Friday, December 16, 2011


Picture this: Five people on a love seat. Three boys, two girls. One boy and one girl in a relationship on one end of the couch. One boy, one girl, one boy on the other. Odds are that the three extra people on the couch are going to get pretty squished to make room for aforementioned couple. Which is no big deal--they're cute together and it makes me super happy. However...I'll just spill it. I ended up in what you might call a cuddle, one boy on either side. Behind me with his arm around my shoulders one friend, in front of me with my legs across his knees a second friend.

I never do that. Sure, I like hugs (sometimes), and I've been held before, but cuddling? I don't do that.

There was a practical reason behind the whole thing. Two reasons, the first being that there was no way we could all fit on that couch sitting side-by-side (we tried it), and there was no room on the other couch or the floor (there were about 17people watching a movie in Teddy's apartment), so it just made sense to squish up. The other reason was that despite the number of bodies in the room, I was cold. I'm always cold, it's just a fact. So these two boys were keeping me warm. Practical. Right?

Now I'll admit what I'm oops-ing about. I liked it. I liked being close to somebody (in this case two somebodies). I was warm and (eventually) relaxed, so much so that I almost fell asleep. I felt safe. There aren't any feelings beyond friendship between me and these two friends (that I know of), but it was still just nice. The problem: I did like it, and generally when you like something you want it again. No bueno.

I don't want to be the girl who needs to be held by a guy to be happy. Already it's hard being single when most of my friends are dating. I'm not. I rarely, if ever, date. There's already a loneliness inside of me, especially now that my best friend is all of the sudden receiving a ton of attention from men and I stand there next to her nearly invisible. They don't notice me anymore when I'm with her. They used to notice us both, but not anymore. I'm glad that's happening to her because, though she denies it, she enjoys it. I like seeing her happy. However...ugh. Being invisible is kinda hard, you know?

Anyway. Loneliness...that's also hard to deal with. I don't need to make it worse by being stupid. I am perfectly fine on my own. I don't need a man to make me happy. So there! :)

Yeah. Oops.

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