Monday, May 23, 2011

guilt...

Have you ever found yourself feeling betrayed by someone, but you feel all the guilt is your own?

Have you ever seen a loved one make mistakes, and you feel like the blame lies with you?

I should not feel like that. Most people don't. It's irrational and illogical to feel guilty for the actions of another person. They have nothing to do with me. I didn't force anyone to make a decision or to act the way that they did, whether towards myself or towards another person. Still, I do. I feel like it's my fault for the way things have turned out, and for the way some of my friends act.

If the fault is theirs, why does it hurt me? Why do I buy into this feeling I have that the fault is mine? Why do the failings and mistakes of others get wedged into my heart and feel as if they are my own errors? This guilt isn't mine. I shouldn't be feeling guilty, but I do.

Why does this happen? My theories:
  • Somehow, you didn't do enough to help them see their worth.
  • Somehow, you weren't good enough to help them.
  • Somewhere, you didn't take enough interest in them.
  • Somewhere, they got so deeply into your heart that you would do anything for them.
  • Often you didn't tell them the absolute truth.
  • Often you protected them instead of letting them out on their own to learn.
  • Always you held back to keep the friendship secure, when you should have spoken up.
  • Always you trusted them blindly, never accepting anything other than their goodness.

Some of these theories are bred from this irrational feeling of crushing guilt. Guilt for not doing enough, for not being there when they needed me, for pushing them aside on the days when I was irritated with them, for being irritated with them in the first place. Guilt, guilt, guilt.

Even though I know I shouldn't feel like this, I also feel like I deserve it. This is so backwards.

1 comment:

Spickle Sandwich said...

I can understand how you feel... but we are imperfect people. That's what I think. I don't try and pull others' guilt onto my back, I have different ways of handling things I guess.

But all the same, I think you are an incredible girl, with incredible gifts, and I believe you are one sensitive and dedicated enough to always try and do the right thing.

So I think you did what you felt was right; and in the end, isn't that all we can do? I know it's not something that people like us can believe all the way, but it is something we can know. That's what I think.

Accept that others have a choice; and that they made their own. Allow them to make it, or else you aren't being fair to them. If they try and blame their mistakes on you, then they are in the wrong.

So I think you can forgive others for their faults, and believe in the good in them and respect them; while still reserving your trust for when they can earn it back, for real. Sometimes they might not do that, and that is their choice... but also their loss.

That's what I think... You're only under obligation to love or give what you can and feel is right; and I have no doubt that you did just that.

You're an awesome, intelligent, beautiful girl, and you of all people deserve somebody that's going to charm the socks off of you (erm, not literally...) every single day and make you feel beautiful and perfect.

Lemme know if you want me to deck somebody for you. My thoughts. (Neither of the choices above were quite right. :P)