Thursday, September 13, 2012

tough...

Sometimes she (the she being me) pretends that she is this care free, enthusiastic, happy-go-lucky girl who laughs at every tease and joke made at her expense that she hears. Even if to her, it's actually not funny. Even if it hurts her feelings. Even if it gets inside her head and eats away at her for days after.

Like how when she went out with some friends and ordered a good sized meal because she's finally been hungry, and ate it all, and was still hungry, one of her friends was surprised and jokingly remarked "You are such a pig!" And so she laughed and brushed off the comment, turning it into a bigger joke. When in reality, it was as though the words had slapped her in the face.

The sting has worsened rather than lessened -- I'm already self-conscious about eating in general, and when I actually can eat, I often feel guilty for it after. I usually avoid eating in front of people, and even if there are people in my home I make sure my portions are itty bitty in comparison to others, just in case. It's getting better, with some people. I keep working on it.

The person didn't mean it in an unkind way. It was really just a joke -- after all, most of my friends never see me eat anything, ever. So to see this (for me) abnormal behavior, it makes sense that someone would say something, merely from surprise.

But that doesn't mean that it didn't hurt, and doesn't hurt.

Gotta be tough.

I'll get over it.

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