Tuesday, June 5, 2012


In my personal opinion, one of the most uncomfortable and unsettling feelings in the world is the one that has been described as "butterflies in your stomach." This feeling is often paired with words like love, twitterpation, infatuation, crush, and others of the like. I, unlike many, disagree with these pairings. It's laced with too much fear and uncertainty. That and the image of little gem stone creatures flying inside me is quite horrible, particularly because their delicate, beautiful wings are probably being ruined by each tickling brush against my stomach walls, the fluttering flickers frantic -- trapped.

Trapped inside me like I myself am trapped by this feeling.

There is nothing lovely about this feeling. For me, it's a feeling of nervous energy, of anxiety. It lodges itself in the pit of my stomach and the center of my heart, causing tiny, continual disconcerting twists and turns. It's this weird combination, one that feels like warm water running through my body and dropping 100 feet on a roller coaster. But the water never turns off and the drop never ends. My whole self is stuck in this uncomfortably warm free-fall, and rather than my mind racing along, it's often blank.

An incredible sense of awareness comes from this. Awareness of the usual things I observe (almost everything) is replaced with awareness of what my body is doing -- awareness that my heart is beating, that my lungs are breathing, that blood is moving through me -- I'm aware of it because things aren't normal. They're irregular and strange and warm and jittery. Clumsy, too. Or clumsier. Extremely absent minded. Unable to speak clearly or think quickly. My mind is slowed down while the rest of me races, unchecked by thought of proper sequencing.

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