strung out...

This is a two part post.

Part 1: Today I went on a date. On Monday, Sean casually mentioned to Kevin that I would be free to double on Wednesday afternoon if Kevin were inclined to ask me. So Kevin did. May I say that this was one of the most fun dates I have ever been on?

It started out with the boys blindfolding the girls and leading them around one of the buildings and outside on campus. Since Kevin was my date, he blindfolded me and made sure I didn't fall down any stairs, crash into any walls, or otherwise do anything very embarrassing or painful. I'll admit that when I first saw the blindfold I was scared to death. There was a lot of trust necessary, and that's been kind of hard for me of late (or the past two years) when it comes to men. However, the second Kevin put his hands on my shoulders to guide me, I felt a feeling of total calm and reassurance come over me that I could trust him.

That reassurance was incredible. At once I felt safe and completely the opposite of awkward. I was able to be myself without feeling the need to apologize for everything I said or did! It was amazing!

Kevin is very fun and very creative. Our little adventure through the Institute building went something like this: through a cave (the basement) to the castle moat (outside in a stairwell), passed the dragon (the vents in the parking garage), through a dungeon (the elevator), through a forest thicket (fake trees), under a bridge (a door that he knocked on to make it sound like there was a board I needed to crawl under when there really wasn't), and over a waterfall (more stairs). After getting through all of these obstacles, we made it to our first clue. Let the search for treasure begin!

The other girl wasn't as familiar with the campus as I was, so figuring out and finding the clues fell to me. Kevin and Sean were no help (except when I surprised Kevin with my "brilliant observations" as he called them and he accidentally let something slip). I felt kind of bossy...Kevin didn't mind though. He kept laughing at me, especially when I got a little frustrated and girlishly stamped my foot when he refused to give me a hint.

The final clue led us to the treasure, which consisted of a small blue cooler placed near the fountain in the middle of the Student Center courtyard. Upon opening it, Megan and I found gold coins (some plastic and others chocolate), Lindorf truffles, and two cans of silly string. I asked Kevin which color he liked better, blue or orange, and he said blue. "Good. Can I spray you with it?" I asked him. "I don't know, can you?" he said, while pulling out two of his own spray cans and attacking me with them.

Good grief, that was so much fun! The whole date was a blast, but seeing him whip out those cans was hilarious! He was totally ready for it. I had to work hard to keep from getting totally covered in that stringy stuff. I haven't had that much fun in a long time! In short, it was one of the most epic dating experiences I've ever had. Honestly, I wouldn't mind going out with him again. Kevin is one awesome guy!

Part 2: Aries has been trying to get in touch with me for the past two weeks.
Every time I've kind of shut the door on him (gently). It was easy at first, but all of the sudden I want to talk to him SO. BAD. I just want to go back to him and say I'm sorry that I wasn't friends with him again right away and that I miss him and want it to be the way it used to be. I want to so badly that it literally hurts.

Then I had a thought that has been puzzling me. Why the heck do I want to go back to being friends (or even something more) with a guy who treated me terribly? I'm so frustrated with this, be it normal or otherwise. I don't understand why he keeps coming back, and why I was doing so great at just being distant and now bam: I want his friendship.

At the same time that I want to talk to him or see him, I don't understand how he can expect me to be "best friends" with him again after all he did. I don't know why he says he can't get over me. I don't know why I want him back after the things he did! It's stupid!

It really does hurt. Physically, mentally, emotionally. It's like breaking into pieces, fighting to breathe, smashing your fingers in a drawer. The worst part is that I would really like to burst into tears but I can't. That sounds weird and super girly, but it's the truth.

A friend I talked to about this last night asked me what I want. I don't know what I want. I say that I want to be able to tell him to leave me alone, or that someone could help me to do that. I say I want him out of my life because each time he comes back is more painful than it was before.

I don't know what the right thing to do is.

Right now I'm more afraid of myself. I'm afraid I'll get myself into trouble on a stupid whim because I might not be strong enough to resist this ridiculous pull.