Monday, March 5, 2012

alone...

This is going to sound really, really ridiculous but...

I feel forgotten.

Not by everyone. But by a lot of friends who I care deeply about and who told me they'd be there for me and they haven't been. Which is stupid because I should just be grateful for the people who are consistently there. All the same, I feel somewhat abandoned.

It's very, very hard to keep in touch with people who never reply.

It's very, very hard to be the one who makes the attempt to say hello or plan something, especially when that attempt is rejected, seen as insincere, or blown off because someone didn't think I was serious. Or when someone said they would come and then forgot or scheduled something else.

It's very hard to realize that people might not care about you as much as you care about them.

It's very hard to wake up every day knowing that somewhere your friends are together and you're alone.

It's very hard to be shut down every time you try to do something nice for someone, be it a family member, a friend, or even a stranger.

It's very hard to be the one people tell all of their struggles to when you personally have no one to go to. Why no one to go to? Because they already told you the hard things going on in their lives. You can't add to it -- that would be unkind.

It's very hard to put on a happy face in front of your best friends and your family so that they don't worry about you. After all, it's easier to smile than explain why you feel the way that you do. Especially when the way that you feel stems from selfishness.

All of this is selfishness. And I don't know how to change it. I'm reading books, I'm taking classes, I'm doing the best I know how to become a better person. I'm praying and begging God to help me change, to expect less or even nothing from others, to rely on myself and His guidance for happiness.

It's just really hard to be happy when you feel so very alone. And it's really hard to be happy when you know you have a problem that you don't know how to change.

2 comments:

Tiana ba Llama said...

Friend.

You should NEVER feel alone. And trust me, I know that's a billion times easier to say than to feel, but deep down you've got to know that it's true. I understand how you feel, though; I feel like that a lot too. Even when you're surrounded by lots of people it's easy to feel like a loner. I know life's busy and people don't always follow through, but the great thing about you is that you forgive and keep trying anyway. You are good. I just realized that this is a very long comment, but oh well. Hang in there. People love you. :)

Lindzena said...

Sweetie, just know that EVERY nice person, every good friend (especially someone who other people turn to, like you) go through this. But I also promise you that you will be grateful for it in the end. You may feel alienated, but you need to recognize how very loved you are by these people. The thought that you can't turn to them is all your own - would they tell you that? I think they would be eager to want to help you, just as you have helped them.

There is a lot of darkness out there that wants to make you feel like you have no one you can turn to. Don't let it win - there is nothing to be gained by hiding in the shadows of your own mind. Trust me - I know this. You are loved, sweet girl. More than you will ever be able to recognize in this life.