Wednesday, March 27, 2013

i may be a bit depressed...

Rather than sit at my desk and beat myself up for feeling depressed (because that always helps), I am now an objective observer.


My stomach is in knots and I constantly fight throwing up. I think I'm nervous about something, that something being something I have yet to discover (or perhaps I haven't let myself examine in detail?).

Headaches are again a common occurrence, as is a sort of painful fatigue in the limbs, joints, and muscles of my body. The only routine change I can think of is adding yoga back into my life (never thought I'd miss that, but I do), but last semester it always made me feel better. I still feel better after completing a session.

Honestly, I'm always close to tears. I have to be super careful about not letting things set me off (like a song on the radio, a joking remark from a friend, coworker, family member, etc., a low score, among other things).

When I sleep, I have nightmares. When I don't sleep, well. That's no good for anyone.

This self-exam is leading to evaluating what I'm thinking about, or evaluating what I'm not letting myself admit that I'm thinking about. And so. I will now put it in writing and make it legitimate.
  1. I am, without a doubt, absolutely terrified of getting married. Don't get me wrong, I. Love. Adam. So. Much. And I want to be with him forever. All of our talk, though, and the continual progression towards marriage is scaring me to death. Not all of the time, but more often than I let myself admit.
  2. Spending money on a ring...ugh. That is probably the thing I worry about the most.
  3. Neck and neck with that is planning a wedding without causing serious conflict between family members. Shoot me now. But at least my family likes Adam. That's one less thing to worry about.
  4. Finals are in two weeks for me -- my classes don't have finals like the rest of the university does. I'm so behind, and this has been the hardest, worst semester academics-wise for me in my entire life.
  5. Finding a place to live is going to be a nightmare -- and that's after going through the difficulty of moving back home in June when the House owners come back.
Huh. No wonder I feel sick -- never have I faced such huge changes in my life.

Boo. I don't like feeling sad and worried and sick. And I really, really don't like crying. Nor do I have the time to do so.


Whitney Leigh said...

Don't be afraid of being married. Yes, it's a change, and it will take some getting used to. But there is NOTHING better than knowing there will always be someone there at home waiting for you. Who loves every single thing about you. Good and bad. and who somehow makes the bad parts about you seem far less...bad.

And don't let conflict between family members freak you out. YOU are the bride. And the number one rule of any wedding is, THE BRIDE GETS HER WAY. And nobody can argue that. It's the best part about being the bride. :) I had to REALLy stick to my guns on some things that my mother in law was trying to push on me. Our relationship was a little strained for a couple months because it was like this big tug of war. But in the end, it worked out perfectly and everyone was happy. But most importantly, I was happy.

Q said...

Oh, honey.

Also, how long has it been since you last asked for a blessing?

~**Dawn**~ said...

As someone who is married, I can only say that it *should* scare you, at least a little, because then you know you are taking it seriously. We dated a long time before we got engaged and we had a 14 month engagement before the wedding. I have never been so scared nor so certain of any decision in my entire life. And let me say that we are *happily* married. It's a big deal. But if you're with the right person, the second you're with them, the fears settle because you *know*.

As for a wedding? We put ours together for a super small price tag. We did what we wanted, how we wanted. Because this day is only about one thing: committing to each other. Not committing to your friends. Not committing to your families. Not committing to anyone's opinion. It's about the two people making the promises. That's it. Everyone will have an opinion. I smiled politely and thanked them for their input, then promptly went about putting together the day that *we* wanted. And you know what? The people who were there for the right reasons *loved* it. And the ones who didn't? Well, I don't even know because all I saw that whole day was my new husband and the people who love me sharing our joy.