day 51...

a picture of my dream car...

Oh yeah, baby.

day 50...

a picture of my most frequented place...

There are many places around town that I go to a lot. One is work. One is my own home. Friends' houses, Walmart, the mall, the bank, the gas station. There is one place, however, that I go to once a week at least, and it's one of my favorite places in the whole world. It's my town's public library. There's something about the library that is just comforting. I always feel happy there, and safe, among the thousands of books.

It's amazing how many words are held within that building--how many names and dates and ideas and stories--all in one place. I love books. I love to read and learn, to get caught up in a story. The library even smells likes the books, paper and ink and binding glue, mixed with dust and the potted flowers. To me, it's one of the best places on earth to be.

day 49...

a picture of where I live...

day 48...

a picture of my favorite actor/actress...
When I saw this one I literally groaned in dismay. Again, how the heck am I supposed to pick a favorite? So I went a couple of my absolute favorites.


Colin Firth, British actor extraordinaire. He truly is an incredible actor. Everything I've seen him in has left me loving this guy and his skill. When he's onscreen, I literally forget I'm watching a movie. That's just how an actor should perform. No more performance--they are the character they portray.


Another guy who makes me forget I'm watching a movie: Alan Rickman. Whether playing a bad guy or a hero, he always does an amazing job.


Now a woman who makes me forget I'm watching a film: Maggie Smith. Gosh, she is awesome! She's funny and clever and has an incredible sense of timing and delivery of her lines and actions. Fantastic.

Hm. All three of these people are British. Brits for the win! :)

weekly poem...

The Burning Kite

What a thing it would be, if we all could fly.
But to rise on air does not make you a bird.

I’m sick of the hiss of champagne bubbles.
It’s spring, and everyone’s got something to puke.

The things we puke: flights of stairs,
a skyscraper soaring from the gut,

the bills blow by on the April breeze
followed by flurries of razor blades in May.

It’s true, a free life is made of words.
You can crumple it, toss it in the trash,

or fold it between the bodies of angels, attaining
a permanent address in the sky.

The postman hands you your flight of birds
persisting in the original shape of wind.

Whether they’re winging toward the scissors’ V
or printed and plastered on every wall

or bound and trussed, bamboo frames wound with wire
or sentenced to death by fire

you are, first
and always, ash.

Broken wire, a hurricane at each end.
Fire trucks scream across the earth.

But this blaze is a thing of the air.
Raise your glass higher, toss it up and away.

Few know this kind of dizzy glee:
an empty sky, a pair of burning wings.

Ouyang Jianghe

day 47...

a picture of my favorite place to shop...
So one of my favorite movies is Confessions of a Shopaholic. That said...are you really going to make me pick one place? Ugh...I just like to shop. Window shopping, Internet shopping where you don't even buy anything just look and dream, even going to Walmart just for the thrill of shopping because you want to at 1 in the morning...it's fun! And so I'm not going to pick one favorite place. I'm going to pick three.




I love to shop. I just love it. I love to buy stuff for other people, and things for myself. I love to spend money. I told a friend once that I'd probably buy a pack of cigarettes just for the thrill of spending the money, even though I don't smoke and would most likely throw the pack of the things away. He completely agreed with me, and said it wouldn't surprise him at all. Pathetic. Addictive. Fun. Exhilarating. Shopping.

I LOVE SHOPPING!!

day 46...

a picture of where I wish I was right now...

So I've been craving Disneyland for months now. Seriously...I just want to go play! Not to mention the beach. A California trip would be insanely amazing. *sigh* Keep dreaming. After all, "A dream is a wish your heart makes." Maybe mine will come true someday.

day 45...

a picture of my room...

Did you really think I was going to show you a picture of my room? Ha. Not likely!! That's where my room is, but behind those windows, you will never know!! :)

I am so clever. :P

wrong with this picture...

I have several friends who have been to or are currently in other countries around the world. Most of them are there as LDS missionaries or members of humanitarian groups. Two of these friends, young women I look up to very much, have been sharing stories that are really sticking with me tonight. One is in Fiji. One just got back from Kenya. Here is what is going through my mind:

I look at the pictures these girls post of their adventures. They show people living in the dirt. They have almost nothing. It's something I have only ever imagined, and I've done a poor job of it.

Here I sit, in this cozy house at a kitchen table, typing on my computer with a high speed Internet connection while I wait for the dinner that's cooking in the microwave. I've been thinking about the things that I'm trying to fix in my life, and feeling sad because of some of the hard things.

These things aren't hard. I'm ashamed of myself for being so concerned about whether or not some young man notices me, and worried about my job, and school coming up this fall. I've felt sad and scared over things that are so...just...lame.

Something is wrong with this picture. I'm amazed at the guilt that I feel, which is saying a lot coming from me because I usually feel guilty for something.

It needs to change. I need to change myself, and see the good things that I have, like the fact that I actually HAVE a job. Stop worrying about it and work. Stop thinking about what can go wrong and just do. Stop being afraid and just be.

day 44...

a picture of someone I'm told I look like...

When I was little, my mom would get stopped in stores all of the time by people who wanted to look at me. Creepy, right? Anyway, she told me that they would say one of three things:

1. "Oh, what a handsome little boy!"--This was due to the fact that my mom often dressed me in blue, believing that colors should not be and are not gender specific. Though to be honest, how a person could get a baby wearing a blue sailor dress with blue bows in its hair confused with a boy is beyond me.
2. "Oh, what a beautiful baby! She is gorgeous! Look at those eyes! And those curls!"--These people got it right. I was indeed a girl baby.
3. "Goodness, she's adorable! She looks just like Shirley Temple!"

The picture up top is Shirley herself. The picture below? That's me. Nowadays I don't know who I look like, and no one says I look like anyone in particular. But when I was a baby, I was a Shirley Temple twinner. I even won the Baby Contest they have at the 4th of July around here as a Shirley impersonator, singing "On the Good Ship Lollipop" and "Animal Crackers in My Soup". 3 years in a row, my friends. That's my claim to fame.

So yes. I used to look like Shirley Temple. Good times.

PS Excuse the somewhat sarcastic tone of this post...I feel a little awkward talking about who I looked like. Especially since I don't consider myself to have been cute when I was a kid...just awkward, lol.

two weeks on my own...

Today is my last day living on my own. Tomorrow I will go back to my own house, with my own room and my own family. And you know something? I kind of don't want to...

Living on my own has been amazing. I make my own food, do my own dishes, clean the house, and it STAYS clean. Except when my sisters are here. Anyway--I go to work, I come back, do chores, take care of things, all of the things I would normally do. But I'm on my own. It's really fascinating.

Now I know that I can live on my own. I have the skills to do it and to take care of myself. The only things missing are the means to move out, like paying for rent, food, and a form of transportation. I don't have that, and I don't see myself being able to have that for a long time. It's really discouraging.

I'm happy on my own. I don't get down as easily, and I don't stay down for long. I sleep better, which isn't much but it's better than how it normally is. I'm even able to eat and not feel guilty (or as guilty) for it. There's motivation in my life every day, there's happiness every day, and the best part is that everything is CLEAN, and it stays that way. That is amazing. At my house, things don't stay clean. It's impossible for one or two people to keep up with a house inhabited by five people. It just can't be done. Every project or job you do gets undone the moment you turn your back, because not everyone is interested in helping out. That has happened here a little bit. I got really angry yesterday because of it. I shouldn't have. I got so frustrated--here, where it's not even our house, and my sisters still don't treat it nicely.

Like at home. How hard is it to clean two dishes, or put clothes away instead of throwing them on the floor, or put shoes away, or help make lunch? It's not like they're three years old. They're teenagers. It's so disheartening and discouraging. Which leads to lack of motivation and giving up, which leads to feeling down, which leads to nothing good.

I want it to be like this always, orderly and nice and clean and happy, like a home should be. My goal for going home is to at least try to keep the rooms I go into clean. My bedroom, the bathroom I use, the family room next to my bedroom. Those, and at least some jobs in the kitchen. I can do that. And that way, at least some places will be like it has been these past two weeks. Maybe it will work. What's there to lose, anyway?

day 43...

a picture of something I can't function without...

Yes, I know. Pretty pathetic. Especially now that people are coming out with studies saying that cell phones are linked to brain cancer. I don't talk on my cell phone very much, so I guess it's more like I'll get a cancerous tumor in my leg because it's always in my pocket. Joy. Texting really is dangerous.

I find it funny that every time we humans come up with some helpful, time saving device to make life more effecient and "easy", we find out a few years later that we've actually made things worse. Of course.

day 42...

a picture of my dream house...

Actually, I've got a lot of dream houses. The problem is, though, that I don't have any pictures of them so...this is kind of a place holder. If you want to know about my real dream house, ask. :)

i love a parade...

K, so I don't really love parades all that much. Still, they're super fun when you get to be in them with friends. Last weekend the Institute had a float entry in the Orem Fest parade, and members of LDSSA, LDC, and just Institute in general were invited to walk with the float. The theme was Hold to the Rod, with the tree and the building from Lehi's dream (part of The Book of Mormon) as the scene. Behind the float came the iron rod, which students held on to while walking the route.

It was super great to see my friends again! Tyler, Julia, Allie, Emilyann, Erin, Amy, Jon, Sean, Adam, tons of people were there! RJ is back from the Philippines now, and with him came his camera. He took lots of fun pictures. Here, look!!**











OREO!!
Oh, wait, wait...

DOUBLE STUFF!!

And yeah. My arm is the cream filling. Haha...*sigh*.




Hurrah for Institute!!


Oh, and by the way. Someday I will dress up like a princess and ride a horse like this. I will do it.

**All pictures were taken by RJ**

day 41...

a picture of my pet...
In real life, I have one pet. She lives at my house with me, and I totally adore her. In pretend life (which has been the past week and a half and will last until Thursday [most likely], I have 5 pets and a tank full of fish. Pretend life is me playing house while my friends are on vacation. So all total, I have 6 pets and a fish tank. But that's only pretend life.


First is Misty. She is my sweet little Maltese-Pomeranian-Shi Tzu mutt, or Malteraniantzu, as we call her sometimes. She's the cutest little dog evah. You've heard a bit about her already. While I'm out playing house, she stays home, because a couple of the other pets I have might eat her. Not really, but she's tiny and some of them are rather large.


Second, Meg. She is my pretend life cat (or one of them). Brindled and petite, watch out. She looks innocent, but she's kind of not, especially when one walks past the pantry. Meg is into grabbing ankles and holding on for the fun of it. She's quite the little prankster, but is always ready to show and receive affection.

Third is the ever illusive Crissy, which is why there is no picture of her. She's white most of the time, but she has a habit of rolling in the dirt outside in the garden and so is usually half gray. This cat kind of has issues, aka she often times seems to be in a constant state of PMS. Tread carefully!



Fourth: the always silly, always lovable, juicy-dog Jade the boxer. Juicy because she loves to give kisses. It wouldn't be too bad, if it weren't for the fact that her tongue is the size of the Great Lakes (and just as wet). This dog is slightly dumb, and I'm not joking. She makes up for her ditziness with her fun loving personality, always ready to play or cuddle. Jason is her man, and don't you forget it!


Fifth: Tootsie, the chocolate Labrador with a rather round physique and patient, sweet temperament. All of these qualities hearken back to the Tootsie roll candy, her namesake. Her light brown eyes rimmed in gold and black give her a somewhat wild appearance (especially late at night when she has random spazz attacks of joy and wildness), but she's truly a sweetheart. Don't mess with her kids, though--you've never met a better babysitter.


The sixth member of this strange band is Chessie, Kyle's bird. All I'm going to say is this: I swear this bird hates me.


Last but not least is the fish tank. Complete with eel, little tetras, some kind of flowy black and white fish, a couple of other small fish, and a 23 year old algae eater (the fish is older than Jason), it is quite the hodge podge of scaled water dwellers. The algae eater is the crown jewel: it's huge!! It's circled in red in the picture, and that's only half of it. The rest is behind the rock. Huge. Old. Fish. Yep.

So this is who I spend my time with of late, while I play house and act like a grown up. It's quite fun, actually. I rather enjoy this, me and my motley crew of animals, birds, fish, and the occasional spider (although they are not invited and are eliminated on sight...last night there was a HUGE one and it was terrifying).

weekly poem...

Intelligence

Wiretaps and tapes, concealed
bugs and mikes,
intercepted letters
full of passionate declarations, contradictory
intelligence—
how attached he’d grown
to the subject’s documents, revising and rearranging
the influx of intelligence
with a sentiment, he acknowledged, almost
like love: he felt
the cool gray eyes of his superiors
trained on him, rebuking him
for swerving, for letting
himself go—such tender obsession
occasioned by the file!
Not quite the professional style
he or the Agency expected…

But such official loyalties
seemed mere protocol to this!—
what was wrong with him,
he wondered, that he construed
the documents to make the subject
seem a hero,
a bastard whose sole patrimony
was a pair of shoes and a rusted sword
left by an unknown father beneath a stone?

And yet his exploits in the tabloids,
the headlines screaming,

SCOURGE OF MONSTERS STRIKES AGAIN!
HERO FOUNDS REPUBLIC

were these heroic
different in kind from the rumors,
unverified,
of a rape, a murder?

—But to have met undisguised the devouring monster!
To have escaped the twisting tunnels of the maze…

On balance, for such a life,
the hero’s reputation wasn’t bad:
think of the opportunities for evil
a man of such qualities must have had!
How well he knew him—an essential innocence
that followed impulse, blind
to protocol, not noticeably more kind
than he was cruel.
But to stamp Case Closed and cease
gathering intelligence,
to give the hero up, almost, he admitted,
like a lover…:
such limits the hero
unknowingly transgressed!
And the Agency, cold-blooded where
limits were concerned (“mere protocol”?—
more like a second backbone!), committed
to keeping order, could not afford
such sentiments—the Chief of Security
felt an awful pang: that the work of intelligence
should lead to this…

He leaned back in his chair and sighed:
a forged genealogy certifying
that the hero’s father was a king; a mutual
assistance pact
to aid in taking back the usurped crown:
he could see them now, the wind
blowing lightly, the two of them sweating
as they climbed the cliff, discussing
the terms, exchanging information,
intelligence—
how would his own face look
staring down across the sea
as he gestured earnestly toward
some island, saying,
“According to our sources,
the tax revenues…”
And then, edging
the hero closer to the cliff, pointing
out the harbor, he’d push.

Tom Sleigh

day 40...

a picture of my favorite Disney character(s)...

*cough*

Surprised?

Thought not.

day 39...

a picture of my favorite movie...

I have a lot of favorite movies. The Top 10 List changes frequently, because I'm always finding new films or going back to old ones that I haven't seen in years. Right now though (and possibly the record holder for Longest Time at Number 1) is...surprise!! Disney's "Tangled".

There are many reasons why I really like this movie. It's fun, hopeful, and uplifting. It's got an incredibly strong and vibrant heroine (who is actually a role model worth having because she's got her head screwed on straight [for the most part :) ]). The hero isn't too bad, either, especially as you watch his character change. But the best part of it for me is that Rapunzel and Eugene are a team. But seeing as I already wrote about that and don't want to write it all again...you can review it if you'd like!

Read the more detailed version here.

day 38...

a picture of the best part of my day...

No, this is not what my bed looks like. However, I rarely make my own bed, and the one that I've been sleeping in for the past few days isn't mine. No matter what bed it may be, though, getting a nap or actually sleeping at night is the best part of my day. That may seem a little strange. It probably is a little strange. It's truth, though. Total truth.

day 37...

a picture of the people I spend most of my time with...

I spend a lot of time with myself. Sometimes I find myself a little bit annoying. Sometimes I go a little crazy. But that's just my opinion, which has been formulated from hours of being by myself at work or at home. My mind talks too much...haha.



I also spend a lot of time with my sisters. This picture always makes me laugh. My friend Jaden took it at a party he threw last fall. None of us were particularly excited to be caught on film, as you can probably tell. The three of us have a lot of fun together, even though we don't hang out as much as we used to. Ees awesuum. I wuv dem. :)



These six beautiful people are amazing. My wonderful Friends Raddatz, we have awesome adventures together and do the silliest, most outlandish things, usually just because we can. Kinda miss them a lot lately...a little over a week!!

day 36...

a picture of my 'other' half..."

day 35...

a picture of my favorite place to eat...

Cafe Rio. Can you say yes? I heart pork burritos (hold the sauce) with a passion that burns deeply within my soul. And I think that I am going to treat myself to one sometime this week. Maybe on Friday...

Oh. And in prep for tomorrow...

day 34...

a picture of my currently most played CD(s)...

Two of my most played CDs. The one on the top is the recording that LDC made, called "The Family: A Musical Proclamation". It has 17 of the songs that we sang throughout the year, and I love it so much. I play it in my car all the time, and I play it on my laptop as well. The second CD is (surprise) the soundtrack from Disney's "Tangled". Adoration to the max.



Aaaaaaand of course...I gotta throw in a little JB somewhere. I listen to all of his music, but especially the music from his "My World" CD. Love. Love, love.

weekly poem...

One Cow, Two Moos

We used to have a single cow,
We called her Mrs. Rupple.
But she got struck by a lightning bolt,
And now we have a couple.

She's walking sort of funny now,
Oh pity her poor calf.
Old Mrs. Rupple gives no milk,
She gives us half-and-half.

J. Patrick Lewis

day 33...

a picture of the house I grew up in...


There's a saying that goes can't see the forest for the trees. Well. In this case, you can't see the house for the trees. Literally.

Seeing as I live inside my house, I don't generally stand across the street in the neighbor's yard to look at my own house. When I went out to take a picture, I was actually very surprised to see that I couldn't see my house. At all. Unless I squinted very hard and ducked down to almost kneel on the cement. Then I could see it. A little. But not much.

When my family moved into this house, I was 5 and a half years old. The two trees gave our house its name, Twin Pines. They stood much shorter and less full than they do now, and were more twin-like in nature. Now they look different because one of them got struck by lightning and the top got snapped. I remember that night well. There was a crack outside my window so loud and a rumble through the ground so large that I thought the earth had split open. Terrified me.


Anyway. I've lived in this house for 14 years. It houses all of my stuff, and the majority of my memories. I like this house. I like it very much.

day 32...

a picture of a crazy night...


Pretty much one of the best, craziest, funniest sleepovers ever. And we (okay, I) just might have taken about 150 pictures. Thank goodness for digital cameras.

day 31...

a picture of a tradition I have...


Every Christmas we give Misty a big (and I mean BIG) jar of pupcorn. She really, really loves it. A lot. And I love how the jar is almost as big as she is. It takes her almost a year to eat it all!!

day 30...

a picture of someone I miss...


There are a ot of people that I miss. I miss friends from when I was litle. I miss people I saw yesterday because I'm weird like that. Most of all, I miss my LDC friends--I know I'll see them again in a few months, but not all of them are coming back. The third years and the people who are just moving on to bigger and better things are the people who I really miss from LDC.


I miss my friend Zach, and the way it used to be. Each of us have taken directions in our lives that are good for us individually. Together, we don't work so well anymore. It's sad that it happens that way. I'm so glad that he came into my life when he did. He changed me and helped me learn things I wouldn't have been able to learn any other way. I miss you, buddy!


Another friend I miss. I see him randomly several times a year. It hurts every time, because our friendship just ended. He just left. It was hard, and it's still hard.

More people I miss are the Raddatz family. They left on vacation today and will be gone for the next two weeks. Yes, I know. Two weeks is not a long time. However, when you feel like you're the big sister of the five youngest children, it's akin to being left behind. I feel better that I know that the kids will miss me, too. They're going to have so much fun; the youngest ones have never been to Disneyland before, and they get to go after a big family reunion. I'm so excited for them!!

Missing people has different feelings. There are different types of missing, I think. There are the people who you remember with fondness and eagerness to see them again. There are the people who you remember with a smile and a silent wish for what used to be. There are the people who you remember with tears and an unvoiced question as to why they're gone.

Someday we'll know. For now, I'll just send it out right now: I miss you.