Thursday, November 3, 2011

There was a time when I didn't know what happiness was. Happiness: the variable in my life that continually remained undefined. Then all of the sudden life turned upside down. Instead of a daily struggle to even get out of bed, it turned into heaven with only the occasional bump in the road.

For days I've been hit by sadness, but I haven't known why. Everything is well and truly great in my life, so I've been trying to figure out what the heck is going on. Usually I'm so super happy that it's weird to me. Honestly, sometimes it freaks me out how good I feel. So this unhappiness...I don't know where it comes from. Possible factors: an overwhelming feeling of loneliness; a feeling of being back into a corner with no place left to go; being unable to keep up with a house that needs to be kept clean and organized; insincerity.

None of those things seemed like the most probable cause for this feeling of deep sadness. They contribute, yes, but it's easy to get over those. Those factors will hit for an hour or so and it's back to happiness and joy! Then all of the sudden there will be an out of nowhere crash into this sadness that is literally painful. It's the kind of pain in your chest that makes it hard to breath. Sometimes I find myself wrapping my arms around myself as tight as I can to stop the strange, shaky, weakness because it really does hurt. It's a feeling of vulnerability and fear and crumbling to nothing.

A friend of mine had an interesting thought. She said that maybe I'm sad because I'm so happy most of the time. Now before you think this is insane, let me explain: there has never been a time in my life when I was able to be happy or content with anything. No matter how hard I tried, happiness was always just out of reach. It was like trying to drink water with your hands. You got a taste, but before you could drink it all, the water trickled through your fingers to the ground, turning the dirt to mud. That taste wasn't enough to quench an incredible thirst, and each tiny taste was enough to drive you crazy.

I wonder if my friend is right. For so long I was getting sips of happiness without ever being rid of the thirst for true joy. Lately I seem to be immersed in happiness. Instead of being satisfied and content with all of the goodness, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle it, and I'm drowning.

Drowning isn't pleasant. Neither is being thirsty. Not sure how to balance the two yet...

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