when it hits you...

I can't say I didn't sleep last night, because if I'm dreaming, I'm most likely asleep. I can say, though, that I am quite possibly the most insecure person I know.

Really. All of the nightmares I had last night were incredibly eye-opening. I am so, so, so insecure that it's ridiculous. 

Insecure and self-absorbed. 

Bug.

getting a paint job...

When it's too late to go bowling, you're too full to go to Hang Time, and it's too dark to go to the park...it's time to pull out the butcher paper and finger paints.

Hours of fun. Literally.

Clockwise from top middle: starship Enterprise, the Sun, a shooting star, Superman emblem, Sirius the Dog Star, a comet, an Earth-strangling-cheese-eating space octopus, Earth, and moon cheese

 And of COURSE we painted each other. Much too tempting to resist.

He brings out the best in me...um...

my wee ones...

Another post dedicated to my foster children. Because who can resist faces this cute?

Tasha and Thor -- Tasha her silly self as always, and Thor showing off his good side

I love this girl.

And he loves the camera.

Adorbs, right?

all's well that end's well...

Or in other words, Anything Goes.

That's where I was last week -- Cedar City at the Utah Shakespeare Festival. My family and I went down because mom, as a BYU theater student, somehow got onto a secret special mailing list which gave her a code for half-price tickets to three plays. I saw two: Anything Goes and Twelve Angry Men, the latter of which I liked much better. It had meaning -- Anything Goes was too silly for me.

And to celebrate, our first full family picture in YEARS.

The world's a stage, and we're on it!

family...

Earlier this month, my grandpa suffered two severe heart attacks in the same week. Because my grandma's health isn't great either, they have been set up with a hospice service to help them out.

Side note: what really should happen is they come down off that mountain and live in the city.

Side note over.

A very last minute trip up to the Gorge was thrown together, and I was lucky enough to spend several hours with my grandpa in the mornings and evenings talking about stuff. He talked to me a lot about the break up, and some of the things he said have helped a lot. It was nice -- I didn't even bring it up, and so to have grandpa ask me about it meant a great deal to me. I didn't know that he pays so much attention to my life. I'm probably grandchild 25 out of over 40! Grandpa is great.

Because these isn't a lot to do up at the Gorge, dad set up a horseback riding outing at the nearby lodge. Every time we go up there in the summer, spring, or early fall, we try and go horseback riding. It is so much fun!

Here we are with some of the horses! Meghan (top left) with Vanilla Ice, Amanda (top right) with Wishbone, and me with Wishbone.

Meghan ended up riding with Vanilla Ice, Amanda with Wishbone, and I got a pretty reddish-grey horse named Wolf (who names a horse "wolf"?). Spending time with the horses made me feel super relaxed for some reason. The slow ride through the pretty country and Wolf's sweet personality was great.

Not only was there little to do up there (pretty far from civilization), there wasn't much to eat. So mom and dad took us down to the other lodge  near Dutch John and we had amazing hamburgers and fries. Seriously, they were so good. 

Dad and mom waiting for their orders -- I could barely get them to look away from the TV so I could get a picture. Star Wars: Return of the Jedi was very enthralling.

We have great hair. Just saying.

I love my grandparents. Especially grandpa. Praying for them both!

light 'em up...

Something you should know about me: I love, LOVE. The Provo Freedom Festival Stadium of Fire concert. Provo boasts the largest 4th of July celebration in the country (although I highly doubt that is the case) -- be that true or false, the Stadium of Fire is kick-freakin' awesome.

Something else you should know about me: I love, love, love...LOVE...love, love. Kelly Clarkson. Watch. I'll prove it with this self-created definition of Kelly Clarkson:

Kelly Clarkson (proper noun with amazing vocal chords and adorable personality): 1. amazing, 2. incredibly talented, 3. personal, beautiful, and real, 4. did I mention amazing?

synonyms: amazing, awe inspiring, my voice crush

Yes. I have a slight obsession. It's fine.

Lucky for me, this guy was sweet enough to go with me so I wouldn't have to go by myself.

He also bought me a soft pretzel while I was standing in the eternally long line for the restroom, and this is the change he got back: a 50 cent piece commemorating the 200th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence. Total geek out moment -- of all days to get one of these!

And there she is!!!

This 4th of July was a blast -- wouldn't have been the same without my bestie.

so much...

Can't even write about it, there's so much.

miss independent...

Provo boasts the biggest 4th of July celebration in the state of Utah. They also boast the biggest 4th of July celebration in the United States. However, I'm not entirely sure that is true (and I'm almost positive that it isn't).

As independent as I like to think I am, I'm not. I like doing things with other people, and I often don't do things I like because I don't like going alone. So I was really glad when Ann invited me to see the balloon festival and the parade on the 4th of July.

Sadly, the balloon launch was cancelled due to "inclement aggressive weather" -- and we were sad, because we got up at 4:00am to get a good spot.

The parade was alright, though (if I was somebody else I would say it was great, but parades aren't really my thing). I had fun with Ann and her family, and it was good to get out and do something different.

Jenny and Ann blowing bubbles before the parade starts.

Bubbles and cute nieces.

This cookie? Amazing.

i never understood...

I always knew that breaking up was hard to do, and I thought I had a pretty good understanding of how it feels. There have been times in my life when I had to let go of people I really cared a lot about, a couple of them being guys I almost dated. One I even had to run from, because staying was too dangerous.

It isn't until now, however, that I think I actually understand what it's like to lose the companionship of someone you love more than anything in the whole world.

It sucks.

Now that I know what it's like, I ache for those who are going through similar situations that I am. One friend went through a break up earlier this year, and she still isn't quite over it. She's been holding on, hoping that things would get back together (I, unfortunately, am in the same boat, just in a different sort of way -- every experience is very different, another thing I'm learning). He, on the other hand, has moved on and is dating someone else.

I saw the update on the Internet and my heart broke for her. How it must hurt her to see that he's done and has found someone else to make him happy, while she's still stuck with the pain of losing him, and the future she thought she would have.

I think I understand that better now.

That's one of the things that is the hardest for me, really: that the future I thought was going to happen isn't happening. I thought I had found someone to share my life with, someone to whom I could give everything and be sure that he'd still be there tomorrow.

The day I see him move on will be a hard day -- I like to pretend I'm good at moving on. I'm not. I hold on to things I shouldn't, and I hope for things that probably won't happen -- at least not with the person in question. I'm loyal to people I love, even after they're long gone. People I haven't spoken to in years, who have really hurt me (even the one really abusive guy) -- I still miss them, even though I know I shouldn't.

I wish I couldn't love. Then things wouldn't hurt so much.

But love makes life worth living.