, I need to get my costumes finished. The purple dress my grandma sewed together is too long in the torso, and the blue skirt that Sister Baird did is too long and comes to my ankles. See? Short.
Friday, February 5, 2010
"Grease" is first on the program after the opening choir number. We finally got everything set on the stage and all of the spacing worked out. Finally. It was kind of frustrating because a couple of people didn't want to be moved or consistently said that they couldn't move two feet fast enough (which they really could, because they did it three times). But it did get worked out, and I think it's going to go all right for the concert. I can't believe it's a week from today all ready.
"America" was scheduled to practice in the foyer of the auditorium during the same time as the specialty numbers, so that was a bit of a problem. Jeremiah wasn't particularly happy with that because there were five people in "Grease" and "America", and then there were boys in specialty numbers right after "Grease". So...it was interesting. I couldn't even dance full out for either number, and I couldn't sing very well because I've still been really sick. Ugh.
Let's hope this works out.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
- People not paying attention during rehearsals, therefore wasting valuable time
- Rehearsal overlaps
- Techie-performer clashes (luckily I don't have to worry about it because I'm friends with pretty much every single techie [Thespian Troupe 3490 for the win!!] but still...it's annoying when two groups of friends don't like each other at all [West Side Story, anyone?])
- The short girls and boys in the "Amereeca" dance being stuck on the back row while the tall girls and boys get put on the front row (most of whom can't even dance as well as the short people)
- Singers who stand still with no movement whatsoever and the song dies
- People not showing up to rehearsals that they really did know about but "forgot"
- Getting sick and getting steadily worse with the concert one week away
- Being half an hour late to rehearsal because of mentioned illness
- People not taking costumes seriously
- Costume that took so much time and so much effort being too long in the torso (short!!)
- Tiana is an amazing friend
- Jordan is an amazing friend
- Paul is an amazing friend and gives really, really good massages. He is my new headache medicine.
- Lots and lots of people have come up to me to tell me that I'm a good dancer
- I have a soft, soft, soft bed
- Mrs. Davis said that I'm doing fantastic on the samba and that she's very pleased with how quickly I've caught up then moved ahead
- Brad (BYU Young Ballroom Dance Team member) being my partner for the test next Tuesday in Ballroom
- Kevin agreeing to be my math tutor
- Andrew's outrageously HIDEOUS colorful shirt with ridiculous patterns all over it that he's wearing for the show because "it's flamboyant and colorful and that's what they wanted for the Sharks" while yelling out "Lawn-da-ree (laundry), ah ha ha!!" during "Amereeca" when we sing about having washing machines. It totally made my day.
- Being able to sleep in tomorrow despite afternoon rehearsals because there's no school!!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Anyways, usually people not taking the test get to stay home from school until 10:00 am. People generally go to breakfast or sleep in. No sleeping in for A Cappella students. Yesterday and today were the morning rehearsals for "Seasons of Love". 7:45 am - 10:00 am. Also costume checks for all people involved. Mine are mostly done; one is too long and the other one is...too long. SHORT.
It's been crazy. Loud, boring, crazy, and tiring. It's also been fun, for the most part. I've just been very tired, and kind of really sick. My voice is leaving!! Not a good thing at all. And I'm worried about a lot of stuff, and I'm pretty sure my friend(s) isn't/aren't going to come see the show even though he/they told me that he/they would. *sigh* Oh, well!! I'm finding out that I have a LOT more friends that I thought I did, and they're all pretty wonderful.
Good night, now. :)
Monday, February 1, 2010
Anyways, Louise (the one I found out has been watching me for several years) called me today to tell me that they'd chosen a different applicant for the position, BUT...she "was very impressed by your interview and thought you did very well, so I wanted to let you know that several library page positions will be opening up later this week and they'll be posted online. Just in case you're interested."
Um...how can I not be excited about that? Louise is the director of the Human Relations department, the Publicity department, and the Public Events department. She's kind of important, and she liked me!! So that was a definite plus to the day, and kind of to my life.
I have some things to remember when times get tough again. I'm still badgered with depressing thoughts (if depression had innings I'd be at the bottom of the ninth with bases loaded and two outs, coming up to bat with a sledgehammer and a cannon for the pitcher...it's been really bad) but now I have some things to combat them with that are fresh in my mind. I'm crossing my fingers that it will get better. Not to mention I'm somehow having words float around in my head like mad and all I have to do is reach out, grab them, and place them in the correct order on paper.
I'm very confused by all of this. Three weeks of utter darkness and there's suddenly all this light. It's so weird.
Oh, today. Weird. Time doesn't seem to take so very long anymore, except on days where I only have two classes and can't wait for study hall to get over so I can go home (having four classes one day and two the other make for very long A-days). I feel like it should still be three weeks before Christmas.
I was very glad that it was a short day today (Mondays are early out days; school ends an hour earlier than normal), and that it was a B-day so I only had two classes. This meant that I could possibly be able to sneak my transcript into the UVU Admissions Office to try and finish up applying for the scholarship I've been working on. I was terrified of doing it (essay question had five parts, one of which was "why are you valuable to the community" or something like it and my first thought: I have no value! *panic and close browser window then go cry for two hours then fall asleep*). I learned something: fear can cause procrastination. Wonderful. :P
Anyways, the point of the story is that they accepted my transcript because the deadline didn't become effective until 5:00 pm, when the office closed. I got mine in at 10:30. Hallelujah!! I was so excited and relieved that I actually skipped down the walk, making several older college students look over their shoulders at me and raise their eyebrows. Then I decided to check the time left on the parking meter where the car parked next to me was. It said 00:00 minutes...so I decided to pay for another 40 minutes for them because I was so ecstatic and happy and just...what's a synonym for relieved?
That was when I started to get tired. I mean REALLY tired. I came home, fed myself and my dog, and decided to lie down for twenty minutes or so. Five hours later I woke up. And the weird thing is this: I've been awake for only six hours after that "nap" and I'm exhausted. Maybe it's because I know what's in store for tomorrow. Ugh. Busy day. But I'm excited for it, too, or at least telling myself that I am. We shall see.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
With those words, I wrote the first things that came to mind and titled it "You Missed". I don't know if this worked out at all, but I feel better for some reason.
You came to me
late one night,
when the shadows
made pictures on the walls,
creeping along the fence
and hiding from the
touch of the
You came to me
with tears in your voice,
your head hanging,
ashamed to be
feeling the way
that you were.
You asked me for help,
and I gave it.
You came to me
and asked me
to catch you,
to be there when
you were falling.
You asked me
to reach out,
and I did.
Now it’s my turn
to come to you,
when the shadows
creep into my heart
leaving their walls
to darken my mind.
I came to you,
how I felt.
for I knew
that you’d catch me
as I started
And you missed.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
lips: split (i've been worried of late)
I feel too much sadness, and no matter how I try I cannot find ways to push it aside to make room for any joy.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Oh, it's that time again. No matter what I'm doing, that name keeps racing around and around in my head: in math class, while polishing choreography, cleaning my room, everything I've done today. What I would give to hear his voice, or even read words that he typed.
You know that you've become really good friends with someone when you ache for them. It's so hard having the person who somehow knows you the best and who you're closest to live too far away to see everyday, or even once a week.
And so my wish tonight: for him to be happy, and to somehow be able to hear his voice.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
On the contrary, Mrs. Wilde (the costume mistress for the whole show) was very pleased, especially when her daughter told her that I have no experience whatsoever with this (8th grade does not count; we didn't even cut out patterns. They were all ready finished and then my friend helped me do all the rest because I was so confused). She agreed when I said I was taking about 6 inches off of the skirt (yep...I'm short) so it would hit mid-calf, and she loves the idea of wearing a fluffy petticoat underneath (thank you PCT costume closet). She also loved the blouse and asked where I got it so she could tell other girls in choir.
Then I told her about the Anita costume: dark purple with glittery pinkish sparkles all over it, a medium full skirt, and a tie around the waist that makes a big bow in the front. Then there's going to be gold drop earrings, a gold necklace, my hair curled with half up half down (that was her idea; she told me "it's too gorgeous to hide in a bun!! We're keeping it visible, girl!!") and possibly a flower in my hair, like a yellow lily or big white carnation or something. Not red, it'd look funny with the purple fabric.
So, yeah. Mrs. Wilde seems happy, and she said she is really glad that I've taken it so seriously. A lot of people haven't even started looking for costumes, and some of the stuff people have found is way too modern because they didn't do the costume research assignment. I didn't really need to; my family is so into theatre that all of that just seems to come naturally.
Nana and I pinned the pattern pieces onto the fabric together. I started helping with cutting it out, but my scissors are terrible and the fabric was really slippery, so it wasn't working. I sat with Nana and talked about different things; the skiing events that were on the TV, my mom and her brother when they were little (mom was a lot like me; we both started talking when we were about 8 months old. In complete sentences. ??), scriptures, sewing, and the play coming up in the summer at PCT ("Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat"). It was kind of cool to just talk with her.
When we got finished, dad and Nana started talking about lots of different things, too. I don't remember much; I was so tired that I was focusing on trying not to fall asleep. We decided to go at about 7:30. On our way, I asked if we could stop by Zach's house so I could just say hi. I miss him so much that it hurts (literally-it's driving me crazy). I didn't think dad would go for it, but he did!!
I only stayed for about 30 seconds on the front porch. Daniel opened the door and jumped on me to give me a hug. Then before I even finished asking if Zach was home, he skidded into the room looking very excited. All of a sudden he became very worried and grabbed me while asking if something was wrong. It kind of made me laugh; I've been told lately that I don't look well at all (wonder why) and apparently he agrees. I gave him the note I wrote just in case he wasn't home, then said good-bye. He looked disappointed, but I told him dad was out in the car and he understood. It was so good to see him, even for a few seconds. I don't know what it is about him, but he just makes me want to keep moving forward.
It was a good thing we stopped. We were almost at the freeway when I felt something poking me and realized I had forgotten to give Nana the zipper, thread, and dress hooks. Haha. Oops. So dad turned around and we went back. I'm glad he wasn't mad at me. That would have been very bad.
Things keep working out. I feel lousy, shattered (still), and exhausted, but things are working out. Seeing my best friend has helped a lot; today was better. Not to mention I only had two classes so I came home and slept for three hours. And I drove Jordan home again today, and talking to him was really great.
Oh, did I tell you how much I hate ballroom? Well...that's getting better, too. One of the boys in my grade, Garrett, taught my class on Tuesday because Mrs. Davis was gone. Several times when there was a partner rotation and I'd end up alone (we have 16 girls in the class and 10 boys), he'd come dance with me. It was very, very helpful. He talked to me after class and told me that when I have a good lead, I do very well "which is kind of how it goes in ballroom, so don't beat yourself up about it."
Today I was talking to him again, and he was thinking out loud about ways that he could maybe help me. Then, out of nowhere, he jumped up and yelled "Oh! I am so blindfolding you next time!!" Then he explained why: when I was dancing with him I realized that I kept fighting his lead. I was just doing it subconsciously, and even though I'd figured it out I couldn't stop. Garrett said he wants to try having me dance without being able to see so I have to rely on a lead. That is going to be nerve wracking.
It's been interesting this week. Overall I'd rate it as a 2 out of 10 the way I feel, but the way things are going? Probably an 8 out of 10.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
I have learned that when this voice says things that you listen to it. So I did. I got on the computer and hit Facebook. A friend of mine was on. I sat there staring at his name, debating on whether or not to say hello. I don't like initiating conversations with friends; I'm afraid that they'll be bothered or won't want to talk at the moment. I finally decided to click on the name and said hello, then I asked a question: "What makes you happy?"
At the time I was feeling horrible. Yesterday was another bad day (though not as bad as Monday) and I was definitely shattered. But as I talked to my friend, I found that he's hurting a lot more than I am but he's much more alone.
We talked until 2 in the morning. I hope it helped him, and I hope he knows how much I care about him. He's such a great person, and a wonderful friend. I wish I could do more. Hopefully I'll think of something, or that the little voice will come back and nudge me in the right direction.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Well...now I "sew". Or I at least do the steps it takes to have someone help me sew. I now know how to:
- read a pattern for yardage, measurements/sizes, etc.
- find a pattern
- find fabric that will work with pattern
- tell the different between an invisible zipper and an all-purpose zipper
- tell the different between a 20 in. zipper and a 7 in. zipper (stupid)
- figure out what interfacing is
- choose patterns to fit body shape/type
- read pattern directions
- cut out pattern pieces
- iron out pattern pieces on a temperature where the paper just flattens and doesn't burn
- mark fabric
- pin patterns
- cut out fabric with pattern pieces laid out WITH the grain
The costumes are for "Seasons of Love". One is for "Grease" (blue skirt), and the other is for "West Side Story"/pre-show character (purple dress). I'm scared I've screwed them both up, but hopefully I didn't.
In short, I don't sew. BUT now I do the other stuff. Woot. :P