Saturday, September 3, 2011

feeling...

I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling like everything I do is going to get messed up, that every friendship I begin is going to crumble, that every dream I have is going to end in failure. I hate feeling so incredibly sad for no good reason. I hate feeling so trapped by things I don't understand about myself, no matter how hard I try to learn.

I love feeling the arms of a child around my neck. I love feeling the bubbly rush of laughter that comes unexpectedly when I remember something that happened. I love feeling like a hero for bringing a little girl a snow cone on her birthday. I love feeling warm and snug and cozy in a huge hug from a friend. I love feeling at peace when I learn new things about the gospel. I love feeling silly and free with my sisters and closest friends when we just do whatever girls do at the moment is sparks their interest to do it. I love feeling the truth of new information, or having old information validated. I love feeling happy.

I don't hate feeling. What I hate is being seemingly unable to hold onto happiness for longer than a few moments, even when I force myself to remember all of the goodness in my life. The awful, bitter, empty feelings don't go away.

That's what I hate about feeling: when it's not a good one.

1 comment:

Jason said...

You know what I love? This post, and you. You're awesome, and you put it in words I couldn't myself.

I also hate that feeling... And I loved the feeling of teaching a little kid the importance of getting only what you can afford, or that there are fun rewards for working hard and saving up. Some people complain about a crappy job... but it's worth so much more for people like us, I think.

This is one friendship I know will never crumble, for both of our sakes. Thanks for lightening my day. :]