frustrated but still smiling...

I'm frustrated tonight. Very frustrated. For some reason, being frustrated isn't bothering me as much as it usually would. Normally I'd be storming around the house, trying to find something to do while randomly bursting into tears or shouting at someone for no good reason (yes, I do that sometimes). I don't know how it works, to be frustrated but able to just kind of shrug it off. That never happens to me.

Here's why I'm frustrated:

1. LDC is instigating planned date nights. It's somewhat common knowledge that I don't like dating very much. I'm sure the reasoning behind this idea is good, but I don't like it. I don't want to feel forced into dating, if someone asks me to go. I also want to be a part of the choir activities and socializing, but I would prefer not to do so on a date. So I'm going to get left out in two ways: if I really don't feel comfortable going to an activity on a date, or if I don't even get asked. So...lose-lose situation. I guess just make the best of it. Still, when you have nightmares frequently about dating...we'll see how it goes.
2. BYU won't accept scholarship applications from transfer students until said students have completed one semester or 12 credit hours at the university. Now I'm wondering how I'm going to be able to pay for school. This is tied to frustration number 3.
3. I cannot find a job. I've had interviews, even job offers, but none of them have worked out. They haven't felt right. So I don't have an income at all, my savings are shrinking, and now I've found out that BYU won't accept a scholarship application from me. I suppose I could apply for a grant, but it'd only be half of what I need. Half is better than nothing though. Much better.
4. Everything is changing so very fast. I feel like everyone around me is growing and changing while I stand still, frozen in place, watching the rest of the world speed by in a blur. Lately I feel like my world keeps getting turned upside down. I guess I need to stop standing on rugs, figuratively speaking; every time I find my balance someone jerks the carpet out from under me. No more rugs! I need something stable.
5. I wish people would be honest from the very beginning.
6. This shouldn't be a frustration, but it is: I do not know what to get rid of and what to keep! I have too much stuff! Aaah!

At the same time that I feel frustrated, I'm smiling. There are SO MANY GOOD THINGS IN LIFE. For example:

1. I spent the afternoon with Sean and Ann at Ann's house, where we had pizza and strawberry lemonade. After Sean left, Ann and I got to talk for a couple of hours about all sorts of things. Ann is one of the best friends a person could ask for. It is SO NICE to have a girl to talk to again! All summer it was just me and the boys who were still here. Now, I have lots of choir girls to talk to! And I just adore my Ann girl; she is such a sweetheart! Not to mention she's a red head. I've always wanted a best friend who was a red head. Yay!
2. Brianna invited me to the temple with her yesterday. Her mom and Shelby came as well. Since it was so crowded we were there for nearly 2 and a half hours. It was amazing! Moroni Chapter 7 is now one of my favorite chapters of scripture. Look it up. It's awesome.
3. My dog adores me. She really does. I love having a furry friend to come home to; Misty is always excited to see me! She's learning some new tricks. This week we're working on "give me 5". Misty's kind of getting it. It's more like a punch than a high five, but close enough! I'll take it.
4. Being able to sleep when I am able to sleep is so nice. Whether it's a nap in the afternoon, or sleeping a little later because I couldn't finally relax until around 3am, et cetera, it's great. I'm still tired all of the time, but it's been really helpful to actually get sleep, instead of trying to make it on 3 to 4 hours a night just because I couldn't fall asleep.
5. There is a young man who has the most beautiful smile I have ever seen in my life. He sits kitty-corner from me in choir, so it's easy for me to glance over at him when something amusing happens in class. There's something so wonderful about a guy who isn't afraid to full on smile. Especially when that smile belongs to an incredibly handsome face! Yes, it's enough to make me smile. And blush. And get...dare I say it...butterflies!
6. I wrote a letter to Jordan on a napkin today at Ann's house. It's the most random, confusing letter ever. Front and back, with doodles and stories and poetry and all sorts of things for my missionary friend. Ann wrote him a note on the napkin, too, and she signed it Carrots (because her hair is red). He's going to be so confused! It was way too much fun!
7. You know, I can't figure out how there are so many wonderful, good, virtuous people in my life. I just don't know how that happened. I am so incredibly blessed to know all of these people. Really and truly blessed.
   

SMILE! It looks GOOD on you!