my friend Alex...

I have this friend. His name is Alex. He's almost 6' 4" tall. He's on the ballroom team. He's nearly got his AS degree. He has impeccable taste in all things fashion, music, decor, movies, pretty much everything. He's never late, and he always has a plan. He's a wonderful conversationalist, a good driver, and a good cook. Oh, and one of the best parts? He set his iPod to play a Justin Bieber song when we got in the car, "Somebody to Love", just because he knows how much I love Justin Bieber. And he BLASTED it, with the windows rolled down and everything, because it makes me happy to do that.

Alex is one of the best friends a person could ask for, because he's good at being a friend. He cares about you as a person, and he makes sure you know that he's interested in your life without getting too attached or awkward (even though we can be extremely awkward together and it's hilarious). There's no expectation, other than to have a good time.

I'm glad to have my friend Alex. I don't know how I keep being so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life. Must be doing something right!

frustrated but still smiling...

I'm frustrated tonight. Very frustrated. For some reason, being frustrated isn't bothering me as much as it usually would. Normally I'd be storming around the house, trying to find something to do while randomly bursting into tears or shouting at someone for no good reason (yes, I do that sometimes). I don't know how it works, to be frustrated but able to just kind of shrug it off. That never happens to me.

Here's why I'm frustrated:

1. LDC is instigating planned date nights. It's somewhat common knowledge that I don't like dating very much. I'm sure the reasoning behind this idea is good, but I don't like it. I don't want to feel forced into dating, if someone asks me to go. I also want to be a part of the choir activities and socializing, but I would prefer not to do so on a date. So I'm going to get left out in two ways: if I really don't feel comfortable going to an activity on a date, or if I don't even get asked. So...lose-lose situation. I guess just make the best of it. Still, when you have nightmares frequently about dating...we'll see how it goes.
2. BYU won't accept scholarship applications from transfer students until said students have completed one semester or 12 credit hours at the university. Now I'm wondering how I'm going to be able to pay for school. This is tied to frustration number 3.
3. I cannot find a job. I've had interviews, even job offers, but none of them have worked out. They haven't felt right. So I don't have an income at all, my savings are shrinking, and now I've found out that BYU won't accept a scholarship application from me. I suppose I could apply for a grant, but it'd only be half of what I need. Half is better than nothing though. Much better.
4. Everything is changing so very fast. I feel like everyone around me is growing and changing while I stand still, frozen in place, watching the rest of the world speed by in a blur. Lately I feel like my world keeps getting turned upside down. I guess I need to stop standing on rugs, figuratively speaking; every time I find my balance someone jerks the carpet out from under me. No more rugs! I need something stable.
5. I wish people would be honest from the very beginning.
6. This shouldn't be a frustration, but it is: I do not know what to get rid of and what to keep! I have too much stuff! Aaah!

At the same time that I feel frustrated, I'm smiling. There are SO MANY GOOD THINGS IN LIFE. For example:

1. I spent the afternoon with Sean and Ann at Ann's house, where we had pizza and strawberry lemonade. After Sean left, Ann and I got to talk for a couple of hours about all sorts of things. Ann is one of the best friends a person could ask for. It is SO NICE to have a girl to talk to again! All summer it was just me and the boys who were still here. Now, I have lots of choir girls to talk to! And I just adore my Ann girl; she is such a sweetheart! Not to mention she's a red head. I've always wanted a best friend who was a red head. Yay!
2. Brianna invited me to the temple with her yesterday. Her mom and Shelby came as well. Since it was so crowded we were there for nearly 2 and a half hours. It was amazing! Moroni Chapter 7 is now one of my favorite chapters of scripture. Look it up. It's awesome.
3. My dog adores me. She really does. I love having a furry friend to come home to; Misty is always excited to see me! She's learning some new tricks. This week we're working on "give me 5". Misty's kind of getting it. It's more like a punch than a high five, but close enough! I'll take it.
4. Being able to sleep when I am able to sleep is so nice. Whether it's a nap in the afternoon, or sleeping a little later because I couldn't finally relax until around 3am, et cetera, it's great. I'm still tired all of the time, but it's been really helpful to actually get sleep, instead of trying to make it on 3 to 4 hours a night just because I couldn't fall asleep.
5. There is a young man who has the most beautiful smile I have ever seen in my life. He sits kitty-corner from me in choir, so it's easy for me to glance over at him when something amusing happens in class. There's something so wonderful about a guy who isn't afraid to full on smile. Especially when that smile belongs to an incredibly handsome face! Yes, it's enough to make me smile. And blush. And get...dare I say it...butterflies!
6. I wrote a letter to Jordan on a napkin today at Ann's house. It's the most random, confusing letter ever. Front and back, with doodles and stories and poetry and all sorts of things for my missionary friend. Ann wrote him a note on the napkin, too, and she signed it Carrots (because her hair is red). He's going to be so confused! It was way too much fun!
7. You know, I can't figure out how there are so many wonderful, good, virtuous people in my life. I just don't know how that happened. I am so incredibly blessed to know all of these people. Really and truly blessed.
   

SMILE! It looks GOOD on you!

harvest...

I have found a new happy making activity. I picked my mom up from school last week, and we stopped at the university's weekly farmers' market. Total treasure trove of wonderful! We got a bushel of peaches that are absolutely the juiciest peaches I've ever had the chance to taste. We met the sweetest girl ever, a young woman in a wheel chair because her legs have never worked, who sells necklaces made out of Scrabble tiles and pretty pictures (I bought one). She is truly amazing! Mom found the most amazing honey butter ever, and I found cranberry orange bread which was also amazing. Even better? The man selling the bread makes it himself, he's got the coolest British accent ever, and he was pretty darn handsome. But the best part? The apples.

Oh. My. Goodness. I never thought a piece of fruit could be so beautiful, or so delicious. Mom bought a bushel of the apples because 1) they were so, so good, and 2) the apples were absolutely gorgeous and I was kicking myself for not bringing my camera with me, so she got them so I could take pictures at home.

Farmers' Market field trip = one of the best ideas my mom has ever had. And I did take pictures of the apples the day after our adventure. They're beautiful. And so good. Let me introduce you to the Connie apple:






Beautiful little things.

weekly poem...

Changes

The leaves are beginning to change.
They flutter slightly in the breeze, a haze of
yellow-tinged green,
growing brighter every day in the fading light of summer.
I study the colors of the sky;
the grass;
the plants in the garden.
Everything seems sharpened in the suddenly crisp air,
touched by the lengthening shadows
of autumn’s fall.

-Georgie K. Buttons

"The Help"...

I love to watch movies. It's an escape for a couple of hours, a time to relax and expend less brain power than I would being asleep. Or so it feels at times. Getting wrapped up in a story, meeting new characters, visiting places I've never been (and may never go, especially if it's Valhalla or Hogwarts or Naboo). It takes my mind off of things. Like tonight, exhausted and sick (again). My mom had to watch a movie for one of her classes at the college. At 10:00 she came down to tell me good night, but then she told me to grab my shoes and come along.

We went to see "The Help", a movie about African American women who worked as maids in the homes of Caucasian families. Talk about a roller coaster. Half the time I was on the edge of my seat anticipating some horrible disaster (which happened, but wasn't graphic like I was expecting it to be...), and the other half I was either silently fuming or slightly smiling.

People are so interesting. How they start out as children, who generally speaking are neither spiteful or vindictive. It's fascinating to think about, why people end up the way they are in their teens or 20's or 60's. How they get there, why they get there. Truly fascinating.

I love doing stuff with my mom late at night. It's pretty much the only time we ever get to do anything, with her being so busy with school. It's fun for it to be just the two of us. That doesn't happen very much, and I'm realizing that this will probably be the case a lot in the future. So thanks, mom, for letting me help you do your homework. Let's do it again sometime. :)

oof...

There is a rather large flaw in my personality. I have no self-control when it comes to money. Or I try to have self-control and I do great! For awhile. And then I see a necklace that would go perfectly with my best friend's church outfit, or I have to keep the tradition of buying my dad a licorice pipe every time I go to Gardner Village (really, I have to keep those stupid little traditions or I get so nervous that something bad will happen), or I want a sister to cheer up after a hard day so I buy her ice cream. Those are just a few examples. So I go about the day saying in my head, "I cannot buy anything. I will not buy anything. I have no job, no income, no money to spend. So I just won't do it."

Ha...thaaaaat lasted all of 12 hours. As usual. Because, SURPRISE!! I just spent money. Too much of it.

In my defense, I saved nearly $90 by shopping smart (if any shopping I do right now could be considered smart). BOGO sales, clearance, all that jazz. And I'm actually excited about a lot of the stuff because it's all CUTE. Or at least cute to me.

I still spent too much money. That's what I get for vanity. Nothing but what I deserve.

Resume updating begins tomorrow. Employment is looking pretty good right now. Pretty dang good.

asking why...

I am often guilty of asking "why". Not just when I want to know how something works or the reasons behind a particular philosophy or anything else that has a why to be found. I ask the why of things I can't control.

Why did that happen?
Why did so and so say that to me?
Why can't I be like that girl over there?
Why did that friendship end when I did everything I possibly could to save it?
Why am I shy and nervous instead of outgoing and fearless?
Why did my sisters get the slender, willowy genes and I didn't?
Why did he pick her and not me?
Why is this happening to me?
Why?
Why?
Why?

I need to change this. Focus on the things that I can control, that are relevant and of higher priority. I say that now. Does that mean I'll be able to do it in 24 hours? Heck no. But I can always try.

i done been stepped on...

You know the saying that people use when they get a chill or something? It's "somebody is walking on my grave" or something. Well, I think somebody is stepping on mine quite a lot lately. I keep getting chills all over, starting from my heart and spreading outward, through my arms and legs to my fingers and toes and back again.

I don't even have a grave though so...I dunno. Man, I'm tired! So tired I'm silly. Or as my sister once said, "I'm so tired I'm stupid!"

Stepped on...ever feel like people stomp all over your heart, intentionally or otherwise? Yesterday...*sigh*. Stepped on. Stomped on. Crushed. Again, and it's my own darn fault, really, for volunteering to drive my friend to see his girlfriend because my car gets way better gas mileage than his does. I mean, we were both going there anyway (one of my best friends lives across the way from the girl, who is another friend of mine), so I didn't see much point in us going separately. But after yesterday? I am so not doing that again. I just can't do it. Seeing them together...man. MAN. Bearable? Um...like I said, I'm not doing it again.

This is like a case of whiplash. A bad case of whiplash. You try to ignore the stiffness of your neck by being careful. You're doing great for awhile. It actually starts to get better. So great, in fact, that you forget and turn your head and BAM. Pain. And it gets stiff again, so you start being careful, et cetera.

Thankfully whiplash does eventually heal. The muscles get better and go back to normal, and you can turn your head just fine. I just wish my "whiplash" would heal faster.

In the meantime I'll go back to wondering who is stepping on my grave because these weird chills won't go away. Not even with two down comforters, a regular quilt, and three fleece blankets. Silly.

weekly poem...

Fool's Errand

Alone, like a feather in the air,
An occasional sadness the weather knows
Comes to earth as a bend in the road.

The winter is at its most instructive
As other sadnesses fall
Across the democracy of objects.

Those that aren't shy
Introduce themselves—
Fool's Errand, Clowns of Anguish—

The Equitation of Beautiful Young Girls
Is an exemplary sadness,
As is The Whale's Parasol.

I want to part company
With linear extent,
Congenital heartbreak,

Where the raven goes and snow comes from.
I want distance washed clean,
Unencumbered by facts;

The red cactus flower
To slip into my shirt at dusk
And be the heart's boat.

I want Clowns of Anguish to raise the sail,
And a white handkerchief
Waving from shore.

-James Galvin

it's been a good day...

Today has just been good. From start to finish, it's been. So. Good. Seriously. Seriously. Good. And to end it, here is a very funny thing I found on Facebook that made me snicker. I thought I'd share:

"The hobbit you just called fat? He's skipping 2nd breakfast. The dwarf woman you called ugly? She spends hours braiding her beard so you can differentiate her from a dwarf man. The Uruk-Hai you just killed? He's been abused by Saruman. See that Gollum creature? For 500 years the Ring poisoned his mind. That Elf you just made fun of for crying? She's being forced to leave Middle Earth, never to return. Put this as your status if you're against bullying in Middle Earth."

i scream...

For da ice cream!!!

Oh yes. I will scream for da ice cream. Because da ice cream? It's da bestest.

After choir yesterday, I was really sad. I'd been trying to just go along like nothing was wrong, but I guess I'm not good at hiding things (duh). A couple of friends asked me how I was doing, and everything just sort of broke through the flimsy barrier that had been hastily constructed overnight. Sierra and Brady helped me so much--Sierra listened and when she did, I felt a wonderful feeling of safety and reassurance that things would be okay. Brady shared some of his own experiences and taught me that pain and peace can exist side by side (he also shared a scripture that I keep in mind now, Matthew 11:28-30). Both of them helped me to feel peace, and to feel loved. SOOO very thankful for both of them; they are two of the most quality people you can meet.

Ann, Brianna, and Shelby had a different sort of remedy for my sadness. We met up at Smith's in the evening and bought ice cream. Lots--and I mean LOTS--of ice cream. Triple Brownie. Rainbow Sherbet. Caramel Praline. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. Mint Chocolate Chip. And Sprite, to go with the sherbet so we could make frappe. Exciting much? I think YES. We took our miniature ice cream shop to my house, and we used the biggest bowls in the cupboard. Ice cream much? Yeah. It was great to sit out on the porch eating ice cream and enjoying the beautiful almost autumn evening, just us girls. My sisters and my little dog Misty joined us as well. Misty adores Brianna. I kind of think the feeling is mutual!

It was so good to be with my friends. It was so nice to feel loved and cared for, to be accepted and understood. I am truly blessed, more blessed than I can comprehend, to have so many wonderful people in my life.

vacation pictures...

So I went on vacation this summer with my family. It wasn't your typical vacation. It was more of a "staycation", really, due to the multiple work schedules our family has and the inconvenient car troubles. It all fell into place, though, and was quite enjoyable. Wanna see? I show you. :)


We went to the zoo.








Then we went to Lagoon.











And last we went to Grandma's.

It was definitely a very fun week.

nightmare...

I fell asleep this afternoon after having a not so bad day. I was doing alright, actually. Cried a little. Looked tired enough for people to guess that something was wrong (I wasn't trying to be consoled; I was just trying to make it through the day without falling apart). I even laughed and smiled and had a wonderful lunch with one of my dear friends. It was great!

Then I got home. I forced myself not to cry, not to think, not to do anything other than focus on how soft and cozy the bed was. It worked. I slept.

I dreamed about the situation that's going on right now. When I woke up, my first thought was, "Wow. That was a nightmare. I'm so glad it was just a dream."

Then I realized it wasn't a dream. It was reality. I'm not very happy about this. Just sayin'.

could be worse...

This post is stupid. Beware. But I'm doing it anyway.

Shattered. Devastated. On the upside of destroyed. Lost. Heartbroken. But despite it all, not surprised. Surprised at the pain, though. That does surprise me.

Dramatic and pathetic, I know that. But it's how I feel tonight. For example: 3 hours and 2 sleeping pills later, I still cannot sleep. I can't get it out of my head. I can't get it out of my heart. I can't stop thinking. And after a whole year of trying, I still can't let it go. Even though now I have no choice. I have to. But I can't.

It hasn't been the worst 9/11 ever. I'm thankful for that.

day 90...

a picture of myself today & 3 good things that happened in the last 24 hours...

1. Photoshoot with Michelle (which is where this picture is from, taken this evening). I love that woman. She is so funny, and so kind, and so talented. I'm so lucky to have her in my life.
2. The Chocolate with my dear friend Coty last night (it's within 24 hours of right now, so it counts). Those lemon bars we had? Ohhh...they were so delicious.
3. Catching up with my darling adopted little sister Kayla at her house when I surprised her on my way home from my photoshoot. She is adorable.

That's it for my 90 day challenge! I made it, albeit with a few detours and such. But I made it! On to the next!

missing...

It’s amazing to look from this point in the present
to the past,
back to where we started.
Yesterday.
Yesterday was us.
You were here. I was here.
We were laughing at something silly I did
or something awkward you said.
It was predictable to be
unpredictable.
Never a plan, never a moment to expect anything
but the unexpected.
Today.
Today is not yesterday.
Today is not us.
It’s you there. It’s me here.
It’s you gone on to the next step in your life.
It’s me sitting on the steps wondering who I’m supposed to be.
Today is me,
wondering what tomorrow will be.

day 89...

a picture of something I could never get tired of doing...

I kind of love to read. A lot. It's one of the most wonderful things in my life, being able to pick up a book and fall into a story. Yes, sometimes I get a little bored of a particular story, or my eyes start to hurt after two hours of moving my eyeballs in tiny zigzag patterns across a page so I have to stop BUT I love to read. There's something incredible about a story, where it can take you, and who you meet. Being able to read is a skill, a gift, that I treasure.

The library is a wonderful place. You should go sometime. ;)

day 666 uh I mean 88...

Whoa, devil post! If I were my grandma, I'd stop this blog at post 665 and start a new one. But I'm not my grandma, so I'm just gonna "tempt fate" and leave it be! To be honest, I never thought I'd get this far...I'm not a very good blogger!

Anyway, 90 day challenge continued.

a picture of my favorite music genre...

I like to pretend I'm country and all that. Oh, and someday I will own a pair of cowboy boots. Just sayin'.

August top 10...

1. Just a Kiss-Lady Antebellum
2. See No More-Joe Jonas
3. Something to Believe In-Parachute
4. Say Hello to Goodbye-Shontelle
5. Nothing-The Script
6. Skyscraper-Demi Lovato
7. If I Die Young-The Band Perry
8. A Little Bit Stronger-Sara Evans
9. Edge of Glory-Lady Gaga
10. E.T.-Katy Perry

What does your playlist look like?

weekly poem...

Curtain Up

Every time I’m with you is like
preparing to go onstage.
Knees begin to shake;
heart begins to drum;
stomach full of frantic,
fluttering butterflies.

Anticipation.
Exhilaration.

Sometimes, even dread.

Take a deep, steadying breath
and clasp my hands tightly
behind my back.
Try to keep them from reaching up
to my hair, or in some cases,
yours.

The music starts,
the lights flare bright.
Curtains open onto
figures in vibrant colors,
busy going about their
memorized lives,

oblivious to me and you.

And you, oblivious,
to me.

Georgie K. Buttons

while you were out...

My aunt sent me this video. I haven't laughed that hard in days.

feeling...

I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling like everything I do is going to get messed up, that every friendship I begin is going to crumble, that every dream I have is going to end in failure. I hate feeling so incredibly sad for no good reason. I hate feeling so trapped by things I don't understand about myself, no matter how hard I try to learn.

I love feeling the arms of a child around my neck. I love feeling the bubbly rush of laughter that comes unexpectedly when I remember something that happened. I love feeling like a hero for bringing a little girl a snow cone on her birthday. I love feeling warm and snug and cozy in a huge hug from a friend. I love feeling at peace when I learn new things about the gospel. I love feeling silly and free with my sisters and closest friends when we just do whatever girls do at the moment is sparks their interest to do it. I love feeling the truth of new information, or having old information validated. I love feeling happy.

I don't hate feeling. What I hate is being seemingly unable to hold onto happiness for longer than a few moments, even when I force myself to remember all of the goodness in my life. The awful, bitter, empty feelings don't go away.

That's what I hate about feeling: when it's not a good one.

oops...

I thought I'd scheduled posts while I was on vacation, but it appears that I left off at day 87 for the 90 Day Picture Challenge. Oops...I'll get pictures and post them asap. Go figure that I'd get sidetracked again with only three days to go!!