Sunday, August 14, 2011

:/...

I don't know why I feel like this, but I don't like it and it won't go away. Each time I try to talk about it, or to ask for help. I chicken out and change the subject to something random, like how the higher the percentage of cacao there is in a bar of chocolate, the louder it snaps when you break it, meaning that the chocolate is richer. That one got me a really weird look once. Or something really obvious, like if you put a piece of ice in your mouth, your tongue will get cold. Another (deservedly) weird look. I don't know why it is so hard to ask for help. Just to ask.

Sometimes I can keep busy enough to keep it...whatever it is...away, and I don't think about it. It's like I'm able to stop feeling and thinking for a little while and just keep moving, working, doing, being. Then when I stop to catch my breath (or try to sleep) it all comes pouring back into my mind. Fear, sadness, loneliness, and the worst of it, anger. Half the time I wish someone would ask me what's wrong just so I could scream at them to shut up and leave me alone. Which is completely ridiculous and unfair, and I'd probably never do that anyway. The other half of the time I wish someone would just hold me and let me cry. Which is also completely ridiculous. I stopped letting people (or at least boys) do that back in the spring. Causes problems, or at least it has for me.

Unfortunately I can't blame all of this on PMS or any other excuse like that because it happens all the time. I suppose we could pin it on depression, which does tend to rear its ugly head even higher near the end of August. Or as a couple of family members have said, it could be due to an attachment to a friend who I am trying very hard not to attach myself to anymore (ha). The idea that a friendship is influencing me like this is an idea that I don't like, and I'm REALLY hoping it's not a factor...so for now I'll stick with the first probable cause. Guess it's time to get back to work on being happy. Weight room, here I come! Unless the creepy guy is in there again...then the track will have to do.

1 comment:

Sierra said...

I hate feeling like this. You are always welcome to text me. I am full of advice (if you want it! :)) stay strong! You're wonderful