Sunday, October 16, 2011

flying solo...

Right now I'm feeling like I'm forever destined to be "the best friend". Which is okay, and is quite fulfilling, actually. Who wouldn't want to have a group of awesome, wonderful best friends? However...seeing all of these friends in relationships...and I don't have one...and I've never really had a legit one...sometimes that's a little hard.

Don't get me wrong, at this point in my life, the last thing I want is a relationship! Seriously, I think that'd be a mistake. And, being honest, I don't really want to do couple things. Like kissing, for example. Um...who came up with that? The logistics of it are just weird. Freaks me out, really.

Even knowing those things though, it's sometimes lonely to see all of these people paired off and super happy to be together, especially since I'm one of the only people in my close group of friends who isn't in a relationship (or who has never been kissed for that matter). At the same time I kind of scoff at having a relationship of my own, I catch myself smiling when I see a guy kiss a girl on the forehead or when a couple walks across campus hand in hand. Awwwwww. Then a split second later I'm deep in thought about what it would be like, then mentally shaking myself back to reality. NO BOYS. Bad idea right now.

Being single is fun! It really is. There's a lot of freedom, and there's a lot less to worry about. At least considering the only "relationship" I've ever been in, which was never quite a relationship but was about to be. Man...I was an idiot. So yeah, compared to that, being single is so much better. No commitment, no being tied down, no being trapped, and a lot less fear that someone you've invested a lot in is going to change his mind or turn out to be someone completely opposite of what he projected himself to be. I mean, if you were only ever friends and things go south, no big. There's a lot less heartache that way.

I know this is probably not the healthiest way to look at relationships, but it's where I'm at right now. For me personally, it's safer. I find that I'm easily taken advantage of, but I don't realize it until I've gotten myself in too deep to escape without a great deal of pain. I don't particularly like being taken advantage of. I don't really like getting my heart broken, either.

In the words of David Archuleta:
"Sometimes you just know when to hold on, when to let go. I'm gonna take this moment that I'm in right now, stop this craziness somehow. Leave it all behind me; no one's gonna find me. I've got nothing to win and I've got nothing to lose, just tryin' to walk in my own two shoes. Gonna take the time now. It's time for me to find out who I am."

That's what time it is. Time for me to find out who I am.

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