Friday, April 27, 2012

have you ever...

...have you ever wanted someone to get mad at you? wanted someone to yell and scream at you until you started sobbing because maybe, just maybe, you'd have a reason to feel the way that you do?
...have you ever had a strange and ridiculous urge to be and do things you'd never be or do? like tell the person being rude that he is being a total jerk, or shout at someone to shut up, or be an absolute brat to someone who hurt your feelings so that they'd know how it feels? like go out and get drunk, or max out a credit card, or drop out of school for good, or get in trouble with the law?
...have you ever put down whatever you were holding out of fear that you might snap and throw it across the room?
...have you ever bit your tongue so hard to keep from speaking your mind that you actually hurt yourself?
...have you ever regretted something so much that the memory of it sends you spiraling into self disgust? so much regret that you want to stay away from all people?
...have you ever made a mistake but were too proud to admit it? made a mistake that really wasn't a big deal but it eats at you and makes your heart hurt?
...have you ever ached for someone, anyone, to hold you and just let you cry? to see past the "I'm fine" and the "everything's great!" and allow you to be honest for a little while?
...have you ever had someone see past the "I'm fine" and it scares you to death? makes you feel absolutely vulnerable and self-centered because your front slipped, the focus landed on you, and not on the other person?
...have you ever had conflicting, contradicting desires?
...have you ever felt so weighed down and so alone that you can barely face getting out of bed in the morning?
...have you ever been hit in the face with your smallness and insignificance?
...have you ever fought for something with all of your might, mind, and strength and lost it anyway? fought a quiet fight in your mind or your heart and are criticized because there is no obvious growth or change?
...have you ever realized how proud, selfish, ungrateful, and unkind you actually are? realized that so much of you is a mask put in place every morning to cover up what you're really like on the inside?
...have you ever tried letting go but worry that in the letting go, you'll lose a part of who you are?
...have you ever wished? prayed? hoped?
...have you ever kept a secret out of fear of a person's reaction to the knowledge or feeling you're holding back?
...have you ever needed to talk about something but kept it back because you were afraid of burdening someone with what you need to say?
...have you ever debated between going on and giving up?

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