Thursday, July 14, 2011

i'm not crying...

There is a scripture somewhere that says that some people are blessed with the gift of being able to weep. I don't really see how that's a gift, seeing as I may have it. It's hard to deal with, because everything makes me cry. And I mean everything.

Like the peanut butter commercial where the little boy makes his own sandwich and then tells his mom to check her purse, where she finds a sandwich for her that her son made.

Or when a beautiful chord of music is played.

Or when little Amy throws her arms around my neck and whispers "I will always love you" in my ear.

Or when a close friend compliments me on something.

Or when mom slices onions...not that that is an emotional thing.

Crying, to me, has always been a sign of weakness. I fought crying for years. For awhile, I could never cry. Ever. I used to every day during fifth grade. I'd come home from school and cry for hours. Sixth grade was a little better. Then, in junior high, I just decided that I wasn't going to cry anymore. Sometimes I would--usually it would be during school, around friends, because I could only let go when I was surrounded by people. *shrug* Whatever works, I guess.

During my senior year in high school, things changed. I couldn't help but cry sometimes, when I felt too much to keep it inside. Whether because of happiness, or love for my friends, or sadness that the year was ending, I let myself cry. I wasn't embarrassed by it either. It was just part of who I was, and my friends didn't care either. Well, most of them didn't care. Then last year, my first year in college, crying was okay too. In choir, at least one person ended up in tears nearly every class period, because the Spirit was always so strong. It just came with the territory of being a choir member.

That's changed for me. Now, I hate to cry. I especially hate it when other people see or hear it, because it does happen. Too frequently, I think. I've been fighting it a lot. It's bound to happen. I mean, with Jordan gone now (from now on he will be called Elder Raddatz. At least until he gets home), things are a bit emotional. Sunday great is it that he'll remember me in tears? And his brother...I as good as ran away from Jason because I was on the verge of breaking down completely.

Tears are close right now. Especially tonight, with Elder Raddatz in the MTC and the official countdown to two years has begun. That and getting some news that is rather painful, but somewhat expected. Some friendships can't last, no matter how hard you try, and no matter how much you love. I guess I love too much, so it hurts when people stop caring.

I'm proud of myself tonight, because tonight, I'm not crying.

1 comment:

Rebekah said...

It's ok to cry! I do it all the time.