It is again beyond me to write something upbeat and happy. Despite all of the good things that happened today and all of the fun adventures that took place, I can't do it. I have to get it out.
I feel suffocated. I feel like everything is closing in around me, like I've been put into a box that is progressively growing smaller and tighter and darker by the hour. There seems to be no space inside me, and everything is just getting packed tighter and tighter together.
Everything feels like an insurmountable barrier, including getting up in the morning. I do it, only because I have to. It takes me a long time though, sometimes hours, to convince myself to get out of the bed and to get ready for the day. Even then I feel so tired and weary that it takes huge physical and mental effort to even raise my arm or to take a step forward.
No matter how hard I try to feel differently, I can't seem to do it. I can list all of the wonderful things in my life, all of the blessings I've been given, and the way I feel doesn't change. Thinking about my acceptance to BYU, my new job, my many friends, my family--there IS GOOD, and so much of it. Yet I still feel this way, this horrid, exhausted, crushed, squeezed, yucky blahness.
I want it to be Halloween now. Then I can dress up like Number Six and forget about being me for a little while. I'll be a kick butt alien who wears leather and motorcycle boots. That is going to be so super fun. Can't wait!