Wednesday, December 21, 2011

nothing...

I've been sitting on my bed for the past twenty minutes trying to wrap my head around all of the thoughts that are flying through my mind. There is so much going on in my head: to-do lists, conversations, memories, song lyrics, problems I need to sort out, frustrations, lists of blessings and people, things I wonder about. And the strangest thing about it is the utter lack of feeling occurring inside me right now. I literally feel nothing. No pain, no joy, no anger, nothing. At this point I'm merely made up of thoughts that are absolutely disconnected from any emotion.

Earlier in the day I was full of emotions. The range was from one end of the spectrum to the other, from the violent, furious reds of rage to the calm, serene violets of peace. I was all over that ROY G BIV mood necklace palette. For example (just a few):

Anger-I am very, very tired of people who I consider friends trying to discourage me from going on a mission. They all say the same thing: "I don't want to discourage you, BUT..." and off they go with all of the reasons they don't think women should serve missions. If it was just one person, fine. That's one person. However, it's more than one, and it's always a man. I shouldn't care what they think, but when it's a friend saying it, I DO care. I finally just tell people that I don't want to talk about my mission plans with them anymore because I don't want to stay angry or say something that will cause an argument.

Discouraged-See above. Money. Worries about going to BYU. Being unable to keep up with housework. Still coping with some health problems that I don't understand.

Sad-See above. I miss Jordan. I miss Shelby. Saddened by the fact that I can't talk to some of my friends about one of my sincerest desires to go on a mission because they think it's stupid and selfish for a woman to serve a mission (yes, they said that). I also don't feel good enough to go to BYU, and I feel that each good thing I try to do isn't good enough.

Happy-I have amazing friends. I have amazing opportunities. I have the knowledge that the Savior loves me and that I am a child of GOD.

Fearless-With God, all things are possible. So why do I feel sad and discouraged, too? Meh.

Hyper-Caffeine...good friends...making cookies...Christmas activities...BBC's Pride and Prejudice with Colin Firth and Jennifer Ehle...

Now I've gone from all of that to nothing. Just nothing. No worries, no fears, no anger, no sadness, no happiness, not even tiredness. How can a person feel nothing? The absence of emotion is odd. My mind says it should unsettle me, but I don't feel very unsettled. Absence of emotion, remember?

While I don't feel unsettled, I neither feel content. I'm just here, sitting on the bed typing and thinking. And another nothing: no interest in men. That is weird. It's like I just flipped a switch on Thursday night and any attraction to anybody was shut off. Yeah, yeah...it'll last all of one more day at the most, I know. You don't need to tell me I'm silly. You can if you want to though! I don't mind.

2 comments:

Erin Day said...

I've heard several men say that if there weren't any sister missionaries, then nothing would get done on the mission. I wish I could serve a mission. But every single time I try to pray about it, I get a, "Sorry, the answer is still no...you can make your own decision and you'd be a wonderful missionary, but I'd prefer if you didn't"
Don't let other people's comments or opinions dissuade you. Because what they have to say doesn't matter. It's what Heavenly Father says that matters. You will be a fantastic missionary. You are good enough for BYU, it might be a hard transition, but I promise it's great. As for money, try for pell grants and those weird scholarships that float around that you just have to write an essay for.
Sarah. You can do anything. Don't give up because it seems hard, or because no one seems to be supporting you. You are capable of so much.

Georgie K. Buttons said...

I just looked for a like button...

Thank you so much, Erin. You're an angel for me tonight. I love you.