Tuesday, October 12, 2010

i hesitate...but i need to...

Ever since coming back to the blogging community, I've been hesitant to bring up the hard things. I've been afraid to put up any pieces I've written. I've feared judgment. I've also been trying to remember that there are a heck of a lot of people out there who are going through tougher things than I am; I feel like a selfish, dramatic child. I want to help other people. That's what I try to do. Sometimes-I think I need help, too. The times when I need help make me feel guilty. Right now I feel guilty.

I am not into self-disclosure at the moment (despite the first paragraph which just disclosed so much. More than I was planning). I'm having trust issues to say the least. But here, I find that I'm not afraid. Perhaps it is the fact that this is my space. I don't really control who reads or comments, but it's my place to put myself. This is me. Or perhaps it is because I know you-the people whose lives I read and relate to and enjoy from my bedroom. And yet, I don't know you. I don't know your faces. Any disappointment in me, I don't see. And if you stop reading, how am I to know?

Today has been rough. Very rough. There have been temptations and I was almost not strong enough. However, I put away my pride and didn't phone a friend-I texted. Yes. I text. Guilty.

It helped. For awhile.

Then the tears came again. The fear and loneliness and anger at my own stupidity came back. With it came the desire to do something stupid. It's like Oreo cookies: they make you feel better when you eat the whole package, but is it good for you? Eh...not so much. For short term it makes you forget, but the long term it just gives you a stomachache. So now, I'm in my space, and I'm going to put myself back where I belong. Here. With my words.

Broken girl with shattered dreams
clutching the shards tightly in her hands.
Crying from the pain of holding on,
but afraid to let the pieces go.


SandyCarlson said...

Here for you. That's what it's all about. Write. No guilt. Be you.

Woman in a Window said...

Georgie, it is a hard hard thing to do, to trust. First you have to trust yourself.

I don't believe in judgement but it still affects me when I forget that I don't believe in it. No one has the right to judge. God, if we could all just learn that one lesson, imagine! If we could all just be honest and reveal our vulnerabilities we would see the world round, people about in their skivvies. (I think skivvies are underwear despite what the dictionary says. Damn dictionary!)

Let go the pieces. They'll find their way with or without your hold. Living well is a great act of bravery.


Georgie K. Buttons said...

Sandy: Thank you.

Erin: "Living well is a great act of bravery." ... WOW. That's going in my quote book.

Holly said...

you still got my number? feel free to use that one too.