day 20...

a song that I listen to when I'm angry...

THE WAY YOU LIE
The Band Perry
Oooo, sometimes you just want to kill something, don't you? Actually I don't think I'd even really want to kill something. Verbally attack, yes. Maybe backhand really hard (only done that once).

day 19...

a song from my favorite album...

TO BE WITH YOU
David Archuleta
This song makes me act weird. I get all teary eyed while smiling like a maniac at the same time. Kind of like people do on their wedding days. ???

let's be as awkward as possible...

LDC performed tonight for a wedding reception. Jess and Liz, who were members of the choir, got married today! They are the cutest ever, Jess in his turquoise and black, Liz in her white dress. Those two are just perfect, really. And the reception itself? So beautiful! Liz had lanterns for decorations! That automatically makes her like, 15 times more awesome. I am so having lanterns and lights at my reception. I've entertained the idea for awhile, but actually seeing it tonight sealed the deal. It is just so pretty. Jess sang a song to Liz a little later in the evening, and it was totally precious. I love those two! They are the greatest.

After all of the fun reception traditions, people were just milling around and dancing and stuff. One of the boys in the choir pulled me aside to ask me as question.

"Of all of the boys in choir, which one do you want to date?"
My brain? How the heck am I supposed to answer that?!
Out loud? "Do I have to answer that question?"
His reply, "Yes."

Oh. Awkward. Why? *ahem*:

1. He would never consider me.
2. He's almost dating another girl in the choir, who is also a good friend of mine.
3. The "he" in these sentences is the him who asked me the question.

And so I said, "Well, [insert name], I really can't say because, well...I mean, I can't. And besides...he's pretty much dating another girl."

His reply? *blank stare slowly leading to realization* "Oh. Well...oh." A little more conversation about other boys who I might consider in the choir, and he walked away.

Let's just make things as awkward as we possibly can, shall we? I mean, our friendship has already become awkward, but let's just add to it. *sigh* I need to just let all boys go and stay home in my room with a book, a blanket, some chocolate, and some music. The only problem with that is I get bored quickly.

On a different note! I broke down and went to visit the Raddatz family (after lasting only three days of trying to not go see them). Jordan performed his theater final for me, two monologues. That boy is much more talented than I gave him credit for. I rarely get to see him perform outside of ballroom or choir settings. He has great delivery, a good sense of emotion, he portrays thought behind the lines...he's very good.

Soon after I went to the graduation rehearsal at the college. Yes, I'm graduating tomorrow, and surprisingly so are a lot of the people who were there. I say that because some of the questions they asked made me wonder at the validity of their diplomas. Sheesh! It was hilarious. Jordan picked me up. He drove up in his brother's old car with the windows down, music blasting, aviators on, hair all windblown, and shirt partially unbuttoned (the overall effect was very nice). He leaned out the window and yelled, "HEY, baby!!" At first I didn't know what to do, so I laughed and returned the greeting, just without the "baby" at the end. I love that kid. He is so great; I'm so glad he's my friend.

Jason, Kyle, Mandy, and I had an awesome dart gun fight. I got very good at hitting people in the face. I didn't mean to. To be honest, I wasn't even aiming the thing because the gun wouldn't shoot straight. Interesting moment: I chased Jason into the house after he nailed me in the face with one of the darts, and instead of running to the back of the house he stopped and turned around so abruptly that I ran into him. He put his arms around my waist and pulled me close into a hug. Then we just stood there in the entryway, door open, his siblings watching us, not saying anything. It was not like him at all. Usually he waits for me to hug him, and that's always when we're saying good-bye. But this? It was different. Not in a bad way. Just a different way.

I really need to quit playing with boys. I'm too girly to keep my feelings in the Friendship Only zone. Idiot.

Bubbles followed the dart fight, as did kite flying in a neighboring church parking lot. I haven't flown a kite in years! It was great! I'd forgotten how much fun it is.

So, in my area of life that concerns young men, I really need to grow up, get over everything, and move on. I'm too girly and boy crazy. Blergh. Something else to work on.

day 18...

song that I wish I heard on the radio...

A YEAR WITHOUT RAIN
Selena Gomez
This song USED to be played on the radio. I don't know what happened to it. I kinda miss it. Thank heavens for youTube.



NEVER SAY NEVER
Justin Bieber
NO, I did NOT post these two songs together because Justin and Selena are allegedly dating. I just love NEVER SAY NEVER (and secretly, I adore Justin). This is another song I wish they'd play on the radio. Again, thanks for youTube.

attack...

My last final for the semester was this morning. I finished it in about ten minutes, due to the fact that all of the questions and answers were taken directly from the quizzes given throughout the semester. After taking the test I walked to my car, drove home, went to my bedroom, and stood in the middle of the floor looking around. Here are the thoughts I had:

This room...disaster. How did I let it get this bad? Hm...I have no more homework to do. I have no tests to study for. I have no papers to write. I have nothing to read. I have nowhere to go. I will probably be very bored in about, eh, five minutes. I have time. Why not? I have nothing to stop me. Heck. It'd be freakin' stupid to let this room stay like this. That's it. I'm doing this.

Charge! I attacked my bedroom, starting with all of the stuff under the bed. Then, with a little bit of guilt and almost a few tears, I boxed up all of my stuffed animals. ALL of them. And I had to consciously remind myself (out loud) that stuffed animals do not have feelings, and that at 19 years old I shouldn't be worrying that they would be sad and afraid and betrayed sitting in a box in the corner of my bedroom. That ordeal over, I started on the bookshelves.

By that time (and currently) I started wondering why in the world I have so much junk. Seriously, I don't know why I've kept half of the stuff that I threw away today or put in a pile to donate or sell. I'm not even finished yet! I have little piles all over my floor that I still need to sort through, mostly loose papers and random odds and ends. I didn't even touch all of my clean clothes that I need to put away. They're sitting in a laundry basket at the end of the bed. Clothes need to be sorted through, too. And the dresser. And the closet.

Ugh. I probably should have waited to start this project until after choir tour. BUT, the bookshelves look great! Progress!


PS I was much more obsessed with Star Wars when I was younger than I ever realized. I've found so much stuff! Books, posters, toys, games, holy crap. I sure have the Force with me; there's little bits of it all over my room! It's kind of embarrassing, looking back. Gah. I was such a nerd in junior high! And the pictures of Hayden Christensen that keep turning up? Haha...to quote Jason (complete with eye roll and slight shudder), "Thank goodness you outgrew THAT phase!!"

PPS I'm very glad that my psych professor waited until the last week of classes to cut his hair. He was cute before, but this new haircut is extremely flattering. When he walked in the room, I totally forgot about the final. He's so cute it's distracting.

day 17...

a song that I hear often on the radio...

PERFECT
P!nk
Yes, another clean version. I love this song! Every time it comes on the radio, it makes me happy and I turn it up! Plus I harmonize with it. It's pretty legit, not gonna lie. :) Honestly though, it has a pretty good message. Sometimes you have to remember that YOU are the only person who can be perfect at being you. YOU are perfect because you are YOU. Not because you look like a celebrity or sing like a celebrity or draw like Rembrandt or make billions like Bill Gates or anything like that. Each person possesses a beautiful uniqueness. Each person has beauty on the inside, and each person is perfect the way they are. Perfect in our imperfections.

mind muddle...

I can't sleep. Surprise! Here's why:

First, I have a song stuck in my head that I learned way back in fifth grade (maybe 8 or 9 years ago [scary thought]). It's called "Two Little Boys". I remember most of the lyrics and have these gaps (the somethings) in sections:

"Two little boys had two little toys.
Each had a wooden horse.
Gaily they played each summer's day,
soldier boys of course.
One little chap he had a mishap--
broke off his horse's head.
Wept for his toy then cried with joy...something something something...
Did you think I would leave you crying
when there's room on my horse for two?
Climb up here, Jack, and don't be crying
I can go just as fast with two.
When we're grown up we'll both be soldiers...something something something...
Long years have past. War came at last.
Bravely they marched away.
Cannon roared loud and mid battle's crowd
wounded and dying Joe lay.
Then out from the ranks a horse passes by,
out from the ranks so blue.
Gallops away to where Joe lay,
and a voice rang loud and true:
Did you think I would leave you dying
when there's room on my horse for two?
Climb up here, Joe, and don't be sighing
he can go just as fast with two.
Now we're grown up and we're both soldiers...something something something..."

*sigh* Writing it out didn't have the result I hoped for. It's still going through my head over and over again, even though I'm playing other songs. Aaaannoying.

Second reason why I can't sleep: Aries. Always Aries. I don't even know why I miss him! I keep wondering what he's doing, and where he is, and if he's happy, and if he misses me as much as I miss him. I keep wondering if I made a mistake. I'm mad at myself for taking a chance on him when I knew I shouldn't. I'm mad that I miss him. But the worst part is that I wish he was around to hold me and to fix everything, because I can't seem to fix things on my own. That'd just make things worse, of course. Stupid girl.

Third reason why I can't sleep: there is another person that I miss, and I miss him in a very different way than I miss Aries.

Fourth reason: I have a final in the morning. I don't know why I'm nervous for this one. I was able to sleep perfectly fine the night before my math final. This one is just Psychology...I did really well on my midterm...Psychology just clicks for me...so why am I nervous?! Grr.

Fifth reason: There's a friend of mine who I am suddenly scared of. Not because he'd ever hurt me or do anything mean. He's not like that. No, it's because of something he said about a group of people. The words he used? "I despise them." "They disgust me." "I hate people like that." Hm...well, he has no idea that I used to be a part of that group of people. He doesn't need to know, either. But if he were to find out? I wonder how he'd react, and what would happen. That's what scares me.

Dreams are scary sometimes, too. I have lots of dreams every night. Some I remember better than others. One in particular I've had the past three nights. This dream leaves me feeling more exhausted than I was when I went to bed.

The mind is so powerful! Conscious, subconscious, unconscious...whatever. Brain = a very strong muscle, full of chemicals, thoughts, electricity, and all of the other stuff that goes on up there. Sometimes I wish there was an 'off' switch. But then maybe it'd make a person brain dead...not happy. I guess being unable to sleep is better than being brain dead.

I am so odd.

day 16...

a song that I used to love but now hate...

TIM MCGRAW
Taylor Swift
Overplayed. Overrated. I'm so over this song.

pain killers...

Do you ever have days (or weeks or months) where things just seem to hurt? Circumstances and experiences, memories, whatever, things just sometimes are really, really, really hard. It's part of life, pain. All types of it.

I have found some pain killers this weekend that work very well. Some of them are surprising, and others not so much, but each one has made things a little easier to deal with.

1. Doing math problems


I have no concrete reason for why this helps. By all rights I call myself crazy for including this. However, I have a theory: when I'm focused on computations and numbers, I don't have time to think about all of the things that are bothering me. I only have space in my head to calculate numbers and remember theorums and formulas. Those are problems I can solve. There is also an answer key so when I do get stuck, I can work through problems step by step until I can do it perfectly on my own.

2. Running through the rain
I've been praying for a really good storm to happen at a time that I could go out and play in it. Today, my prayer was answered. Yes, it didn't really rain today, but close enough. It hailed, a super big cloud burst of ice and freezing water that left puddles in seconds. I put on my shoes and ran out into the storm, my only goal to get totally soaked in as little time as possible (boy, did I get wet). There was something incredible about running as fast as I could through the ice, my hair blowing in my face and water soaking into my clothes and shoes. It was so cold, and I felt more alive than I have in a long time. Some of the ache seemed to wash away. Every time I purposefully splashed through a puddle, or tipped my head to the sky while twirling in circles in the road, I felt free.

3. Flowers
My parents gave me a bouquet of roses at my last concert with LDC. Emilyann brought me a bouquet of flowers yesterday for Easter, saying she knew I'd been really stressed and wanted me to know that she loves me. Her adorable little siblings came, too. They are the sweetest kids, just like their big sister. Flowers are beautiful. Here. I'll show you. The first picture is of the flowers from Emilyann. The second is the bouquet from my parents:



Need I say more about flowers? They say enough for themselves. :)

4. Puppies
My dog is adorable. She's not really a puppy anymore, but she's still a sweetheart. I love my little Misty.



5. Friends


Yes, sometimes friends create more pain than they are worth--or so it would seem. Something I've been trying to remember is that while some people may walk away, the Lord puts people in their place. During this whole adventure with Aries, I've found that my heart is full of more people than I ever could have imagined. I have so many incredible people in my life. They help me every day, whether through bringing flowers like Emilyann did, shooting me a text message to say hello, sitting by me so I'm not totally alone, letting me spend time with them and their families, or just saying hello while walking across campus and running into me...I have super awesome people to hang out with. From friends I made in high school to new ones in college, I am so blessed.





6. My Family
I'm not kind enough to my family. They put up with me anyway. I don't know why they do it. Even on the days when I'm super grumpy and unhappy, they still make an effort to show that they love me. It amazes me that they care so much. I don't know why they do. I'm grateful for them though, that they do keep me around and try to help, even when I don't think I want any help. I love them so much. They're wonderful.



I have cute sisters, don't I? They are probably two of my bestest friends in the world. Yeah, we fight, but these two are part of the few who know me well enough to get me to smile even when I am determined not to.





These are some of the natural pain killers I have found. They tend to work better than Ibuprofen or Tylenol (those make me nauseous anyway). I know that some days will be harder than others, no matter how hard I try to be happy and to recognize all of the good. Sometimes it's just hard. Still, I'm grateful for the little things, like rain and flowers and good times with good people. To me, those things aren't so little. They're huge, because they make all the difference in my life.

day 15...

a song that describes me...

I'LL TRY
Jonatha Brooke
Off of the PETER PAN II soundtrack, this song describes how I feel sometimes and the way I am. Sometimes it's hard for me to believe in anything. It's hard for me to remember the things I've been taught and all of the examples that I've been given. There is so much in this world that is hard for me to accept and to understand, much less believe in. However, I'm given plenty of reminders and lots of help to keep going. This new part of life, this new independence and time of decision making...I wouldn't get through it without my family and friends. They never give up on me, even when I doubt and fear. I'm so grateful for the people in my life who always help me and who love me, even when I'm stubborn or scared. Thank you so much! I love you all.



And a little PS: watch this if you need something to make you smile, cry, or remind you what a beautiful place we live in. Thanks to Erin for sharing it!

The Mountain from Terje Sorgjerd on Vimeo.

day 14...

a song that no one would expect me to love...

HIDE AND SEEK
Imogen Heap
I don't really know why I picked this song for this post. Maybe it's because I wanted to sneak it in here somewhere, and this is the place it seemed to fit the best. I love this song because each time you listen to it you can get something different out of it. The lyrics are like poetry that has to be read and thought about; one skim isn't enough to get all of it. It's different for every person. The harmonies themselves are so complex yet so simple that each time you listen it's like hearing a new song. At least that's how it is for me.

charlotte's web...

Tonight I am very much reminded of a quote from the movie "Charlotte's Web". The narrator talks about Wilbur's inability to get to sleep and says, "When your stomach is empty and your mind is full, it's often very hard to fall asleep."

Amen. There is so much on my mind. And I'm hungry, but I don't feel like eating anything. Which is why I'm up. That quote kept running through my head, as well as all of the other things and it made me laugh.

Finals are next week. I finished my rough draft of my philosophy paper tonight. I'll probably look over it tomorrow before I submit it. College algebra? I just can't. I care so much that it stresses me past the point tears, and I can't see my notes or review sheets. It's pathetic. Psychology final? Hopefully it will be okay. I got 106/100 on my midterm.

I'm upset. I don't know why. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't even study anymore.

Perhaps it's because of the unknown of tomorrow. I may or may not see Aries. I don't want to see him, but I am not going to miss a friend's mission farewell because of this whole mess. It is a mess, one I'm finding very hard to clean up, or keep clean, because it just keeps coming back.

Today was Jordan's birthday. He went through the temple for the first time in preparation for his mission. I made some cookies for him, chocolate peppermint drops. Next time I'll use Andes mints instead of York patties, which the recipe called for. The peppermint candy center would melt and, unlike chocolate, wouldn't reform well so the batter didn't set nicely. I hope he likes them. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Jordan!! I love you!!

Do you ever feel so much for a person that you start to get mad at them? Do you ever look at someone and realize how much you care and just wish you could yell, "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO WONDERFUL?! STOP IT!!" And then you get angry at yourself because it's not the other person's fault. It's entirely YOUR fault. And it hurts, and it's ridiculous. It's all because you know it's not right. Whether it's timing or personality or dreams or any number of factors--it's not right. And all the same, you still wish for it to be right. "Don't wish. Don't start. Wishing only wounds the heart."

He gave me pennies today. Three of them. He found them in Logan, and said that each time he found one, he thought of me.

I'm the biggest drama queen ever. Just a pathetic little child.

My parents gave me a bouquet of roses last night at the concert. I'm looking at them right now. They're so pretty!! I love roses. I'm starting to love daffodils, too. I never really noticed them until this spring. Someone planted them at random all over campus. They're so bright and yellow and odd looking, you can't help but notice them. It's not a bad odd, though. It's a confident sort of odd, a flower of such a strange shape standing so tall and bold, but delicate as it bobs its head in the breeze. Hello, hello, it seems to whisper, I'm giving you something to smile about. Cheer up! Chin up! Cheer up! Flowers. Love.

This post is a tangled web of thoughts. They don't connect, but somehow they do connect, one idea jumping from another. Tangled webs. Tangled hearts and minds, tangled lives.

I love that movie, by the way. I think I will watch it when my finals are over. If I have time. If not, then I'll watch it the week after choir tour.

My finger hurts. The pointer finger on my left hand. Every time I type a key with it, it feels like it's jammed. I'll take the hint and finish.

day 13...

a song that is a guilty pleasure...
RAISE YOUR GLASS P!nk
Haha...I love this song (the clean version). It's so funny and some days I feel like it applies. Like those days when you just don't care anymore and want to have fun? Yep. Raise your glass, girls! Full of root beer, of course. :)




COWBOY CASANOVA Carrie Underwood
Another guilty pleasure. What girl doesn't secretly find that suave, devilishly clever, dangerously handsome man attractive? Haha...

oh, hello...

What is it with good-byes that only last a day or two? I will give the guy some credit. He graduated from 24 hours of forever to 48 hours of forever. I should have known he'd be back. I spent too much time being relieved and not enough time preparing an answer. So now? No answers. Gah, that is so hard to say! It hurts, more than it should!

Thankfully I have some very protective and smart friends in Brianna and Shelby. I'll put my promise in writing:

I, Georgie, do solemnly swear on my life and my secret stash of emergency chocolate that I will not read any texts or answer any texts/phone calls from Aries. If I break this promise, persons being promised will not be prosecuted for causing injury or for the removal of my personal belongings (such as my phone) until I can maintain my declaration of distance from Aries.

So there you have it, girls. I promise. Haha, OH the drama!!

Speaking of hello, HELLO math review. Man, those hours were painful! After trying to wrap my head around difference quotients, matrices, hyperbolas and other graphs, determinants, sequences and series, logarithms...ugh. What with all of the other stuff going on during the week, I was glad to go to sleep for a little while (after an explosion of tears due to frustration, lack of self-confidence, fear, problems with friends, etc).

LDC's performance tonight was helpful, too. The music was beautiful!! I love singing with these people (we're done in two weeks...I'm not going to think about it). There's something incredible about 70 people bearing testimony together through song. The logistics and mechanics of how a choir actually works in producing sound has fascinated me for several months. It's totally mind blowing. When you get everyone to work together to be one, you can do so many beautiful things with music.

Bad news about choir: After almost 9 months of care, my dress finally ripped. Only two weeks to go and the dang thing finally broke. How lame is that? Oh, and word to the wise: don't grab the wrong end of the iron, especially when it's on. It kinda hurts.

day 12...

a song from a band/artist I hate...

YOUR LOVE IS MY DRUG

Ke$ha

Ew.

gotcha...

Last night I was at the Raddatz family's home, and the kids and I played hide n' seek. I texted Jason about the game while he was at work, and he was very disappointed that he didn't get to play.

Well, today the game continued, only with Jason around it was much more intense. It started out with he and Kyle shooting one another with rubber bands. Then they decided that I'd be a much better target, and ganged up on me for fun. Pretty soon it was the two boys against me and and the three kidlets. I didn't do very well at hiding...I wasn't sure of any good places to hide or which places were off limits. Jason said I did well despite those disadvantages. I suppose that's praise?

The best/worst parts of the game were when I was hiding in the basement pantry. It locks from the outside, so I figured I could hide out in there and one of the kids could lock me in. With the latch across the door, Jason and Kyle wouldn't know I was in there. It worked for awhile, but they eventually found me. Little did I know the reason why it took them so long to find me...

Only your best friends will chase you around the house with rubber bands and dart guns, then while you are waiting out the hunt hide one of your shoes in the mailbox and the other in a tire swing, put your keys in the bottom of the potato basket, and park your car around the block. Yep. Jason and Kyle took all of my things and hid them (thankfully I still had my phone on my person though).

Jason did take pity on my efforts to find everything (maybe it was pity, or maybe it was the fact that my dad called and said I needed to come home asap to go to dinner with my family) and started playing the hot and cold game so I could locate my belongings. Yeah...only your best friends take your stuff then make you find everything, all the while laughing at your frustration and threats of bodily harm.

Can I just say now that Jason is amazing? Yes, he makes me SO "mad" sometimes, and he's much more clever than I am when it comes to pranks and games. I can't keep up with his genius plans. But he really is amazing. His whole family is awesome!! I don't know what I'd do without them. From Brother Raddatz down to little Amy, I love them all so much.

Oh, and note: Jason gives great hugs. Just sayin'.

day 11...

a song from my favorite band/artist...

YOU BELONG TO ME
Dean Martin
There are a lot of bands and artists that I love (as you've probably noticed). Deano though...man. This guy can SING! I mean, how romantic is this? Take a listen.

24 or forever...

You know Aries told me yesterday that it was "good-bye for now". Well, as of a few hours ago, it's "Good-bye. I hope you have a wonderful life." 24 hours of good-bye turned into a request for another chance, which turned into good-bye forever. All in a day.

He told me that he couldn't stand living without one of his best friends in his life. He asked me to tell him what he could do to make things right. I didn't close any doors on him. I didn't open any doors either. As my friend Kyle said, I "opened the door while leaving the safety chain in place". I didn't walk away. I didn't tell him to leave. I would never do that. I've thought it, and said it to other people, but I don't think I ever really meant it. There is no way in heaven or on earth that I would just walk away from a friend, no matter what they'd done. I've never been able to do that.

He's the one who said good-bye. He's the one who is walking away. Friends tell me that he'll come back. "That's the way he is", they say, "He says he's done but doesn't really mean it. He'll come back. He always does."

I don't know. I get the feeling that he won't come back, and that this forever of good-bye begins tonight. Forever. It's a long time.

I feel mixed up and confused. First there was a feeling of relief. Then there came this odd, crushing feeling that was so strong my legs almost gave way beneath me and I had to sit down. Following that was a determination to keep smiling and to forget about the whole dang thing. Then came a dull but persistent ache, and I found myself fighting tears. Then I couldn't cry at all, even when I wanted to. I still can't cry.

The aching feeling isn't something I expected. I didn't expect it yesterday, but it faded. I didn't expect it today, either. I suspect that this will last a while longer. Somehow I find myself wishing that this good-bye really will be forever, and that he won't come back to the place in my heart that now feels empty. It's best to just let it be, to find something else to fill that space. The back and forth between him being here and being gone is too much of a rollercoaster.

It's amazing what can happen between two people in such short amounts of time. I know that much of the fault is mine, but I don't know how to fix it without getting into serious trouble. He admitted that he's a master of manipulation, more than one time. How can I trust a person who openly boasts of this, calling it his art and his gift? That isn't a gift, in my book, especially when a person uses it to hurt and use others.

Thank heavens for my wonderful friends and family. I don't know what I would do without my LDC friends. I don't know what I would do without Jason (I can't imagine my life without him anymore), and Jordan, and Kyle, and their family. I don't know what I would do without my own family--my sisters and my parents. Even my puppy. I am so, so grateful for them.

Speaking of friends, my friend Brady had his appendix removed early this morning. He hasn't been feeling well lately. No wonder! I'm glad that he's been taken care of, and that he'll be able to recover and be healthy again. He's awesome. I'm really glad that I met him; he's helped me many times this semester. He's one of those people who you just can't help but love because he's so gosh darn kind.

One more day of recording for LDC tomorrow, math test results (yikes), and my last paper of the semester to work on. Tomorrow WILL be good. No boy is going to ruin my life. Sure, this hurts. But I will not let it mess other things up. Remind me that I said that, okay? I'll probably forget and start to mope because I'm silly like that.

day 10...

a song that makes me fall asleep...
SLEEPSONG Secret Garden

It's in the title. This song makes me feel so relaxed and safe. Someday I want to sing this to my children. I cannot wait to be able to sing lullabies to my own little ones.

an attempt...

Parts of today were really discouraging and sad. I am almost 99% positive that I failed my math test. I don't understand how I can get perfect or near perfect scores on the homework but do terribly on the actual test. I wasn't the only one in the class who was frustrated and confused. That thing was rough. Seriously, it was like I didn't know anything at all.

Another sad thing about today was the memory of something a friend said yesterday. I've been trying not to think about it, but it was kind of awkward to talk to him. He gave an honest but rather brutal opinion about something. He has no idea that I'm part of the group that he was speaking against. I wonder what would happen if he did. Of course it doesn't really matter much, but I just wonder, you know?

Third sad thing: Aries texted me and asked me what I want him to do. I told him I don't know, because really and truly I have no idea. His answer was that this is good-bye for now because it's apparent that I don't want him around so he won't stay. Now, I know I should be relieved by that. He made the decision to leave, and I didn't tell him to get out of my life or leave me the heck alone. However, it's strange that I feel sad. I guess that's what happens with friendships: the affection doesn't go away even when you're angry or feel like you can't trust a person. Yes, I am kind of relieved, but at the same time I feel really sad about the whole thing. Moving on is the next step, I suppose.

Now I will make an attempt at smiling, because there are always things to smile about (whether I actually do or not is another matter...I need to work on that). Here are some good things that happened during the day:

1. Last History class of the semester AND I don't have to take the final! No more 8:30am class! Haha, that makes me sound like such a lazy person! I really liked that class. My professor was very good and very kind.


2. No more math homework. Granted there is the final coming up so I have to study somehow, but nothing else is due.


3. My Institute teacher (for Book of Mormon class) is hilarious. He never fails to make me laugh.


4. LDC is recording this week!! We've been working on getting several of our songs ready for a CD. Our men section is incredible. Really. They're fantastic. I don't really know how the women sound, because I'm always singing with them (obviously), but my mom said we sound like angels. I'm guessing that's a good thing. I love singing with this choir. Honestly, it is one of my favorite things in life, and it's one of the best parts of the day.


5. Another four hour nap.


6. I got to talk to Sister Raddatz on the phone for awhile today. Talking to her really helps me so much. I don't know what it is about her, but she just knows exactly what to say. She also listens, really listens.


7. Tomorrow morning I can sleep in because I don't have philosophy or math!! That is so awesome. I'm excited.


8. Cheesecake. Smile much? Mhmmmm.

Everything will work out. Yeah, things are hard. Really hard sometimes. However, that's the way life is meant to be. If you didn't have the hard things, you'd never get stronger. You'd never learn if you didn't have weaknesses. Strength is great, but perhaps it's a little overrated sometimes. Only the strongest will admit that they are weak. It's part of humility. I really need more of that. I will learn. :)

day 9...

a song that I can dance to...

SAVE THE LAST DANCE FOR ME

Michael Buble

Can you say love? I fell in love with this song the very first time I heard it. Every time I hear it, I have the BEST little music video going on in my head. Someday I WILL choreograph it and see it performed (unless I get to be in it!). It will be fantastic.

speaking of JAR OF HEARTS...

My song for the day is JAR OF HEARTS. I just reread the post I wrote a over the weekend (because I don't have time during the week so I scheduled the songs out in advance). Talk about appropriate! I ran into my friend who I had a kinda sorta break up with (we're going back to calling him Aries, his star sign). It was awkward, uncomfortable, embarrassing, all of the above and more. Apparently he figured out from the way I acted that I'm still pretty upset about what happened. I hate to stay upset about things, but this is really hard. It's hard to be a friend to someone and then to feel completely unable to trust them.

Aries texted me this morning, asking what he'd done. Basically it confirmed what I already know about him, and I don't want to have to deal with this. To be honest, I'm afraid of him. He knows exactly how I work, and he knows how to use that to his advantage. He's proud of it, too.

JAR OF HEARTS wise, I can't go back. I trust him about as much as I trust a rattlesnake with two heads and no rattle: you never know which one is going to strike, and there's no sound to warn you of what's coming.

Happy update: I baked a cake today!! I've found that baking and cooking help me feel better when I'm upset. I rarely eat what I make, but it's nice to make things for other people. My little best fwend (Jason and Jordan's little sister) picked out a cake mix and she "helped" me at her house with it. I hope it turned out all right, and I hope they like it! They liked the last one. The boys are still talking about it, and it's been over two weeks since I made that cake. You know something was really good if a boy remembers eating it two weeks ago and still talks about it. Usually they just move on to the next meal. I can't figure out how they can eat so much and stay fit. They're so lucky!

day 8...

a song that I know all of the words to...

JAR OF HEARTS

Christina Perri

Okay, so I know all of the words to a lot of songs, but this is a song that I like to sing right now. This song came out around the same time as FIREWORK, and it quickly became one my favorites. It too has helped me on occassion, one of which was rather recent. It has helped to remind me that there are times when I can't go back. There are people out there who, whether intentionally or otherwise, metaphorically collect hearts. Mine, however, is not for sale or for trade. I've learned that sometimes I need to guard my heart from people who would use it to get things they wanted. This song has helped me to remember that.

day 7...

a song that reminds me of a certain event...

ROCK AROUND THE CLOCK

Bill Haley

I have a question for you regarding ballroom dance, or partner dancing of any kind. Have you ever danced a jive routine with Jason Carr? Well, until you have, you've never danced a jive routine. That was probably the most fun test I have ever taken in my entire life.

OUT OF MY LEAGUE

Stephen Speaks

Speaking of dancing, have you ever been to a dance with Jason Carr? Two words: It's passionate.

from A-Z, it's all about me...

Okay, so it's not really all about me. This post though, well. It kinda is. My dear BriannaJean decided it was time to play tag, and I'm it! Woot! I'm excited. Take a walk with me through the alphabet of my life.

Age: 19
Bed size: Full. I'm special like that. Or I just have issues with needing space...
Chore you hate: Let's just say I would rather break dishes than actually wash them.
Dreams: Find the person who is not perfect but perfect for me, have a small house with a big yard and rose garden, and several little ones who I can play with and teach.
Essential start of your day: I have to check the weather on my phone before I can choose what to wear.
Favorite color: Purple!
Gold or silver: Silver. Definitely silver.
Height: 5 feet 2.5 inches
Instruments I play (or have played): I used to play the piano...not anymore though.
Job title: Student, Friend, Daughter, Sister, "Mom"
Kids: Sometimes I think that my future children are my guardian angels. Any thoughts, friends?
Live: Utah
Mom's name: Anne
Nickname: Sayah, Saryah, Princess, Georgie, Chica, Kiddo, Punkin
Overnight hospital stays: Only the night I was born.
Pet peeve: People being late, people who manipulate and use others
Quote from a movie: "A man with no work becomes ridiculous."
Right or left handed: Right
Siblings: Two younger sisters
Time you wake up: Depends on the day...7:30-9:45 usually.
Underwear: Duh. But it has to be white or black. One time I wore pink under white...I don't do colors anymore. It's too much of a hassle!
Vegetables you dislike: Broccoli, celery, tomatoes (thought technically those are a fruit...yes?)
What makes you run late: Not making the decision to actually go somewhere until 15 minutes beforehand.
X-rays you've had done: Both feet, left ankle, both knees, ribs, both elbows, teeth, collar bone, right shoulder
Yummy food you make: I don't usually make yummy food...I'm a horrible cook.
Zoo animal: Red panda!!!

From A-Z, that's a bit about me!

day 6...

So I picked two songs for this post (which I will do a few more times throughout the challenge).

a song that reminds me of somewhere...

BAD ROMANCE

Lady Gaga

I. HATE. This song. Sometimes. Other times, it's a lot of fun, like when you have the right people around. This song will never cease to remind me of choir tour my senior year in high school. Holy spazz much, this song got stuck in people's heads on the bus throughout the entire week! It was pretty hilarious, because someone would start singing it and then everyone would get furious at them, then proceed to sing along. So yes, this song will always remind me of our 16+ hour drive to and from Arizona.

KISS FROM A ROSE

Seal

This second song reminds me without fail of shopping in the mall with my mom and sisters when I was younger. I swear that every time we were in JC Penny's or Mervyn's or out in the big hallways this song would play. I love this song so much, but I can't help but picture department store displays and escalators when I hear it.

tender mercies...

Today could have been really terrible. I don't know what the heck was wrong with me. Nothing should have been wrong, and nothing was wrong. I just felt all wrong--sick, tired, uncomfortable in my own skin, angry, alone, scared of everything, et cetera. As Ron Weasley would say, "How could someone feel all of that at once? They'd explode!" Well yes, Ronald dear. There were multiple water shows (not set to music or timed) throughout the afternoon, and in short it wasn't fun or pretty. There is nothing attractive about crying. Everything could have been a lot worse though. Starting from early this morning and continuing throughout the day I have seen so many good things. There have been dozens of tender mercies and little blessings that have helped me from completely losing control. In truth, they started last night. I'll list a few things that touched my heart and made me smile (or at least cry happy tears instead of sad ones).

1. Last night I had the chance to see several of my friends who I haven't been able to visit for about a month. A shout out to Steven for inviting my sisters and me to his party and for the great time!


2. Last night was also the first time I have ever had a problem with my car when I was the responsible person around AND the only driver...I have no knowledge of cars whatsoever. While I was with my friends, we noticed that there was steam coming out from under the hood. When we opened the car, we couldn't help but notice a steady stream of liquid coming from a gash in a large black tube. The radiator hose had sprung a leak, a clamp on the engine had come loose, and all of the radiator fluid was covering the ground (and my hands and shoes...it was hot and it hurt). Thank heavens, literally, that Taylor's dad was able to come help us. He used to be a mechanic, and he fixed my car. It was amazing: he went and bought new parts for the car, bought a gallon of radiator fluid, fixed the car, and wouldn't let me pay him back for it. He barely even let me thank him! I'm so grateful for his help.


3. This morning wasn't cold! It was a little chilly, but warm enough that I could walk from the parking lot instead of waiting for the shuttle and enjoy the sunshine.


4. I got to sing with LDC in the Institute devotional today. There was a very special feeling about that performance, and I was grateful to be able to participate and be a member of this choir. I'm so glad that I've had this chance; it's been such a blessing in my life.


5. Not only did I get to sing with my friends, I got to have lunch with them, too! Brianna invited me to sit with her and then forced me to eat, for which I am grateful. Sometimes it's hard for me to eat when I'm around a lot of people. She knows that about me and won't let me get away with saying I'm not hungry. I love that girl, for so many reasons. She's been a miracle in my life many times this past year. I also got to talk with Erin for a little while, and Brady too. There are so many wonderful people in this choir, and some of them are becoming and have become my dearest friends.


6. My Rapunzel charm bracelet came in the mail today!


7. Another item came in the mail for me that I wasn't expecting: I received a letter from one of my missionary friends. It couldn't have come at a better time. The words he wrote changed some of my tears from those of sorrow and pain to hope and gratitude that he had taken the time to write to me, and because the message was exactly what I needed to hear today. "Bad can never endure when good is coming." Good is coming. It is always coming. The waiting and hoping for it is hard, but it will always come.


8. I was able to visit my dear second family. I saw the kids and Sister Raddatz yesterday, and today I got to see all of the family except for Brother Raddatz. It was great to see Jason and Jordan; it's been a long time since I got to say hello to either of them in person. Jordan told me that he came to the LDC performance today because he didn't have classes. That made me feel really good, to know that I'd had a friend cheering me on in the audience.


9. Three words: four hour nap.


10. My family puts up with me and loves me even when I'm a nervous wreck, and they take care of me when I'm too tired, too unwilling, or too irrational to take care of myself. I love them so much.


11. Mom took me on a date to the bookstore (after persuading me for half an hour to get out of my bed and go play with her), and because she is braver than I am she was able to talk to one of the cashiers and get me 50% off on a recipe book I wanted because the book has a rip on the cover. The other great part about it? The recipe book is a Hershey's dessert book. It's all about CHOCOLATE. And, because it was already on sale, mom's ability to get a second discount made the book only $3.00. How much better can you get?! Not to mention I was able to buy it with a gift card that I got two Christmases ago and lost...I found it last week. Perfect, no?


12. She also bought me a Cookies n' Cream CreamKula at the coffee shop. They can make all of their drinks without coffee, so I didn't feel guilty at all about it. And I tried very hard to not remember the last time I was at the bookstore and had the same drink...I was on my first official date with the friend I wrote about a couple of days ago. Mom kept talking to me and telling me to forget about it and enjoy my drink. I did. :)


13. We found a "Tangled" coloring book!! And since I still had money on my gift card...it was pretty much free for me. I can't wait to start coloring it in!

Bad really can't endure. Good things will always come. I saw that happen today. Yes, things hurt. Things are hard. There will always be pain and tears. That can't be helped. But good things can always make life a little easier, a lot happier, and full of love. Today, I am grateful for my family and my friends, and for the proof that Heavenly Father does love me and cares enough to show me.

day 5...

a song that reminds me of someone...

FAITHFULLY

Journey

Every time I hear this song, I think of my darling friend Jordan. He is probably the winner when it comes to dancing to this song. Talk about passionate! I seriously cannot hear this song without thinking of Jordan, and I am so grateful that I have him in my life.

day 4...

a song that makes me sad...

NEVER GONE

Backstreet Boys

Sometimes there are people who come into your life who you think will be there forever. Then, something happens and they're not there anymore. I had a friend who was my best friend in the entire universe. He was amazing. He understood everything I was going through and he made me feel like a better person. He was the one who helped me get back on my feet. Then, he was gone. It was hard, going from nearly inseparable to speaking maybe once every four or five months. But even though it's hard to have him gone, I know that I'm a better person because of his part in my life. He changed me and helped me grow, and for that I will always be grateful. Yeah, sometimes I feel mad at him because he's gone, but at the same time, I'm able to look back on our friendship with a smile (and occassional tears). So, Pockets, this one's for you. I love you, my friend!

temptation...

I have a friend, or someone who used to be a friend (and a close one at that). I'm not talking to him right now for various reasons (all of which I have been told on numerous occassions are very good reasons). The truth is, though, that I miss him. A LOT. And so I want to talk to him REALLY badly. But I won't, because he always waits for me to come back to him. And when I DO come back, I always get treated like a naughty child who has finally decided to submit to the all-knowing father.

He is the greatest human temptation I've ever come across. When we were in the friendship stage, he was a temptation. When we were in the almost-relationship stage, he was an even greater temptation. And now that we've had...um.....a disagreement...he's still a temptation.

Fighting desire of any kind is really hard. What I want the most right now is to be able to just talk to him and tell him I'm sorry. I know that's what he wants to hear, and at this point I'm about ready to say it just to get back to being friends. The problem? I really don't have anything to be sorry for, so saying the words would just be a lie.

Stuck!! I love life!! :P Actually, I really do love life. Some aspects of it just aren't very fun.

day 3...

a song that makes me happy...

JUST THE WAY YOU ARE

Bruno Mars

When this song came out I had an instant, secret wish for a boy to send it to me in an email or a text or a Facebook post and dedicate it to me. How silly and self-centered is that? Well, I got my wish about a week later, and since then I've had friends send it to me, sing it to me, and quote it to me multiple times. It's awesome and always makes me happy. So to all of the boys out there who have shared this song with me, thanks, guys. You have all at one point made my day! (((hugs)))

day 2...

my least favorite song:

YELLOW SUBMARINE

The Beatles

This was hard to pick. There are a lot of songs that I don't really like because they either annoy me or I just don't like them. Whether it has to do with lyrics, the artist's style, or any other number of factors, there are some songs that I just don't enjoy listening to. I wouldn't say that this is my absolute least favorite song, but it's definitely on the Top 10 list for songs I won't listen to! :)

day 1...

my favorite song:
FIREWORK Katy Perry

I love this song because it has helped me to remember that I am worth something. It came out during a very hard time in my life, and I would listen to it when the world seemed impossibly dark.

30 days of music...

Tomorrow will start the 30 Days of Music challenge that somebody "invited" me to do. I thought it sounded fun, and besides, I like music. So get set for poor quality youTube videos. :)

day 01 - your favorite song
day 02 - your least favorite song
day 03 - a song that makes you happy
day 04 - a song that makes you sad
day 05 - a song that reminds you of someone
day 06 - a song that reminds you of somewhere
day 07 - a song that reminds you of a certain event
day 08 - a song that you know all the words to
day 09 - a song that you can dance to
day 10 - a song that makes you fall asleep
day 11 - a song from your favorite band/artist
day 12 - a song from a band/artist you hate
day 13 - a song that is a guilty pleasure
day 14 - a song that no one would expect you to love
day 15 - a song that describes you
day 16 - a song that you used to love but now hate
day 17 - a song that you hear often on the radio
day 18 - a song that you wish you heard on the radio
day 19 - a song from your favorite album
day 20 - a song that you listen to when you’re angry
day 21 - a song that you listen to when you’re happy
day 22 - a song that you listen to when you’re sad
day 23 - a song that you want to play at your wedding
day 24 - a song that you want to play at your funeral
day 25 - a song that makes you laugh
day 26 - a song that you can play on an instrument
day 27 - a song that you wish you could play
day 28 - a song that makes you feel guilty
day 29 - a song from your childhood
day 30 - your favorite song at this time last year

mistakes we make...

When I was little, I always heard the saying "Everybody makes mistakes." I used to wonder who Everybody was, and what kind of mistakes he or she made. Now I know who Everybody is. Me, you, the person down the street, my friends, my family. People just make mistakes.

I make rather large mistakes, mostly when it comes to the area of frienships. I've made a couple in the past few months. A friendship...I thought I was keeping myself from letting it become more. This time, I decided to stay a friend. Well...oops. I cared more than I realized. I spent so much time trying to keep myself from getting entangled in feelings, I didn't even notice that they'd been growing.

I didn't even know how much I cared until it was too late. For awhile I was able to keep the pain at bay by feeling angry. Then the anger turned into a resolution to remain above everything and to stay aloof, with no feelings or recollection of how much I cared. I hadn't cared, at all! Ha. Take that. Then I spent so much time trying to stay angry that it's like the pain has had time to grow and spread and suddenly, without warning, burst through to the surface.

Too much time spent hiding and ignoring what I really felt. I haven't missed him at all, and today, I miss him more than ever.

Time to move on. :)

marriage...

You may find it odd, but where I come from this is the time of life where people start talking, thinking, and dreaming of marriage. Yeah, 19-25 is generally considered young by the world's standards, but here? It's just the way it is. That's what life is about, getting married and starting a family of your own. I don't mind that at all. For some people, marriage at age 19 or 20 is a great thing. For me? Not so much.

As I've been talking to friends who are in serious relationships that probably will progress into marriages, I've been thinking about what I want in my own life. I've been thinking about dreams and fears and how everything is supposed to work out. I don't know how it's all going to work out. It's not really my job to know the future, and at this point in my life knowing the future would probably throw me into hysterics that would only be ended under the influence of a very strong sedative.

I'm very afraid. Not of getting married. A lot of the young people I know, who are quickly becoming my dear friends, are afraid of getting married. They worry about the wedding and the reception and finding a house and a car and such. For me, I worry more about the years after the wedding. I wonder if the man I loved on that special day of the white dress will become someone I don't know anymore. Will he still love me? Or will I just be the housekeeper who doesn't go home when five o'clock rolls around?

My mom once said this: "Marriage is a partnership; it is not a hospital." Yes, I want to be cared for. I want to be loved. I want to care for someone, and to love someone too. What I don't want, and what I fear will happen, is that I will become something like a single woman sharing the last name and living space of a man she is legally married to but who no longer is interested in the marriage relationship. I worry that love will die, that I'll end up taking care of him and he won't be interested in helping me with anything. I don't want to sound selfish in saying I want to be taken care of and loved. I don't mean that I want him to do all of the work and put all of the effort into the relationship or the family. What I do mean is that I want us to work together, to share things. Partners. Lovers. Best friends.

Perhaps it's too much to ask. Maybe I just need to stop being afraid. In fact, I should probably be focusing on choosing a major right now. That's a more pressing issue, seeing as I'm graduating with my AS degree at the end of the month and registration for next year is on, what...Thursday? Yep.