Wednesday, June 1, 2011

you're an unpleasant surprise...

Aries strikes again. And this time, he has officially struck out.

When I got out of the shower today I noticed that there was a text from Aries on my phone. He was wondering if I was at home. Yes, why, I said, knowing that he probably would invite himself over. Which ended up happening. I was home alone, so before he could tell me he was coming over I called in backup. Ruthie told me she could be there in half an hour, shortly after Aries would arrive.

He and I didn’t talk about anything. Ruthie deflected the one time the subject came up, when Aries started off by asking me if I still hate him. I told him I don’t, and he said, “Well, you sure made it sound like you do. Seeing as you pretty much told me to go jump off a cliff.”

I never. Ever. Said that. Or anything like it. When I told him so, he said that yes, you did, and then Ruthie broke in loudly saying that she couldn’t find the last two pages of her script for the play she is in. I was very glad she did that, because I was pretty sure any conversation Aries and I started would end very badly. Which kind of happened anyway. After he left, he texted me. All day long I’ve been fighting between anger and heartbreak.

He asked me if I still like him. Here’s where I lied. I really do have feelings for him. Still. Even though I shouldn’t. But it’s not safe for him to know that. If he knows, then he won’t let it go. So I lied. I told him no. Ruthie said it was for the best, too. Then he said he'd wasted my time. I told him he hadn't. Another lie, this time halfway. It was good to see him. At the same time, though, I was wishing he’d never come. While he was sitting there, I just wanted him to leave. It’s impossible to feel safe with someone you don’t, and can’t, trust. It’s hard to be with someone who you are afraid of.

Again, he told me to have a nice life and that I won't be seeing much of him anymore. For some reason, I started to cry. For all of two minutes. Then he said this: “And I’m not shallow enough to stop seeing you because you don’t like me. It’s because I disagree with how you dealt with things.”


ExCUSE me? How I dealt with things? Yes, I made my share of mistakes. But for him to have the nerve to say something like that when he knows for a fact that he manipulated and used and hurt me is infuriating.

Now I don’t know how I feel. Furious, yes. And at the same time, I feel crushed. I feel guilty and hurt and terribly alone. I shouldn’t feel guilty. The guilt is misplaced. I feel it anyway, though. Even while I was working, sometime it would hit me and I’d cry.

Jordan was right. It was a bad idea to talk to him. A really bad idea.

I hope he stays away. It’ll be so much easier to get over if he just leaves. This leave and come back and leave and come back and leave again thing is too hard to deal with. I just want him to leave. I’m so scared of him now. This has always been my worst fear, ever since I was little, to get into a mess with a boy who was abusive. And every time, it's my fault. To Aries, it's always my fault.

Work was good for me today. The AF snowie has a TV, and I spent all afternoon cleaning the shack and watching PBS. I had no idea that they have “The Brady Bunch” reruns on PBS!! It totally made me happy. As did watching "America's Got Talent", "The Voice", and an episode of "Avatar: The Last Airbender". Not to mention "America's Funniest Home Videos". There were a couple of times when I was laughing out loud...good thing no customers were there!!

$16.58 in tips made me happy, too. And pistachio snow cones don’t taste anything like pistachios. Just sayin’.

1 comment:

Spickle Sandwich said...

So... NOW can I deck him? Not because I'm angry, (because I can) but because it'd say the same things that it would be inappropriate to say with words.
("Can I say something?..." *WHAM* "...Thanks, that's all I wanted to say.")