A friend once looked me squarely in the face and very seriously said, "Georgie, you are a walking contradiction."
Well. I could have told him that. Because the truth is, I really am. For example:
There's this guy. Yes, a guy. It usually is. This one you know about, but for the sake of my heart I am not going to type his name. Any dang way, there's the guy. He's one of the best friends I've ever had in my life. And you know what? I've been avoiding him.
I have my reasons. I really do. All of them are rather pathetic and lame, but they boil down to one thing: I care way too much about him, and I know for a fact that all he wants with any girl is friendship. Because I care so much, I'm scared that I'll do something that will mess up the comfortable friendship that we have, and so I'm trying to keep contact to a minimum. Which is hard to do, seeing as I've kind of been adopted into his family (my friend's father always introduces me to family members, friends, and his Bishop as his adopted daughter).
And so I "avoid" my friend. Yet, somehow, life manages to throw him into my path in the most unexpected ways imaginable, and it drives me crazy. Yesterday I saw him from my car, where I was sitting at a red light and he was turning left in the intersection. The day before his mom posted family pictures right at the moment I logged onto facebook so there he was, tada! Today...ugh. Today he came to my younger sister's concert with his mom. He walked into the room and I was so surprised that I ducked behind my mother and hid my face in my hands because I could feel myself blushing.
Now, here's the contradiction: I'm trying so hard to avoid him and keep from seeing him anywhere, in real life or online. Then when I do see him, or we end up spending some time together, I never want to leave. We don't even have to talk, like today. We just stood next to each other after the concert, but I didn't want him to go. I mean, first when he walked in the room I was screaming in my head, "WHAT the HECK are YOU doing here?!" Then during it, "Please, don't look at me." Then halfway through the concert, "Look over here and say hello! Just notice that I'm here!" Then at the end? "Don't go. Please. Don't go. Just...don't do it."
Funny thing about the concert, did you know that I just happened to wear the sweater that he really likes because "all of the colors bring out your eyes and make your hair look redder"? I honestly didn't know he was going to be there, and if I had, I wouldn't have worn this stupid sweater. He noticed it. I know because his mom commented that the blue in it makes my eyes look lighter and he said, "Yeah, that's what I told her when I saw her wear it for the first time back in February." He remembered that...I'm torn between being frustrated and being giggly.
So when I don't see him, I'm agonizing over it because I miss him and I'm trying not to. But when I do see him, I first wish he was somewhere else and then I don't want him to ever leave. Excuse the dramatics, but when I got into my car after everyone had said good-bye after Meghan's concert it was all I could do to keep from putting my head down on the steering wheel and just cry. Drama.
I wish I could just banish my feelings. Friends and family say it's normal and that it's not a bad thing. Well. I'm too mixed up and too scared to keep these feelings. I'm afraid I'll do something really stupid and mess things up. I've done it before. I don't want to do it again.
"I'm a walking contradiction." I should make myself a T-shirt and put that on it. Then on the back I could write, "You've been warned."
Again, excuse the drama. I don't want to be a drama queen, I promise. At least I've kept the hysterics to the minimum. I mean, what? Hysterics? Please, I'm SO over that. Heehee...