Saturday, May 12, 2012

getting nothing done...

As you've probably noticed, I am a list person. Lists of things that make me smile, playlists of music, to do lists, things I'm thinking about lists, to be lists, this and that lists. If you can line it up with some bullet points, numbers, or dots, I like it.

What I don't like is the increasing length of my to do lists (yes, plural). It is such a struggle these days to get anything done -- my homework, cleaning my room (I've lost many battles, but I am not losing this war), packing up stuff I can store, sorting through things that I no longer need, writing to missionaries -- everything seems so very hard to do. I can't focus, and I don't even want to focus.

Why, do you ask? Because I'm exhausted.

Seriously. I am so, so, SO tired all the time. The worst part of it is that I can never sleep well. It takes me a really long time to fall asleep, and then when I do, I don't stay asleep for long. My greatest wish is to sleep longer than two hours without waking up. When I was younger I could sleep through almost anything -- once I even slept through the smoke alarm that went off when it got a whiff of some wandering cigarette smoke that came in through the air vent. That scared my parents quite badly. They needn't worry anymore. Nowadays the door opening upstairs (which is a flight of stairs above me and on the other end of the house), or the sound of my dad's phone beeping in his room (which is two flights above me on the opposite side of the house from me), or the crickets in the evening and the birds in the morning, or any other number of small noises wake me up.

Not to mention I dream all the time. I crawl in bed exhausted, but due to the number of dreams and their contents I wake up feeling more tired than I was before.

I lack motivation these days. I get the most important things done (most of the time), and then I have no energy left. And so I watch the to do list grow, fretting because of how fast it is lengthening. Then I put it away because item number one is at least attemptable. It doesn't always go as I plan, but I can at least try.'s the easiest thing to cross off...item number one being "take a nap."

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