spring break saturday...

Saturday:

• BYU Ballroom performance
• Jordan's house
• Ruthie's house-Howl's Moving Castle

As you've probably guessed, this week has been Spring Break. Saturday was pretty much as epic as Friday, but it wasn't quite as long. I slept in.

BYU Ballroom-My family and I went to the matinee performance of BYU Ballroom Company's show "Encore". It was really, really cool. Some things that I learned:

• Choreographers really, really like Cha Chas, sambas, and waltzes.
• The opening theme of "Pirates of the Caribbean" is a waltz.
• The West Coast Swing champion couple from California? Well-they can be outdanced.
• Costumes really can make or break a dance.
• You can do ballroom dance to hymns!? Yes.
• I suck at ballroom.
• I really, really, really. Suck. At ballroom.

One really cool thing about going to this was that the man we sat to was the guy who taught the ballroom dance couple on the Lawrence Welk Show (spelling?). He used to have a studio in California, and he taught Bobby and the girl he danced with. That was really cool. He told us a lot of stuff about touring and teaching, and he was really nice, too.

Jordan's House-I don't really remember why, but somehow Ruthie and I ended up at Jordan's house (again). We both knew that he was going on a date with Martie to the ballroom performance I'd seen that morning, but we went over anyways. I thought he'd left an hour before, but apparently he hadn't because he was the one who answered the door. Martie and Jordan had decided that she would wear her red Homecoming dress and he would wear his Chamber Choir tux to match her, just for fun. He opened the door all dressed up, and he was wearing his "highway patrol man" sunglasses, and the first thought in my mind was "Oh, gosh. He is hot." And then I felt bad; I don't have a crush on him or anything, and besides, that's disloyal to my best friend. It's a fine line, and I feel like I cross it quite frequently. Makes me feel bad. :P

Anyway, Ruthie and I stayed after Jordan left and hung out with Jason and the kids. They invited us to eat dinner with them (which I did-first time), and then we helped clean up the dishes. A waterfight almost broke out, but only just. I love helping out at their house. It's really fun, and Jason and I mess with each other all the time.

Pretty soon Ruthie's mom called and asked if we wanted to go over to Ruthie's house to watch a movie. That sounded like a good idea, so we did!! And it was fun:

Howl's Moving Castle-So, the book and the movie are very different. And I, personally, think that Howl looks WAY too much like a girl/is too beautiful. It kind of bothered me the whole movie. Other than that it was pretty good. I enjoyed it.

Sitting next to Jason was more enjoyable though. I felt kind of awkward, because the couch was full of people and we were really close, and I was super tired. I was afraid I was going to fall asleep and land on his shoulder or something. Ruthie let me borrow a jacket (which once belonged to Aries kid), and I kind of used that as a pillow. I still felt kind of paranoid, because secretly I found myself actually wanting to be close to him. Stupid girl. I'm ridiculous.

Jordan came over a little later, and he and Ruthie went to buy poster board for their drama assignment which they both forgot about. Jason and Kyle drove me home, and I got a hug again! Hugs from friends are the greatest ever, really.

It was a good last day of break.

spring break friday...

Today I wore shorts for the first time in 5 years. Be proud of me-it was terrifying. But SO awesome at the same time.

Rehearsal-It started out with another rehearsal for "The Valiant" (hereafter referred to as "T.V."). David wasn't able to come, so I had to do my first scene without him. Adam took David's lines and read them in I kid you not the flattest, most boring monotone I have ever heard in my entire life, once in awhile broken by an accent somewhere between Mexican and Middle Eastern. Try playing off of THAT. It was interesting, hard, annoying, AND a good learning experience because I had to keep in character despite the funky voices/boring. Then, after we ran through the show twice, we timed it sitting down reading our lines. 26 minutes. That's long for a student directed one-act. It'll be more like 30 minutes when we finally set everything. Longest one-act of the year. Jasmine is going to talk to Mr. Criman (drama teacher) to see if that's still okay, since he was the one who gave her the show in the first place. We shall see what happens.

And I just have to say-Adam makes everything awkward. On purpose. Because he can. And all the same, I pretty much love that kid. He is so awesome.

Soccer-Next came a soccer game over at the junior high school. Brad invited me, and this was who was there (at least those I know): Tiana, Rachael, Tucker, Brad (of course), Justin, Nick, Hugh, Jason (different one), Jared, and Kevin. I think I got everybody. It was fun-I'm in better shape than I thought I was. The only problems were that it was a little bit cold, and then Tucker fell on his wrist. I could tell that it was swollen, but nobody seemed sure as to what to do. It was kind of ironic; I was surrounded by Eagle Scouts and I was the only who thought to get him some ice and some pain killer with swelling reducer in it. He wouldn't go for the ace bandage wrap idea, so ice it was. Tiana, Tucker, and I drove down to the gas station, nearly getting hit in the parking lot twice by girls backing out without looking. >.<

Some interesting things happened with Kevin. I went and sat down by him because he wasn't feeling well, and he commented that instead of buying a bag of ice I should have just used a water cup and filled it with ice from the soda machine. "It would've been less of a pain, and it's free if you do it that way. Sort of obvious, you know?" It kind of bugged me a little bit. Kevin is my friend, but whenever I'm around him I feel like he thinks everything I do is stupid or silly or far below his level of intelligence and practicality. The only reply I can think of in times like this, such as with the ice, is "Yeah, I guess it was obvious. I'm just not as smart as you." And then he gets this sad look on his face and his eyes go to the ground. He shakes his head and says, "You put yourself down a lot. You shouldn't do that."

Whatever.

Eagle Project-I invited the boys and Ruthie to come over to my house to watch Surf's Up, and Jason and Jordan said they would come "on one condition-that you come to the movie theater tomorrow at 3:00 to help out with Jordan's Eagle Project."

Well, seeing as Jordan is pretty much one of my best friends, there is no way I would miss his Eagle Project unless it was completely unavoidable, so their conditions for a movie party at my house were rather useless. I left a little bit early from the soccer game to go over to the theater where Jordan had planned to plant flowers, trees, and bushes. The older boys/men were also going to be removing some dead trees (chainsaw time). Several of my other good friends were there: Adam (different one), Andrew, Paul, Joseph, Ann, Jane, of course Ruthie, her sisters and mom, and Jordan's family. I was the first one there after Ruthie. I sat down to tell her about the soccer game while we were taking pansies out of pots to put into the ground. I heard someone behind me, and I looked at Ruthie and said "Jason's going to come scare me, isn't he?"

Yep. And even though I knew he was there and heard him say, "What if I came up behind you and did this?" I was super scared and totally screamed when he grabbed me. Pretty much the most outrageous thing he has done since the ice fight (did I ever say anything about that? *smirk*). He's pretty shy, most of the time. Somehow I managed to "chip that shell", as Ruthie called it, and now he teases me like crazy. I think it's funny, and it's kind of fun at the same time.

Anyway, the girls at the project were put in charge of planting flowers in the garden, and the boys got to plant the trees. Jason and I planted four juniper bushes in the time it took Ruthie and Jordan to plant two. Not to mention ours looked nice; they weren't crooked and they were spaced evenly. One word of caution-junipers are pretty but they bite. Seriously, those things are so poky. Then Ruthie and I were assigned to take down some Christmas lights that had been left up on the fence from winter. Problem: Ruthie and I are both under 5' 5". The fence was six feet tall. Tip toes!! To pass the time (we couldn't talk because we had to start on opposite ends of the fence) I practiced my songs for the Ariosa recital at the end of the month. Apparently the man in charge of the musical theatre part of the movie theater (they do a lot of live productions, especially in the summer at the outdoor stage) could hear me through the fence and wants me to come audition. Exciting? Yeah...pretty much. :)

All of the work got done in under 2 hours. Excellent.

Surf's Up-So my youngest sister is a total flirt. And if kind of bugs me. A lot.

THAT aside, it was a BLAST!! Jason is hilarious, Kyle is so sweet, Jordan is adorable, and Ruthie is a doll. Ruthie fell asleep halfway through the movie because she was super worn out. She and Jordan are so cute; he takes really good care of her. I mean, they're "just friends" in a sense, but they really like each other. Then Jason-what am I going to do with him? He's crazy!! Amanda kept slamming me all night, and everytime he'd hit her in the face with a pillow. She'd try to retaliate and miss. And they all spent a lot of time trying to get me to blush. It's a favorite past time of the two oldest boys. They think it's so funny. Well-it's not. Just because "it should be illegal for somebody to blush as much as you do!!" (thank you, Jordan). Gosh. Haha.

Oh, and tonight was the first time that Jason hugged me voluntarily. He's done it once before, but that was only because we'd just gotten home from a date and Jordan kept looking at him like, "Come on. Do something!" It was quite hilarious. Tonight was nice though. It was just a hug, nothing more. Yay, we're friends!! :D

Basically it was a good day. I love my friends.

current status...

• Hungry-no desire to actually eat
  
• Exhausted-too much fun
  
• Sore-Eagle Project, soccer game
• Headache-sunburned/see hungry
• Warm-borrowed Ruthie's jacket (which used to be Aries's-lol)
• Confused-Aries is still in my mind, but then...what about him?
• Distracted-on purpose for various reasons

Overall state of being: exquisitely happy.

The exploits of this Friday and Saturday will be posted later on. I'm too tired right now. :)

busy day...

Today I had a rehearsal for "The Valiant" from 10:00 am-1:00 pm. I auditioned for one acts this year, which are short plays. The Drama 4 class does a unit on directing during the last term of the school year, and each student picks a show to direct. My director is the amazing Jasmine, one of my dear friends. I'm playing the role of the Warden. It's SUPER intense. I kind of love it. In the cast are Adam (James Dyke, murderer), David ([pronounced Dah-vee] Father Daly, priest), and Kate (Josephine Paris, girl who visits Dyke before his execution). From the character descriptions, you can kind of tell what happens. Barely. :) We practiced at Adam's house for a couple of hours, and wrote letters or journal entries from the point of view of our character. Mine was a journal entry, one before the execution and one after. All of the letters/journals were so intense. It was amazing.

When I got home I cleaned some of the house. Most of the living room was all ready finished, but no one had vacuumed. So I did it. And I did it while singing! Because nobody can hear you when the vacuum is running. And then I found out that I was the only one home so it wouldn't have mattered. Then I sang without the vacuum running. Haha. I also sorted all of the games that we have because they've been a MESS and it's been driving me nuts. But every time I think of it, I'm all ready engaged in a task or event. Not so today!! I spent fifteen minutes taking everything out of the cupboard, arranging it all by size, trying to stick it back in with some attempt at order, pulling it out again, and trying over again to get it all nice and neat. I think I succeeded. I think.

Know why I cleaned the house? It wasn't for fun; I don't particularly enjoy it. However, it was for a very good reason. Jason and Jordan and Kyle are coming over tomorrow (and hopefully Ruthie but I forgot to call her tonight-oops)!!!!! Now for intros:

• Jordan-my friend since 8th grade drama class, Jordan is amazing beyond belief. He is a notorious flirt but never hurts anybody. He's incredibly handsome. He's funny, clever, kind, and so full of energy I wish I could bottle it up and sell whatever he runs on because I'd be a millionaire. He truly is a guy worth having around.
• Jason-notice I wrote his name first? Lol...he's Jordan's older brother. He's quite possibly the sweetest young man I have ever met in my life. He is, like his brother, also very handsome. He's very shy and doesn't talk much, but when he does you better be paying attention because it's always hilarious. Or very wise. He took me on a date last week (most awkward date of my life because it was actually a date-lol) and it was fun. Really, lots of fun.
• Kyle-Jordan's younger brother. I'm not sure what to make of him except that he's smart, funny, shy, and quiet. He's more like Jason than Jordan is. At least so far. He's my youngest sister's age, so he's got some growing left. I really, really enjoy having him as a friend.
• Ruthie-I ADORE this girl. She is, without a doubt, my best friend. She's beautiful, funny, a klutz extraordinaire, so talented, kind, and loving. I don't know how I've gotten on without her before. We've always known each other, back since 7th grade. But we've never really, really known each other until about a month or so ago. Things just brought us together. Now we're almost inseparable. When I'm without her, people ask me, "Where's Ruthie?" She told me it's the same when I'm not with her. I kind of love it. The only sad thing is this: she'll be moving the week after graduation, about three hours away to go to school at USU. Three hours isn't a huge deal, I know, but that's a lot different than three minutes. We'll get along, but it'll be kind of hard.

So now you know some of my friends. :)

Dad and I visited BYU today because the new Freshman Mentoring program (required for all new students-you select a group of classes, and if the class you want isn't listed among those you can't take it. At all. Period. So that's why I'm not taking Science this semester because I've all ready completed Biology and I'd fail Chemistry) was giving me issues. The mentor I talked to, a really nice girl named Clarissa, helped me pick a class bundle (one required GE credit and a religion class). I'll be taking Comparative Lit. Honors and Book of Mormon 121 for sure. I can't add any more classes until July. Retarded. All of the ones I need/want will be full. :P

BYU is terrifying. It's so huge, and it's going to be so hard. I feel so completely alone on campus, especially after dad left to go pick mom up from school. I sat outside the art museum waiting for him to come back and get me feeling indescribably tiny. The only reason why I didn't start to cry was because it would be super awkward. The good part was that a guy walked past me and dropped his binder. I picked it up and gave it to him, and he started talking to me. His name was Chase Presley, and his bag told me that he is a member of the Ballroom Company at the school. He was really, really nice and talked to me for awhile. I hope there are a lot of people like him there. Maybe it won't be so bad.

Jasmine invited me over to her house to watch the new episode of "Bones". It was pretty good. Before we watched it, we (Jasmine, Alexis, Trevor, Melinda, and me) made pizza, looked at magazines with ridiculous and sometimes AWKWARD things you never knew you needed in them, and had bubble blowing contests in our drinks with the bendy straws Jaz found. Haha. I won. 37 seconds of bubble blowing, AND I was laughing so I was running out of air faster. We laughed so hard tonight. It was the best.

Then Kevin came over (the man of my dreams who is completely out of my league, which is why I don't pursue a crush on him, lol) and I felt uncomfortable. Mostly because I feel so intimidated by him. He's so amazing-SUPER, SUPER intelligent, spiritual beyond belief, really tall (really), good looking, clever, caring...everything. But anyways, it was a lot of fun. The two of us ended up on the couch next to one another, helping deal out cards for those playing Candyland to keep anyone from cheating. I feel kind of bad though, because he'll tease me or make fun of me about something and it totally leaves a hole open for me to get him back. Sometimes it might be a little bit less kind than I intended. Ugh...I'll have to work on that.

And now I'm feeling a little bit fragile again. I wonder why that happens; great time with friends who I know care about me, and yet I feel like I'm breaking apart again. I don't enjoy that part of things. So I'm going to go to bed, because it's been a long day and tomorrow will be even longer. It will be good-I know it will be good. Look, I'll show you:

• Call BYU and change my major (yes-it's changed again. I'll tell you later. :) )
  
• Rehearsal at Adam's house
• Soccer with friends at Lakeridge (Brad invited me!! No one from that group [Kevin's friends who are my friends too but not so much good friends anymore-it kind of died] has invited me to do anything with them in about 2 and a half years!!)
• Jordan's Eagle Project at the Scera
• Get ready for people to come over
• PARTY with Jason, Jordan, Kyle, and Ruthie!!

I'm excited.

the war begins...

...this. is. so...


...hard...

...and it's only day one...

I knew it would be hard. I knew it would be super hard, but never like this. There have been two thoughts in my mind, constant, no matter what I may be doing. The first concerns the aforementioned Aries and my confusion, fear, and hurt by our mutual failures and betrayals. That's no news-it's been going on for weeks. The second, however, was never this constant, this, well, urgent.

It's because of last night. Before there was always an outlet for the barrage of thoughts. There was a way to get rid of the persistent badgering because the tools were actually available (and no, I don't do drugs). But now they're gone, because I decided to get rid of them. I decided I was going to fight the voices of "you can't", "you're a loser", "you deserve the pain, and you know it will help". Instead of embracing the pricking words as truth, I would throw them off into the dirt and walk away.

These voices have proven to be worthy opponents.

I have entered a battle that I was not prepared for. I've actually been in the thick of the conflict for some time, but I never made a true stand. There was never any push on my part, to thwart the advances of fear and sorrow and self-hatred. Now I have begun to stand fast against the onslaught of lies that my head and heart listen to.

But I am truly not prepared. The voices and feelings, perhaps even chemicals in my body, are strong (or not strong enough, if it still is chemical). They jab in the weakest places, because they know them all. They have been advancing steadily for years; all of the soft spots are well mapped. Onward they charge, throwing all of their force at the still open wounds.

And, somehow, I seem to have misplaced my shield.

steps that cannot be retraced...

...I made a decision tonight...

It was done without thought and out of desperation, a feeling that I have been plagued with for a few days. More like months, actually. I just didn't know it or wouldn't recognize it. I've been fighting off feelings of every kind for a long time; there's no time for emotion, or pain, for that matter, anymore.

But sometimes things happen that crack the pretense of confidence and security. And it truly is pretense. The happy, friendly exterior of a person often hides darker, deeper thoughts and fears. Fears which might even be suppressed and hidden from oneself. It can be shame, or guilt, or escape from pain, or anger at having such feelings. But they are still there: the doubts, the faults, the weaknesses. Each person, struggling day by day through their own personal troubles. Many of which no one will ever know. Many of which, I believe, occur most often inside hearts and minds.

Friendships fail; relationships die. New ones begin, but in all cases the past creeps its fingers into the heart and pries open old wounds-the fear of repeated pain causes one to fall inward. It is the same for things dreamed of, for things hoped for. The long awaited triumph that never comes, the bitter disappointment of being so close, but not making the mark. Dreams, once unwrapped gently like shining glass ornaments and viewed with starry eyes, are placed in dusty boxes and forgotten. Hopes, left untended and alone, shrivel and die like a flower gone too long without water. The continual pain of disappointment often leaves one an empty shell, merely existing. Not truly living.

Every person carries scars. Some scars are only skin deep, with stories behind them, whether sad or brave. Other scars are more painful. Scars of rejection; scars of failure; scars of shame; scars of guilt. Even love causes scars. And sometimes, the personal struggles can leave permanent, easily viewed damage. Broken skin, torn and bleeding, releasing the pain one cannot understand. Broken hearts, brutally ripped apart, beating unevenly in a sobbing gasp. Broken things, tender children with souls of sorrow, faces bent to the ground. For we are all children, in a way. We are all, very much, children, broken and beaten by the world.

I was once told to follow my heart. To do what I wanted most; to be what I wanted to be. I asked them what it meant to follow my heart. In response, I was told "to do what your heart tells you". With a shrug, I replied, "You know, I don't know what my heart tells me to do. It beats-I exist. Nothing more."

...but somehow, things have changed...

There are conflicting thoughts and feelings in my heard. There is terror at the thought of letting go. For so long I have been defined by depression and fear. For so long I have placed a shield between myself and the world. "I can't do it because of depression." "I can't ever be like that because of how I feel inside." "I can't; I'm too afraid." "I'll only fail-why even try?"

...no more...

I know now what I want; I know what my heart's desire is. And this decision-this choice-I pray will set me on the path to what I long for most. It will not be easy, for I am learning that the best choices are often times the most painful. I feel that pain now-the fear to let go-the pain that brings quiet tears and tremors from head to foot. It's terrifying, in more ways than one. But the alternative? The alternative is even more frightening.

My choice has been made. My course is set. The path I have begun will not take me back to where I was earlier this evening. I cannot go back. It will not ever be easy, not as long as I live. But I will learn. I will fail at times, but I will learn how to hope. I will learn how to dream.

...I will learn to live again...

blog much?

So, I kind of suck at keeping a blog anymore. I have the time to do it, I just don't. Possibly because I'll be gone for a few days (rehearsing, Choir Tour-epic, hanging with friends, etc.) and just forget.

I do want to update though, because for one I type faster than I can handwrite so it makes journaling easier, and second I want to share. And this is what I wanted to share today:

Now, I don't usually believe in horoscopes or fortune cookies or anything, but today's was particularly appropriate. Here's what it said:


"Letting yourself get emotional over bad stuff is healthy. Don't rush through it, Capricorn."
Mood: Uncomfortable
Compatibility: Aries

WELL, then...guess what? Totally PERFECT for today, except for one thing. The reason I've been "emotional over bad stuff" of late is due to a young Aries. In other words, a young man who is, in fact, an Aries. And today I talked to him about said emotion (he asked). And today Aries was my compatible sign.

Horoscope FAIL. But, at the same time...horoscope WIN.

say what?