Thursday, April 21, 2011

24 or forever...

You know Aries told me yesterday that it was "good-bye for now". Well, as of a few hours ago, it's "Good-bye. I hope you have a wonderful life." 24 hours of good-bye turned into a request for another chance, which turned into good-bye forever. All in a day.

He told me that he couldn't stand living without one of his best friends in his life. He asked me to tell him what he could do to make things right. I didn't close any doors on him. I didn't open any doors either. As my friend Kyle said, I "opened the door while leaving the safety chain in place". I didn't walk away. I didn't tell him to leave. I would never do that. I've thought it, and said it to other people, but I don't think I ever really meant it. There is no way in heaven or on earth that I would just walk away from a friend, no matter what they'd done. I've never been able to do that.

He's the one who said good-bye. He's the one who is walking away. Friends tell me that he'll come back. "That's the way he is", they say, "He says he's done but doesn't really mean it. He'll come back. He always does."

I don't know. I get the feeling that he won't come back, and that this forever of good-bye begins tonight. Forever. It's a long time.

I feel mixed up and confused. First there was a feeling of relief. Then there came this odd, crushing feeling that was so strong my legs almost gave way beneath me and I had to sit down. Following that was a determination to keep smiling and to forget about the whole dang thing. Then came a dull but persistent ache, and I found myself fighting tears. Then I couldn't cry at all, even when I wanted to. I still can't cry.

The aching feeling isn't something I expected. I didn't expect it yesterday, but it faded. I didn't expect it today, either. I suspect that this will last a while longer. Somehow I find myself wishing that this good-bye really will be forever, and that he won't come back to the place in my heart that now feels empty. It's best to just let it be, to find something else to fill that space. The back and forth between him being here and being gone is too much of a rollercoaster.

It's amazing what can happen between two people in such short amounts of time. I know that much of the fault is mine, but I don't know how to fix it without getting into serious trouble. He admitted that he's a master of manipulation, more than one time. How can I trust a person who openly boasts of this, calling it his art and his gift? That isn't a gift, in my book, especially when a person uses it to hurt and use others.

Thank heavens for my wonderful friends and family. I don't know what I would do without my LDC friends. I don't know what I would do without Jason (I can't imagine my life without him anymore), and Jordan, and Kyle, and their family. I don't know what I would do without my own family--my sisters and my parents. Even my puppy. I am so, so grateful for them.

Speaking of friends, my friend Brady had his appendix removed early this morning. He hasn't been feeling well lately. No wonder! I'm glad that he's been taken care of, and that he'll be able to recover and be healthy again. He's awesome. I'm really glad that I met him; he's helped me many times this semester. He's one of those people who you just can't help but love because he's so gosh darn kind.

One more day of recording for LDC tomorrow, math test results (yikes), and my last paper of the semester to work on. Tomorrow WILL be good. No boy is going to ruin my life. Sure, this hurts. But I will not let it mess other things up. Remind me that I said that, okay? I'll probably forget and start to mope because I'm silly like that.

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