psychic...

Okay, so maybe I'm not psychic. I just know some people very well, so I can predict their behavior in a way that would make me appear to be psychic when in reality I just spent a lot of time with those people. I just like to seem cooler than I really am. No big deal. :P

As some people know, I've been waiting around for somebody to pop back into my life with an apology of some sort followed by a request for things to go back to how they used to be. Sure enough, I received a seemingly heartfelt apology a couple of days ago, with an attached request for forgiveness. Aries and I had a nice conversation about nothing in particular, because I didn't really want to answer right away. Finally I told him that I wasn't sure what to do about anything. I told him that I agreed with everything he'd said in his apology (except for the part where he said he didn't know what we'd been fighting about...he should have known! I only told him three or four times. Not that it matters anymore), but I didn't know what to do yet.

In short, I was stalling for time to come up with an answer. Should I tell him to jump off a cliff? That was a suggestion and a consideration, but no. Unkind. Should I ignore him completely? Also suggested and considered, but no. Also unkind. I wanted to make sure that I did the RIGHT thing! So I waited, and I thought about it, and I asked for earthly and heavenly help to come up with the right thing to do.

As predicted, Aries didn't give me much time to formulate an answer. He's a 3 days or less kind of guy through and through, whereas I can think about something for a month or more before I feel like I have it just right. He sent me a text a couple of days ago asking if I had an answer for him yet. After saying a little prayer (a helping prayer, as one of my primary students calls them), I felt that it was best to tell him what I talked to my coworkers and a friend about earlier this week. I told him that I do forgive him (which is true), and that we can be casual friends, but any other feelings are gone. I can't give him anything more than that.

Second prediction came true, when he came back with an attempt at a guilt trip. He didn't like the term "casual friends" and said something along the lines of "So I really did lose my best friend..."

Really? He lost his best friend? No way! Shocking.

I don't understand why he doesn't seem to get it. I don't see how he can just expect everything to go back to "normal" and for me to be there for him like I was before. Usually people who put their hand on a stove and get burned don't touch it ever again, even if the knob is turned to 'off'. You just learn not to touch the stove, and if someone told you to do it you don't touch the stove! You learned the hard way and got burned. Why risk it again?

That last paragraph sounds a little bit irritated/anxious. To tell the truth, I'm not super anxious about this whole thing. I've actually felt a lot of peace throughout this current episode. I've been able to refer back to emails from a few trusted friends who have been involved from the very start, and I have several friends who are familiar with this rather long drawn-out story. Most of them only know the medium-sized nutshell (it's kind of a big nut to crack and explain!), but everyone says similar things: forgive him, but don't forget what I have learned.

I really do forgive him. I'm not even very afraid of him anymore (mostly...less afraid would be a better term). If he keeps coming back, fine. He'll just get the same answer. Not only that, but so many people know about him now that he can't get away with anything. There are too many ears and eyes watching this situation for me to be manipulated again. Ann would probably smack me upside the head and then go after him (she's a true redhead, but only when she needs to be). Parker and the girls from work have offered their help if I need it. I don't even want to imagine what Ruthie would say to him! Sister Raddatz and her family are there for me. My sisters and my parents are also aware of what is going on. Several other friends know about it, whether they are from choir, still at MV, or live farther south (Jaden and Kayla and Steven, that would be you).

This time I'm not as alone as I was before. Last time I kept some things a secret because I was afraid and shy, and even a little embarrassed. I didn't want to be "found out", if you want to call it that. Sure, I talked about it. But I didn't tell people about everything that was happening until later on. Now I've learned better that if you can't have a relationship like Elder Holland's, where he wants to shout about it from the rooftops to the entire world, then you better not have that relationship. It applies to friendship as well. If it's a secret, it shouldn't happen.

This has been a novel, I'm sorry. I hope I was able to handle this in a gentle but firm way. I've been honest with Aries. I hope I was kind enough in that. Now it's out of my hands, and it's up to him to take the offer or to walk away. That's all I can offer him. If he wants more than what I can give, then sadly he can't have much of a friendship.

I hope that this is over. I want it to be over. It's gone on long enough. It's time to move on. I get the feeling that it probably won't be over for awhile, but I also get the feeling that as long as I do my best to live well and ask for guidance that it will be fine.

Thank you to those who have been helping me with this. You have been absolutely, 100% vital. I owe you all Lifesavers. After all, you are what you eat. ;)

start of something new...

Last week I went on a date and bought a book of recipes. I have to admit I am now a little more excited about the book than the date; Sean and I are great friends, and we have fun together, BUT! The book is a recipe for cake bites. There are 101 recipes in this book. What is NOT exciting about cake bites?!

This book came home with me and keeps me occupied for hours at a time. For example: I like to read through the different recipes and make plans as to when I can make something new and when I can purchase the ingredients I don't have. I'm creating a kind of schedule for special ones to try, especially since the holidays are coming up and I want to be able to make some for my family/close friends. These little treats are so much fun to make! You don't even have to do them all in one day, which is awesome.

I've only made one batch so far, and now that I know what I did wrong I expect to be able to do much better in the future! I didn't make any super huge mistakes--the cake bites are very much edible and very, very cute. I know now though that it's best to use only the amount of frosting that the recipe calls for (one cup as opposed to all three), that chocolate really will melt on low (patience!), and that it is best to freeze cake bites on a cookie sheet that is covered in wax paper to keep the cakes from sticking to or staining the pan (oops).

Here are my little Halloween ghosties! Feast your eyes on these (mint chocolate cake bites shaped like ghosts, dipped in melted vanilla flavored almond bark and decorated with glitter black and orange edible gel):



I also spent the week getting a treat ready for my primary students. I wanted to do something special for them since it's a Halloween holiday weekend, so I went to the local Dollar Tree and stocked up on items to fill a few Halloween goodie bags. They turned out way better than I expected them to! It was so much fun to put these together. Picking out the items and making each bag was very happy making. The kids were all so good today! I don't know if that's because I'm finally getting this teaching thing, or if it was the bribery...

it's been a week already???

Wow! All of my days are totally running together. I can barely keep track of when it's supposed to be Monday and when it's supposed to be the weekend. I think that comes in part from working Thursday-Saturday and having a day off on Tuesday. It seems to make the week a little choppy for me, which is causing me to lose track of days and what order they roll around the calendar in.

This week in particular has been crazy. I didn't get nearly as much done as I would have liked to, but I did get some of the stuff finished up. Or nearly finished...

Now a worry: BYU tuition is due soon. Do I have enough to pay mine? No. I almost have half of it. I don't know where the other half is going to come from. *sigh* I'll get it figured out. Not sure how to at this point, but I'll figure it out.

Okay. This week is over. I'm going to bed now. Peace.

today was a jackpot kind of day...

1. I can't get through a shift at work without seeing at least 2 people I know. Today, I saw 7 or 8 people I know and got to catch up with the ones I haven't seen for awhile. It was very awesome!
2. When you work retail, you meet a lot of people. Some of them aren't so awesome. Today was an awesome-people day though. One woman I met is serving a part-time mission with her husband at an addiction rehabilitation center, and she loves it! She was so super happy about it that it made me want to serve some sort of mission even more. I really enjoyed talking to her.
3. Another woman was just as awesome; she seems to be super into eye color and was talking to me about the Edward Cullen cardboard figure's eyes. Hers are about the color of the "vegetarian vampire gold", as she described it. Then she noticed the color of my eyes and said that the color is "an incredibly interesting sort of blue" and that "the pattern of your eyes is like snowflakes! You have snowflake eyes!" Her daughter said the same thing after she led me by the wrist to where the girl was, saying that my eyes look like "lacy snowflakes". That made me feel really good. Lol, the whole conversation was a total what the random moment, but how awesome is it to just be able to connect with people and talk to them easily? That never happens to me, and now it is and I don't know why but I LOVE it! I really liked those people that I met today! They were so cool!
4. 4 words: pumpkin cheesecake ice cream.
5. BYU registration opened up for me today, and I was able to get every single class that I needed/wanted! Seriously, registering at the Y is like playing the lottery. With thousands of students trying to register, you're lucky to get half of the classes you want. I don't know how I managed to get them all! I'm glad that my numbers were good!
6. PAYCHECK!!
7. Since today is Wednesday, I wrote to Jordan. I wanted to do something different with the letter because it's going to be Halloween soon, so I went into the old Microsoft Works program that's on the computer upstairs and found some clip art files. Then I made stationary! I put a cute little pumpkin with candy pieces surrounding it in left hand corner of the page and printed a couple of sheets off. Then I put lined paper under the white paper so the writing would be straight. Presto! Home-made stationary for my best missionary friend! I hope he likes it.
8. The truck that almost hit me tonight didn't hit me. It just almost hit my car.
9. ALL of my new favorite songs played on the radio at some point during the day! That is one of the best things that can happen during a 24-hour period.
10. Having good friends and good people in each area of your life is so awesome. There are good people in my Dating & Courtship class. There are good people in LDC. There are good people at work. There are good people in my family. There are good people in my group of friends and acquaintances and neighbors. There are good people who I don't even know! Good people = ultimate jackpot.

primary...

I teach primary in my home ward. I'm part of the junior primary, with ages 3 through 8 years old. Working with the kids is so super fun. They're all so bright and happy and lovely, with such an innocence and a thirst to learn. Yes, sometimes they get bored and wiggly and it can really drive me crazy, but each week I teach it becomes more of a joy. Not to mention that the kidlets are so stinkin' hilarious! They're so cute! For example. Today in singing time we were learning a song about prayer. Here's the story:

Primary music leader: "What is an important part of prayer? Can you tell me? It starts with an 'F' ".
Child 1: "Uhhhhh...FISH!"
Child 2: "Well, no. No, not fish."

The word they were looking for was faith, but when you're 4 that's kind of a tricky word and concept to grasp. Fish just makes more sense, I suppose!

After singing time, I take my students to our classroom and we have a lesson on a principle of the gospel (see LDS.org for further information). My class is the 7 turning 8 year-olds, and it seems that every single week I get a new student. I started out with 9 children, 7 of whom came frequently. I am now up to 13 on my roll, with 10 or 11 who come on a regular basis. I have the biggest primary class in the junior and senior primary, and I teach by myself. For an almost 20-year-old, never had any children college student, it's quite the undertaking! It's especially difficult when one or two of the boys in class decide that they don't want to participate, and that because they don't they're going to be rowdy and disrupt everyone else. That's hard. Sometimes I feel like I spend more time disciplining than I do teaching.

Despite the challenge, I find that the more students I have in the class, the more I love to teach them. Each child has so much to offer! Every single one of them has such an interesting view of the world, and if given a chance, each one will open up and share their perspective. I learn something new from the kids every week. It's fascinating, exhilarating, and continually gives me hope for the world and for myself. Here's a story about one of the boys:

Today in primary we were talking about how to stay pure, and what kind of things influence us. We were using salt and pepper to decide whether things were pure or not; I showed the children a handful of pure salt, and then added pepper to it to make it "dirty" and impure. Pretty soon the terms to describe somethings purity were like this: "Hm...yeah, that movie is salty. It's okay to watch that one!" or "Well, this game is kind of violent, so I suppose it's more peppery."

We spent several minutes discussing different types of entertainment, and rating them on their salty or peppery content. The next part of the lesson was to talk about personal heroes. I asked the kids to think of their hero and to decide whether or not their chosen hero was a good one. After all of the questions I asked about a hero, such as "Does your hero swear?" and "Does your hero keep the law at all times?" one of the boys said, "Yeah...my hero matches that. Because my hero isn't from a movie or a book or a game or a TV show. My hero is my mom."

Does that just make your heart melt?! Good heavens, I actually teared up a little bit when he said that. The look on his face--he totally adores his mom.

I also teared up when two of my girls came to talk to me for a bit. One of them commented that I was helping her and the other students be pure because I was teaching them how to live the gospel. Then she came up to where I was standing at the front of the room and started playing with my braid (my hair is really long for her to be able to reach it!) and said, "And she's really pretty and she's smart and she always makes sure we're happy and learning good things." Then at the end of the lesson, another little girl brought me a picture she'd drawn on the back of the CTR (Choose the Right) handout I had for the kids. "Look! It's a picture of you, teacher, all in red because of your jacket and look, here's the book you always hold! I'm going to take it home and put it on my fridge so I can see you every day!"

*choked up*

Having a child to love is such an incredible blessing. When you get to watch them grow and learn, and you get to be a part of their lives...it's one of the greatest things that you could ever imagine. These kids aren't mine, but I love them as if they were! And being loved in return by a child...wow. That is pure, true, salty love, without a bit of pepper in it!

it's a date...

Today I went on my first date in the past 6 months. The last time I went on a date was when I was spending a lot of time with Aries. Since then I just haven't wanted to go out with anyone, even people who I know I would have a good time with. I was really hesitant about this whole thing, but my dear friend Kayla (an LDC first year who is quickly becoming a forever friend) just set it up and told me to find someone to bring in our group. And so I did! I asked one of my friends from choir, Sean, who I've known for a little over a year now. He's one of the few people I would trust with my life, and coming from me that's saying a lot!

Holy heck, this date was a BLAST. Kayla and I discovered that we really CAN use the grid system while on our way to pick up the guys. We also learned that the grid system does not seem to apply to apartment complexes, and that Sean is color blind...he texted me that he lived "in the big blue apartment building" that is, in fact, brown. Not even gray-blue. It's brown. We had a good laugh about that one.

Our activity for the afternoon was a super simple, super fun, super inexpensive one. Here's the gist of it:

Walmart Pick-Up Game
Object of the game:
Fill carts with random items and then be able to put back as many of another couples' items as you can before the time is up. Winner has the fewest number of items left.

Items needed:
-Each couple needs some sort of clock or timer with an alarm--a cell phone will do just fine
-A large cart--Walmart will supply this for you

How to play:
Go to Walmart with a group of two or more couples (even numbers of couples, and not too many or it'll be crazy).

Each couple gets one cart. Establish a base in some part of the store, like near the photo center, the shoes, the electronics, etc. Once this is set, you have 30 minutes to go through the store as a couple with your cart, finding a designated number (we did 35) of the most random, obscure items you can find to put into your cart. The other key: stay away from the other couples! You don't want them to see where you've been or what you have. After you have 35 items, return to the base with your items.

Now that all of the couples have returned, SWITCH CARTS with another couple. Each couple needs to set a timer for 10 minutes; you have 10 minutes to put as many of the items in your new cart back as you can. After a coundown of "3, 2, 1, GO!", all of the couples head off at the same time to get started. Go through the store putting away the items as you go, but do it fast (don't run though--you don't want to get kicked out of the store). Once the time is up you have to return to the base with all of the remaning items.

When everyone is back, count the remaining items in your cart and compare with the other couples. The team with the least number of items is the winner (if you like you can decide beforehand on a prize of some sort)! Then switch the carts back so that your team has the cart you started the game with. Return all of the items that you found. Meet up at the front of the store to return the carts and you're done! Game over.

This was super fun. Super, super fun! I got to know Sean a little better, and we got to play a silly game that was actually pretty intense! It's amazing how quickly ten minutes goes by. You'd be surprised. I sure was!

Yay for cheap date ideas! The Walmart thing was free (except for the cookbook I've been wanting for months that I saw and had to buy--I am SO excited!), and lunch wasn't expensive at all! We went to Noodles & Company on Kayla's recommendation, and I believe that she is a genius. It was so good! Well priced, too. For two people it was only about $14, and the food was really good and very filling. Perfect, yeah? Yeah!

So much fun. I loved it. :)

pin it...

Yep. I did it. I followed the rising trend and got a Pinterest account. Do I love it? Why, yes. Yes I do! And am I actually learning things from it? Why, yes. Surprisingly...I am! See, look what I found: a recipe for Baked Pumpkin Spice Donut Holes (or more like itty bitty muffins)! I decided to make them when I got home from work, and I DID! See?!


Now the reason why I'm so excited about this (and Pinterest as well) is because I have always been a rather non-talented maker of food, whether baking or cooking or even just opening a bag of cereal. I kind of struggle. Seeing all of this stuff on Pinterest has kind of inspired me to try my hand at learning how to do some of this stuff, especially when it comes to cooking. So far I've tried two recipes, and they both turned out really well! And there are other things to "pin" to a "board" as well, like quotes and sayings, photographs, places to travel to, clothes (a particular favorite of mine), and lots of other stuff. It's so much fun! I have so many ideas for things now, I don't even know what to do with them but PIN! Because after that, I can always come back to it later.

So, the donut holes that are really more like mini muffins. These are super easy to make, and they're actually really good. I'll share the recipe with you (I've doctored it up a bit because the first batch had a bit too much cinnamon when it was rolled, so I changed it for the second go around) and you can try it, too!

Baked Pumpkin Spice Donut Holes (yes, baked--it's healthier!)
For donuts:
1 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoons salt
1/2 teaspoons cinnamon
1/2 teaspoons nutmeg
1/2 teaspoons allspice
1/8 teaspoons ground cloves
1/3 cup vegetable oil
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
3/4 cup canned plain pumpkin (not pie filling)
1/2 cup low fat milk (not that it matters, it's just healthier that way)
For coating:
1/2 stick unsalted butter, melted
1/3 cup granulated sugar
1 tablespoon cinnamon

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Generously grease a 24-cup mini muffin tin (you don't have to have a 24-cup one, I used two 12-cup tins and greased them with shortening to keep the muffin bites from sticking).

In a medium mixing bowl, whisk together the flour, baking powder, salt, cinnamon, nutmeg, allspice, and cloves.

In a large mixing bowl, combine the oil, brown sugar, egg, vannilla, pumpkin, and milk until smooth (I used an electric beater because I can, haha).

Add the dry ingredients to the wet ingredients and stir until combined. Be careful not to overmix the batter (I don't know what that means, so just mix it until it looks right to you! My batter didn't have any clumps or streaks of the dry ingredients. If that's overmixed, well, they still turned out fine!)

Divide the batter evenly among the muffin cups (about 1/2-2/3 of the way full). Bake for 10 to 12 minutes or until the muffins pass a toothpick test.

While those are cooking:
Make the coating! Melt the stick of butter in a smallish bowl, depending on what you have. In a separate bowl, stir together the sugar and cinnamon.

Now that the muffins are done:
Remove the muffins from the oven and allow to cool until they can be easily handled. Dip only the top of each muffin into the butter, then dip into the cinnamon sugar to coat.


Presto! You're done! Just as a heads up, these are good with milk, hot chocolate, and apple cider. So...yeah! Happy baking! (And pinning. ;) )

adviced out...

I am a very lucky person. I have many people who care about me and who take the time out of their lives to talk about the things that are going on in mine. There's a feeling of comfort that comes from knowing that there are people you can go to when you're in trouble, or when you have a super exciting bit of news, or when you need to go get ice cream. It's especially comforting to know that people are willing to listen and discuss the personal things that most others will never know about.

While I am so blessed to have so many people who I can count as friends, I am being 100% honest when I say this: I am adviced out.

As much as I appreciate people wanting to help me solve the problems and calm the worries that I have, I don't really want advice anymore. There's been so much good advice given, and yeah, some not so good, and I'm so glad that people were interested enough to help me. But now that I have all of this advice, I don't know what to do with it. There are so many ideas and so many possible solutions. There are multiple combinations of wisdom and knowledge that can be put together in trial and error fashion to come to a solution. I try to do that. Really. For some reason though, I can't find the energy or will-power to do so.

Right now I don't want advice. Is that super ungrateful? All I want is for someone to listen, someone willing to not talk and to just listen. I find myself wishing that there was someone who I could tell everything to, and who would be content with just knowing. Perhaps just a person to be with. Just to be. Even if that means simply listening to the silence of two people sitting and sharing the experience of learning one another's hearts.

flying solo...

Right now I'm feeling like I'm forever destined to be "the best friend". Which is okay, and is quite fulfilling, actually. Who wouldn't want to have a group of awesome, wonderful best friends? However...seeing all of these friends in relationships...and I don't have one...and I've never really had a legit one...sometimes that's a little hard.

Don't get me wrong, at this point in my life, the last thing I want is a relationship! Seriously, I think that'd be a mistake. And, being honest, I don't really want to do couple things. Like kissing, for example. Um...who came up with that? The logistics of it are just weird. Freaks me out, really.

Even knowing those things though, it's sometimes lonely to see all of these people paired off and super happy to be together, especially since I'm one of the only people in my close group of friends who isn't in a relationship (or who has never been kissed for that matter). At the same time I kind of scoff at having a relationship of my own, I catch myself smiling when I see a guy kiss a girl on the forehead or when a couple walks across campus hand in hand. Awwwwww. Then a split second later I'm deep in thought about what it would be like, then mentally shaking myself back to reality. NO BOYS. Bad idea right now.

Being single is fun! It really is. There's a lot of freedom, and there's a lot less to worry about. At least considering the only "relationship" I've ever been in, which was never quite a relationship but was about to be. Man...I was an idiot. So yeah, compared to that, being single is so much better. No commitment, no being tied down, no being trapped, and a lot less fear that someone you've invested a lot in is going to change his mind or turn out to be someone completely opposite of what he projected himself to be. I mean, if you were only ever friends and things go south, no big. There's a lot less heartache that way.

I know this is probably not the healthiest way to look at relationships, but it's where I'm at right now. For me personally, it's safer. I find that I'm easily taken advantage of, but I don't realize it until I've gotten myself in too deep to escape without a great deal of pain. I don't particularly like being taken advantage of. I don't really like getting my heart broken, either.

In the words of David Archuleta:
"Sometimes you just know when to hold on, when to let go. I'm gonna take this moment that I'm in right now, stop this craziness somehow. Leave it all behind me; no one's gonna find me. I've got nothing to win and I've got nothing to lose, just tryin' to walk in my own two shoes. Gonna take the time now. It's time for me to find out who I am."

That's what time it is. Time for me to find out who I am.

weekly poem...

An Exercise in Love

for Jackson Allen

My friend wears my scarf at his waist
I give him moonstones
He gives me shell & seaweeds
He comes from a distant city & I meet him
We will plant eggplants & celery together
He weaves me cloth


Many have brought the gifts
I use for his pleasure
silk, & green hills
& heron the color of dawn


My friend walks soft as a weaving on the wind
He backlights my dreams
He has built altars beside my bed
I awake in the smell of his hair & cannot remember
his name, or my own.

Diane di Prima

700...

Wow. It's really post 700 tonight. How the heck did that happen? Oh...right. I'm a post-happy blog writer who just has to write about everything that goes on in her life, regardless of how interesting it may or may not be to everyone in the cyber web of Internet-ness.

Again, wow. But this time because of my weird attitude. I feel weird! As in happy about life but furious and hurt about a part of it. As in excited about the new opportunites that are coming up for me but confused and unsure about things that happened in the past. As in calm about certain situations that are rather ongoing but unsettled about the same ongoing situations. Okay, so not so calm like I was earlier this evening. Definitely more unsettled than calm. *sigh*

I've come along way on this blog since I first started. It's weird to look back to the year I began blogging. I remember the first day: I was at my grandma's house in Flaming Gorge, very bored, so I started a blog. Since then it's been like a journal, a sounding board, an online memory database, among other things.

700. Seven hundred. Seven zero zero. Wow. I am kind of surprised that I lasted this long! Here's to another hundred!

PS Thanks for being here, by the way. Readers make it even more fun and enjoyable. You are awesome. :)

partaaay...

So I like my job. A lot. It's fun. It's fabulous. It's funtastical. None of it has been too hard for me to learn, and none of it has been too boring for me to deal with. The people are awesome, too. I've been super, super lucky to have good coworkers throughout my employment experiences, but these kids take the prize for most awesome. Seriously.

Half of the time when I'm at PartyLand I forget it's my job. It didn't really even sink in that I'm getting paid for the work that I'm doing. Getting paid? Who gets paid to have this much fun at work? Even on days when I don't want to go to work, by the first hour of my shift I'm happier than I've been the entire day. This job is great!

Now watch, I'll make some horribly stupid mistake or I'll have a run in with a customer and then I won't be so happy after work. But so what?! Right now, it's fun!

Costume day tomorrow. Cross your fingers my skirt doesn't get caught on the ladder like it did last week. Good thing I wore basketball shorts under it...that would have been awkward.

a girl worth fighting for...

Today LDC performed for the university faculty. Every year the Institute hosts a luncheon for the UVU teachers and employees, and somehow LDC always ends up performing something to fit the theme of the event. Last year we didn't find out until the day before. Brother Eggett came into choir and said, "In a moment of weakness I may or may not have volunteered you all to put on a pirate musical. Tomorrow." So we did it! And it was rather fun.

This year we performed again, only we knew about it about a week in advance. The theme this year had something to do with China, and so we dragged out the kimonos and fans and created a mini production of the Disney movie Mulan. I don't know why the guys have the best songs in that movie. It's about a girl, for heaven's sake!

While I was waiting to perform the "show" a second time, one of the guys in choir came and sat next to me. I'll describe him to you: tall, dark, handsome, intelligent, talented, kind, hilarious, with a smile that stops your heart while simultaneously making you feel like you've just run a marathon. Aka, the kind of guy a girl like me tries desperately NOT to fall head over heals for. He's the only person I've ever met who I cannot look at while I'm frantically trying to form an intelligent sentence. I'll stare at my knees, his shoes, the floor, anything other than that face with the devastating smile. He's also the only man who upon meeting has caused me to forget my own name (true story).

So anyway, this is the guy who comes and sits by me and asks me if I'm okay. I wasn't, because I was really sad and feeling all mixed-up inside, but I didn't want to talk about it for fear of crying and smudging my carefully prepared, very black eyeliner. And then when I explained that, he did the unthinkable: he HUGGED me. And not just a hug: a hold. A longer than 10 second near cuddle while he told me that he'll be there for me anytime I need and that I shouldn't be a stranger because we're friends, and friends help each other when they need it.

When he put his arms around me, I was terrified. Boys do not touch me. I don't like it, and I don't want it. Then he pulled me close and I was even more afraid. For one my face was on fire and I was afraid he'd see it. For another, I didn't want to be that close to someone, anyone. Here's why: the last time I was held by someone of the opposite sex, I was scared of him. The feeling was totally and completely wrong. I hated the way it felt, and I wanted to get away from him, but he wouldn't let me go.

That was what I expected today, and I was immediately ready to run away. Then I realized...the feeling was completely different. With this friend from choir, I wasn't an object of gratification. I wasn't a toy to be used. I was a person, a girl with feelings and thoughts, and he was only showing me that he cared. He wasn't trying to scare me or threaten me. He was being a friend. It's been so long since I felt that around a guy that I didn't even recognize it. It was so weird to go from feeling afraid to completely relaxed, to actually enjoy being shown friendship through a physical touch.

I don't want to be scared anymore. I am, I'll admit it. But I don't want to be. I want to ENJOY choir. I want to keep the close friends I have and to make close relationships with new friends. I want to be able to love others and to trust them and to show them that I care. I want to do for others what my friend did for me, reminding me that there are good, honest, kind people out there.

I want to be a girl worth fighting for. I want to be respected and loved, really loved. I want other girls to feel that way, because they should feel that way. No woman should ever be afraid of what a man might do. No woman should ever feel threatened or used or frightened. She is to be fought for and cared for, not used and dumped aside like a toy that has lost its shine.

Tomorrow is another day. I'm going to make it better than I made today.

boxed in...

It is again beyond me to write something upbeat and happy. Despite all of the good things that happened today and all of the fun adventures that took place, I can't do it. I have to get it out.

I feel suffocated. I feel like everything is closing in around me, like I've been put into a box that is progressively growing smaller and tighter and darker by the hour. There seems to be no space inside me, and everything is just getting packed tighter and tighter together.

Everything feels like an insurmountable barrier, including getting up in the morning. I do it, only because I have to. It takes me a long time though, sometimes hours, to convince myself to get out of the bed and to get ready for the day. Even then I feel so tired and weary that it takes huge physical and mental effort to even raise my arm or to take a step forward.

No matter how hard I try to feel differently, I can't seem to do it. I can list all of the wonderful things in my life, all of the blessings I've been given, and the way I feel doesn't change. Thinking about my acceptance to BYU, my new job, my many friends, my family--there IS GOOD, and so much of it. Yet I still feel this way, this horrid, exhausted, crushed, squeezed, yucky blahness.

I want it to be Halloween now. Then I can dress up like Number Six and forget about being me for a little while. I'll be a kick butt alien who wears leather and motorcycle boots. That is going to be so super fun. Can't wait!

missing...

There are some people you meet who
forever leave an impression upon you.
It is as if he or she has left a handprint on your soul;
a permanent reminder of
the uniqueness, loveliness, and beauty of
the friendship that
you and that person created.
No amount of scrubbing,
brushing,
scraping,
or painting over
that handprint can remove its residue.
No other person can quite match the distinct
shape,
size,
width,
and length of
the palm and fingers that lay
stamped upon your heart.
There's no replacement.
There never will be.

weekly poem...

This week is less poetry in form, but the imagery is beautiful to me. I really like the writing I've found by Melanie Braverman. I like it a lot.

No longer if we'll get cancer but when

No longer if we’ll get cancer but when, the doctor said. Now questions accrete around the irritant like pearl: Not when but how? Not how but whom? And then why. And then why not. I take a can of ashes to the beach and empty them into the wind. Outside the trash man collects bottles like a miser rattling his jewels, tossing them onto the growing heap.

-Melanie Braverman

irritated...

I'm irritated with a lot of things right now. I was trying to compose a post in my head that would be cheerful and upbeat and positive, but everything came out sounding cynical and sardonic and rude. So I'll just be straight up and admit it: I am irritated.

I'm irritated with some people's lack of consideration for others. I don't know why some people think it is okay to blast their music in their cars late at night while parked outside after a party on a street full of families with young children and elderly couples, all of whom are trying to sleep.

I don't know why some people think it is okay to steal from stores and companies, even if the item you're taking is only worth a few cents. I don't know why some people find it perfectly fine to talk up the company dress code then turn around and wear one of the most immodest costumes in the store for the sake of advertising.

I don't know why some people can act in the name of the Lord one hour, and then the next hour spend time in the company of Satan, then go back to acting in the name of the Lord.

I don't know why some men find it perfectly fine and natural for them to intimidate and frighten and threaten women. I don't know how a man can think it's okay to use and hurt a woman because she's smaller and not as strong as he is, or that it's funny or "cute" when she flinches away from him so he keeps doing it for his own entertainment.

I don't understand. I know I shouldn't let any of these things bother me so much. I should just let them go and move on with my own life. None of these are things that I can control. I'll never be able to control the actions of others, or how those actions effect me. And all the same, I still get irritated. Now I'm not only irritated with others, I'm irritated with myself for being irritated with others.

On the bright side, I went to Zupas with my friend Coty and then we watched "Tangled". I never, ever, ever get tired of "Tangled". It's one of the happiest things to ever come into my life. Never get tired of Zupas, either. And it's hard to get tired of the company of a good friend, who loves you even when you're irritated. Another bright side: my first non-training day at work went well! I'm mostly in charge of the costume wall, which is just my kind of thing. I love costumes! Mine is super cute, by the way. I'm very much excited by it. Getting to dress up in a costume at work? Awesome!

Time for bed. Maybe some sleep, or at least some rest, will ease this annoying irritation. Or make it worse because my mind always jumps into overdrive at night. Or not, because I'm exhausted! I love having a job! It makes me tired!

so one time i bought a fish and i named him Leonardo...

One day I was walking Misty through the pet store because it was too cold and wet to take her for a walk outside. We were looking at the toys and meeting new friends (she was more afraid of the Corgie that was her size than she was of the Great Dane and the Irish Wolfhound). Sometimes Misty likes to watch the fish swim in their tanks; she can only see the ones low to the ground, but she'll sit and watch them swim back and forth through the water. As I was looking at the fish with her, I came to a realization: I really, really wanted a fish.

So after doing some pricing and scoping at different stores, doing some research online, and breaking into my piggy bank, I got my wish. I bought a fish. And he is a beauty.


This is Leonardo. Check out his coloring! I've never seen a betta this color. Usually they're royal blue, purple, teal, red, or white with streaks of color. Not this little guy. He's almost golden, with green and purple and yellow streaks in his fins and tail.

Leonardo is a yellow-gold Halfmoon Betta, a breed of Siamese fighting fish. Originally from Siam, bettas live in rice fields and in shallow, muddy ponds. The people of Siam began breeding these fish in the gutters of the cities to create a stronger, faster, more aggressive breed of fighting fish. It's kind of like dogfighting or cockfighting in the US, before they put bans on those "sports". Betta fish were used for the same purpose sometimes, as entertainment.

Not Leonardo, though. Since he's by himself in his bowl, there's nobody to bother him. Except for me, when I sit and talk to him about nothing and everything, or watch him swim around. I tried to have a staring contest with him yesterday, but then I remembered that fish don't have eyelids, so I just stared at him and blinked when I had to. He doesn't seem to mind if I watch him. He just swims around and blows bubbles and stuff.

I hope he explores his ruin soon! There are openings for him to go inside. Bettas like little hiding places in rocks and in grasses. Hopefully he likes his new house! It's way better than the little cup he'd been living in at the pet store. WAY better.

*WE INTERRUPT YOUR LIFE TO SAY...*

I'M GOING TO BYU!!!!

I'M GONNA BE A COUGAR!!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D There are NOT ENOUGH EMOTICONS to express my EXCITEMENT!!!!!

I just got accepted to Brigham Young University! I got a job today at Partyland! I went on a lunch date with my dad! I went to the BYU Homecoming Spectacular and dinner with my mom (before knowing I got accepted)! I bought a fish! I GOT ACCEPTED TO BYU!!!

October 6, 2011 is going down in the history of my life as an incredible, incredible, INCREDIBLE day.

BEST. DAY. EVER!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dreams...

I fell asleep last night and woke up feeling more exhausted than I was when I went to bed. All night long there were weird, weird dreams. Each one segued with no rhyme or reason into the next. Out of order these may be, because I can't remember which one came first. I just remember that they were weird:

1. There was a little lost two or three year old boy in the toy section at Walmart. He was sick and threw up all over the aisle and his clothes. I wanted to comfort him but figured it would be a good idea to clean him up first. When I was trying to do this, some employees and family members started yelling at me that I was totally heartless for not picking him up and holding him to stop his crying. He wasn't even mine! I had no idea who he was. Cute kid though. Super cute.
2. It was Thanksgiving Day and EVERY Burger King in the state was closed until 2am. For some reason I had to have the car home by 11pm, so no fries for me. The people in the car with me were mad at me because I had to have the car home early, and they got out and told me to get lost. Meanies.
3. An ex-boyfriend I didn't know I had was throwing pieces of glass at me, and then locked me in the bathroom of a hotel and started the building on fire.
4. Mom and I went to Costco and were getting samples while shopping. One of the samples was chocolate covered strawberries, one being dipped in milk chocolate and the other in white chocolate. The man at the counter let my mom have one of each, but when I tried to take two he said that I could only have one. When I tried to sneak one of the other kinds, he smacked me on the hand with his spoon.
5. My mom and I were shopping again and we split up so we could get the job done faster. I came back after I'd found everything on my list and met up with her. She was talking to some ladies from our ward. When they saw me coming, they all turned their backs on me and started talking about me, then walked off.
6. Somehow my grandparents' house got moved to Wyoming. There was a ski lodge there that my dad was at, and he had me wait in the car while he was talking to some people. He decided to give his new friends rides home, and there wasn't room for me in the car (even though it was a Suburban). They tied a sled to the back of the car, threw me a blanket, and told me to hang on. I kept slipping and trying to hold on to the blanket and the rope, and then dad turned really sharply and I got thrown into a tree.
7. I was helping with a friend's wedding, and I was supposed to be dipping strawberries in chocolate to chill for the reception the next day. Every time I dipped a strawberry, it came out all flat and shriveled, like a balloon that's had all the air let out. My friend got super mad at me and told me that she didn't want me to be her bridesmaid anymore because I messed up all of her strawberries, and kicked me out of the kitchen where I was helping.
8. The ex-boyfriend showed up again at a lodge where I was staying. He told me he was sorry things had gone bad, and he had a present for me out back. I walked out onto the balcony, and he locked me out in the cold. Then I saw the polar bear that he'd brought to eat me, trying to claw its way up onto the balcony. Slightly terrifying, especially when the balcony started to give way under the onslaught of sharp claws and teeth, with an angry bear roaring beneath me and an insane ex-boyfriend laughing inside the lodge.

Throughout every dream, it was consistently 3 degrees Fahrenheit on the temperature reading on my phone. I know because my dream self checked it at least once during every dream.

Stupid dreams. But kind of funny now that I'm not dreaming them anymore!

double dating duo...

Carrots and I drove up to a park in Provo Canyon with our photography devices in tow. We made it a date, she with her man Gus, and me with my man Smalls. Yes. We name our cameras. And we date them. That's how very single we are. But what better date could there be than two best girls heading up to the canyon with their image capturing men who don't talk back and only give slight problems when it comes to finding the proper settings? Not to mention the gorgeous leaves, and me being able to spy on Carrot's very superior photography skills. You can learn a lot by watching a pro. In short, the outing was very fun and quite successful! Especially when it started to rain while we were heading back to the car. That was very enjoyable.

While Carrots is a much better picture taker person than I am, I'm still happy with the way some of my pictures turned out. Especially the ones of Carrots! She is such a cute girl. I'm so lucky that she's a good friend to me. She's truly a kindred spirit.













PS Did I mention how much I love the panorama setting on my camera? Um, yeah. I love it.

late at night...

When my side of the world is dark and quiet, I'm awake with the side of the world that is busy living. When my side of the world is supposed to be sleeping, I spend a lot of time thinking about the things I need to do when the other side of the world is in darkness.

My internal clock is not properly set, I suppose. Either that or it gets overrided by the wiring of my mind, which executes commands that do not translate into "sleep", but to "think", "do", "be". Yes, sometimes I can sleep, when exhaustion takes over. Other than that, good luck!

The only real problem with not being able to sleep is that I can't get anything done at night because I'll wake up all of the proper sleepers in the house. Quiet things can be done, of course. Then all of those things get finished and there's nothing to do. Oh, Facebook and Blogger, how I love you. Quiet and somewhat entertaining. Until it gets boring. Funny how the Internet can be boring sometimes.

PS I had a job interview today at Partyland. The interview was actually quite enjoyable. It's the first time I've never felt super nervous about talking to a potential employer. The girl who interviewed me was super nice, and she made it a conversation instead of just "question, answer, question, answer". It was fun! Fingers crossed that it goes somewhere. :)

September top 10...

1. A Little Bit Stronger-Sara Evans
2. Words I Couldn't Say-Rascal Flatts
3. Easy-Rascal Flatts
4. Every Teardrop is a Waterfall-Coldplay
5. Party Rock Anthem-LMFAO
6. Hide and Seek-Imogen Heap
7. The Truth-Kris Allen
8. What I Wanted to Say-Colbie Caillat
9. Impossible-Shontelle
10. Falling Stars-David Archuleta

weekly poem...

Poem (Internal Scene)

To make beauty out of pain, it damns the eyes—
No, dams the eyes. See how they overflow?
No damns them, damns them, and so they cry.
What shape can I swallow to make me whole?
Baby’s bird-shaped block, blue-painted wood
That fits in the bird-hole of the painted wood box?
The skeleton leaf? The skeleton key? Loud
Knock when the shape won’t unlock any locks.
I hear it through the static in the baby’s room
When the monitor clicks on and off, sound
Of sea-ice cracking against the jagged sea-rocks,
Laughing gull in the gale. What is it dives down
Past sight, down there dark with the other blocks?
It can’t be seen, only heard. A kind of curse,
This kind curse. Forgive me. Blessing that hurts.

-Dan Beachy-Quick

prayers are answered...

Even if you aren't consciously aware of asking for anything.

Last Christmas the Provo Tabernacle burned down. This building meant so much to many members of the community. It was a place where people could gather to sing and to speak and to do all sorts of unifying things. The tabernacle was one of my favorite places, and sadly I took it for granted. When it burned, I realized how much it meant to me and I was devestated, just like a lot of other people.

I was one of the last people to be in the Provo Tabernacle before it burned down. LDC was slated to perform in the "Gloria!" concert with Lex de Azevedo the night after the fire. Everything was all set to go, and the rehearsal went pretty well. We were there quite late, talking after the rehearsal in the choir lofts just below the antique pioneer organ. The building was beautiful, all decked out and shimmering for Christmas. When I heard that the tabernacle was on fire, I prayed so hard that it could be saved. However, the roof collapsed, and that was the end of it.

Today President Monson announced that there will be a new temple built, right where the Provo Tabernacle is. I realized right as he said it that the Lord had answered a prayer I didn't know I'd prayed. I'd given up hope that the building could be saved, but it is going to be, in a way better than I could have ever imagined! I am so, so excited for this to happen! The tabernacle will stand again, just refined and purified. It's how we are refined and purified, through the fire of the Holy Ghost, and we become holy through that. How interesting is that, that through fire the tabernacle has become an even holier, more
magnificent place.


The Lord really does care about his children. He loves us. We MATTER to him. YOU! Matter to him. Don't forget that.

they think i'm funny...

Ruthie's room mates have been laughing at me all night long. They think I'm funny, and in some cases, hilarious. When Mariah, Ruthie, and I went to dinner at Cafe Rio, Mariah was busting up at the stuff I was saying. Sometimes I knew why she and Ruthie were laughing (Ruthie doesn't laugh quite so hard anymore, because she's used to me), but the other half of the time I was super confused! Only don't tell them that. It's super embarrassing to have people find out that I don't get my own jokes! Haha!

Friday afternoon I went on a grand adventure by myself to the wonderful old city of Logan. I'd never made the drive by myself before, so I was rather excited that I remembered the way! My dear best friend forever Ruthie invited me to spend the weekend with her at her apartment. Since it's General Conference weekend (see lds.org for more info), I decided to take the almost responsibility free opportunity and head for the hills! This will probably be one of the last times Ruthie and I will get to spend time together until Christmas, so I want to make the most of it.

Conference weekend is usually family only time, at least with my family. When I talked to my mom about it, she didn't want me to go at first. I talked to her about some stuff and why it was important to me that I go see Ruthie; to be honest, I was really surprised and very, very grateful that mom let me go. A lot of things have been happening in my life with friends, and things have been changing so much. Ruthie is one of those people who knows what's been going on and who has been helping me get through everything. To see her in person, especially since that happens so rarely, is so great. And yes, we will watch Conference. Granted, it might be online (her apartment doesn't have cable), but we'll figure it out!

Kenna called me today. Can I just say that I love that girl to death? She's pretty much my older sister. I adopted her last year in choir, and I am SO GLAD that she's a part of my life! It was great to hear her voice, and to talk to her about some of the stuff that's happening in my life. It was also awesome to hear the updates from her life, she being recently married and a member of the cast for "The Savior of the World". I love talking to her! I'm so glad she called to say hi.

Hm...I think I'm the only one still awake...no surprises there, haha. I'm going to amuse myself until I get tired enough to sleep. :)