Wednesday, April 11, 2012

why am I not like that?

It's very hard for me to let things go. It's hard for me to stop thinking, and to focus on one thing at a time. It's hard not to immediately react with fear, not to give up before I get started, to see anything between 85 and 94 percent as a good thing, to believe myself as anything other than potential failure.

It's hard to accept a compliment. Saying thank you is easy, but really accepting it is so, so hard. Like this one, "There isn't anything you can't do! Seriously, if I've ever met anyone who could do anything she wanted to do, anyone who could never fail, it's you." I almost burst into tears. The girl who said it meant it. And what if she were to find out what I'm really like--what would she say then?

It's hard for me to get started on something I'm afraid to do. I have a sort of psychological block that makes it difficult to begin something I'm scared I'll fail. I mean, why try if you're going to fail, right? Wasted time, wasted effort, wasted memory on the laptop disk, wasted paper, wasted ink. Yeah, yeah, it isn't a waste if you learned something. I'm just describing the block, and how I think, and what I'm trying to get over. But it's hard. Like these papers that are due tomorrow. Yes, four papers, due tomorrow. 3 are done now. Or done enough (I don't have a clue what my professor wants, the evaluation he gave me completely contradicts the parameters of the assignment outlined in the syllabus). I really like one of the papers, I like another, and the third I halfway like. I'll fix it tomorrow. As for the fourth, I just have no ideas. That will also get done tomorrow.

It's hard for me to see the good things in life, even when I try. So many people I know are struggling with things, but they're smiling and happy and making other people smile. They're not focused on the hard things, they're focused on the good and happy things. I try, I really do. Sometimes it makes everything worse. It doesn't make sense, I know. That's why I keep trying.

There are so many good ways to be, and good things to be, and good ways to do, and good things to do. How do you apply them to your own life? How do you become who you're going to become when you don't know what you want to become? How do you become anything when you don't even like who you are?


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