i'm wide awake...

I've slept for about 12 hours in the last three days.

Just can't sleep. I can honestly say that I am in a constant state of terror. Literally, I'm barely functioning. TERRIFIED (and annoyed because all of the sudden my "o" key is struggling a lot).

However, I found a good way to get my mind off of things. It's called North & South on Netflix. Last night I couldn't sleep, not even with the night light on, so I got on the computer and searched Netflix for kicks. There it was, like a shining, glorious beacon of hope and truth in the dark -- Mr. Thornton and Miss Hale, fighting for their definitions of justice and mercy, passionate in their beliefs and their eventual love.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I only watched two episodes last night -- up until three because I was too exhausted to sleep.

I wish I didn't have to go to school anymore. I'd just stay awake all the time, because I wouldn't have to try and sleep.

On that note, I curse the "o" key and say good night.

spoils of war...

I turned 21 on Wednesday. What a wild year it was -- 20-year-old nobody had quite the ride. And we're starting 21-year-old somebody with some pretty awesome accessories.

What did I get with my birthday money?

A little black dress (lace, mind you) and a teddy bear.

Turning 21 was worth it for both of those things. Thank you, grandma and grandpaw! Thank you, nana and grandpa!

PS I will post about birthday fun eventually. It doesn't end until Monday morning -- we like to draw things out around here. Mostly because of schedules.

a little touch of Harry in the night...

Some of you may know that I tried out for a show at BYU in winter semester of 2012. I auditioned for Henry V, put on by BYU's Young Company. They do adaptations of plays for younger audiences and tour the elementary schools around the county.

In short, the auditions went very well for me and I made it to callbacks. Callbacks went well, too. However, I didn't get cast because when it came down to it, the other girl was a theater major and I am not. 

Talk about disappointment. My mom, who is the dramaturg for Henry V, tried to make me feel better by telling me that it was my major that kept me from being in the show and not my abilities, but it made me feel sadder. Time and again I have faced rejection in theater because I don't have the right connections at a particular place (like the Hale or the Scera) or I'm not in the right field of study. It was really hard for me to not get the part based on my academic background.

It's funny how things change though, because almost a year later, I have suddenly found myself thrown into the cast of Henry V. Due to unforeseen circumstances, someone had to drop out of the show and I just happened to have the time.

Say hello to the King of France, the Archbishop of Canterbury, and the page boy. No, I don't have a multiple personality disorder -- I just get to be three (four, if you count my time as a guard/executioner) different characters in the same show.

Read more about it here.

Wish me luck!

want...

There is nothing I want more than to put on comfy sweats, eat half (or more) of a carton of chocolate ice cream, and sing with Katy Perry as loud as I possibly can. Because days like these I want to drive away, just pack my bags and watch all of those shadows fade.

I'm so tired -- and I don't have any chocolate ice cream because I exercised self-control at the grocery store and only bought the things that I really need.

Not sure what's wrong with me today. It's like being really hungry, so hungry you're empty inside and your stomach is tied up in knots.

Although I'm not physically hungry -- I found these preservative free granola bars at the grocery store which I keep in my pockets and eat between classes. I don't get a break at all on MWF, so I snag a snack when I can. Let me tell you, those granola bars are yummy, yummy. Especially the chocolate-dipped coconut bars. And the peanut butter chip bars. Yummy.

2 hours until I can go home. Cannot wait.

pardon my French...

Okay, I'm going to be straight up honest in sharing these thoughts. Forgive me, but I'm freaking out.

What the hell am I doing?

Seriously. What am I doing? I cannot afford to get involved with a guy again. I cannot afford any more male "best friends" who turn out to be painful lessons that take months (or in some cases, years and therapy) to get over (abuse sucks, just saying).

I like him. I like him. But I keep seeing these little red flags that are bred from a frightened mind remembering the past, and I can't get away from them. Memories and moments crop up out of nowhere -- I duck or flinch or, when feeling most vulnerable, cry "Don't touch me!" and proceed to pass out the second I stand up.

Yes. That did happen.

I catch myself thinking "he's just like everyone else," "all men are the same," "it'll never be different." I keep expecting something awful to happen. I keep waiting to be hurt.

He isn't like that. He is not the past. He is not those other guys. He's good and kind and honest and sweet. And as Chelsea said, "If you set him up for failure, he'll fail from the start, no matter what he does."

Every day, I keep trying. Keep being friends, keep saying hello, keep playing and hugging. And yes, let him hold me when there's a chance for it -- I like it. Because he's different. He is not the past, and neither am I.

Still I ask myself, over and over again, what am I doing?

habits...

I've been thinking a lot about habits, and how uncomfortable I get when a habit of mine is broken. My roommate and I were talking about it in the car on the way to the grocery store (went shopping for the first time in a month today). We are both noticing that each of us do the same things at the same places (though we personally do different things). For example, when we go to Cafe Rio, we both get pork burritos without sauce and with cheese on the top. When we go to Wendy's, she always gets the same combo, and I always get the same combo. When we go to Target, we always go in the same door, and I always have to stop at the nail polish section to see if there are any new colors.

Those are just a few that we share. But I've noticed a lot of my own.

I never leave my bedroom in the morning without first washing my face and brushing my teeth. I hate skipping that. Same with going to bed; if I don't do those two things, I can't sleep. I do chores in the house in the same order every single time, with a set plan for timing and efficiency. Last night when I did all of the chores, I did them in the wrong order and got so thrown off that I almost started over.

I can't open my garage door until I've gotten in my car and shut the door. I take the same route through the grocery store every time I go, starting with produce and working my way section by section on my list (which is written according to the layout of the store). The dishes in the dishwasher are placed, when I load it, in the same spot every time. The pantry is organized by food type, as are the shelves in the fridge and freezer. So are my clothes in the drawers, and even in the closet.

And another really weird habit? I eat my sandwiches, meat, whatever it is, in circles. Seriously. I start on one side and work my way around in a circular direction until it's gone. I even spin my plate in circles (unless it's pasta, soup, or something that doesn't require cutting -- oatmeal would fall into this category, too). My food is particularly organized; so is Chelsea's. When I eat, cook, bake, shop, bag items in the store, put things away -- there is a system for everything that cannot be broken, or I get anxious.

There are all of these bizarre little quirky things that I've been noticing about myself. If I do things differently, it bothers me a lot. I will try new things, like food and places to have fun -- usually I do that out of fear of what others will think if I don't, rather than because I want a new experience.

I guess this realization is coming from trying to break other habits that are a serious problem. Not only that, but I'm trying to feel more -- that's my assignment, to allow myself to feel what I feel, rather than pushing it away or pretending (which sucks and I hate it). All of these weird rituals are truly that: weird.

Funny how I've lived with myself for nearly 21 years (gah, I'm getting older) and am just barely seeing things that I do every single day. I wonder why it's so much easier to observe other people's patterns of behavior than it is to observe our own.

What are your habits?

have care where you watch...

Word of caution: DON'T watch this in the library. You may laugh out loud and startle everyone around you.

spill it...

It came out of nowhere.

One day we were just holding hands and stuff, becoming friends, goofing off, and the next, I'm spilling some of my deepest secrets. What's crazier is that he spilled first. When it was my turn, he didn't judge or even give advice. He let me talk, and when I cried, he held me close and told me that everything will be okay.

I didn't intend to tell him anything. It just sort of happened.

By the way, our first date (Friday) was loads of fun. He took me to see The Hobbit, as when I mentioned I hadn't seen it, he was horrified. Dinner at Macaroni Grill (which I've only ever heard about), a walk through the Christmas lights at the Riverwoods shops, and coloring Captain America in my Avengers coloring book followed.

He's the sweetest guy ever.

The spillage took place last night. I got home from my parents' house to find an unexpected visitor sitting on the couch with Chelsea and Jeff. The four of us went to Applebee's for a last hurrah before school starts (bug). He paid for me -- I was too tired to fight him and the waiter at the same time.

He stayed late, letting me talk about things, just listening. I feel so much lighter, like I was carrying something heavy, and the weight is gone. I feel so much safer, even comfortable.

I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have a friend like him. No matter how this goes, I'm lucky.

December top 10...

1. Begin Again -- Taylor Swift
2. Taking Chances -- Glee cover
3. Daylight -- Maroon 5
4. Skyfall -- Adele
5. Miss Me -- Andy Grammar
6. Too Close to Love You -- Alex Clare
7. As Long As You Love Me -- Justin Bieber
8. Who You Are -- Jessie J
9. Faithfully -- Journey
10. A Team -- Ed Sheeran

i made a better baby...

I am writing to celebrate a momentous occasion. I have now, officially! Slept through an entire night.

It's momentous because that's the first time in years. Literally, years. Even when I take sleep aids, I wake up two or more times and have a hard time falling asleep again. Last night, however, I slept straight through, like I used to when I was a wee thing.

Really, I was a good sleeper when I was a baby. My mom said that she woke up often to make sure I was still alive because I never cried or made any noise. She'd often find me just staring up at the ceiling, thinking whatever baby thoughts I had in the dark nursery.

Or perhaps I wasn't a good sleeper, if I was so often found awake. Maybe I was just a very quiet, very young insomniac.

Sleep feels good.

I could get used to this.

who would've thought...

I have a reputation for being against all the things boys and girls do when they like each other (or just being against liking anyone in general). I also have a reputation for saying things like, "dating is stupid," "I will never be in a relationship," "no more boys for friends," and the like. Just two weeks ago, multiple declarations in favor of independence and vehement protestations against dating and friendships with men were the norm.

I have a right to change my mind, don't I?

Who would have guessed that me, scaredy-cat Georgie, would actually like spending time with a guy? Would actually reciprocate affection? Would look forward to seeing someone, rather than dread it? Sure, we don't know each other super well yet, but who cares? That's the point of dating!

Honestly, though. Who would have thought? Not me, for sure.

Welcome, 2013. Let's see how this thing goes.

picking up where we left off...

I'm not making new resolutions this year. Instead, I'm making a list of things that I have been working on and will continue to work on.

...this year, I will...

...be kinder
...be gentler
...be patient
...be honest
...be diligent
...be healthy
...be smart
...be cautious
...be true
...be active
...be silly
...be involved
...be sincere
...be open
...be driven
...be happy
...be faithful

...in others and myself.