Tuesday, March 31, 2009

my journal of wizardness/zombies eating me...

The blogger who receives this award believes in the Tao of the zombie chicken - excellence, grace and persistence in all situations, even in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. These amazing bloggers regularly produce content so remarkable that their readers would brave a raving pack of zombie chickens just to be able to read their words.

Lol. Thanks, spider. However, I will not be motivated to check out the new "Pride and Prejudice" book. *shudder* I'll stick with Zombie Chickens.

I hereby dub this award upon Jacoby, distracted by shiny objects, astropixie, Woman in a Window, and Amber Lee. Let it be known, through all of Oz, no wizard that there is or was is ever gonna bring you down!

I've started a new blog that will be my "Wizard of Oz" journal, with things like dance routines, rehearsals, songs, and general community theatre capers being the theme. I want to remember how this experience goes, and I want to make sure I write it down somewhere. The computer is just easier for me.

Off to See the Wizard is the title of this blog, you can find the link here. Now I'm going to bed. Today was not so great, because it was my last day at my job and I miss my friends terribly.

Good night.

Monday, March 30, 2009

whump a whump a whump...

Most aggravating thing today: having the washing machine situated so it's right next to my head on the other side of the wall. The wall where my bed is has the laundry appliances just on the other side in the washroom, and the noise is very bothersome at times. Like right now. Might as well release an army of medieval knights with a battering ram and slam it against the sheet rock. Wait, but knights rode on the horses. They didn't carry the battering rams. Oy, I need to fix up my medieval history knowledge. :-/

Second most aggravating thing today: the roads were covered in a thin layer of ice this morning. I noticed this because as I was walking out to my car to leave for school my head suddenly connected with the pavement. My first thought was "Oh, no! My laptop!" which I had placed in my backpack in preparations for a dance audition later in the day. Once I'd made sure it was all right, I noticed that the sky was at my feet and the cement was in the air. Weird sensation, that. But I'm all right. Just a large bump on the back of my head. No problems. Lol, like that one time. Q will remember. Even though I didn't. *smirk* Anyway, the roads were icy. I have never had the opportunity to drive in icy conditions, because my parents never allowed me to. WELL, today was nearly a crash course in "Driving on Icy Roads." I learned several things:

1-Do not use washer fluid on the windshield, it just freezes.
2-Stopping in the actual drainage ditch near a stop sign is stupid and should be avoided.
3-Slamming on your breaks to avoid the cat will not make you stop any faster.
4-Low gear should be changed into slowly.
5-Do not drive behind idiots who do not brush the snow off of their cars because it flies behind and hits your windshield, and your now frozen windshield wipers are no help.
6-Do not drive in high school parking lots.
7-Do not turn on the air conditioning.
8-Do turn on your headlights.
9-Turn right to go left (it finally does make sense now that I've had to do it).
10-Do not slam on your breaks when you slide off the road; you just slide farther.

K, maybe that was the most aggravating thing of the day. WHY do they not teach us anything of actual value in Drivers' Education classes?

Happy thing: my dance audition. It actually went surprisingly well. Basically it was the second half of an interview that I've had for a dance instructor position at the REC Center. My job was to come up with 4-6 sets of 8 (dance moves fitting in time with 1, 2, 3 and so on ;) ) and a basic lesson plan for the different age groups. I chose the song "Apologize" because it's simple enough to come up with movement. I wrote out the choreography during Multimedia (mostly because I had nothing better to do) and went to the REC Center early to learn it in the upstairs wing. Whitney, the girl who was interviewing me, is super nice and really liked my ideas. She told me that when I dance I'm a completely different person, and that I'm twice as beautiful when I smile. *blush* That made me pull into my "protective shell" she calls it. Whitney likes my lesson plan stuff, and she said that she highly recommends me for the position. I hope I get it. Then I could work at the Scout Office on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays and teach on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Income will double, because the Scout Office is two shifts on during a week and three shifts on the next, continually alternating. I need as much income as possible. Grrr. Stupid college.

Whump a whump a whump. That is SO annoying.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

waste away...

I think I got out of bed for a total of two hours today. No joke. I really didn't do much at all. My body decided it wanted to be a furnace with one setting staying at "High," my throat turned into sandpaper, and my head was split like a watermelon. Luckily I found some Harry Potter fanfiction to read, and I can think about what I have to do for the rest of the week.

March will be leaving us soon. The whole month has been lion-like, roaring his dislike of warmth and biting down hard on any hints of spring. He's a temperamental cat, he is. Maybe if I'd put out a bowl of milk for him, he'd have settled down a bit and let the sun come out. His windy tantrums won't be missed, I can assure you of that.

*sigh* School tomorrow. Don't wanna go. Phooey.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

dress dancing...

So it's happened. My whole family has made it into the Wizard of Oz. I'm excited, but also saying good-bye to my summer. Auditions went all right. My voice cracked during my song due to my stupid walking pneumonia thing, which has reared its ugly head again during the recent cold weather. Other than that, it went great. My dad was amazing, as was my mom. My sisters are not amazing yet. Neither am I. We're still "yiddle" and not into our big voices yet.

When we got to auditions, we were numbers 112-116, and the number that was on deck was 78 or something. In other words, we had a long wait. I was so scared that I was literally shaking so hard that I could barely write down my name on the info sheet they gave us to fill out. And I know all the people I was auditioning for!!! :P After filling out the sheet, I sat rigid in my chair, eyes straight ahead, and trying not to throw up.

I, and my equally frightened sisters, were saved when the choreographer for the show asked if anyone wanted to try out for a part in the "Jitterbug" number. All three of us jumped at the chance, even though we were in dresses because we hadn't known that dance auditions would be on the same night. We learned a short, fast, three sets of eight routine and performed it for the choreographer. Meghan and I went together, and we did all right. It was hardest because it was fast, and we were stuck in dresses. I was lucky; I put leggings on under my dress right before we left. Meghan's skirt was sort of limiting and she kept getting stuck when the fabric would stretch too tightly around her legs. It was fun though, and none of us were nervous anymore. All that fear had just been danced out.

I still think it's funny how we were in dresses. We looked so silly, with our hair and make-up all nice and looking ready for church, sliding and kicking in time to "Ladies' Choice" from Hairspray. It was an interesting experience.

Spent the day in bed and sleeping/reading/playing Bubble Town on MSN. I've been so sick, and I hate it. My family (meaning the girls) were going to go to the General Young Women's Conference tonight in Salt Lake, but we couldn't go because I'm sick and so are both of my sisters. Now that the auditions are over, illness is no longer kept at bay. I guess we really were supposed to audition for it.

Is it just me, or does Robert Pattinson have a really strange sounding voice? It's not bad, just interesting.

Friday, March 27, 2009

off to see the Wizard...

Well, I made the play. I have no idea what part I am yet, but I'll find out tomorrow or Monday. My parents have been asked to go back tomorrow for callbacks, and my sisters and I are going to sleep in, possibly go bowling, and head to the mall so I can spend my $25 gift certificate from work on new pants. The ones I've got are wearing out. :P

My Threadless T-shirts came today!!! YAY!!! I got the Solstice, A Bubbly Beginning, Fish Tank, Geology, and Procrastinators tees. So happy. Oh, and my Bruin Crazies jersey was finally given to me. Poor Taylor. He's had it in the Student Council room since December. Lol. He forgot to let me know about it. Funny, funny. And it's also funny that the nickname I put on the back of my 09 jersey says Munchkin. LOL.

Funny stuff happened in Ceramics today, but I'll write about it tomorrow 'cause I'm exhausted. And the auditions, probably. If not tomorrow, Sunday, because tomorrow is crazy due to shopping, callbacks, and the General Young Women's Conference in Salt Lake. Our ward got tickets somehow. I'd rather stay home than brave the big city, but oh, well. I don't like cities much. Which is weird, because people tell me that they see me living in New York, Chicago, Paris, London, or other places like that. Boy, I hope not. I want to live somewhere with a river or stream running through my property, plenty of land to have a vegetable and flower garden, lots of trees, a space for a playhouse...but that's another day, isn't it?

I'm done.

spell teriffied...

I'm off to Wizard of Oz auditions. I'm so scared. And I'm wearing make-up. :P


Thursday, March 26, 2009

there's a great big blot on my screen. grrrr......

history shmistory...

You all know that I love history, but I hate my history class. Well, turns out that I didn't fail like I thought I would, nor did I even end up with a B+. Somehow (I think it was due to extra credit) I pulled off an A-. O.o YAY!!!

We had a quiz on the presidents today, with the requirements being to name the president who fit in each listed year, his party affiliations, and what he did while in office. I found that surprisingly easy, because I was able to link each president to an event that happened while he was in office (i.e., 1862 was the beginning of the Civil War [beginningish], so Lincoln was in office, he was a Republican, and he wrote the Emancipation Proclamation, stuff like that). I passed, shocking myself. Everyone else, all nine of the other kids, failed. I'm on the right side of the line this time, for once.

Somehow Matt got us on the subject of updating the pictures of presidents on the wall in the classroom. He asked Mr. Carpenter why there was no picture of President Obama on the wall with the other presidents, and why the picture of President Bush was so much smaller than all the others. Mr. Carpenter said, "Well, President Bush actually sent me that picture with a note thanking me for doing such a great job teaching. There was also an attachment asking for money. *chuckle* I didn't send any money, and seeing as how he didn't ask me to return the picture I didn't send that back either."

Then he paused, scratched his chin, and said "I wonder why President Obama hasn't sent me a picture yet."

I didn't even think. It just blurted right out of my mouth.

"There wasn't enough money left from the Stimulus Bill to pay for postage."

Everyone, even Mr. Carpenter, burst out laughing. I just looked around for a minute and went back to doodling. It was silent again when I realized what I had actually said.

Bewildered, I spoke again. "That was actually really funny."

Silence, then a roar of laughter, especially from Josh, Matt, and Jacob. I seriously didn't realize how funny it had been until it was nearly two minutes later. I guess I'm the kind of girl who gets the joke on Saturday, even though you told it to her on Friday during lunch. Thank goodness it didn't take me that long to figure out one of my own.

SNM was great tonight. The kids put on their annual Roadshow, and I, being a part of the choir with my partner, got to wear a party hat and blow one of those paper whistle things that look like a snake's tongue. I have no idea what they're called. It's been way too long since I had one at New Year's. Anyway, I ended up not being with Sheleena and Emily, because there were two girls who didn't have partners who I was asked to keep an eye on. Amy is in my class, and I know her pretty well (the girls at SNM are all split up into different colored classes; I'm in White). The other girl has been coming to SNM for about four weeks. Her name is Amelia, and she's a sweetheart. She speaks very quietly, has a very strong grip, loves colors, and her laugh tinkles like tiny silver bells. I like her a lot. Oh, and David did a very good job as the Happy Meter. He would be a very good Vanna White, come to think of it. ;)

Oh! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MIMO!!! (mom, duh ;) ). It's her birthday today, and I got her red roses and yellow tulips, because I couldn't decide which one she would like better. She and the rest of the family are up in Salt Lake at a concert for her birthday. We went to Chili's for dinner (sooo good) and then went our separate ways. LOVE YOU MOM!!! :D

Since my puppies were terribly sad when I left for school today, I promised them that I would take them "bye-bye" later in the evening. So, since the family is gone away tonight, I took them for a drive around Provo, showing them where I work and stuff like that. They got bored about twenty minutes later, and we came back home. Now one's asleep on my foot, and the other made a bed in my laundry. Ah, well. It's my fault since I didn't put it away. Too lazy.

Oh, another thing. The Scout Office hired me. YAY!!!

I'm done.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

you can find me here...

From Q.

A map of me on this blustery day.

Eyes: fixed on my screen.
Ears: filled with the tones of Jim Dale.
Lips: split and bleeding. Again.
Hair: pinned in a round knot and very wet.
Knees: tucked in a sleeping bag and bruised.

Want to play?

What points would you plot to locate yourself, to map a moment? [You don't have to use the same points I did.]

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

today's yesterday...

Tomorrow has come in the form of today. Here's the review of what I said I'd post about (mostly for my reference, because you probably have a better memory than I do):

1. Stake Dance
2. Disney Monopoly
3. Artic Circle Capers
4. Mom's Magic Moments
5. Draper Temple Dedication
6. Tender Mercies/Near Catastrophes
7. Science Class
8. Library Changes
9. Mom's Not-so-Magic Moments
10. Sleeping Pill Giggles
11. Tomorrow's Entry/stuff that happens tomorrow and not today, Saturday, or Sunday

1. Stake Dance
My friend Coty and I decided to go to the Stake Dance (not meat steak, but church group) with our friend, Jace. She knows him better than I do, but it was all good. The dance was pretty lame, to be honest. Not the decorations. The entire gym was coated in green light, with a rainbow, complete with indigo, floating over the dancers. Green and yellow helium-filled balloons held up the crepe paper rainbow, and when it would start to get heavy, more balloons were added. Soon, a forest of balloons hung up a somewhat forgotten rainbow. I sometimes felt like the world had been turned upside down, with me dancing below the rainbow with the forest above it.

The lame parts were the music. There were a few songs that probably should not have been played at a church dance. Just in my opinion. And there was hardly anyone I knew. Mostly freshmen and sophomores, along with a few eighth graders. And David didn't show up until after Coty, Jace, and I had left. Grr.

2. Disney Monopoly
This was actually before the dance, while Coty and I were waiting for Jace to show up at her house. I picked Peter Pan for my piece, and Coty chose Aurora (Sleeping Beauty for those few Disney illiterate). She's never seen Sleeping Beauty! Not Aurora, Coty. We're going to have Disney weekly features at my house this summer. Squee!

3. Artic Circle Capers
Ah! Artic Circle. Don'tcha just love that place? I do. We (the three of us) left the dance early and headed over. Coty went with Jace in his car (giggle) and they met me there. (OMgosh, I love this song!!! River Flows in You, also known as Bella's Theme-just wasn't in the movie) *cough, sorry* ANYwho, Jace has to be the pickiest person I have ever met. Here's the list of fruits he doesn't like: grapes, bananas, pears, peaches, oranges, kiwis, grapefruits, pomegranates...actually, it's easier just to say which ones he does like. Apples. O.o

We swapped stories, the most embarrassing of which involved the loss of swim trunks while rafting at Bear Lake. Neither girl could top that one.

4. Mom's Magic Moments
I cannot remember what this...oh! Yes, I do! Duh. So, this is Sunday. Mom taught the Sunday School lesson for my class, and it was really good. She really brings the Spirit in (no ghosts, promise-lol, funny story-remind me later). I like having her teach. It was about Emma Smith, and how the controversial stuff has been brought more into the light. We read from the Doctrine and Covenants and watched part of "Emma Smith: My Story". Now all the kids in my class want to borrow it, but it isn't ours. It's the library's!!!

5. Draper Temple Dedication
This was amazing, in short. In long, I am glad that I went. There wasn't enough room on the bench to sit next to my family, so I went to the other side and sat with my favorite junior high teacher, Mrs. Hacken and her daughter and grandsons. The highlights of the dedication were when one of the speakers (can't remember his name, dang it) told about how the rabbis in Jerusalem have been praying at the Wailing Wall for a temple to be built again in the city. When the man was touring Jerusalem, another man asked the architect what the Jews would do with a temple. The architect replied, "I don't know. Ask the Mormons, they know what to do with temples." Funny, huh? And fulfilling prophecy, now that I think of it.

6. Tender Mercies/Near Catastrophes
(on Monday) Call it either one, but I prefer the first. My dad drove my car (not the Honda, which still is in ownership limbo) and didn't fill up the tank, but didn't tell me. I got to my friend's house to pick her up for school, and the almost empty light blinked on. I decided to go to the gas station and fill up during lunch, because I didn't want to do it after school. Too much rush. Lunchtime came, and I drove down to the 7-11 near my school. Everything went well, seeing as it was my second time filling up, until I got back to the lunchroom at school. See, my debit card had somehow fallen out of my pocket. Not only does it have my account number on it, but also my picture, security code, and student ID number at UVU. Yeah, crap.

I looked all through the parking lot where I had walked, and it wasn't there. Praying frantically that I'd find it, I jumped into my car and drove back to the gas station, hoping that someone had picked it up and turned it in at the front desk. The whole time, I was just praying and praying that someone had been honest and not taken it. I mean, they could use it online, because they don't check picture ID, you know?

When I pulled up to the station, I felt peace and knew that it would work out. I walked up to the desk and asked if anyone had turned in a debit card. The man said that someone had about two minutes before and checked my ID, then handed it to me.

Phew! I have not prayed so hard in thanks in a long time. Too long.

7. Science Class:
Before the gas station, and also on Monday. The worst thing ever happened. TONY graded my test. Now, I love Tony. He's my friend and he's awesome. However, he's super smart and Geology/Environmental Science are his thing. Especially rocks. So, when I realized he had my test, I knew I was doomed. I really, really, really don't want him to know how stupid I am.

After everything was graded (I did better than I thought I had), Tony asked me why I hated it when he graded my tests. I told him that I was afraid he'd realize how stupid I am and that he wouldn't want to be my friend anymore. He looked sort of hurt (I think that's how he looked) and told me that no, I was one of the most competent people in the class and that I was not stupid.

Aw. That made me feel better. It also made me feel embarrassed that I had been embarrassed, and I was embarrassed when he saw that I had written LOSER in red ink just below each nail on my left hand while we were grading the tests.

8. Library Changes
The library no longer has a circulation desk. At least for now. Poor people. They have a temporary setup that looks as thought it could come crashing down if someone sneezed too loudly. Good incentive for people to keep their voices down. We don't want our librarians being crushed.

9. Mom's Not-so-Magic Moments
People do dumb things. My mom does them, too. My sister has had a cough lately (I'm sorry, okay?!) and she coughed so hard that she threw up. She ran downstairs to the bathroom after and continued to be sick. My mom got very upset that my sister had left, saying that she didn't want to keep cleaning up after grown people and blah, blah, blah. That made me angry. I didn't shout, but I reminded her that my sister had just been throwing up and was still being sick because she was coughing so hard, and that it wouldn't do to wait to clean up the mess until she was finished. Besides, you can't clean up a mess when you're still making one. Sometimes I feel like I'm a mother to my mom. Ugh.

9. Sleeping Pill Giggles
All three girls in the family have been having a hard time sleeping lately. My mom decided to give us all half doses of sleeping pills. Well. It didn't work. We just giggled and made stupid jokes for an hour. Then I laid in bed for another hour, deciding to just rest and hope to fall asleep. I've been on herbal sleeping pills for almost two years, and no pills work well anymore. I just need to get off of them. That's what summer will be for, I suppose.

11. Today's Entry
I didn't go to school today, but I did go to work. I found out that I should have been layed off in October of 2008. O.o They didn't even mention lay off until February of 2009!!! It makes me feel loved that they found out a way to keep me for so long. *blush* Oh, and Dustin doesn't think that he broke his nose. *shrug* Whatever.

I ran into my laundry basket today. Not in to it, but smashed against it. Now I've got a giant bruise underneath my right knee. And I guess I've been nervous/insecure of late, because my lips are bleeding and split again. Mom says I chew on my lips when I'm insecure. I don't even notice. Bleh.

Well, I've got a job interview again tomorrow. This time it's for a dance instructor position at the REC Center, right next door to my school. Convenient, no? If I get the job, I'll teach ballet, jazz, and modern/creative dance forms. 3-16 years old. The little kids I'm not worried about. The preteens, meh. Not too much. The kids a few years younger than me. Eek. They might eat me. I'm not a very tall or large person. Oh, well. I'd just have to interest them, I suppose.

K, tired now. And this post has taken a half hour to write. Sheesh. I'm done.

Monday, March 23, 2009

today will be tomorrow's...

I will post about today, Sunday, and Saturday tomorrow. I'm too worn out right now. Topics that will be covered:

1. Stake Dance
2. Disney Monopoly
3. Artic Circle Capers
4. Mom's Magic Moments
5. Draper Temple Dedication
6. Tender Mercies/Near Catastrophes
7. Science Class
8. Library Changes
9. Mom's Not-so-Magic Moments
10. Sleeping Pill Giggles
11. Tomorrow's Entry/stuff that happens tomorrow and not today, Saturday, or Sunday

I only write this list so as to remind myself what I intended to write about today tomorrow so I won't forget what I was going to write about today tomorrow. *smirk* Figure THAT one out.

So, there you go.


Sunday, March 22, 2009

piece of mind...

I need to find a piece of mind
'Cause mine's beginning to unwind.

I need a backup memory
'Cause most my thoughts keep leavin' me.

The mind I've got is such a bore.
It just don't work no more.

I was extremely close to falling asleep in Environmental Science. This popped into my head. Woot.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Harry Potter...

It's finally my turn to borrow the seventh Harry Potter book on CD from the library. YAY!!! I love listening to Jim Dale. He's got the best voice to listen to, and I love his accent. At least, it's an accent to me.

Listening to Harry Potter has brought to mind some of the adventures I've created with my own characters. It's a lot of fun, but rather embarrassing when my sisters or parents catch me talking to my characters. I look like I'm talking to myself or imaginary friends. Which they kind of are. Not really, I guess. I dunno. :P

The thing about my own little imaginary adventures is that I killed off Ginny. I never liked her. Ever, really. So I killed her off and now Abigail is the girl. Lol. I'm so weird.

I'm so tired. I'm so glad that it's Saturday, and that third term is over. So, so, so glad. There isn't even any homework today. I feel like I'm forgetting something because of it.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Uncle Tom's Cabin...

When I composed this little book
So many years ago,
A stir began in many hearts
As in them my words sowed.

I saw the horror of the slave,
The life they shouldn’t lead.
And in my soul I realized
Their ever pressing need.

I wrote a picture of their pain,
I penned their songs of hurt.
Little did I even know
The power of written word.

When I composed this little book
So many years ago,
A stir began in many hearts
As in them my words sowed.

Yep, it's that time again. Time for history extra credit. I hope he gives me the points I need!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

third term torture...

WHY do they pile so much homework on us the last three days of term? STUPID TEACHERS!!!

Got 86% on my DBQ. YES! Best grade all year on an essay in History. English, on the other hand, has had all 100% except for one, where I missed two points. Mr. Carpenter doesn't like the way I write. He thinks I disagree with historians too much. *grrr*

My grandparents gave me and my sisters a car. I get to use it for the next two years without conflict from any other sister drivers, 'cause I'm the oldest. Mom, however, has decided that I don't get to drive it, even thought it's intended for my use. :P Honda Accord, silver, gorgeous, and mine! Well, not just mine. I just say that it is.

Good night.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Tuesday, March 17, 2009


Since I'll be up late working on an essay for History (DBQ, or Document Based Question Essay) I probably won't be able to post much about the day. Just know that it was better than I thought it would be. :)

I did glaze two of my Ceramics projects, and finished a couple of the Science chapters that I missed. Behind in Spanish, which sucks because term ends on Friday. Multimedia is killer because I'm horrible at Flash animation. And he's got a girlfriend. Dang it.

Monday, March 16, 2009


I fail at life. End of story. Done. Finished. Good night.

And Patton wasn't a real hero. Just so you know.

I'm done.

Sunday, March 15, 2009


I did something stupid today. I went upstairs and watched a part of "The Hiding Place", and now I feel an overwhelming hatred for the Germans of that time. It's the strongest, hottest, most poisonous anger that I have ever felt in my entire life. I don't understand how the guards who worked in the camps could consider themselves better, or even human. Right now it is my dearest wish to rip them all to pieces, to see them hurt in every way possible. I know it's wrong of me to want that, but I feel so uncontrollably angry.

I don't know how anyone could treat another living creature in such a way, especially someone who is just like them. I'm so angry that I'm crying. How is it possible for people to do that to one another? And now I feel like doing the same thing. Why does that happen? Why did they do it? And why do I have urges to become the same sort of monster that the Germans were?

My whole body aches. Every beating and lashing I viewed is now present upon my own body and soul, like phantom reminders of the past. The skin on my back feels each tear and strike; the muscles and veins of my hands and wrists bleed. My mind sees the images of suffering and pain and transfers it onto my own body. The sights, sounds, and memories feed the hate I feel. I hate what happens to people. I hate it. I hate them. And I shouldn't. I know I shouldn't. How can I stay away from such hatred? How can I keep it from destroying me, like it destroyed so many before?

I know that Christ has felt every single thing that those people felt, and that I feel now. Could he have possibly felt the hate that I feel, and feel the pain it adds? Does he understand? I know he can help if I let him. That's how I can stay away from such hatred. This has shown me again how much I need a Savior, and he's there. Always. No matter what happens, he's there.

I don't feel hate anymore. Just pain and sadness, a horrible, aching emptiness. I don't understand it. I wish it had never happened to anyone.

The hate is easier. It's easier to feel. You can let it control you and it makes you stronger. But in the end, it will only break you. The sadness is harder to bear, but it doesn't feel evil. It makes me want to help those in need now, and to make sure that justice is brought about for those who suffer today. Sadness isn't hot. It doesn't make me want to rip people apart. Sadness is cool and makes me want to help. If that makes any sense.

I'm sorry I've gone off on this for so long. It helped though, to write out what I was feeling. I'm still horribly sad, but I know how to stay away from such anger. See, I don't think things through all the way until I examine how I feel. I have to let how I feel and what I'm thinking bleed out onto a page, whether in my own handwriting or pounding it out on a keyboard. Then I can get to a resolution. And I have, really. I don't feel angry. And the sadness is ebbing away and changing into a resolve to make the world better so that where I live this sort of thing won't happen. I'll try to lift others up instead of bringing them down, because crushing, tearing words can be just as painful as whips and guns. Even more, I think. I can't stop a war, and I can't force people to think the way I do, but I can help individual people not feel so alone. I can help in different ways.

Again, I'm sorry. I'll still post this, because after all this is my journal. But now you know why I did.

Saturday, March 14, 2009


Yes, it’s Pi Day. And I have been looking forward to it for a very long time, even though my family is having chocolate cake instead of actual pie. It’s from Costco, so it’s one of those demon chocolate so-rich-and-huge-it-should-be-sent-to-prison cakes. I’m excited much.

So, for yesterday. It was a big day and a happy day for the most part. Slept through first period again because I had nightmares all night and didn’t sleep well (thanks for letting me stay home, mom). Went to second period and made a total fool of myself in front of the class as I stumbled over my pronunciation of the Spanish words while I present on Vasco, Spain. Interesting stuff happened in class, such as awkward sitting positions by certain individuals and rude jokes. Not to mention that the tape job that’s attaching the projector to the ceiling sort of doesn’t work anymore…that was bad.

Study Hall finally came around, and I left class to go meet up with the rest of Science Club to get ready to board the bus for UVU. Can you spell excited? I can! Yay! Anyway, I know Science Club sounds totally dorky, and it kind of is, but you’ll totally wish you were brave enough to admit your nerdiness when you read what we did. *snicker*

First off, they fed us aMAZING pizza. Seriously, the best pizza I’ve ever had in my life. AND we didn’t have to pay for it. Score!!! We did have to work for it, though. By sharing everything we knew about pressure and its relationship to volume and temperature. After we ate, we built something. Something awesome. And I mean really freakin’ awesome.

We built cannons. For reals. Not super dangerous ones that shoot projectiles hundreds of yards, though. Kind of a let down, but it was still fun. ;) No, we made cannons that shoot ping pong balls. How it works is you have this thing sort of like a turkey baster, you know the ones with the round bulb on the end? We removed the plastic tube and somehow inserted lamp lighters into the hole. The lamp lighters create sparks inside the bulb thing. Once it works, you then take a cigarette/fire lighter and press down on the button to release the butane gas. Don’t light the actual flame, that’s bad. Just the gas button. Then, hurry up and put squeeze your ping pong ball into the hole. Twist your flint striker and…


Or pop, whatever works. Out erupts the ping pong ball, along with a lot of flames and smoke. Pretty cool, no? See, I told you it’s cool to be a nerd. You get to blow stuff up. With permission. :)

After we finished up with that, we toured the chemistry labs (they’ll get better) and some other parts of the school. Our first guide was really weird. ‘Nough said. The second guide was cool. He’s an English major, and his wife is a ballroom dancer. Next year he’ll be going to Exeter College, Oxford University. The one in ENGLAND. NOT FAIR!!!! Oh, well. I wish him all the best. My favorite part of the tour was the library. Can I just die and go to heaven? Oh, man, it was amazing. I know where I’ll be hanging out when I finish high school and actually go to college on a real campus. So stoked, man!

Went back to school, showed off my cannon to my Ceramics class, and then drove home. Went to work. It was Dustin’s birthday, and he brought donuts. I asked him why he brought treats for us on his birthday, and he said, “It’s like the kids in elementary school, how they bring treats. It makes me feel little.” Then I just had to mention that he’ll be a quarter of a century old next year. That got a groan and a smack on the shoulder. *smirk* Dustin is awesome.

While at work, I was in the faculty printing room when the door opened. Dustin came in, looked around, and let out a mock sob. “WHY are there so many printers in this school?!” he moaned. I asked if he had to turn them all off due to the energy budget cuts, and he said, “No. I printed something, and I don’t know which one it went to.” I started to laugh and he sighed, leaving the room. About two minutes later, the printer I was standing next to spit out a paper. It was the one Dustin was looking for! Funny, no? Well, I thought it was.

Finally able to go home, I ate dinner with my family (can’t remember what it was, dang it) and got ready to go see my high school’s version of “The Tempest”. Overall, it was much better than I expected, seeing as it’s a high school doing Shakespeare. I saw “Macbeth” two years ago when they did it. Did not make a good impression. Anyway, I was pleasantly surprised, except when we got “rained” on during the opening scene. THAT was annoying. There was someone in the back of the auditorium with a big water gun thing shooting it over everyone. Not cool, at all. That was the only thing I really didn’t like. Other than that, it was good. They had a raked stage (where they build up the stage and have stairs or a ramp leading up that the audience can’t see) and had covered it in sand. The set was super simple, with opaque sheet things hanging where the wings are at. It looked really good, and there weren’t any scene changes so it moved fast.

Then I went home. End of day.


Woke up, got dressed, and went to job interviews. Boy Scouts are weird. I’ve been offered a position at Scofield Boy Scouts Camp, but I have to think about accepting it. I’ll let you know what I decide. If I do, I’ll probably teach a couple of merit badge classes and/or work in the Trading Post (store). They also want me to be the camp artist (uh oh). That’s a frightening thought. I suck at art. They’ll find out, if I take the job.

I pretty much wasted the whole day after that. I’m still wasting it. I discovered Sorority Life on Facebook. Aka, I wasted my day. And now I’m getting redundant. Let’s just be done now, shall we?

I’m done. Redundancy at its finest, no?

Ohp, I forgot. I LOVE the Twilight soundtrack!!! Muse, Collective Soul, Paramore, Mutemath, Linkin Park, The Black Ghosts, and Robert Pattinson rock!!!

K. NOW I’m done. :)

Wait!! Today is Michelle's Birthday!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MICHELLE!!! (Dustin's sister, who I also work with)

Friday, March 13, 2009


Too tired to post anything. Will make up for it tomorrow.


Thursday, March 12, 2009



Okay, now that I'm done squeeing out, I will post. My books came. I pasted in my autographs from James Dashner. And the books are now sitting in the honor position on my bookshelf. They'll be booted off sometime when I get a new squeeful book, but that won't be for awhile. My books get rotated, you see. Whichever one is newest or I'm currently reading resides in that special place. They each sit there at least twice a year, so it's all good. No hurt feelings.


empty and full...

My stomach is empty and my mind is full. Not a comfortable situation to be in. I'm so worried about so many things that I keep randomly bursting into tears. I'm afraid I'll do something to make my mom angry and she'll yell at me. I'm afraid I'll not be able to get all of my grades up by next Friday. My room is a mess, my closet is worse. Multimedia Flash animation is discouraging, and so are my Ceramics projects. Money is so hard to come up with, and I have tons of expenses coming up. Dad's not home till late tonight.

Something good though. Tonight is SNM, and I get to ride with David again. He's a really nice kid. I'm glad I get to hang out with him on Thursdays. And I get to see Sheleena!!! Bad thing: Road Show practice, and I'll be doing my solo for the first time. Not happiness.

Mom brought pizza. I'm going to be done now. :)

Wednesday, March 11, 2009


Once again, I cannot think of a name for this. So I'll just do dots. Yay.

I went to Science Club for the first time today. Thanks, friend, for introducing me to it! You know who you are. :) After school I finished my Ceramics project. Finally. I'm not happy with the way some of it turned out, but if I didn't get it done today it would have totally dried out. If it turns out well, maybe I'll post a pic or two for you. But if it sucks, don't even think about pictures. Coty was a sweetheart and came in with me while I finished it, then we drove home together. It's fun driving myself and my friend to school. Way better than my parents; they say that the high school parking lot drivers make them nervous, but really they're impatient. Just mosey on through and your chances of getting hit drop to about 50% instead of 95 or 100%.

My friend and I were going to see Twilight tonight, but she got sick. I feel so bad 'cause she feels so bad that she can't go. It's not her fault she got sick, but she was all like "Oh, I've totally ruined your night, I'm so sorry, I'm such a jerk," until I finally told her to shut up and get better so we can go next week. I can tell her to shut up-she knows I don't mean it. Besides, if I didn't tell her to be quiet every once in awhile, she'd talk herself to death. ;) I hope she feels better though. This whatever that's going around is nasty. Take it from someone who knows. You don't want it.

Well, I adore my Twilight soundtrack. And I adore Taylor Lautner. Not to obsession point, mind you. Just to *squee* point. And dream point. :P LOL!!! I'm so silly!

I'm done.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

quatus sto...

Sometimes I don't feel depressed and down when I want to be alone. I feel kind of like this picture-standing on the brink of darkness but enjoying it. I don't know if that makes sense to you, but somehow it does to me.

Funny thing happened at work today. I was getting ready to sign in when all of the sudden the lights in the office dimmed. "What the..." I said. Michelle, the girl I work with, said, "I know. I had a deep thought." I started to laugh, and she spun around on her chair, "No, really. I was thinking about the big ocean and why it's blue. Very deep thoughts." We stared at each other for a split second and then busted up laughing.

She also got the words mixed up in a High School Musical song. "Whooooooaaaa! Stick to the quatus sto!" was the new phrase which replaced "Stick to the status quot." :D

So much homework! But I did a lot of it while watching P.B. Bear with my sisters. If you've never seen it, you had better watch it soon. It is so cute! There are a lot of different episodes of it. Perfect for little kids, ages 2 and up I think. I loved it when I was little, and I still do.

Monday, March 9, 2009

the winner is...

Well, the total has come in, and it's been voted that the poem is titled Wind Whispers. Yay! Thanks!

Today you get to see my limerick. :)

May Pole Story
She once had a May pole of purple,
Surrounded by we children cheerful.
She danced and I pranced;
Her smile did entrance,
As we twisted in circles ‘round her pole.

Baha. Lame, no? It's for the same class. Woot.

Well, my family has watched The Prince of Egypt THREE times. TODAY. I only watched it once; I can't bear seeing the same movie twice in one day. It's a good movie and all (Really good, surprisingly. We actually watched it in Seminary last year with Brother Frost. It was awesome! All of these other kids left their teachers' classrooms so that they could come watch, too. Good times), but things get old over and over again. So, I'm sitting in the kitchen doing homework so that they can "have my company." Or as my dad says, "feel of your spirit." Wow, dad. That's really great.

I'll be honest. I love my religion (LDS/Mormon, if you couldn't tell). Sometimes though I feel like people take it over the top and I feel like I'm stuck in the Farley Family Reunion or something.

Still can't hear. Like, at all. And my sisters (my mom a couple of times, too) made fun of me for a long time, because I couldn't hear them and I'd ask them to repeat what they'd said. Oi. It's not funny. I don't like being made fun of. Oh, and I burned my hand on a casserole dish that had been in the oven. I picked up the lid, and now it's hard to type/write. Stupid burn!

So there's the limerick, and hopefully I'll be able to hear tomorrow. :D

Sunday, March 8, 2009


I wrote a few poems last night for my English class. Q helped to edit one of them. Thanks, friend! Wanna read it? Of course you do.

I need help with a title though. There are two options that I like: Specters' Secrets and Wind Whispers, but I don't know which one works best. Comment after you read and tell me which one you like the best, okay?

Gently, gently sighs the wind,
Whispers, whispers, near my door.
Stories, stories does it spin.
Enter, enter; tell me more.

Words and phrases twirl in air;
Pictures form inside my mind.
Specters enter, hard I stare.
Enter, enter; my soul bind.

Slowly growing, songs they sing.
Voices present on the coil.
Pain and laughter they do bring.
Distant shadows, specters toil.

Whisper softly to me friend,
Burdens set down to their end.

It's supposed to be a Shakespearean sonnet-it's not even close. Well, the rhyme is, but not the meter. I tried to get it into iambic pentameter because the teacher said to try, but it didn't work. Can't force poetry; it just ain't gonna happen.

I can hardly hear at all, and my ears are constantly ringing. I looked up the antibiotic stuff that I've been taking, and it mentioned that hearing loss could happen and if it did then it was bad. Great. I've finished taking all of the doses, so hopefully it'll stop. It's so weird. And pretty annoying.

Shall I share my limerick with you, too? Nah, not today. Too much poetry in one post gets boring. I'm done. :)

Saturday, March 7, 2009

things to change...

I've been thinking today, and I've decided some of the things I want to change about myself-

Thing to change number one:

I would not be such a klutz. I have broken the school record for falling down the staircase, I’m sure of it. I also trip, slide, fall, and tumble over backpacks, feet, my shoes, and invisible objects. I’m talented. I trip up stairs and over flat surfaces. It’s why one of my new favorite phrases goes like this: “I didn’t trip. It was a gravity surge.” Unfortunately gravity might not exist, so I don’t know how long I can use that as an excuse…

Thing to change number two:

I would be able to draw. I wish, I wish, I wish that I could draw. And paint. And take good pictures. And…yeah. Just do art in general. It would be so amazing to me to be able to see an image in my head or in the world and be able to capture it with the strokes of a pencil. Even the sounds amaze me. I just wish that I could be a part of that.

Thing to change number three:
I really am probably the most selfish person in the world. I constantly am thinking about my own comfort, when I get to use the car, how unfair the world is to me, blah, blah, blah. Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating. But still. I focus way too much on myself and forget about others around me. I think I need to be more conscientious of others and look outside of myself instead of inwards. The world revolves around the sun, not GKB.

Thing to change number four:

Another I want to change is my inherent lack of understanding people. I was recently told that people give each other cues in communication and societies and cultures are expected to respond in a certain way. When someone looks you in the eye, like a teacher or a friend in the hallway, they are not challenging you. They’re trying to establish a connection and say hello. I always look away, at my feet, at the ceiling, anywhere but their face. I feel threatened by this link. I also interrupt a lot. My brain jumps from topic to topic like a frog from lily pad to lily pad. I think of things, and that thought triggers another, and so on. But I have to realize that just because my brain moves like lightning, other people will still be on the original subject. I have to wait my turn to talk, and I can’t change the subject.

Thing to change number five:
I don’t want to be afraid of everything. I’m afraid to try new things, I’m afraid to talk to people, I’m still afraid of the dark. Everything unknown and new frightens me. I want to be able to try things out and get to know what I like. I’m afraid to fail. I guess I need to get over that.

Friday, March 6, 2009

word to the wise...

As a heads up, it is probably not a good idea to check your grades right before bedtime. Stuff of nightmares and all that jazz.

I know this is an extra post for the day, but I thought I'd warn you. Just so you know, is all. Or maybe it's to remind myself.

today just sucks...

Not really, but it's sure felt like it. Nothing has been going right. That, too, is a "not really" statement, but again, it's felt like it. I mean, I didn't crash the car driving to and from school and work, and I didn't break the vacuum at work again, but still...today has just sucked.

Last night, SN Mutual was really fun. I didn't teach (yay!); we had a visiting ward come. One of the youth counselors broke his wrist doing the obstacle course that was set up, but other than that nothing very exciting happened. Sheleena wasn't there, so I was sort of bummed out. The girl I was partnered with for the evening really didn't like me, because I wasn't "her Tara," so she deliberately was difficult. It went from locking herself in the boys' bathroom (awkward) to popping balloons to make kids cry to shoving me down the stairs. She was not happy that her buddy was gone and I was there as a sub. Oh, well. I helped put tables away afterwards and got complimented on how "tough" I am by the male leaders. That's right. :) And they gave us rice krispy treats (my FAVORITE!!!). And David, the kid I carpool with, got accepted to BYU. Yay, David!

Skipped first and second period today because I felt awful. I slept until 10:30 and got ready for school, only to find out that Misty had found candy somewhere and had thrown up in the bathroom. Great. It was lovely. Then science was boring, but interesting at the same time. Some parts of nuclear fission are fascinating, and then there are other parts that put me to sleep. Hit me with a nuetron when I get tired, okay? Maybe I'll be able to "split" the parts of me that are tired and interested so they work in different parts of my brain and I can do both at once. Sheesh.

Lunch was good. I like eggrolls. A lot. My fortune cookie was kind of a downer though. "Don't continually look to the future for success when happiness is right beside you." Looooooooonnnnnnggggg foooooorrrrttuuuuunnneeee coooooooooookieeeeee. I've been chastised again.

My Ceramics project is NOT going the way I want it to. I kept getting dizzy in class and knocking it over or bumping into the new pieces so they fall off. Then everyone was laughing at me because I didn't understand what their jokes were. Like, for example, they kept doing this obnoxious "That's what she said" thing over and over again and I didn't get why they were all laughing. And we had a sub, so the kids sort of took advantage of that. Ugh. Today was dumb. Stupid project, stupid people, stupid me.

Got to see Michelle and Dustin at work, and I took the poster that Mr. Dashner signed for the school library to Mrs. Loosli. She was so excited, and she hung it up next to the signed poster of one of the Fable Haven books. Neatorama. Oh, and while I was at work, some random person kept texting my mom's phone (which I had in case of emergency). They kept telling me to meet them at a certain address near BYU and asking me what my name was, how old I was, et cetera. Text after text, no time to answer. Finally I got sick of it going off, so I texted back and told them if they wrote one more time I'd give their number to the cops. No more texts.

To be perfectly honest, I feel horrible. My friend Coty was going to come over tonight to watch a movie, but I started to feel super sick again. And it snowed. I mostly feel bad right now because I've been a bit of a monster to the family, but I said sorry. I was super frustrated with Meghan (as usual) and so was Amanda. So was mom, though. Meghan wouldn't put her clothes away and wouldn't help with the dishes. Then Buddy ate Misty's food (again), and I put too many clothes in the washing machine. No major problems, just that weird whomp noise. Mom took care of it, so it's all good. Now mom and Amanda are watching a movie and Meghan's doing stuff in her room. That has been our day. Woot.

Remember that science test I was all nervous for? Well, I got a 25/26 on the free response section and a 21/22 (I think that's what it's out of now) on the multiple choice. Yay! :D

I've tried to make some of it positive. Really, I did. But I don't know how well it worked. This could be one of my ranting, whining journal entries that no one will want to read because it's so lame. Today's just been bad. I do feel better now. It's all gone, out into the void. Kapoot. Yes.

I'm done. Holy cow, that's long. If you read the whole thing, type 990. Lol, sorry Jacoby!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

goose pimples...

I've never gotten goose bumps from hearing a song before. That has changed tonight. I know they're a bit nasal, but hey, they're from Texas. Bring on the Cactus Cuties!

My mom keeps playing it, and I keep getting those stupid bumps on my arms. It's intense, man.

So I figured out why I'm having such a hard time focusing in school now. It's because I'm obSESSED with my Ceramics class. I cannot stop thinking about my project, and how many I want to do in the future. I adore 3-D art. Awesomeness. But the rest of school is now super, super, super....boring. My mom says I'm ADHD now. I think I might agree. I focus on one thing and can't pay attention to anything else. Arg.

I'm done.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009


For some strange reason, I have felt awash with new ideas. Not for writing and poetry and things, but for art. It's like walking through a barren mind and suddenly stumbling upon a well of deep and interesting thoughts. I keep having visions of sculptures and drawings popping into my head, and it's all I can do to sketch them fast enough to look like how they are in my head. Maybe it has something to do with meeting James Dashner or something. Or maybe it has something to do with these new meds the doctors have me on. I dunno.

I do know that part of it has to do with feeling closer to the Spirit these past couple of days. I've been trying harder to do what blessings have told me. This video explains it better than me. It's President Uchtdorf (spelling?)speaking about creativity. Pretty cool, if you ask me.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


My diagnosis of March was incorrect. March is no longer docile. In fact, I believe that March's personality could be described as inconsistent. I think we have a definite case of bi-polar disorder in this month.

It started out nice and peaceful, with mild temperatures and gentle sun. Then last night came a big wind storm, and all day there has been wind. The sun is clouded by dust and dirt, and to go outside you risk suffocation.

I'm exaggerating (exagerating? exagerrating? exxagerating? help me? man, i feel like Hank the Cowdog) about actually suffocating, but you do get a nasty mouth, ear, eye, and noseful of lovely dirt. It's not very fun.

So, don't come to me for medical help. My misdiagnoses (???) will probably just cause you a lot of heartache or foul up your vacation plans. Besides that, I don't have malpractice insurance. ;)

Monday, March 2, 2009


I went to see Twilight again, this time it being my mother's idea. Shocking, I know. My mother has been adamantly against Twilight ever since I bought the book. I was extrememly surprised at the end of the movie when she told me that she did like it. Interesting, no?

I realized the one thing that drives me absolutely crazy about that movie is Kristen Stewart. Every other person, from Charlie to Edward to Alice to Mike, do a great job. The one performance that is severely lacking and I do not believe for one minute is Bella's. I love watching the thought processes on Robert Pattinson's face, and the emotion on Billy Burke's. The interactions between Victoria, Lauren, and James with the Cullen family are so good. But Kristen just....does not work. I continually remember that Bella is being portrayed by an actress; everyone else's performance seems real to me.

The worst thing about the Twilight experience of the day was the previews. Sick, disgusting, hideous, twisted films are coming out of the big studios. I do not understand how someone could think that a movie about a dead twin who rips apart his sister's friends and family is worth watching. It's horrific. I couldn't even watch the preview, I was so horrified. And then there was one for a movie called "The Spirit" or something, and it was atrocious, too. How can people find that garbage entertaining? I don't understand it. It goes against all compassion, all light, all goodness. How can it be considered "quality work?" I don't get it.

Quotes of the Day that I Found Entertaining:

"I had an adrenaline rush. It's very common. You can Google it." -Edward Cullen

"You don't need to worry about the dotted line. It could be the number of rats with pink shorts. Forget about it." -Mr. Clark on Carrying Capacity Graphs

"Hey look! We're gonna learn about the equator!" -Collete on the Powerpoint Presentation for Ecuador (she really did think that equator was spelled with a "c" and a "d").

Rosalie-"Is she even Italian?"
Emmett-"Her name's Bella."

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing." -I believe that I made this up a long time ago, but I could have just heard it a long time ago and forgotten. I'll just say it's mine until I'm proved wrong, which will probably happen. I dunno. I'm lame like that.


I'm done now.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

forward, MARCH...

No wind, no rain, just cold, dismal dreariness. I suppose March has come in like a lamb.

I swear, March is the ugliest month of the year (at least where I live). Everything's dead and brown. Our tulips don't even come up until April. The one good thing about March? Well, more than one.

Good Things about March:

1. March 26-Mom's birthday
2. March 27-Coty's birthday
3. School is out in like three months(ish)
4. No more dark evenings

Bad Things about March:

1. Time change (bumped up earlier now, I think my parents were talking about it)
2. Ugly
3. It's still ugly
4. Still three months of school left
5. AP testing in three months
6. Allergy season
7. It's ugly

Dumb dumb dumb. Me is dumbolina. Lol! I'm so tired! I stayed up too late last night and I'm still (STILL) sick. Woot.

Oh, I think Mountain View won the State Championship in Girls' Basketball. I think. So if they did, WAY TO GO LADY BRUINS!!!

I'm done.