...this. is. so...
...hard...
...and it's only day one...
I knew it would be hard. I knew it would be super hard, but never like this. There have been two thoughts in my mind, constant, no matter what I may be doing. The first concerns the aforementioned Aries and my confusion, fear, and hurt by our mutual failures and betrayals. That's no news-it's been going on for weeks. The second, however, was never this constant, this, well, urgent.
It's because of last night. Before there was always an outlet for the barrage of thoughts. There was a way to get rid of the persistent badgering because the tools were actually available (and no, I don't do drugs). But now they're gone, because I decided to get rid of them. I decided I was going to fight the voices of "you can't", "you're a loser", "you deserve the pain, and you know it will help". Instead of embracing the pricking words as truth, I would throw them off into the dirt and walk away.
It's because of last night. Before there was always an outlet for the barrage of thoughts. There was a way to get rid of the persistent badgering because the tools were actually available (and no, I don't do drugs). But now they're gone, because I decided to get rid of them. I decided I was going to fight the voices of "you can't", "you're a loser", "you deserve the pain, and you know it will help". Instead of embracing the pricking words as truth, I would throw them off into the dirt and walk away.
These voices have proven to be worthy opponents.
I have entered a battle that I was not prepared for. I've actually been in the thick of the conflict for some time, but I never made a true stand. There was never any push on my part, to thwart the advances of fear and sorrow and self-hatred. Now I have begun to stand fast against the onslaught of lies that my head and heart listen to.
But I am truly not prepared. The voices and feelings, perhaps even chemicals in my body, are strong (or not strong enough, if it still is chemical). They jab in the weakest places, because they know them all. They have been advancing steadily for years; all of the soft spots are well mapped. Onward they charge, throwing all of their force at the still open wounds.
And, somehow, I seem to have misplaced my shield.
But I am truly not prepared. The voices and feelings, perhaps even chemicals in my body, are strong (or not strong enough, if it still is chemical). They jab in the weakest places, because they know them all. They have been advancing steadily for years; all of the soft spots are well mapped. Onward they charge, throwing all of their force at the still open wounds.
And, somehow, I seem to have misplaced my shield.
8 comments:
These feelings can be a challenge. I have known them. I used to have people in my life who wore me down at every opportunity. I moved myself out of their world into a safe and healthy place. Then, those "chemical" problems went away. The low feelings went away. You can nurture yourself into wholeness; trust the fact of the beauty of your soul. Cleave to it.
Georgie, you sound like you are at a place of great change. (Dah... for me.) But what I'm thinking is that these places can be frightening OR hopeful. They hold the potential, right. But it is a scary place to be alone. You have it right, though, behind all of these faces there are people who struggle. Don't for a second think you are alone that way. Perhaps that can fortify you. We all struggle, some of us struggle more than others. And too, keep in mind that success can look different to different people. What is important is that you value yourself through it, not what the outcome is.
Sound crazy enough? I'm not sure what exactly you're going through and so I think on myself. At the crux of my biggest battles is my self worth, I think. Maybe that holds true for everyone. Hold fast to your value. I see it. I believe in it.
xo
erin
we are rooting for you..... you are headed in the right direction.
Sending you big hugs - warm soft arms wrapping around you! Strength, Courage and Hope each day ~ always! Never give up hope! One day at a time! Hope you can feel the good Karma coming your way! May you take small steps each day on your journey to healing!
Call me if you're having trouble. I will likely be at work and away from my phone, but leave a message (as long as you want) and I'll call you back.
You can do it, you can beat the voices. Because what they're saying isn't true at all. *hugs* We're all rooting for you.
Thank you. All of you. <3
what beth and spider said. our love to you, chica. every time you say no you get a little stronger.
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