Thursday, September 20, 2012

gotta catch 'em all...

Or not.

Seriously. I am so behind in all of my studies, my housework, my relationships with family and friends, everything. I cannot seem to catch up. By no means have I been procrastinating -- and I am being 100% sincere when I say that (are you shocked?). Every day during my breaks at school I work on my readings and my assignments, and I do the same when I get home. I do little chores as much as I can. Without fail, though, I end up stopping in the middle.

Why, you ask?

Because my head begins to hurt so much that I can't do anything but lie down in bed with the lights off and a pillow over my head to shut out any sounds. When I don't stop, and I push myself, weird stuff happens. Like being unable to form coherent sentences and words slurring together. Like blurry vision and stationary objects beginning to move in wavy, distorted lines. Like throwing up. Like losing my orientation in the universe and falling to the ground (that's embarrassing).

I am so behind. In everything. Particularly school. Reading is the hardest (which is what I have the most of). And work? Wow. The students I tutor must think I'm a total idiot. I honestly cannot get my thoughts across to them at all. They probably wonder why I was even hired.

I'm trying to do all of the right things -- sleeping as much as I can, eating well, doing some sort of physical movement, drinking water, taking the medications (though I wonder if the medications are part of the headache/nausea problem, a side effect that is making an already occurring irritant worse) -- I can't think of anything else to try. If this is just going to be part of my life now, then I need to learn how to deal with it. I don't know how, though, and the research I've been doing keeps bringing me to dead ends. Pain killers seem to have no impact. Besides, I'm not too keen on the idea of taking Ibuprofen or Aleve multiple times every single day. Not okay.

The most frustrating thing isn't the pain. It's the fact that I feel so helpless. I don't have time to be incapacitated so often! I'm in college, for crying out loud. No one is going to make exceptions for me on an exam or in grading my paper because I didn't do a good job due to a sudden headache. I have to do well. 

I have to take care of myself. I can't ask anyone to do it for me. Sure, asking for help on occasion is fine, but I need to be independent. I can't ask someone to always be helping me out. That isn't fair. 

Prayer. Need to do more of that.

1 comment:

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