Have you ever seen a loved one make mistakes, and you feel like the blame lies with you?
I should not feel like that. Most people don't. It's irrational and illogical to feel guilty for the actions of another person. They have nothing to do with me. I didn't force anyone to make a decision or to act the way that they did, whether towards myself or towards another person. Still, I do. I feel like it's my fault for the way things have turned out, and for the way some of my friends act.
If the fault is theirs, why does it hurt me? Why do I buy into this feeling I have that the fault is mine? Why do the failings and mistakes of others get wedged into my heart and feel as if they are my own errors? This guilt isn't mine. I shouldn't be feeling guilty, but I do.
Why does this happen? My theories:
- Somehow, you didn't do enough to help them see their worth.
- Somehow, you weren't good enough to help them.
- Somewhere, you didn't take enough interest in them.
- Somewhere, they got so deeply into your heart that you would do anything for them.
- Often you didn't tell them the absolute truth.
- Often you protected them instead of letting them out on their own to learn.
- Always you held back to keep the friendship secure, when you should have spoken up.
- Always you trusted them blindly, never accepting anything other than their goodness.
Some of these theories are bred from this irrational feeling of crushing guilt. Guilt for not doing enough, for not being there when they needed me, for pushing them aside on the days when I was irritated with them, for being irritated with them in the first place. Guilt, guilt, guilt.
Even though I know I shouldn't feel like this, I also feel like I deserve it. This is so backwards.