Sunday, April 7, 2013

road block...

Common relationship advice includes this as the number one important thing to do: communicate. Communicate openly, honestly, and often, about how you feel, think, and what you want.

To that I pose a question.

How do you have an open chain of communication in a relationship when one person cannot voice thoughts and feelings? Ever?

You're probably guessing which person I'm talking about. Yes. That would be me.

I can't talk. By that I mean I cannot for the life of me find words that express how I feel or think, about anything. On top of that, I'm terrified of saying what I want, and have always been that way. I'm afraid I'll be classified as bossy or selfish -- I always do what others want to do, and make every effort to have no opinion of my own. 

There are times when I want to talk, where I desperately wish to say what I think and how I feel. When the opportunity arises, though, I often find myself forgetting what I wanted to say. It's as though by someone asking what's wrong or what I'm thinking about, there's suddenly nothing there. There's no problem to discuss, even if there was one the second before. There's no thought to share, even if I'd been super excited a minute earlier about telling a story or idea. 

I can't find words. I can't remember things I want to say. I can't do it. 

Or, I can do it -- but only with certain people (three, to be precise), and only very late at night when I'm in a sobbing panic, or one on one during a long, painful event of the other person waiting for me to find the words and urging me to spill things out.

Speaking about myself -- thoughts, feelings, desires -- has always been a struggle. However, it hasn't been this difficult in years. I can't make decisions, I can't tell the truth about how I feel (half of the time that's because I really cannot remember what I wanted to say). And it gets worse every day.

What's blocking me, I wonder. Fear, perhaps? Of rejection, of hurting someone else. Pride, maybe? Or a sudden onset of goldfish syndrome?

1 comment:

Q said...

The good news for your relationship is that when the problem is with yourself, YOU can fix it! You can't change someone else, but you CAN change yourself.

It sounds like you already have an okay grasp on what's going wrong. I think you need to remember that people LOVE you, and that we WANT to hear what you think and feel. It's not a burden. It's not annoying. It's not bossy or selfish. We wouldn't be here if we didn't want to know what you were thinking about. If people are around and don't want to know what you're thinking about, they probably aren't worth your time.

Maybe writing helps you––it seems to here. If there's something important you want to express, start writing it down. Maybe that will help you find the words.