meltdown...

It's very frustrating how upset I get over such weird, unimportant things. There's usually a combination of these three things: 1) blow up, 2) clam up, or 3) sob uncontrollably.

Generally speaking it's two out of those three things, in any order and any combination. And it'll happen almost anywhere at any time over anything, be it at school or at home or during a game of laser tag.......what?

Yes. While laser tagging tonight with Jason, Ruthie, Morgan, Amanda, Meghan, Kyle, Mandy, Makay, and some other amigos (who I met tonight and their names escape me), I was suddenly struck with how horrible the game was. There we were, running around in the dark with music blaring and lasers flashing, sneaking around corners and diving for cover, while on the other side of the world people do the same thing -- but if they get shot, that's it. No flashing vest, no blinking gun belt, no little voice grating "Energize" over and over again in your ear. You're shot, you're shot -- you're dead or dying.

That sounds so dramatic, but that's what went through my head. And I lost it. My legs literally buckled under me and I fell into the wall, sobbing. I just slumped there and cried for about five minutes, hating myself and all of us for treating something so serious as a game. It felt so wrong, like a mockery of what people are going through in other countries -- some of them fighting for us.

For the last half of the game I felt cold and removed. I hardly ever got hit. I hit a lot of people. I counted down the time until the game was over and was the first to leave the game room. It was a strange feeling, one of guilt and shame and absolute exhaustion. Talking took too much effort and too much energy. It was the same when I got home with my sisters -- until I exploded a little bit because my sister ate my piece of pie (just how stupid is that) and then ran to my room, crying uncontrollably again.

It was only a game. It doesn't matter. My reaction was (and still is) ridiculous.

I don't understand why I keep doing this.